Helping Your Child Succeed During The School Year & Beyond

 

            Another school year has begun and while grades are a concern for future us we know how important it is for our children to do well academically. While bad grades aren’t necessarily a determinate of how your child’s future will shape out it does denote a certain lack of prioritizing, time management, self-discipline, dedication, and hard work. All of which are life changing skills that if mastered help your growing child be successful. This week we wanted to talk about positive ways you can help your child motivate themselves to do better in school rather than trying to force it.

Introducing the "When you" rule

            Sometimes we don’t have the necessary discipline to be self-starters, the same is true for our children especially when it comes to homework. The “when you” rule can help build that skill and it’s the sort of real-world consequences our child needs to recognize. For example for us the rule is when we work we get paid. Our actions in the beginning lead to positive consequences later. So how does that work in your home? Start saying things like “When your homework is completed, we can discuss you going to that sleep over” or “When you finish studying you are welcome to play video games, outside, with your friend, etc.” Then stick to your guns and do what you said. No video games until homework. No talking of birthday parties, ice cream, or sleep overs until that assignment is done. Your child must learn to delay gratification and do their work before they get to play and this is a great tip to help them do just that.

Create structure

            Your child’s homework and bad grades are not your responsibility after a certain age. It is their job, but you can help structure their day to help them succeed. This requires a little acknowledgement that each of our children are different. Some kids need a little down time to decompress before they focus again, for some that de-rails them and they will never be able to get back into work mode. Use who your child is help them create an After School schedule and routines. Do they need a snack first? Can they do it in a centralized area or is that too distracting? Does doing homework on their bed lead to a nap or endless scrolling? Do they need device free periods set aside to succeed? I mean if schools have no device times so can your home. Work with your child to find what works best for them within the bounds of what you can handle to enforce.

Break assignments into manageable pieces

            I am a pro-procrastinator unless I immediately break big projects into smaller pieces with little deadlines. That took a lot of trial and error to learn. Sometimes our kids take charge and can tackle big assignments with little aid but sometimes this isn’t a skill that comes naturally and they might need some help turning weaker traits of their personality into strengths. When they get new assignments talk to them about it. Communicate and see if your child feels they need help breaking an assignment into smaller pieces or if they want to try and manage it themselves. Then let it be. Once you decide on a plan see it through for better or worse. You are there to teach them not micromanage everything they do. Good grades aren’t truly their success if you had to plead and fight them every step of the way. Introduce them to various tools to help with this and discover what methods mesh with them and which ones do not for example I am a pen to paper always kind of person. Digital is good for reminders of things out of the norm like doctor’s appointment, but I do much better if everything else involves me writing it down and making a plan or lists of what I need to accomplish.

Don't over function for your child

            It is nerve wracking and frustrating to see your child struggle, not take something seriously and not fulfill their potential. You may feel pressure that your child’s lack of good grades reflects poorly on you as a parent. In response we go into overdrive to cope with our feelings of shame, embarrassment, and failure. Resist the temptation. Your anxiety and over functioning projected on your child doesn’t help them or you function better. In fact, it often causes things to go downhill even faster. Give your child a framework or model of successful structure and then let them do the work. They must bear the consequences, good or bad, to grow. You are a coach in the sidelines. You give direction and set the strategy, but you cannot make the play yourself. Failure is a natural part of growing up and learning. ‘Protecting’ your child from failure isn’t for their benefit, but rather our own feelings and insecurities.

Final thoughts don't obsess over the future

                It is easy for our fears and concerns about our child’s education to fast forward to the future. I don’t know about you, but my crystal ball isn’t working so I choose to ignore it and not play the what if game. Hyper focusing on the negative things your child is doing is tricky because it can cause us to lose sight of the positives and sets us both up for a long and difficult journey. One bad grade isn’t an indicator of your child’s entire future. If there are several it might be time to check in with them and their teacher as well as yourself and where your family is at. Often grades reflect what stressors are going on in life. We will all have our share of highs and lows. Being a good human isn’t academics or success so keep the big picture in mind. Is your child helpful, kind, hardworking, teachable? Those traits can propel them through the natural highs and lows of academics and life. Those traits are more important than a single B or not being Valedictorian. I literally failed college tennis, but it wasn’t a stumbling block for me just a blip. Breathe Warrior parents. You’ve got this and so does your growing Warrior.

 #RaiseAWarrior 

Family Values: An Attitude of Gratitude

       Thanksgiving is one of those classic holidays loved by many and with good reason. It's a time to gather together, share a meal of abundance and give thanks for all the good in our lives, be it large or small. And it is also an amazing opportunity to teach our children what the holiday is all about: Gratitude. 

      Gratitude is one of those traits that is truly life changing. It allows us to step outside of our own self interest and helps us understand that the goodness in our lives is due in part to the people and circumstances around us. Especially as a kid, most of the good they experience in life wouldn't be possible without the love of the people in their lives. Those things are privileges that aren't always given or earned. 

     So if you're looking to foster a greater practice of gratitude in your homes this month we've got you covered. Studies have shown that full fledged gratitude occurs in four parts. And while your younger child may not be consistently hitting all of these marks we've got some advice on how to increase your child's awareness so they can start making a habit of gratitude. 

Noticing:

     The first step in any journey is awareness. You have to start recognizing the things you have to be grateful for before you can start being grateful. And this is true regardless of age. Maybe your child already see's the good in their lives but maybe this is still a work in progress. Parent's can lead by example and offer guided questions to foster increased awareness of the great things in their life outside of their power. Here are some examples to get you going -

• What do you have in your life that you are grateful for?
•  Are 'things/objects/gifts' the only thing you have to be grateful for?
• What gifts have you been given that you can't physically hold in your hand?
• Are you grateful for any of the people in your life? 
• Why are you grateful for him/her?

Questions like these help your child learn to recognize that there is so much more to be thankful for then just physical gifts. Helping them realize this early on will help them be less materialistic, selfish, and more self aware.

Thinking:

     Once your child or teen begins to start noticing unprompted all the people and things that help make their life great it's time to start teaching them to think about why have they been giving those things. Ask them questions like

• Why do you think you received this gift?
• Do you think you should do something in return?
• Do you think you earned this gift?
• Did the giver have to give you that gift?

As they start to realize they cannot do enough or be enough to earn all the kindness and love they are receiving they start to value those personalized gifts and effort even more than before. Now their gratitude for gifts, acts of service or love and the time people invest in them is starting to take wing.

Feeling:

     Gratitude is an emotional experience. It is so much more than a hurried thank you or a quick note of appreciation. And it can drastically impact your overall happiness and satisfaction in life. Isn't that what every parent wants. So start asking pointed questions to help them connect their positive feelings to the gifts they've received.

• How you feel when you received this gift?
• What about the gift makes you feel happy?
• How can you share your joy and excitement with them?
• Are there ways you can pass that joy and happiness on?

Doing:

     Gratitude is an experience that is meant to be shared and expressed. And there are so many fun ways to do that regardless of age. So whether you a family who writes thoughtful thank you(s), pays it forward, makes heartfelt gifts, does random acts of kindness, or shows your gratitude with some quality time and memories together, make sure you lead by example and teach your kiddos that the final part of gratitude is doing something about what you're feeling. After all the best feelings in life are meant to be shared and expressed. You've got this Warrior parents!

#RaiseAWarrior 

How To Get What You Want Without Nagging

     As parents we know there are many important things we need to teach our children during this time. And we tend to try to really drive home the point that this stuff really matters through repetition. But for some reason no matter how much we harp, nothing we say seems to get through to them. How do we teach our children to be good successful people if our advice just goes in one ear and out the other? What good are we achieving? Why does this method of teaching lead to such push back?

     The problem lies in nagging. No one sets out to be a nag. And most of us hate to be nagged ourselves. However, it is an easy parenting cycle to fall into. Because naturally in trying to really drive home our point we repeat ourselves over and over again. We are trying to help, but as we say the same thing again and again, our words start to lose their meaning. They lose their urgency because the listener knows you'll bring it up again later. And as we start to get frustrated by their lack of response, our initially kind and patient admonishments become a personal sore spot which we have no patience, no time, or understanding for. So today we're tackling why nagging doesn't work and how to get what you want in a more positive manner.

     

Why We Nag

     The first step towards fixing any problem is recognizing it. And nagging is no different. Nagging is surprisingly more about us than our kids. It can happen because we feel powerless and chaotic in certain aspects of our lives and so we seek control of something, even if it's just the micro behaviors of our family. Sometimes nagging occurs because we feel anxious for the competitive world in which our children will have to work in and so we constantly push them to the top and towards our perception of excellence. Sometimes we nag because we are so busy and stressed out that we are truly parenting on the fly. We begin barking instructions and sometimes forget amidst it all that they are children who need our patience and guidance.  And other times our nagging comes purely from unrealistic expectations or subconscious learned behaviors from our own parents. Regardless of the cause if your kids aren't listening to you regularly and you feel the need to nag it might be time to look within.

Why Nagging Doesn't Work

     No matter our good intentions, it is important for us to understand why our nagging is ineffective. Our nagging conveys many negative messages to our family. Nagging teaches that we don't trust each other to just do the right thing and that we feel the need to micro manage them with a double and triple check because they are incompetent or incapable. It is a controlling parenting tactic that can lead to resentment or more confrontation and rebellion (especially with an older child). It is a form of negative reinforcement, which science has proved time and time again to be an inferior model of teaching. Nagging is a constant form of finding fault and it can wear a child's self worth down. And at the end of the day it's just words. Our children learn to dodge these words and tune them out because experience has told them eventually you'll let it drop or finally do it yourself.

A Better Way Of Getting What You Want

     So how do we get out of this cycle? Because once we fall into a routine of nagging there is always something else to nag about. And for those of us doing the nagging, it is exhausting to stay on top of everything for every one all the time. So where does it end? Luckily for us tired parents there is a better way for you to get what you want consistently from your family. It just takes a little bit of retraining for them and you. So here the Warrior Parent's action plan to making the change

1. Find Your Triggers: As parents, each of us have individual things we feel compelled to fix in our child. There are triggers that just matter more to us. For example some of you can avoid nagging over sloppiness much easier than you can homework hurdles. Our child's education just carries more weight. We feel compelled to do something about it so they can be successful. Identifying your triggers for nagging and understanding why you feel compelled to do so goes a long way towards ending this parenting cycle.We know that everyone needs a push from time to time and the last thing we want is to not push our children when it's needed; but it is also important to realize that when parenting from a position of insecurity we rarely choose the best path.
   
   
2. Listen to find the root problem: Nagging is the opposite of listening. And if there are reasons for our nagging there are also most likely reasons for our child's inaction. Yes it is very important to you that your child has a love of learning and get's their homework done. Maybe they are dragging their feet because they don't want to be the smart kid and mocked by the peers. Or maybe it's as simple as they want to finish this episode or level first. When we take the time to listen to our child we are putting ourselves on the same side rather than on opposite ends of a battle field. 
   
   
3. Plan B: Once you've examined yours and your child's reasons for action or inaction it's time for plan B. There are several ways to do this. (1) You can let your child suggest a plan, (2) you can come up with a plan together, or (3) you can set forth the natural consequence and step back and let them decide. So if we continue using the homework hurdle as an example. Instead of nagging your child to get their work done you can (1) ask them to tell you their plan so you don't have to worry anymore. This shows your child concern for their education but also confidence in their ability to make it happen and problem solve. (2) If your child isn't certain how to succeed you can come up with a plan together. Maybe it is distraction holding them back instead of fear or distaste. In which case setting a timer and checking in on them routinely might be beneficial. (3) And if all else fails don't be afraid to lay out the negatives like it is. No they don't actually have to read that book or write that report right now. They don't have to pass their classes. However, there are natural consequences to their actions that you cannot and will not protect them from. And if they choose them you will let them fail a grade, be kicked out of sports/extracurricular activities, and do summer school.
   
   
4. Empower Your Child With The Right Tools: We can't expect our children to succeed without the right tools to strengthen them. And we do feel the need to nag when we don't believe our child is able to succeed. So if your child is easily distracted during homework time or wants to game first get them a timer or alarm. They can set it for an agreed upon period of time to reorient themselves or let them know it is time to get busy. If your child is misplacing assignments get them things to help organize better or help them setup a homework station so all their things are right where it's needed. If your child is forgetting assignments or missing deadlines try a planner, electronic reminders or a wall calendar. An empowered child is one with the right tools. And if we've set them up for success there isn't really a need for our nagging.
   
   
   
   
   
5. Positive Reinforcement: Building new habits take time. It will be quite a transition for you to stop nagging and for your child to take a more active role in getting tasks done. So praise-praise-praise. And if you must correct use the model praise-correct-praise. If your child turns off their game when the timer goes off or doesn't have to scramble to find their assignments before they go to school praise their execution of their end of the bargain. Praise their preparedness, their great attitude, their organization, their work-play balance. Be creative with your praises so they remain sincere. But if your child didn't quite hold up to their end of the bargain, don't nag. Use the positive reinforcement technique of praise-correct-praise. Praise them for starting their homework. Correct them by saying "In the future you would like them to use the timer like they agreed upon to avoid distraction." And praise them to end on a positive note by saying "You're proud that they're getting back on track so quickly."

     The bottom line is nagging is an exhausting and unsuccessful parenting tact. We know that by making these slight course corrections with your family you will be more successful and have more time for what truly matters- raising strong children with good character while making awesome memories together. You've got this!

#RaiseAWarrior 

Combating Perfectionism: 3 Reminders For You and Your Child

     Perfectionism. Sometimes it is a word mistakenly used to recognize our child's accomplishments and how proud we are of their hard work. However, for those of us raising a perfectionist child, we know that it's no small matter. Parenting a perfectionist is hard. That isn't to say we don't want our children to hold themselves to high standards. They can and they should do so. But perfectionism is unattainable. If you expect life to be perfect, you are establishing unrealistic goals and can never be satisfied with the result. And we want our children to be happier than that. We want them to enjoy and recognize their accomplishments and growth, not say it's good luck and begin worrying about performing as well in the future. So as we get into the swing of this interesting school year here are some important lessons or mantras to teach your child. These mantras are aimed directly against the false beliefs of perfectionism and can be reiterated regularly in our day to day lives by our parenting response (be it words or deeds). Because for all of us recovering perfectionists out there we know that perfectionism left unchecked just makes life harder than it truly should be.

I can make mistakes and ask for help.

     A perfectionist child perpetually puts themselves in a difficult spot. Because perfectionists feels unable to make mistakes or ask for help. The idea of doing so makes them feel less than. It makes them feel uncomfortably vulnerable and the opposite of successful. Sometimes this goes to such extremes that they present a facade or lie to seem perfect and like they have it all together. They mistakenly place their value in the ability to do all things perfectly and this falsity puts the enormous weight of the world on their shoulders. Parents of these children must constantly reiterate that everyone makes mistakes from time to time and so asking for a little help or experiencing a setback is not a sign of failure or weakness; but rather strength in knowing their limits and moving beyond them.

My way isn't always the best way.

       Perfection is the perfectionists true north. It is their sole thought, goal and purpose. And since they view themselves as a perfectionist, all other's fall a little short of this goal. This makes it very difficult for the perfectionist to recognize other's ideas and see the value of another's perspective. This unwillingness to incorporate and objectively view other's ideas leads to difficulties playing with siblings and other children now and more hardships in the work place and relationships later on. Parents of perfectionist children must help them see the value other's bring to the table and that their ideas and views aren't always right.

I am enough just as I am.

      We've mentioned that perfectionist children feel the need to appear perfect and will lie and hide things to make certain this facade or view of themselves remains intact. The last thing we want is for our children to feel the need to hide and pretend with us. We don't want them to grow up feeling like they will be condemned for showing their true selves. We don't want them to fear mistakes and view it as a ruination of relationships and to believe that a show of weakness or mistakes will lead to us viewing them as an irreparable disappointment. Our child will always be loved, mistakes and all, because that's what being a parent is. Teaching them now that they are already accepted, and loved for who they are in this moment, no matter what, will go a long ways towards reversing the ill effects of perfectionism. So let your child know they don't have to prove themselves worthy, for they are already yours and are forever loved as such. 

     Perfectionism at it's core is based on a number of lies and false beliefs. These are incorrect views about ourselves and the world around us. Beliefs that we aren't enough, we can't show weakness, and that our mistakes change the way others love and care for us. So as we continue with this different sort of school year we hope these positively phrased mantras serve as reminder, no matter our age. Because we are enough. Giving our best and intermittently experiencing setback or failure is okay. Asking for help can be a sign of strength. And the right people, the true ones, will love us and stand by us no matter our faults.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Gratitude: In the Holidays and Beyond

     Looking around at today's culture we can clearly see evidence of a growing trend that is sub-optimal to say the least. More and more young people are growing up, feeling that the world genuinely revolves around them. So how do we curb this growing me epidemic in a culture that is all about selfie?? As parent's we can easily recall times when we felt frustrated or embarrassed by how ungrateful our child has been in moments past. We also know, realistically that life is hard and can't be relied on to gift our child's every heart's desire and whim. So how do we ensure our children truly learn to appreciate all they have? A grateful attitude is so much more than training our littles to recite a polite "thank you" to friends and family. At this time of holiday cheer we know that gratitude, especially when practiced daily, brings so much added joy to our lives. So how do we make grateful hearts the underlying theme in our home in this season of thankfulness and beyond? We scoured the internet and hope that the following ideas will make the upcoming holiday season that much brighter and better.

     So first things first, you've recognize the need for more gratitude in your child. Now the hard part. We have to truly take a look at our own actions and how they play into this. I mean we do all this great stuff for our kids... outings, activities, gifts, the list goes on... we fill their time with joy and then the second we are home the whining and complaining begins again with full force. Our frustration is almost instantaneous. Can't they see we work so hard for them?! This cycle of us trying to fulfill our child's every desire, ungrateful whining, and frustration begins again and again. But the truth is we don't have to do all these things for them. We live in a world where picture perfect parenting is pushed into our face 24/7 and so like any peer pressure gimmick we feel the need to do more, buy more, and be more for our child. The truth is it is ok for a child to want non-necessities or for there to be a regular delay in gratification. If you aren't happy with your child's behavior look first to your role in the situation.


     Luckily for us our children becoming needy and demanding is not inevitable. Nothing is set in stone and even the most distractible, still developing child can be set on the right path and taught to be thankful for the blessings in their life. Gratitude is more than just words or even a behavior, it is an internal experience and an overall outlook on life. It involve us not only NOTICING the things people give or do for us, it involves us THINKING about why the would show us such care, connecting that with how we FEEL about receiving such kindness, and then DOING something to express our appreciation. The key to our children developing an attitude of gratitude is for them to start NOTICING, THINKING, FEELING, and then DOING something about it.
   
     This plus a daily effort to count our blessings will lead to better quality of relationships all around as well as increased happiness and less complaining in your home. I don't know about you, but that sounds like a win to us. So invest the added time and effort into teaching your child the principle of gratitude. Not only will it benefit everyone now, but it also arms your child with the emotional strength and fortitude to make it through life's times of plenty and times of hardship with grace and a grateful heart.

We hope you have the happiest of Thanksgivings this week! 

And we are so incredibly grateful for every single one of you!!!

11 Tips for Instilling True Gratitude in Your Kids

#RaiseAWarrior

 

Halloween Safety

Halloween is a magical time full of spooks, ghouls, and pumpkin fun. Kids absolutely love it. The trick or treating, classroom parties, costumes, and sugar rush all instantly make Halloween our kiddo's favorite. For parents there is often a fine line between Halloween fun and safety concerns. Here's a great post with quick tips on how to keep this spooky holiday from being a scary one.

We hope you have an AMAZING Halloween!

15 trick-or-treating safety tips to ensure a happy and healthy Halloween

#RaiseAWarrior

Tricky People: Things to Teach You Child Before Trick or Treating

     With Halloween coming up it's time to start thinking about how to protect our kiddos and ensure they have a safe night while trick or treating. Halloween can be a big scary night, but not because of costumes. Whether you trick or treat with your child, let them go in a group, send them out alone or with a sibling, Halloween can be a ripe opportunity for your child to get lost or separated from the group by accident or by people who's intentions are far from noble.

     We work on stranger danger with your Warriors regularly. We want them to feel comfortable saying "No", fighting and running (when needed) while yelling for help, and with telling a safe adult what happened after. But what if your child gets lost and needs an adult's help to locate you? Do they know how to recognize a safe stranger?? Have you reiterated how to recognize a tricky adult who might not truly be trying to help them? Do you as a family, have a safe word or password that allows your child to leave an area with another adult?


   
     These are scary topics to think about, but teaching our children the information and skills they need in order to handle unsafe situations breeds confidence- not fear. When everything is said and done, the phrase "knowledge is power" undoubtedly applies to our children keeping themselves safe. As much as we wish we could physically be present always and protect our kiddos from everything, that is just not reality. So don't lose sleep over this. You can empower your child and give them confidence by teaching them what to do in these kinds of situations.

     This article by our sister school, Pride Mixed Martial Arts in Edmond Oklahoma, offers some great advice on how to seek out a safe adult and practice feeling courageous and strong in these kind of situations. A few other safety points we would like to make include:

1. Teach your child that in addition to women (as the below article suggests), strangers in uniform (i.e. Police officers, fire fighters, EMS, nurses, military personnel, store workers, and security guards) tend to be good guys and the safest in a situation where your child is lost and/or need help
2. Teach your child that if an adults needs help, they'll ask another adult for help. Not a kid. This is important to stress because only tricky people try to lure a child away by asking a kid for their help.
3. Setup a family password. If an emergency were to arise and you or another family member cannot pick the child up from school, or an event it is best to have a family password setup in advance. This password has to be given by the neighbor or friend attempting to pick the child up before the child leaves the area with them. This is important because as much as we want to trust the people in our lives, statistics show that children are taken advantage of primarily by someone they are familiar with rather than a true stranger they've never met. Instilling a family password lets your child know all is safe and this empowers them during stressful or scary situations. Be sure to quiz them on this password routinely and change it once utilized.

Overall the important thing to remember is:

"It's not what you do for your children,

but what you have taught them to do for themselves

that will make them successful human beings" (Ann Landers)

Hope this helps! Check the full article out here and get ready 

to have an AMAZING safe and fun Halloween with your Warrior!

Teach your kids how to talk to strangers

#RaiseAWarrior 

Fall Family Fun

The weather is about to start cooling down.
So it's a great time to start planning things you can do with your family.

Get outside, see the colors and make some memories.
Here's an article with over 30 awesome ideas for activities you can do as a family.
I think I'm going to have to find an apple orchid!!

30+ Fall Activities Every Family Should Do This Season