Siblings have such a big impact on childhood and development. They can be our first playmate and our oldest friend with the right nurturing. But some sibling relationships play out quite wildly. So if your home feels like the frontline of World War III with all this extra summer time we may need to look at our effect on sibling relationships. Because whether we intend for it to or not our parenting can greatly impact sibling rivalry. Luckily a few conscious parenting changes can go a long ways towards helping siblings learn social skills, improve their bonds, and learn about positive methods of conflict resolution.
We get it Warrior parents. Some kids are jut easier to raise than others. But although it can be tempted to get exasperated and say "Why can't you be more like (blank)" you MUST resist. Comparing your kiddos, especially in front of them is a surefire way to foster resentment and stoke the fires of sibling rivalry. And it changes nothing. It definitely isn't a positive parenting tactic and will not have the intended effect. So even if one child is a trouble maker and the other a people pleasure don't label them such or point it out. You want to foster a relationship where both children feel seen and acknowledged for what uniqueness and strengths they bring to the family unit. You can't achieve these kinds of positive goals with such a negative narrative. So if you are prone to comparing your children don't do it!
Don't Reinforce Victim and Aggressor Roles
We know that as parents we wear many hats throughout a sibling argument. We are the detective, the referee, the judge and the soother. The problem is when we step into the judge role we have to do so cautiously. After we have passed our judgement we tend to banish the "aggressor" to their room for punishment all while showering the "victim" with soothing attention and physical contact. This can be a slippery slope however as it sends a message that acting the weaker player in an argument (whether it is true or not) will garner parental attention and affection. This then sets the scene in motion for repeat outbursts with perhaps even more drama and manipulation. Neither of which is what we want. So discipline and console privately and separately. Our actions (conscious or not) send many messages to our growing child.
Teach Appreciation of Differences & The Importance of A Good Team Up
Different temperaments and forms of play is a minefield of conflict opportunity. So teach your children to respect the differences in the others and to above all love each other. This in turn also helps set the stage for other positive social interactions and relationships with their peers. So give your children opportunities to play and work together on their own terms. Have them plan an activity, practice sharing or by taking turns. You can also have them team up to do chores. Teach them to play off of each other's strengths and make it a race to beat the adults. All of these tasks encourage your kiddos to work together to achieve a common goal while also giving them some room to figure it out and practice getting along on their own. There is some monitoring of course, but giving them room to see the power house a positive sibling bond can be only encourages them to continue nurturing it in the future.
Demonstrate Healthy Conflict Resolution
And last but not least teach your children that even people who love each other can disagree. It's a fact of life. How we handle those disagreements is what really matters. And our kiddos get the formula for conflict resolution by emulating and watching us. So be a household that says no to name calling, no to withholding affection and no to physical fighting. Set the standard that there are ways to listen to others and show respect even while we disagree. Be a family who is mindful of other's space and belongings and doesn't put down other's opinions. And then practice what you preach. Let your kiddos see you and others work through respectful conflict resolution. Arguing doesn't have to be a negative thing. It is a normal and healthy part of all relationships. We just have to teach our children how to handle those situations with respect and consideration for another's feelings.
Above all remember that sibling relationships are also a learning laboratory. Some days will be better than others, but this is a lifelong journey and friendship. Siblings are great for teaching us how to understand others and interacting positively with those around us. And these priceless skills begin in the home. You've got this!
