Room To Fail: A Path To Independence Part 2

      Last week we touched on the idea of disengaged parenting or giving our children some room to fail. This method of parenting allows our child to exercise their independence and to improve their executive functioning skills. Both of which are essential for success in our modern world. Last week's blog touched on five areas to improve independence with varying tasks and goals by maturity. Today we wanted to add to this list. Remember disengaged parenting doesn't mean we neglect our children and it becomes a dog eat dog world. Disengaged parenting is where we clearly lay forth our expectations, but it is up to our child to plan and execute their plan successfully. We can be a resource as needed. To solve all their problems, however, defeats the purpose and derails our goals. So here are some more intro steps to giving your child a little room to fail and practice exerting their independence.

Invest In Relationships

     When our kids are little they hang with who we hang with, or go where we dictate. They just don't really have a say in it. If we say it's weekend at Grandma's house to grandma's house they go. But as our children get older they start to have a little more freedom in this aspect. They get to choose which relationships they invest in. And the sooner we teach them the importance of this the sooner they can start consciously choosing who to share their love and time with. So teach your children that they become like the five people they spend the most time with. Ask them who they think those people are and what they've picked up and learned from them. Do this intermittently until they start internally recognizing the importance of this, but give them room to try on new relationships (within reason and safety) and see what works best.

Tackle A To-Do

     To do lists are a part of life. Whether written or not, there is always a mental running list of things we should do, things we want to do, and things we need to look into further. So take the time to start teaching your child this essential executive function skill. Have your child setup their own weekly to do list. Help them by suggesting a few tasks of your own. And then let them practice (and intermittently fail) at trying to come up with an action plan to achieve their goals. And if they don't tackle their tasks don't pick up that slack for them. Add it onto next weeks tasks. Because learning that you lose freedom to do fun things in the week to come when you slack off this week is an invaluable skill for our child to learn now where it is relatively harmless if they mistakes now and again.

Make The Most of Leisure Time

     While childhood is full of unstructured play time; our older years are a precarious balance of work and play. You must be able to establish a successful work routine, continue building and maintaining relationships, while also letting go and doing things just for the sake of it sometimes. So how do we teach our children this kind of balancing trifecta? How do we make sure they are learning to get what they need to done and use their leisure time wisely. The answer isn't in endless television or video games. While these are fun ways to relax they don't necessarily fill us up in meaningful or lasting ways. So teach your child to balance mindless leisure time with things outside of electronics. Get them involved in activities, give them a love for new adventures and the great ideas. Help them develop hobbies, and enjoyable pastimes. These things and more will help your child spend their free time learning, creating, and growing rather than sitting and constantly needing the latest devices to entertain them.

Learning About Money

     This is one of those essential skills you either learn the easy way when you're young, the hard way when you're older, or worse yet you never learn it at all. And it is a big indicator of our child's future success so that definitely makes it worth our time to start teaching our children about money. There are plenty of methods to do this... be it allowances, paying your child to pick up extra chore duties, or simply by teaching them to be resourceful with their birthday and holiday money. No matter the methodology you choose the sooner they have an appreciation for money and how it's earned the better it is for you and your pocket book. 

    Some of these skills we've discussed over the past two weeks your child will begin to pickup simply by observing and mimicking you. Unfortunately not everything can be taught this way. Proactively teaching our child to manage their lives and to solve real world problems is a necessity for future independence. It will require a lot of forethought, planning and self control on your part. It is hard to intentionally give your child room to fail. And your child will make mistakes and will purposefully test the limits of the rules. Resist the urge to consistently make excuses for or rescue them from their mistakes. We know it's hard to watch your child grow up and realize they won't be your little baby forever. But we truly are doing our children a disservice if we don't give them room to make mistakes, room to learn, and room to grow. Despite how negative it can sound, giving our child strategic room to fail ultimately fosters independence and creates patterns that will lead your child to greater success later on in life. You've got this Warrior parents. Stay Strong!

#RaiseAWarrior 

Room to Fail: A Springboard For Independence

     We want our children to grow up and live independently of us. This isn't to say we don't want to be involved, we just don't want our 22 year old son still living at home, unemployed and playing video games 24/7. So how do we hone independence in our child? How do we foster the executive function skills like oragnization, time management, planning, emotional regulation, attention, and thinking flexibly that our child will need to succeed in academics, the workplace and beyond?

     The secret lies in deliberately being disengaged as a parent. This sounds awful at first, but we don't mean in all things. We simply mean deliberately giving your child space to try, do, and maybe even fail a little bit. Some people would say this is lazy parenting. But to be actively disengaged and give your child room to try is actually a lot of work. It requires a lot of mental, and physical determination from you parents. You also have to have emotional determination or else you will constantly want to swoop in and save the day just to spare your child the hurts of reality. It is hard work, but it is also our life's work as parents.

     So here are some simple steps towards developing an independent and successful child. Your child may not be ready for all of these steps yet, but each of them is geared towards fostering capable and competent executive function skills. And we know that all good things take practice. We have coaches for soccer, and voice, and martial arts, and piano. So why don't we take the time to step back a little and coach them in the higher thinking and time management skills they will need to crush adulthood successfully. 

Sleep Cycle Balance

     The middle-school tweens and older are terrible at this. Especially during the summer. They stay up later and later playing video games or watching tv and then Bam! Suddenly your child has become a vampire who doesn't get up before 3pm! When the kiddos are little we are great at enforcing this. After all parents need some personal time too and we'll do anything to not have a cranky kiddo in the morning. But as our children get older bedtimes extend and weekends get even more lax. We stop fighting to get them up and just let them sleep. This isn't helping them succeed! There are consequences as an adult when we don't go to bed early enough. And one of them is we still have to get up and complete our obligations regardless of our tiredness while still being a nice and kind person. So if your child chooses to stay up all night that is fine. They still have to get up and function with everyone else. Teaching these lessons now will also help in that first semester of college when this lesson is either successfully learned or classes are failed during this new found phase of freedom.

Taking Medications

     This one seems pretty straightforward and simple; and maybe you feel like your kiddo has got it down. But if our children are only taking their daily meds because they're reminded too, then the routine is broken the second he or she is away from the prompt. And as our children get older they are away from us more often. Sleepovers, weekends at the grandparents, field trips, sports competitions, etc are all opportunities for successful demonstration of this independent skill, but only if we've practiced in our day to day normal lives first. So if your child is old enough to start practicing this level of independence give it a try (with some slightly disengaged parental supervision of course).

Healthy Intake

     Eventually our child will be completely in charge of their caloric intake. Day in and day out. So once you've established a lifestyle of healthy balance let them take the lead. Get them involved in shopping, lunch packing, snack picking and meal plans. If you're going out to dinner and your kiddo knows they want dessert or soda give them a chance to choose a lighter fair for breakfast or lunch. This system of involved checks and balances will help them make healthier choices now and in the future. Win win!

Staying Active

     Most of us would rather sit down and veg out than get up and go. It is natural to avoid or put off unpleasant things. Our health, however, is too important. So if your kid hates running, don't make them run, but rather help them find an active hobby they enjoy. Maybe this means they go dancing, maybe they walk the dog, maybe ultimate Frisbee, swimming or continuing martial arts. Maybe you mix it up as a family and try new activities each week until you find one that fits each individual of your group. No matter your choice, it is so important to build these habits now. Because we all know building a healthy and fit lifestyle as an adult is not too easy with all the pulls on our time and a world full of fun distractions. So help them discover an activity they love, and then let them take charge in scheduling it and preparing for it each week or day.

Monitoring Hygiene

     This is one thing that some people just don't master. And they totally should! Help your child take charge by teaching them good hygiene habits and putting them in charge of it as soon as possible. Because the truth is we won't always be around to tell our child that they or their clothes stink. The level of involvement in this will of course vary by age, but you shouldn't have to remind your 12-15 year old to put on deodorant every day. They should take charge and be proud of their appearance and involvement. It might take them being mocked by their peers and a little nudging from you, but they can learn this level of independence if you don't swoop in and save them every time. 

     So there you have it! 5 easy steps to start giving your child some relatively harmless room to fail and to start nudging them towards greater independence. And greater independence on their part leaves us more time to teach them other vital skills, life lessons, and to just have fun and make more memories. You've got this! It takes dedication and consistency to give our children some room and independence, but it is definitely worth it. Happy parenting!

#RaiseAWarrior 

Raising Happier Children: A Warrior Parent's Guide Part Two

     Helping your child find happiness within is so pivotal to their continued well-being. Far too many people waste their precious time seeking happiness and joy outside of themselves. They seek it in their jobs, in riches, in the cars they drive, the trips they take, and the number of likes they get while "living their best life." And while you can find external things that bring you joy, it is mostly fleeting and always comes at a cost. Success in the work place for example can bring joy, but at what cost to your family and so on. So this week is part two of our warrior parent's guide to raising happier children. Let's keep on pushing!

Build Your Relationships

     Relationships have a lot of power over our happiness. And while we want to be happy just in ourselves, having the skills and emotional intelligence to build healthy relationships can go a long ways towards increasing our present and future happiness. So teach your child to build their relationships. Teach them that relationships are like a bank. You have to invest time and energy into them to be able to make a withdrawal later on. Teach them to be thoughtful- to do kind things just because. Teach them to be empathetic and consider how another might feel. Teach them to be aware of the effect they have on others. Teach them to treat others how they want to be treated. Teach them to be able to verbalize what they're feeling and what they want. Teach them about boundaries. Model the kind of wholesome relationships they should seek out. And in doing so you are setting them up for success in the relationships they will later choose to pursue.

Teach Them To Invest Their Time

     Our time is our most precious resource we have to give because it is so finite. So teach your child to invest their time wisely. Yes Netflix, YouTube, and video games can be a lot of fun. But do we really want them investing weeks of their time into them? Teach your kiddo to invest their time in themselves. Teach them to absorb and learn as much as they possibly can. Teach them to be resourceful. Teach them to pursue their hobbies, to continually strive to make themselves better. And who knows these passions might even become their future job or a lucrative side hustle.

Form Happiness Habits

     We all have things that we can do to make ourselves feel better. It's sort of like an emergency self care tool kit that is individualized to you. Help your child find theirs. Maybe after a stressful morning you just need a cup of coffee. Maybe reading before bed helps you relax. We all have rituals that we do when we're feeling low and it's important that our children know this isn't selfish, it's essential. So show them your happiness habits or pick me ups and help them find their own. Whether it's journaling, expressing yourself artistically, dancing it out, deep cleaning, our children need some tried and true methods to help them cope when life is hard. And by teaching them that self care is an important part of our well-being they might just be a little more understanding when you need some time for yourself also.

The Power of Optimism

     We've all met pessimistic people and we can definitely say that we would rather face the teenage years with a child who is not a pessimist. The way we view scenarios, situations, and challenges can greatly impact our happiness levels. So teach your child to view that glass as half full. Have them view the world around them positively. It will make today, tomorrow, and everything in between that much brighter.

     So that's that! Two weeks worth of mini happiness projects for you and your family to work on. We hope that as you spend some time building these habits into your life that you will notice more happiness and less contention in your home. And who doesn't need a little boost of happiness in their lives? Happy parenting! 

#RaiseAWarrior 

Oh The Places You Can Go

     Childhood today looks WAAAAAAAYYYYYY different from when we were growing up. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I mean looking back on some of the things we did growing up with zero supervision... well let's just say it makes me proud to be standing here with all of my appendages intact and working. But as a whole we have shifted towards viewing going outside as a means to get somewhere, rather than viewing the outdoors as a destination in and of itself. Which is a shame since we believe our children should grow up with a healthy curiosity and respect for the world around them.

     Maybe that's why we're a little grateful for the topsy turvy trials of this year. I mean one huge good thing to come of all the coronavirus/work from home/shelter in place life was an increase in family time. And we loved hearing all about it in our weekly zoom chats and in class. We love that so many of you took advantage of this time to go outside. We loved hearing of all the biking, walking, hiking, and swimming you guys were enjoying together. It inspired us to do this in our own homes more. But as our world continues to open up, and schedules get back to normal and we find ourselves increasingly busier we feel strongly that it's important to keep that family centered focus going. So whether you're an avid nature enthusiast or you just want happy, healthier children here are some great benefits of venturing beyond and some ideas to get your family outdoors more this summer.

Because not everything needs to be fast

     If you're like us. You relished the change of pace that coronavirus brought. It really helped you reorient and prioritize what matters the most. And as we get back to a semblance of our new normal we are realizing we don't have to be spread so thin. Life doesn't have to be a continuous string of one activity or task to the next. It is okay to slow down. It can be wonderful actually. And slowing down in nature, whether its lazing about in a hammock, watching the clouds glide bye or waiting for the fish to bite can be just the change of pace and reset we need to recharge and refill after a long week.

Because not everything needs to be planned

     2020 has been a testament to this fact. Life happens whether it's planned or not. And even the greatest plans have to be rescheduled due to unforeseen circumstance. It's just a fact of life. We know how little we truly have control over. So breathe. Don't stress so much. You don't have to fill every spare second of your weekend with activities, company and outings. Some of life's greatest moments happen by accident. So if you're tired of being home get out and go. See where the road takes you. Take a drive together, go on an impromptu hike, get lost together, be spontaneous, have a picnic, utilize local walking trails, do whatever brings you joy. Just get outside together and relish those lazy unplanned days of summer.

Because facing obstacles is a skill

     Anytime we put ourselves against nature we are facing something bigger than us. And as we push the boundaries of what we thought was possible, as we stretch outside our comfort zone we are learning to face our fears and overcome obstacles. And that is a skill essential to success later on. So push them to climb that tree. See who can climb the rock the highest. Pit yourself against nature by hiking the harder paths. The views are always worth it and we can take pride in doing something we thought we couldn't before.     

Because adventure is what childhood memories are made of

     Some of my fondest memories as a child involved being outside. Hiking, camping, swimming in natural water holes, slipping across algae covered rocks, catching tadpoles or hunting for crawdads, fighting over the hammocks, building rock monuments, playing in mud, finding the best walking stick, climbing the biggest rock. These adventures held magic in them. And although we were tired and often whined about the journey it was always worth it. Those trips are the ones I remember. How we went camping for a week and it rained every day. How we saw a baby bear cub, and tried to smash rocks to make arrowheads like the Native Americans of old. I don't remember Disneyland or Sea World or even much of Lego Land in Cali. But I do remember the wonder of standing beneath the great sequoias and many misadventures in the great outdoors.

Because it can spark a lifelong love

    Our many adventures growing up has sparked a lifelong love. I will always love to travel. I will always love to hike. And while camping in a tent is no longer my favorite there is nothing like a day spent exploring new places and ending the day around a fire. I owe that to my childhood. And one day I too want to take my family to as many National Parks as I can. I want them to do the Junior Ranger Programs, to explore, to collect the badges, and rocks and shells. I want them to build a home and a life but be brave enough to step out of it and explore. So let them collect those rocks or pinecones or whatever it may be. Those are memories of the magic of childhood. And by building a love for the outdoors now it can touch your family for many generations to come.

Because it makes us healthier

     It's no secret that today's busy, fast food filled, but also sedentary, electronics based lifestyle isn't doing our society any favors. Getting outside is an active endeavor. It isn't easy walking, hiking, biking, skating, or swimming. It isn't easy to camp or gather firewood. And it is definitely up and moving. So find a way to get your family outdoors. Create traditions. There are plenty of things to do in the local area and a short day trip away. Instilling these habits and this love now will payoff today and for years to come.

Because you don't even have to go very far

     We know that with all the continued uncertainty going on today you might not feel up for a grand adventure. Camping in your back yard, walking or biking the paths of our locale, having a picnic, trying all the playgrounds in our city are all minutes away. And they take minimal prep to make happen. If you're up for something more Turner Falls, The Wichita Mountains, lakes and more are a short trip away. The best thing of all is it's easy to social distance in the wide open spaces of the great outdoors. So no matter how big or small the adventure start getting your family outside more. We know you won't regret it. Happy parenting!

#RaiseAWarrior 

Raising Happier Children: A Warrior Parent's Guide Part One

     If you could only wish one thing for your child when they are grown what would it be? Would you wish them riches? Would you wish for success? Would you wish for the perfect relationship? Or would you simply wish them happiness? For most of us parents happiness is the goal. We know that extrinsic things like big paychecks, perfect relationships, nice jobs and exotic vacations can help our child live a happier life, but it doesn't necessarily guarantee it. Happiness, simply put, has to come from within. An attitude and outlook of happiness is a learned trait, it has to be a habit of mindfulness. Which is lucky for us because wishes don't exist and this is a trait within our power to gift to our child. So this week's blog is about raising children who aren't just happy, but are also capable of choosing happiness when things are hard.

Maintain Your Awe

     Remember the wonder of your child the first time they experienced something new? Remember their joy on that first amusement park ride? The joy of that first bite of cake? As our children get older they naturally lose a little bit of that sense. Things seem less magical and more mundane to them. It becomes their norm. And it's hard to see the magic and wonder in our everyday life. You have to choose daily to find that everyday magic. So maybe that's teaching your child to notice when a flower blooms. Maybe that's taking a moment to find shapes in the clouds. Maybe it's finding a penny and picking it up. Maybe you play in the rain or have a dance party at every stop light. The world around us is incredible, we just have to choose to see that. So teach your child to celebrate the normal and everyday, because that is where we spend a huge amount of our time. Being able to find your joy in the mundane, that is priceless.

Managing Your Expectations

     We parents realize what is in our realm of control and what isn't. Weekend plans can be ruined by weather. People get sick and are unable to follow through with events. Stuff happens. It's a hard fact of life. But even the most perfect adventure can be ruined if it doesn't line up with our internal picture of how the day will play out. Being able to acknowledge and manage our expectations helps us lead a happier life. So teach your child to do this. If you have a big event or trip coming up ask them what they're looking forward too. And if it boarders into the realm of fantasy help them reign those expectations back to earth. This will make events and adventures better for everyone involved because their won't be anyone with a bad attitude because their picture perfect day wasn't as perfect as they had hoped for. 

Cultivate Gratitude

     It's a well known fact that having an attitude of gratitude helps increases our overall health and happiness. In fact cultivating a gratitude habit strengthens all of these other practices we're listing. And there are so many quick and easy ways to do this. Maybe you keep a journal where you note the wonderful things in your life (I personally have a continually ongoing note on my phone where I can quickly input a date and what made me smile. It's a tangible reminder of all the good when things get hard). Maybe you take turns mentioning something you're thankful for at family meals. Maybe you make it a habit to show your gratitude to one person every single day. These are the kind of habits that stick with you through the years. And the more you do it, the greater the joy. So find a way to cultivate gratitude as a family and do it daily.

     Like many things in this life, happiness is a choice. It takes a little practice and a whole lot of thoughtfulness, but it is one of those life long traits that keeps on giving. So work on building these habits up as a family. Not only are you securing a happier future for your Little Warrior, you are also laying the foundation for a happier home life today. Because happiness can be just as contagious as a bad attitude to those who you are around the most. We believe in you!

#RaiseAWarrior 

We Still Need Hope

     Coronavirus and the road to recovery post pandemic shutdowns has felt like Groundhog day. Wake up, get stuff done, eat, finish to-do's, keep the kids healthy- happy and entertained, eat again, sleep, repeat. The days just continue to blur together. And while we are working on returning to normal, planning for the future still feels overwhelmingly impossible for many of us. We are living in an infinite present. We aren't sure if we can or even if we should make future plans for vacations, holidays or weddings. Every day feels like an endless today, and tomorrow feels just out of our reach.

     Originally being present felt like a surprise gift. It felt good to slow down and just be in the moment with our family. But as summer gets into the swing of things, the fears and anxiety we've been facing over the past few months begin to melt away. And we are left yearning for those family adventures we look forward to every year. Because anticipation of something - even if it's just a friends get together or trip out of town - can often be as enjoyable as the real thing. However, this summer is different though. So if you're asking yourself if it's okay to plan trips right now while gas and flights are cheap and you just aren't sure yet. If you're considering family outings and adventures, but are hesitant. If all this uncertainty and inability to plan for the future has you feeling down and like this is the May that will never end then try this little activity out as a family.


     Every time one of you wishes you could do something, go somewhere, see someone, have a treat, or enjoy someone's company just because or for a celebration of something... write it down. Get a slip of paper and stuff it into an obvious place that you frequently pass. No matter how small the activity is. Wishing you could have a double scoop sundae? Write it down! Want to feed the ducks? Into the jar it goes. Sad that your scouting trip was cancelled and wish you could go camping? Add it to the list. Now you have a jar of potential magic. These are the things you get to enjoy together once you feel a little more certain about everything that is going on. This is your post coronavirus 2020 family bucket list. This is hope for a better tomorrow. Now we have things to look forward to and plan. Things to get us motivated and on track again; not just as an individual, but also as a family. And as you get to work your way through these fun outings and little adventures you're not only making 2020 the best it can be you're also reminded of all the wonderful things in our lives we have to be grateful for.

Happy planning!

#RaiseAWarrior 

Setting the Tone In Your Home

    We are all finding our new normal right now. And while going back to work may be a love it or hate it situation for you, we don't want to lose the positive momentum we've been building with our families during the shelter in place. So how do we keep up that great sense of connection? How do we keep that family centered focus? How do we find that better balance between work and play?

    Surprisingly a huge part of that happens when you first set foot in your door. I mean imagine this. Your family has been relaxing. They've watched tv, they've played with friends, they've been to day camp, they've just been chilling, having fun and being a family. But you've had a rough day. Being at work while the rules are constantly changing is frustrating beyond belief. You're not in the best of moods. You walk in the front door or you pickup your kiddo. It's almost as if you've thrown a bucket of ice water over everyone. You don't even have to open your mouth. Your mood is palpable and it just shatters the peace that had been there moments before. Isn't that the opposite effect we want to have on the people we care about? So this week we're tackling why this is so important and positive ways to manage this without it affecting our loved ones so negatively.

Why Bringing That Frustration Home Isn't Optimal

     1) Anger blocks awareness: When we are firmly rooted in our own problems and struggles, we lose our awareness to things happening outside of us. This isn't great for several reasons. One is when we're locked inside our head we don't see the effects we are having on our loved ones. And two, when we are focused solely on our own demons we completely lack empathy and aren't able to recognize when our family or partner need us. In both of those instances we are emotionally unavailable and not able to reach our family or positively impact them. We might as well not be present.

     2) Bad moods spread: Our emotional state is contagious. Ever heard "if mom's happy everyone's happy?" This simple principle applies to everyone in our home. If you're super frustrated, terse, and snippy those feelings spread. Soon everyone in the house is in a bad mood, frustrated, and argumentative. Not our idea of a good way to end the day.

What To Do Instead:

     1) Take a few minutes: Most of the busy activities we normally rush too and from remain closed. Little is so dire that we can't take a few minutes to collect yourself. If your angry or upset, take a moment to process your frustrations BEFORE you come home or pick up the kids. Take a few minutes to walk around the parking lot, ride with the windows down and feel the breeze. Pull into your favorite drive through and grab a treat to take home and share. Do something that pulls you from your frustration and into the here and now.

     2) Vent later: A lot of parent's want their child to view them as their best friend. While these intentions are good, they can cause a blurring of boundaries and that has severe consequences. So don't vent to your child. Even if they're a little older and know you well enough to ask what's wrong. The sooner we put adult problems onto our child or on their radar the sooner we end the carefree magic of childhood. So don't do it with your child. If you need to vent lean on an adult. Feel you're not ready to share, try expressive writing. Some people destroy these written pieces afterwards and it can be very cathartic, but do not put your stress on your child. Only involve your child if they are older and it is a decision that affects them as well.

     3) Throw yourself into making your family happy: If you don't think you can take a few moments for yourself or can process this in a timely manner then try taking a break from your own problems and focus on others. As a family go on an impromptu ice cream run, take a walk, have a picnic, go for a bike ride, put off evening duties and have a game or movie night. When we take the focus off of ourselves and invest in making our family's day better an amazing thing happens. You also start to feel better. This lifts your mood and gives you some clarity of thought that anger and frustration doesn't give. Later on, when you have some time to yourself, you will be ale to look at your situation in a new light.

     The bottom line is we want to raise our families up. Sometimes we will struggle and fail. It happens and it is okay. There is a lot on our plate and these are unprecedented times. You will mess up and you will beat yourself up over it. Every good parent does this from time to time. But constant shame and self-criticism isn't productive. Use that guilt to make a plan and motivate yourself towards improvement. When you mess up use it to push yourself towards better. If we are constantly trying to be our best and improve we are giving our family the very best we can. Not perfectly, just one step in the right direction, one positive memory and interaction at a time.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Anxiety or Bad Behavior?

    Poor behavior in children doesn't magically happen. There is almost always an underlying cause. And while it can be next to impossible for us to solve that puzzle in the thick of it, we can potentially prevent its occurrence. We do this by looking ahead. By becoming aware of the environmental variables that are coming up in our lives (preferably before they happen). When we start to recognize these potential stressors it becomes much simpler to predict our child's natural response to it and the behavior that might arise.


     For example, as we begin to emerge from shelter in place what might your child experience and feel while we strive to find our new normal? Continued anxiety and fear about the coronavirus? Uncertainty for the future? Might they be afraid that they could suddenly be confined to the home again for months on end? Do they have concerns about being separated from you or about your safety as you go to work? Looking ahead we can see these are very real stressors. So how does all of that anxiety affect our child's behavior?

    When most of us think of anxiety we think of the stereotypical timid child. The one who is very clingy, who retreats away from people, doesn't speak when spoken too, and cries when separated from their parents. That isn't always the case. Anxiety in children can be manifested in many different ways. Some kids don't withdraw when anxious. Some kids natural defense mechanism is to "fight" when they feel threatened rather than to go into they typical "flight" mechanism of anxiety. And no matter the response to anxiety the body is ready for some intense activity. The kid's whose natural anxiety response is to "fight" are the kids who act out. They are the one's who are defiant, and angry because of their fears. They are sensitive to criticism. And they can be a handful when their anxiety goes unaddressed during times of stress and change. That bad behavior truly is just the tip of the iceberg. We have to look below the surface to get to the root of the issue. So if we foresee ending our shelter at home as a big stressor for our child there are the steps we can take today to decrease their anxiety and prevent bad behavior during change.

Address Emotions Before Big Changes:

     Our children (even the older ones) are still learning how to name and work through their emotions. Taking the time to help them do this before a transition is pivotal. We can't always do this (like in times of unexpected injury, or death), but for many life transitions (be it work, home, relationships, or ending shelter in place for example after a pandemic) we can see that coming up from a decent distance away. Life can take us by surprise, but we generally have a plan and think about our big moves before putting them into affect. So to decrease anxiety and concerns start an open family dialogue. Take turns saying what you look forward to and what you're afraid of. With the younger ones note how they express emotions in art and creative play. A child who plays while wearing a mask or one who suddenly is only playing doctor or nurse may have concerns of getting sick after the return to life. A child who plays at quarantining their doll as a punishment may be fearing the powerlessness of quarantine happening again. So clear the air and work through some of those fears before hand. You'll see less anxiety and acting out at that first drop off if you do.

Stay Calm:

     When our children misbehave it tends to escalate pretty quickly. Sometimes it is because they are ready to go and all that energy and emotion has to go somewhere. But sometimes it is because we lose our cool. It is difficult to teach a child emotional management when their behavior is consistently earning an emotional reaction from us. We have to model a better way. So stay calm. Master your own emotions before you attempt to address theirs and the behavior. 

Be Consistent:

     We have to be consistent in how we handle misbehavior. Which means we have to decide and have a strong front before the anxiety and behavior begins. Just because we believe our child is anxious does not make it okay to hit others, use unkind language, tell us no, throw a fit, or demand things of us. And so whether it is emotional behavior or not we must remain strong. Because intermittent reinforcement, even if it is just you giving in sometimes makes a behavior that much stronger. We do not want our child to learn that their poor behavior sometimes leads to what they want. This means we have to be careful giving their anxiety and fears too much attention also. If their anxious acting out buys them more time with you, or attention from you then we are cementing this behavior pattern. We are teaching them to continue to overwhelm and try to badger their way into a yes. Calm consistency is key for managing any misbehavior.

    The main thing is to realistically view your families life and the stressors they are experiencing. We are all in this together. We are all learning and growing through this as a unit. And we have to begin recognizing the subtle signs of anxiety. Is my child anxiously acting out or are they truly behaving badly? Because if we do not address the reason for their anxiety those problems will continue to escalate. We have to name it to tame it. Being firm and correcting the behavior with punishments or consequences won't be enough to end this cycle. It works for bad behavior, but not when it is caused by unaddressed emotions like anxiety. By understanding the anxiety is the problem to tackle it changes our approach. Now we can join forces with our child. Now we are a team attempting to work through anxious situations. It sounds a little labor intensive in the beginning, but it truly is the same amount of work as dealing with the aftermath of a complete melt down. So prepare for the changes your family will go through as you find your own path and method for re-joining society post the COVID-19 pandemic. Transitions can be difficult, but by taking the time to lay this groundwork and make a plan you are truly making the time ahead easier for both you and your child.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Life Lessons: Being Safe vs Being Careful

     Shelter in place has us all itching to get out and be on the move again. So whether your family is ready to jump right in and do all the things or if you're cautiously taking it slow, this freedom means more activities are available to us. And as things start to warm up we definitely tend to shoo the kids outside more and more. And every time we do, whether they are bike riding, playing in the backyard, climbing a tree, or just sitting outside we caution them to "Be careful." We can't help it. It's almost habit at this point. And as our child's protector we feel reassured after sharing those two little words. But does saying "Be careful" like a broken record have the effect we want? Does it have benefit at all or is there perhaps another lesson being unconsciously taught?

Why "Be Careful" Doesn't Work

     1) Be careful is too broad: What should your child be watching out for? Snakes? Their little brother or sister? Slippery rocks by the pool? Sunburn? Poison ivy? Bugs? "Be careful" is so broad it has become practically meaningless. So pick something more specific and stop repeating the same inane message. Take that spare second to give your child more guidance. What should they be wary of? When we provide an explanation of what they need to be careful of and why it is more likely to stick. Emphasize what will happen if they don't proceed with caution. Now your warning actually serves it's purpose and is more likely to be taken to heart.


     2) It is fear based: "Be careful" seems harmless enough. I mean after all our intentions are full of love and a desire to keep our child out of harm's way. But "be careful" has a very fear based message. It doubts their judgement and their abilities. A child who was fearlessly climbing a rock wall will now hesitate and doubt himself when he hears those little words. Because "Be careful" is teaching our child to fear - the unknown, trying new things, making mistakes and taking risks. It can make your growing child overly cautious and anxious. And if their fears continue unchecked it can grow uninhibited and lead to them missing out on many opportunities and adventures that life has to offer.

Instead Teach Them To "Be Safe"

     1) It's empowering: When we tell our child to "Be safe" instead of "be careful" it softly lets them know that we trust their judgement. It says we believe in their abilities. A child that is told to "Be safe" understands that bad things can and do happen. "Be safe" also tells them that it is okay to take a few healthy risks and consistently challenge themselves. These two little words are empowering and they will help your child take risks, be bold, and get ahead in life.

     2) It teaches awareness: Earlier we mentioned that "Be careful" is too broad and becomes one of those meaningless parenting phrases that isn't much help to our children at all. When we tell them to "be safe" we can make it much more specific to their developing skills and the environment they're entering. "Be safe and look for cars" teaches awareness and safety while playing near a street. It is not too broad and it is not a meaningless warning. "Be safe and look before you step" teaches a child to not only check for footing, terrain, but also wildlife in the area. This is great advice, and a great lesson to remind them of before they play outdoors, or before taking a walk.

     3) It promotes problem solving: Kids are learning while they play. And they will make some bad calls. Instead of yelling "be careful" or "drop that" in the middle of their mock battle with sticks while swinging from a tree like wild men help them practice their problem solving by asking "if they're being safe?" Prompt them further with a "what could you use instead as a weapon?" or "what might happen if they miss and actually hit each other?" You're effectively not only reminding them to be safe, but also to be aware of what outcome their actions might have, and to come up with a better plan. 

     So try breaking the "be careful" habit. Although your intentions are pure children need more information and the lesson in "be safe" is stronger. This doesn't mean they'll always listen to you. Some hard lessons you just have to learn for yourself. So give them the freedom to try, to push themselves, to take a few risks. Because those who are willing to stretch themselves and take a few risks are the ones who truly thrive later in life.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Quarantine and Helicopter Parenting

     We've talked a lot about how this pandemic and shelter in place has granted us a lot of time. Time with each other, time to relax, time to let loose, and time to play. However, many of us have been struggling to adjust and I mean really struggling. We are fighting tooth and nail for control. We cling to control in whatever small aspect we can find it because we have zero say in the uncertainty and the fear of this whole pandemic situation. And control can be good. It is good to control the amount of snacks your family is munching on. It is good to control the amount of electronics we use. But too much control, especially in parenting, can become a bad thing.

     During quarantine especially it is very easy to teeter into the realm of too much control. I mean we are around our family all day every day now. We are in charge of seeing them schooled properly, their martial arts training, and any other extra curricular activities in addition to the usual parenting tasks of caring for and raising strong and kind youth. And that is a lot of hats to be wearing. But if we are living quarantine completely inflexible we aren't going to be successful. So here are some ways to curb the quarantine helicopter parent that is coming out in many of us.

Have realistic expectations

     The online program has been awesome because it has allowed us to stay socially close to a lot of our Warrior families while remaining physically distant. And across the board school work has been a challenge for everyone involved. So calm your inner helicopter parent by making sure your expectations are realistic. They are not at school. They will not sit for hours and be focused and engaged. You are not their teacher. They will respond differently to you and that's okay. Schooling at home will have a very different pace. This is new to everyone and there are lots of distractions and fun things to do at home. So be realistic and create something that works for your family. The same goes for their martial arts training. It will be difficult for some kiddos to get into online training. Once again that is perfectly fine. Take your time. Be patient. Do the parent lessons with them until they are more involved again and can start taking some initiative and training on their own. The end is in sight.

Let them be bored

     When we go into full helicopter mode we try to plan everything for everyone. And while our efforts are noble, us making everything right and fun and happy 24/7 is actually not great for our child in the long run. It is okay for children to be bored. It is healthy. It forces them to think outside the box and take ownership of their own happiness. Their ability to discover what they love and hobbies they enjoy now will help them find happiness during stressful times in the future. So let your kids be bored. Give them room to stretch their creative muscles and discover some things about themselves. Because having everyone's day planned and entertaining minute to minute isn't just bad for them, it's also exhausting for you.

     The bottom line is the easy path (in life and in parenting) is rarely the right one. It is easy during uncertain times to seek coping by exerting greater control in our personal and family lives. It is easier to swoop in and make everything right than risk letting our children fail or hurt. However, constantly clearing the path and making life easy for our child is doing them a disservice. Because a child who doesn't face adversity isn't building coping skills. A child who's obstacles are so removed they are never disappointed, won't be able to manage day to day life in the real world. So although it's easy to become a quarantine helicopter parent we cannot. We must resist. Although we crave control during this out of our hands situation we cannot seek that feeling by exerting it overtly on our families. So be a sounding board. Don't fix everything for everyone. Check your expectations and let them be bored. We're nearly through this Warrior parents! And we've got this!

#RaiseAWarrior 

Cultivating Attention In A Distracted World

     Let's be honest. Children are easily distracted. This has never been more apparent than while battling with your child to do their school from home while video games are singing their siren's song in the next room. Many parents would just brush this off, saying it's a "fact of life" or that their child has "the average attention span" for a child of their age group. Doesn't that start to sound hollow after the 4th or 5th time? And why do we feel the need to justify our child's lack of attention? If we continue to normalize such a low standard of attention that "average attention span" will continue to decrease. So where are we going wrong?

     I mean if we're honest, it isn't just the children who are easily distracted in today's world. Everywhere we look there are things pulling for our attention and our time. Take your cell phone for example: how often does it go off on the average day? And how long can you let it sit before you give into the distracting urge to check and see what the latest message is from? Many of us cannot wait long. The reason for this is the distraction has become habitual. We crave the break from routine. And the industry knows this and is constantly trying to hijack and divert our attention with push notifications, reminders, and apps meant to feed our instant gratification mindset. Now does this mean our devices are the problem? No, not in the slightest. They are a factor, but we are not entirely guiltless.  The problem is we have all lost our ability to own our own attention. We pride ourselves on our multitasking skills, but in reality our split attention is frequently focused on the wrong thing. So here are some ways to check the distraction in your own life and bring the attention back to what really matters- raising the strongest and most prepared child you can.

Gradual Time Reminders

     Any parent who has tried to pull their kids focus away from a video game or the television to begin their homework or get ready for bed has experienced this one. A child who is engaged in something they truly enjoy will be reluctant or even angry when they are suddenly expected to stop what they're doing. And we can understand that feeling if we put ourselves in their shoes. I mean the Monday blues were real pre-quarantine after a truly enjoyable weekend away from work. So give them little time reminders. Set 5 or 10 minute timers and gently remind them once or twice what is coming up next. Give them a chance to exit the immersive world they've been lost in and help them mentally prepare for the next big thing. You'll be amazed at the decrease in emotional outbursts and confrontation this can bring to your home.

Teach Sequencing

     A lot of children, especially the ADD and ADHD ones have a hard time picturing what the finished product looks like. So they'll start a task with great intentions, but then they cannot see the end goal and their focus gets lost along the way. They have to learn how to break big tasks into smaller steps and then how to follow a sequence of steps through until completion. So how do we start to teach this skill? One way to teach sequencing is to use the "Get Ready - Do - Done" methodology (this helps children still mastering sequencing and also those struggling with anxiety, in addition to the ADD, and ADHD kids mentioned before). This method is great because it makes the planning visual. You are removing the mystery/confusion of a task by showing them what finished looks like. So if you want your child to do start their school work or their online martial arts training on their own you would pull out an old picture of them ready for martial arts class or doing their schoolwork at the table to give them that mental picture of what finished looks like. Depending on the child's age you might also need to point out elements needed to accomplish this goal (i.e. laptop, notebook, writing implements; or if training - electronic device, clear space, training equipment). Then you let them go. Afterwards you both compare what they managed to what the goal really was. This may take a few tries to become a habit, but by teaching them to plan then work, and then work the plan you are preparing them for success not only in school, but also the workplace, and beyond.

No More Yelling

     Have you ever shouted across the room or the house to another member of your family? Do you get a half-hearted "yeah" or "uh-huh" in response and then later denials of ever having had that conversation? It happens all the time in our home. Listen Warrior parents. We get it. We know parenting is a delicate juggling act and sometimes it just seems easier to shout for someone's attention because we feel it saves time. This is a parenting pitfall, however, that sets all of us up for failure. When we yell across the room we don't truly have our child's attention. They respond out of habit because they've learned it's expected of them. They aren't truly listening to us and are still more focused on their activity at hand. Often our yelled instructions to "get ready for martial arts class/dinner/homework etc." won't even register. So let's all cultivate attention by building better habits of communication. If we can't be bothered to make sure we have our child's attention, we can't be surprised that we never had it in the first place. Instead of yelling across the room, go up to your child, get on their level, make eye contact, use a gentle hand on the shoulder. Be empathetic. Be clear. Teach them that good communication requires sharing your undivided attention for a few precious moments in time. Children are much more likely to listen when they feel seen, heard, and understood by you regularly.

Explain Instead of Order

     No one enjoys being talked at or told what to do. And let's be honest, children are inquisitive. They are constantly wanting to learn and understand why something is just so. You can total drill sergeant if you want to. There is a time and a place for ordering your home about. And battles of wills and assertions of independence will happen somewhere along the way. Not every task has to be an uphill battle, however. When we get a child's attention and directing their understanding to why a task is important you are forced teaming with them. You are no longer matched against each other for dominance. Now you are on the same side, and the same page trying to accomplish a common goal. If it works in management it absolutely can work in your home. So take an extra moment to explain why the next task is important, it might just save you a headache in the long run.

Routines Are Your Friend

     When all else fails routines are your friend. Routines help us build habitual attention. It gives a growing child a sense of security because they know what to expect next. And it is a great way to combat character hurdles like procrastination or laziness because if we're on autopilot sometimes it's just easier to get those undesirable tasks done. For example I am not a morning person. Never have been and never will be. I just do not wake up bright and perky. So in building a routine I can focus on one step at a time until I feel a little more human and am able to safely join society without snapping at anyone. I lethargically nurse a cup of coffee while listening to a podcast. Am I listening exceptionally close? No. Does it wake my brain up some and make me feel productive? Definitely. At a predetermined time my phone automatically starts playing a pumped up wake up mix of upbeat music. I take a shower and get ready for the day. Often I don't even notice all of this happening, but by the time I am done I feel like a complete human again. Is this a strength of mine, absolutely not. Have I cultivated a routine to keep myself on track, yes. So try it with your family. The order and routine that works for us can often help a struggling child.

     Overall cultivating attention (especially when our normal routines are gone and there is so many distracting things at home) will be a journey for the whole family. We must learn to observe where our mind and emotions are and teach our children to do the same. We must recognize what led us to this distraction and then learn ways to combat our own inattention. Maybe that means you become a super planner and maybe that means you just need to build some routines. Bottom line is that there is immense power in being present and attending to the moment at hand. So teach your child to work hard and give one thing at a time their full attention. Because cultivating attention is a gift that keeps on giving. 

#RaiseAWarrior 

A Secret For Managing Stress and Anxiety

     Managing our emotions and stress is one of those skills that makes us successful in school, in our careers, and in our relationships. And unfortunately it is a skill that some people never manage. As parent's we want to be the spring board of our child's success so there are some skills we have to ensure they master. In previous blogs we have used this 5 step model for managing those big emotions when they start to spiral out of control. And while the steps pictured here is an excellent framework for self regulation when we're feeling frustrated or angry it doesn't cover the rest of those big emotions, like stress, anxiety, and worry.

     We all know that worry, stress, anxiety, and such are natural. It is our brain trying to do the impossible in a difficult situation. And let's be honest - this pandemic has been a difficult situation. Stress and worry is our natural attempt to control and make sense of the uncontrollable. And while we are more capable of filtering those emotions more effectively it is going to take some focus to teach our children to manage these feelings in a positive and productive manner. So first we'll address managing our own anxiety and then move onto the kiddos:

Ways to Manage Anxiety and Stress:

Stop and drop: We like this step because it's easy to remember and if it works to stop fires it can also work to stop our emotions from spiraling out of control. When you feel anxiety and stress rising stop what you're doing. Just drop it and take a moment to breathe. Drop the agenda, drop your expectations and take a moment. This keeps your emotions from hijacking you and from things getting out of hand.

Be here now: Look around. Notice three things in your present moment. Things that pull you to the present and your current situation. Notice your feelings and emotional state. Take a moment to name and acknowledge those feelings, but don't act on them yet.

Interrupt the drama: Is your response excessive given the current situation. You can easily recognize when your emotions are spilling over, but a child will need your help. Acknowledge their emotions. But do not validate or respond to an excessive emotional response. Disappointment that electronics time is over is understandable. A child throwing themselves on the floor or screaming they hate you - not so much.

Try a do-over: Sometimes when we're triggered all we need to do is acknowledge it and re-group. And sometimes when things are a little more intense or we took out our emotions on another person we need an entire change of pace to reconnect. So whether this means you acknowledge frustrations during school work at home and switch subjects, or whether you both entirely need to step away and do something fun for awhile. Do-overs are a great way to validate emotions and hurt feelings, and then reconnect.

So here's how this works for you:

     Facts: Most of us are not teachers. Also facts: Most of us are unprepared to home school or help our children with school at home. Present reality: Doing school work at home can be distracting and you and your child are going to butt heads. Emotional spiral: What if they aren't smart enough? What if I am not smart enough? What if I cause lasting damage and they fail next year? I don't have the patience for this? Is there something wrong with my child? This should be easy.... 

STOP AND DROP:

     Stop what you're doing. Just stop trying to teach and if you've been pushed too far stop interacting with your child entirely. Take a break. Drop your agenda of trying to teach and accomplish the assigned goals. 

BE HERE AND NOW:

     Look for things that bring you to the present. Your child's face. Your breathing. The sounds around your home. Anchor yourself in this moment. If you feel the need to lash out or act on your emotions remove yourself from the situation. Time outs for us are sometimes good too.

INTERRUPT THE DRAMA:

     Are your worries well founded? We are guilty of overreacting too. So find the worries that are completely ludicrous and get rid of them. This is not an impossible task. You can and will be able to do this until the school year is over. Re-phrase your thoughts in a more productive manner. Acknowledge this is in fact hard, but we're all in this together and you are not alone. If you still don't quite believe it reach out to those resources and prove it so. Touch base with the teacher, another parent, in the same situation, etc. Sometimes we need help laying those emotional thoughts to rest and that's okay.

TRY A DO-OVER: 

     Once you're more in control you are better able to reconnect with your child. So if you took out these fears and insecurities on your child take time to apologize and move forward together. If you both need more time to move past this put off the task you were trying to accomplish. School work is not the end of the world right now. It's important, but it can wait. Working through these feelings and stresses together you are teaching your child self-control, connection, stress management, and how to take care of loved ones when things get tense. Those are priceless lessons that can't wait. And they're good for the whole family, no matter our age. So take some time to use and teach these steps. It will make this topsy turvy time that much easier.

#RaiseAWarrior 

The Fallacy In Choosing Your Battles

     As the days stretch on- patience is fraying and our stress levels are rising. As parent's we feel forced to choose our battles with our children to keep the peace. After all, it is common parenting advice and we can't win/oversee every battle. How is that working for you? Do you constantly find yourself at odds with your child over the same thing over and over again. We believe that choosing your battles isn't the way towards establishing a more peaceful home. So instead of being at war with your child here are some ways to set you up for success. 

Why You Shouldn't Choose Your Battles

1) It puts everyone on the defensive: Right from the get-go you're prepared for a fight and so are they. We go into every request with our haunches up. And this parental state of mind is like a self fulfilling prophecy. It leads to the thing we were dreading- a power struggle. Which is miserable for everyone involved and rarely leads to a happy ending.

2) It teaches your child to push the boundaries more: When we choose our battles we are inconsistently parenting. This is true whether you are intermittently choosing to fight them on a particular issue, or when you choose to fight it but another parent doesn't. And our children pickup on that. Our inconsistencies teach a child that if they can overwhelm us with demands or wear us down eventually they will get their way. This leads to an increase in power struggles and leaves many parents feeling angry and resentful. Towards their child and towards themselves.

3) It creates an emotionally based decision making platform: When we are deciding to fight our child on an issue it is based on our current emotional state. When we are feeling capable, patient, and relaxed we are more likely to take a stand and teach our child a lesson. However, when we are flustered, irritated, stressed, or annoyed we begin to emotionally parent. Emotional parenting is when we give in. Emotional parenting isn't our best. But we've justified it by saying it is us 'choosing our battles.'

What To Do Instead

1) Set consistent limits: We shouldn't be choosing our battles, we should be choosing the limits that are non-negotiable for our family. And limits have to be decided upon and set before the heat of the moment. This also means everyone has to be on the same page, otherwise when your child receives an unsatisfactory answer they'll just go ask dad, or nana, or whoever it is that is a little more relaxed on the limits they enforce. Consistent limits doesn't mean inflexible. Circumstances have to be considered. Maybe on an average day only 2 hours of electronics is allowed in your home. But with all of us sheltering in place maybe you extend that to 4 hours for everyone's sanity. Completely fine. Explain this new limit and the reasoning behind it so you don't seem inconsistent and your child understands.

2) Always follow through: If you don't follow through then your limits aren't consistent. This doesn't mean your child will love or accept these limits. It is okay for them to protest or show displeasure about the rule. We all feel that way sometimes about the rules. So we shouldn't be upset with them for expressing their feelings. Reasonable expression of our emotions is healthy. So acknowledge their emotion and move on with your day. The worst thing you could do is cave into their desires, go against the limits you set, and then be frustrated with your child by the situation. 

3) Acknowledge requests: Once you get into the routine of this your child might begin to make proactive requests (like a lot of them). This is an improvement. To encourage it get into the habit of acknowledging their requests and then giving yourself some actual time to think before deciding. This prevents you from parenting reactively. Sometimes you will be able to make it happen and sometimes you won't. When you can't make their request happen try to plan when you can do it in the future. This doesn't mean they won't be upset with your response, but you've got to stick to your guns. It is okay for your child to be upset or disappointed. Life won't fulfill their every wish and we can't either. We need our children to be flexible and able to adapt and overcome when things don't go their way.

    Above all stay calm and be consistent. Transitioning from an emotional or reactional parenting model won't happen overnight. But if everyone is on the same page you will all grow stronger together. And as your child learns that family rules are non-negotiable and that fit throwing won't change that you will deal with less argueing, whining, and complaining. So no more choosing our battles. Lets end the power struggle with our children for good and move forward together.

#RaiseAWarrior