Teaching Your Child To Choose Good Friends

      Friendships are an integral part of life for many of us. And whether those relationships have lasted a decade or are just newly begun we know that having friends takes a lot of work. For along with all of that fun, laughter, support, and memory making also comes the occasional conflict, hurt feelings, anger or sadness. Knowing the importance of relationships in our lives, it's important that we give our children the tools to find good friends, and become good friends themselves. Here's some good ways to start.

Start with Self Esteem

      The first step in teaching our children to be good friends is to teach them to be good to themselves. A child who is confident and comfortable with their own self worth is less like to fall into toxic relationships, to join in on bullying and to seek others to fill an emotional void within. So praise their handwork and successes. Take the time to highlight their best attributes regularly. By teaching them to be good to themselves you are also setting them up to be a great friend to others.

Model Good Friendships

      Our children are learning from us even when we feel like they aren't really paying attention. And the way we treat our peers sets the framework for how they will treat their friends. So take the time to check in, surround yourself with positive people, and invest time and energy into nurturing those meaningful friendships. They're likely to do the same.

Define A Good Friend

      There are many characteristics that make a good friend. Many of these like honesty, kindness, being a good listener are things we regularly teach our child at home. Keep up those strong character building lessons helps ensure they not only take those qualities into their interactions with the rest of the world but that they are also seeking them out. An easy way to check in is to ask your child how being around a certain friend made them feel. Do they feel built up, happy, supported and energized? Or does being around a certain person only tear them down. These questions can help your child discern whether the person they want to hang out with is a wise or poor choice. And this is such an important lesson since they will continue to choose their friends regardless of our input especially as they get older.

Exploring Common Interests

     In the beginning shared time or interest is what starts to bind budding friendships together. Maybe they're in the same class, play on the same street, are in martial arts class together, or are simply the same age. These seemingly mundane beginnings can be nurtured into the kind of friendships that keeps them joined at the hip. So help your child explore their interests and try new things. These new experiences and having things in common that they enjoy doing together can help foster many young friendships.

Appreciating the Differences

     Of course friends don't have to be alike to be successful. Every individual has special qualities they bring to the relationship. So teach your child to recognize others' unique gifts and celebrate each others differences. Point out to your child what admirable traits you notice about their friends. It will help them value and seek out those qualities in others. Plus friends who are different bring many opportunities to learn, grow and try new things. 

Teach Conflict Resolution

     Friends don't always agree or get along with each other perfectly. In order for them to be successful we have to teach our children to manage those little conflicts. Because helping our children learn how to accept responsibility for their actions, apologize and move forward are essential skills to all future relationships they will have. 

(FOR OLDER KIDS) Look at Quantity vs Quality

      As our children get older and begin to navigate the social circles of middle and high school their view of friendship can start to shift. The "in" thing becomes more about popularity than creating deep and meaningful bonds. So help your child understand the difference in quantity vs quality of friends. And encourage them to seek out the latter because it is much more valuable and worthwhile friend to have.

     Bottom line is we cannot choose our child's friends for them their whole life. I mean you can try, but that historically never goes well. So whether you like your child's friends or are concerned about them focus on being a positive influence. And remember you can start instilling this friendship framework and mentality no matter where you are in your journey. So open a dialogue with your child on what makes a good friend. Check in with them on how they feel after spending time with someone. And always embody the values you want your child to seek out. Just by your family living your life and having their friends over (even if they aren't your favorite) you can be an influence for good.

#RaiseAWarrior 

 

Helping Your Child Succeed During The School Year & Beyond

 

            Another school year has begun and while grades are a concern for future us we know how important it is for our children to do well academically. While bad grades aren’t necessarily a determinate of how your child’s future will shape out it does denote a certain lack of prioritizing, time management, self-discipline, dedication, and hard work. All of which are life changing skills that if mastered help your growing child be successful. This week we wanted to talk about positive ways you can help your child motivate themselves to do better in school rather than trying to force it.

Introducing the "When you" rule

            Sometimes we don’t have the necessary discipline to be self-starters, the same is true for our children especially when it comes to homework. The “when you” rule can help build that skill and it’s the sort of real-world consequences our child needs to recognize. For example for us the rule is when we work we get paid. Our actions in the beginning lead to positive consequences later. So how does that work in your home? Start saying things like “When your homework is completed, we can discuss you going to that sleep over” or “When you finish studying you are welcome to play video games, outside, with your friend, etc.” Then stick to your guns and do what you said. No video games until homework. No talking of birthday parties, ice cream, or sleep overs until that assignment is done. Your child must learn to delay gratification and do their work before they get to play and this is a great tip to help them do just that.

Create structure

            Your child’s homework and bad grades are not your responsibility after a certain age. It is their job, but you can help structure their day to help them succeed. This requires a little acknowledgement that each of our children are different. Some kids need a little down time to decompress before they focus again, for some that de-rails them and they will never be able to get back into work mode. Use who your child is help them create an After School schedule and routines. Do they need a snack first? Can they do it in a centralized area or is that too distracting? Does doing homework on their bed lead to a nap or endless scrolling? Do they need device free periods set aside to succeed? I mean if schools have no device times so can your home. Work with your child to find what works best for them within the bounds of what you can handle to enforce.

Break assignments into manageable pieces

            I am a pro-procrastinator unless I immediately break big projects into smaller pieces with little deadlines. That took a lot of trial and error to learn. Sometimes our kids take charge and can tackle big assignments with little aid but sometimes this isn’t a skill that comes naturally and they might need some help turning weaker traits of their personality into strengths. When they get new assignments talk to them about it. Communicate and see if your child feels they need help breaking an assignment into smaller pieces or if they want to try and manage it themselves. Then let it be. Once you decide on a plan see it through for better or worse. You are there to teach them not micromanage everything they do. Good grades aren’t truly their success if you had to plead and fight them every step of the way. Introduce them to various tools to help with this and discover what methods mesh with them and which ones do not for example I am a pen to paper always kind of person. Digital is good for reminders of things out of the norm like doctor’s appointment, but I do much better if everything else involves me writing it down and making a plan or lists of what I need to accomplish.

Don't over function for your child

            It is nerve wracking and frustrating to see your child struggle, not take something seriously and not fulfill their potential. You may feel pressure that your child’s lack of good grades reflects poorly on you as a parent. In response we go into overdrive to cope with our feelings of shame, embarrassment, and failure. Resist the temptation. Your anxiety and over functioning projected on your child doesn’t help them or you function better. In fact, it often causes things to go downhill even faster. Give your child a framework or model of successful structure and then let them do the work. They must bear the consequences, good or bad, to grow. You are a coach in the sidelines. You give direction and set the strategy, but you cannot make the play yourself. Failure is a natural part of growing up and learning. ‘Protecting’ your child from failure isn’t for their benefit, but rather our own feelings and insecurities.

Final thoughts don't obsess over the future

                It is easy for our fears and concerns about our child’s education to fast forward to the future. I don’t know about you, but my crystal ball isn’t working so I choose to ignore it and not play the what if game. Hyper focusing on the negative things your child is doing is tricky because it can cause us to lose sight of the positives and sets us both up for a long and difficult journey. One bad grade isn’t an indicator of your child’s entire future. If there are several it might be time to check in with them and their teacher as well as yourself and where your family is at. Often grades reflect what stressors are going on in life. We will all have our share of highs and lows. Being a good human isn’t academics or success so keep the big picture in mind. Is your child helpful, kind, hardworking, teachable? Those traits can propel them through the natural highs and lows of academics and life. Those traits are more important than a single B or not being Valedictorian. I literally failed college tennis, but it wasn’t a stumbling block for me just a blip. Breathe Warrior parents. You’ve got this and so does your growing Warrior.

 #RaiseAWarrior 

Parents: The Shield Between Our Youth And The Internet

The internet and it's use have become such an ingrained part of our world that it is hard to remember what our lives were like without it. For our children, no such world has ever existed. The online world is how they are connected to everything and everyone; so to them it can often seem more real than the real world. 
But there are a wealth of dangers that this great tool hides. Content that is too mature, predators who prey on the young, apps that are used to promote sexuality, click bait, and even the 
abuse of internet amongst their own peers in the form of bullying.

It is crucial to our children’s well being that we understand what they see online, 
what is out there, both good and bad, 
and how it impacts their physical and emotional well being.

Our children are so young, innocent, and easily influenced. Some children, as young as six,
proudly carry an iPhone with them daily. They don't see the dangers in these devices that they use in play and for entertainment. We can't rely on screening algorithms to determine what is best for our child. 
When it comes to cyberbullying our role is to defend and protect the well being of our youth.

Cyberbullying- What to look for and what you can do

#RaiseAWarrior

The Giving Tree: A Lesson for Parents

 

                Do you ever revisit a part of your youth and find it too not be the same? We recently encountered that while reading “The Giving Tree” by Shel Silverstein. Who remembers this fondly as a heartwarming story? If you read it again you might be surprised about how dark it gets. At it’s core this is a story about a little boy who takes, and takes, and takes and a tree who gives and gives until there is nothing left. At first glance the tree’s acts of sacrifice seem noble, but we can also see that it leads to a very spoiled child who takes selfishly without consideration of the cost. There are several lessons for parents in this tale

It's Not Okay To Give For Another Until It Hurts

                As parents we love our children unconditionally. No matter what they do, they will always be ours and we will always want what’s best for them. What’s best for them, however, should not come above all else. Our relationship dynamic with our children are the first model of what relationships look like. We are building the foundation for the rest of their lives, so it is imperative we model a healthy one. Do we want our children to grow up and be the giver who has no limits or boundaries? Do we want them to view a taker who doesn’t contribute and always asks for more as a suitable relationship? Neither of these seem like the goal when it comes to our child’s future meaningful relationships. As parents we must show them that our giving isn’t endless and that it doesn’t come at the cost of oneself. Self-sacrifice can be good intermittently, but it is not sustainable long term in any relationship dynamic.

Taking Care Of Your Own Needs Allows You To Give More

                As parents there are constant pulls on us no matter where we are in the day. Pulls from work, school, the kids, your spouse, your family, the demands are never ending. If we aren’t carefully attuned to our own needs all these demands can quickly deplete our energy and resolve. We become irritable, easily frustrated, less patient, less compassionate, and unwilling to look outside of ourself and our own feelings. These emotional lows when we aren’t meeting our own needs are actually the times we parent the worst. It's kind of like when the flight attendants tell you “Please put your oxygen mask on before helping others.” The same is true for us parents. If we are pushing all our wants, thoughts, needs, and desires to the wayside to benefit our children we aren’t truly putting ourselves in a position to help them. A little maintenance or fuel into our sense of wellbeing allows us to maintain our parenting goals and be the parent we are striving to be.

Generosity is better than self-sacrifice

                The Giving Tree is the very emblem of self-sacrifice, and it also represents a common mentality of parenting. Our present generation is working so hard to ensure our children have the very best of everything, and ensure it is different from our childhood that we might be missing the mark and swinging too far the other way. Giving without abandon to every want and demand of the boy didn’t make the boy a better human, or truly help him achieve much. Rather it created a continuous cycle of selfishness where the boy had no shame in always asking for more and had no thought on it’s impact to anyone other than himself. Showing generosity towards our children is a parenting formula with a different outcome. It puts the focus on helping others to bring joy to yourself. There is a willingness to stop and serve, but also a healthy boundary that prioritizes your needs right along with theirs. It is an attitude that strives not just to give always, but also to help nurture that trait in others. It changes from trying to move heaven and earth for a single individual, to taking care of yourself so you can teach another how to be the change for good in the world so that flow of positivity can occur long after we have become a memory. Generosity would have been the tree sharing its apples, but also teaching the little boy to plant the seeds so he could take care of himself in the future, but also so others could benefit from it. It would have involved lessons of consideration and compassion towards others and that would have stuck with the boy long after the tree had no more to give. Generosity would have made a lasting difference and the world a better place. 

                Are you a generous parent or a self-sacrificing one? Do you take care of yourself so you can be the very best parent you can be? If not there is always room to grow! You’ve got this Warrior parents. 

  #RaiseAWarrior 

 

Creating Rules that Stick

             Being a parent is all about balance. We know our kids need rules so they don’t run amuk, but we also strive to feel like the fun, happy parent, rather than a drill sergeant. So how do we make sure our rules and boundaries are respected? How do we find the happy medium to where there aren’t too many rules and the rules we have actually stick and are followed the majority of the time? Read on for a game plan to help make it happen

Pick Your Battles

No one likes to be micromanaged and the same is true for our kids. If everything has a boundary or a rule it is easy for a child to feel confined and powerless. And powerless children are a force to be reckoned with. They are unhappy and will turn your home into WWIII during a power struggle to try and be seen and heard. Yes, it’s true our children need structure, but they also need some room to learn and grow. Rather than going full drill sergeant, try to think of your rules like bowling bumper rails. They are firm, they keep your child from going in the gutter, but there is still lots of room for your child to make decisions, have fun and be in control. They get to choose to shoot between their legs, backwards, or with one hand and they can still be relatively safe. Once those hard-set boundaries or “bumper” rules are in place you must be willing to follow through. So long as your child’s actions within the bumper lanes aren’t

1) Hurting themselves or others

2) Causing destruction or damage to property

And

3) Does not go against your family’s core values and expectations  

Then we must be willing to accept their choices within those lanes. If you find your bumper rails weren’t enough to prevent those 3 things from happening any re-evaluation of the boundary or rule needs to be clearly explained to the child.

Change How Your Bribe

It’s true sometimes even the best parent needs to bribe their kid every once in a while. But bribes shouldn’t be our default and they should never be for long term or routine tasks. For example you should not bribe your kid to come to every single martial arts class or to be patient while driving in the car. Those things are regular part of your day or weekly routine. Children need to learn to accept and expect certain things because life is full of ordinary day to day moments. There are, however, good times to bribe your child because at its basis a bribe is a form of reward. And everybody needs encouraging from time to time.

·         Make them earn it: Bribes and rewards are a good way of recognizing that hard work pays off. Use them to help your child establish goals and good work ethics. For example, having a bribe or reward for maintaining good grades every report card is a common way to help your child learn, as is celebrating the end of a successful sports season or entering into a new level of martial arts classes (i.e. Advanced Class!).

 

·         Use it to teach short vs long term rewards: In the beginning it is hard for our children to understand that sometimes rewards are long-term, and we won’t see any true changes in the meantime. I mean brushing your teeth for 2 minutes seems inconsequential, but that brief moment of time is a powerhouse in the long term. The same is true for working out. It takes months of hard work before we truly start to see the change our efforts have wrought. In these instances, bridging the gap and helping them set short term goals in the meantime can help your child be more likely to agree. If your child is obese and you want them to be healthier it is hard to get them to engage purely by focusing on the long-term rewards. You might have to supplement a little. In these moments share the long-term rewards and set manageable small goals with rewards to help you get there. For example, if we stick with the obese example above being able to do 25 pushups vs zero is a huge accomplishment and amount of growth. You might not be able to see the muscle development yet, but your child is being disciplined, burning calories, and making a change to their lifestyle. So, when that goal is achieved offer a short-term reward. Maybe it is a family day spent at the roller rink or a day swimming at Castaway cove (after all rewarding fitness goals with ice cream hardly makes sense).

Be ready for the transition phase

            Likely if you’ve been relying heavily on loose rules, bribes and rewards your new attempts at discipline and creating rules will not be met with excitement. This is a normal response to change and a perceived loss. When your child is feeling frustrated with this new normal use the ACT model. Act stands for

A-    Acknowledge their feelings

C - Communicate the boundary

T- Target other choices

In real life that would look like this. Say you are trying to lay some new boundaries on electronics use. No kid is going to love that, but the ACT model helps you put down the new “bumpers” while still helping your child feel heard and giving them some powerful choices and a bit of control. This would look something like this.

Acknowledge: “I know you’re frustrated that we are decreasing our screen time especially when videogames are fun.”

Communicate: “We decided as a family that decreasing our screen time and exploring our hobbies and likes was important.”

Target other choices: “Why don’t you use this time to go ride your bike, try that new skateboard trick you saw, or play board games with _______?”

            Your child will feel disappointed with the new changes early on, but eventually you will all adjust to these new bumper rails and be happier for it. You’ve got this Warrior parents!

 #RaiseAWarrior 

Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde - Why Your Kid Acts Different At Home

 

                Do you ever hear someone tell you something overly positive about your child and all you can think is “Are you sure you’re talking about my kid?” And how could the tiny gremlin we know at home be such a rockstar out in the world? This phenomenon also happens within our home. Maybe one parent or grandparent get the Dr. Jekyll version of your kid and the other one feels like they’re stuck with someone wholly different and not unlike the infamous Mr. Hyde. So today we’re looking at some of the good and bad of why our children save their least desirable behavior for you (aren’t we lucky) and ways we can take steps to improve it.

The Good

Being Home is Being Safe: Our kiddos hopefully see home as a safe space and know they have our unconditional love. This makes our children feel more comfortable expressing all of their feelings and behaviors that they might have to repress and control throughout the day.

•  Ways to improve this: Continue to nurture those feelings of safety and security. Let your children know they have your unconditional love but begin to teach them a couple boundaries and that this is a gift not to be abused. Our families can take a lot, but they don’t deserve our very worst and we should work to be constantly improving our family ties and not just using them as a punching bag at our whim.

The Not So Good

Home Lacks Structure: For our school aged children their days are full of a lot of structure and predictability (much like our own workdays which is why we often feel more collected and in control during those hours versus the ones when we are back at home in full parent mode). They don’t really have to be flexible or adaptive and they know what is required of them. At home can be a different story. Some days free time is an unscheduled free for all, but when a play date or guests are involved suddenly the expectation of their free time is now changed.

• Ways to improve this: Set the expectation from the start of the day by getting your family involved in your plans. When they wake up remind them what the plan is for the day and when you pick them up from whatever activities re-iterate the game plan and take some time to hear their expectations of the outing vs yours so you can be more on the same page and meet in the middle.

Family is Easier to Manipulate: The good thing is we know our family well. The bad things is also we know our family well. Our kiddos know exactly your triggers and what pushes your buttons. A part of learning and growing involves a fair amount of pushing boundaries and disobedience. This is worse so if there is a lack of accountability or un-equal relationship dynamic between parents, co-parents, grandparents, etc. Children like sharks can sense that sort of weakness and will pit you against each other for their benefit.

•  Ways to improve this: Do not undermine each other when your kids can see. If you feel one parent or family member is being too harsh or too lenient setup a code phrase like “I like your shoes” or “Can we talk about this privately first.” This buys you space and time to come to a plan you both agree on without your kid pushing buttons in the middle. Working through your individual parenting triggers, weaknesses, and strengths in a self-reflective manner also helps improve this personally and make it less easy for your child to get you riled up or push your buttons (whether they are doing that purposefully or not).

Discipline Is Inconsistent: Throughout your child’s structured day discipline and the escalation of consequences is based on a stepped interval and at expected moments. Your child knows what will happen when they break rule X, Y, or Z so that helps them pause and consider the consequences before acting out. The same cannot be said for in the home.

• Ways to improve this: Your discipline should be predictable, well explained, and have complete follow through by all parties involved. Think about how we handle it on the mat. All students know not only the punishment for any misbehavior, but the expectation of behavior set for them. It is an expectation we follow ourselves and they know that all the instructors will discipline the exact same way according to the action that occurs. It is predictable and they understand not just the reasoning behind it but every time they are counseled and must think for themselves where they went wrong and how it can be improved. There is never yelling, shaming, or criticizing. Discipline is used as a basis to improve and educate. It is done with compassion and good rapport. There are no weak links or inconsistencies. Fixing these recognizable weaknesses in your home discipline plan will go a long way towards improving this behavior pattern and your relationship as a whole.

    Hang in there Warrior parents. We know childhood is marathon event and not a sprint. Take moments to celebrate the good and plan to improve the not so good. And don’t forget - if you are struggling with particular issues at home we are here to help.

 #RaiseAWarrior 

 

 

How To Motivate Your Child

 

We’re getting closer to the middle of summer and there are two things we might notice around this time. It feels impossible to get our kids to do anything and we have lost all semblance of structure. This can be concerning as we look forward to the blessed but also dreaded transition back to school with all its routines and structure. This week we are diving into what truly motivates your child and how to make this work in your favor.

External vs Internal Motivators

                This isn’t a new concept by any means, but just in case we will briefly summarize. External motivators are things outside of you that encourage you to do the thing. This could include rules, rewards, consequences, praise, nagging, behavior charts, etc. And this “carrot and stick” approach may work for a time, but it doesn’t offer long term success. Intrinsic motivation on the other hand is doing something because you want to, and you enjoy it. Your child won’t always have that internal motivation, but you can help them internalize those behaviors and inspire them to more. Here’s how…

 

Stop trying to motivate them the traditional way

                All of your pushing often has the opposite effect you desire. I mean think about it. When someone is pushing and pressuring you to do something does it make you more inclined to do their bidding or do you want to dig your heels in? Your kids are the same way. It’s okay to recognize that they might not enjoy the activity or chore. We all are that way. Sometimes those things must be done and sometimes we just need to stop trying to push our dreams onto them.

Stop being controlling

                Being a controlling parent does not motivate our children. No amount of pressure or offered incentive can make an activity more enjoyable. Giving them a bit of autonomy and the freedom to take initiative might just be the thing they need. If martial arts is not their thing that is fine, BUT (and this is a big BUT as we see too many families fall into this trap) they have to be enrolled in one physically enriching activity. The choice shouldn’t be going to martial arts or staying home to play video games. A child is immature and will choose to play over work, growth, and development, almost every single time. I mean heck even we would do that if given the choice with no immediate consequences. That isn’t the choice you should offer but exploring their interests can be. Try giving your kiddos the reins a little bit and see where they want to go, within a confined boundary of course. They may try things and hate it, or try and fail, but falling is an inevitable part of learning to walk. And investing in the wrong activity for a few months won’t inevitably harm your child or their life’s trajectory.

Cultivate a growth mindset

                Our children are always learning from us. If we aren’t challenging ourselves or regularly looking for opportunities to grow why would our child? We must model the enjoyment of the journey and be lifelong learners. Learning new skills, constantly betting ourselves, mastering things we previously couldn’t dream of doing are good for us and good for our kids to see. Growing shouldn’t stop at any age so explore new interests and new subjects regularly as a family and as individuals. Help them understand that talent isn’t fixed, but malleable. Skills and mastery all depends on their willingness to practice and do the hard work.

Teach them to internalize the importance of tasks

                Some activities no matter how you look at it do not lend themselves well to enjoyment. Take chores for example. No matter how you look at it they aren’t something that necessarily spark joy (now if they do for you, please contact the front desk as my house could benefit from your joy), but they are important activities. Help your child grasp the meaning and worth of doing the things they don’t like. Hard work (no matter it’s form) is worthwhile. Practicing hard is a critical and necessary part of becoming good at anything. Chores are hardly anyone’s favorite thing, but they do give us a nice home and the space to lead the life we want to with each other. Work can be hard, but we know it has meaning. Help them internalize that lesson and they will be more willing to get on board with it and do what is needed. 

                The good thing about these lessons is they are great no matter the age of your family and worth revisiting. We could all use a bit of motivation and what better way to get that ball rolling than to work as a team with all the people you love the most. You’ve got this Warrior parents! We believe in you!

 #RaiseAWarrior 

Screen Time For Parents

                We live in a uniquely media saturated time. Everyone has a phone (or two), and we are always connected 24/7. This has led to a lot of good- like always having a camera or the ability to record a video and capture a memory forever at your fingertips; but it has also come with a price. Some of these costs we realize, like society normalizing the expectation that you be available at all times of the day, for work, for friends, and for your family. However, some of the costs aren’t as readily apparent. Since the reality is we won’t be dropping our phones anytime soon here are some things you should be conscious of while responding to the never-ending cycle of updates and messages that come throughout the day.

It impacts our parenting

                Every generation of parents has its own trials to overcome and this one is ours. We live in an era where continuous partial attention is the norm. Letting our phones interrupt us and pull our attention from what we are doing is practically instinctual now. In fact, go ahead and try it. When your phone goes off don’t look. Can you wait 10, 15, 30 minutes or more? I think you might find it interesting how hard pressed you are to delay looking at your device when it goes off. Our response has become habitual.

This lifestyle of continuous split attention doesn’t just harm us, but also our children. Parenting which has long been an emotional cued and responsive system is now disrupted. We are constantly present physically, but are we truly available and invested mentally and emotionally?

It makes us unhappier

                This lifestyle we have bought into has us stuck in the digital equivalent of an unending spin cycle. Our daily life is built around the premise that we are always on – always working, always parenting, always available to our spouses, our parents, and anyone else who might need us. And what a miserable premise that can be. That’s in addition to having the ability and expectation to always be remembering, staying on top of our household, the news, and what everyone else is doing. Walking to the car? Better order more toilet paper from Amazon. Gone are the moments of quite introspection. Had a thought? Your phone’s vibrating probably stole your attention away and it’s gone forever now. Not to mention the perfectionistic pressure of everyone’s supposed achievements, milestones, and happiness bombarding us 24/7. I mean what about all that truly makes us happier, more in the moment, and grateful?

It is an easy issue to ignore

                As parents we like to think we are always on and looking for ways to parent better. While this seems productive, we must be cautious that we aren’t projecting. For example, being middle aged and overweight myself, it is easier to obsess over my dog’s caloric intake and restrict her diet than heaven forbid address my own food regimen and habits. It’s a classic case of projection – or the psychologically defensive displacement of one’s failings onto another. Don’t we do the same thing when we are obsessive over our child’s screen time? It feels productive and good. After all we are helping them be better, right? Plus it’s much easier to focus on their habits than realizing our own might also be a problem spot that needs improving.

                Now this doesn’t mean we are condemning you for buying into our device focused culture they are pretty handy, and we aren’t ready to boycott them yet. We are merely seeking to awaken you to the realities and impacts you might not always be willing to recognize. Every action (or inaction) has a cause and effect. And we aren’t always in charge of that outcome. Merely our choices. You’ve got this Warrior parents! Every day is an opportunity to be better than the day before!

P.S. Stay tuned for more great lessons on parenting screen time and why it matters to you and your kiddos as we dive into this topic this month.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Healthy Habits During A Less Than Structured Summer

    I don’t know about you, but a slow weekend is the bane of my health goals. I am really good about meal prepping, lunch packing, and having a plethora of healthy snacks at the ready as I go about my work week. Like I am a goal crusher. And some weekend’s when we’re jam packed with activities, I can keep up that momentum and say no to fast food. I’ve found it’s the slow weekends that get me. The weekends of no plans where there is a surprising amount of free time. And in those moments, I find myself, and my family aimlessly taking multiple trips to the fridge and pantry.

                Now don’t get me wrong. Snacks aren’t inherently bad, and they are a great mini meal to bridge those gaps between meals and keep hunger and energy levels from dipping to low. However, maybe it’s just our household, but I feel snacks literally disappear into thin air. Because all that unsupervised snacking turns into a grazing mentality. And habitual grazing and snacking is not the kind of food habits we want or need to model for our children.  

Reality Check: What is Grazing?

                Grazing is what occurs when snacks are readily available upon demand. Grazing is a habit of constant snacking, and it can be more trouble than we realize. Because grazing doesn’t rely on us being intuitive to what our body needs. We don’t rely on the internal cues like hunger, fatigue, or irritability. Instead, our food intake becomes based on external cues like: habitual actions (think siting down to watch TV or game), it being readily available, it coming into our sight line, someone else snacking, walking through the kitchen, etc. It leads to eating on autopilot and without thought. And mindless actions are not often a positive thing.

Ways to Improve

1.       Identify your triggers: At what times of day do you find you or the members of your family unconsciously reaching for a treat? Do you reward yourself for doing a minor inconvenience? Do you habitually make a stop on the way home from school? Do certain times or activities of your day always involve food? Can you watch TV or scroll through TikTok without a snack? Identifying the times that you mindlessly begin snacking helps you set a better example and then enables you to tackle your families’ habits on a broader scale.

2.       Create a predictable schedule: If you think about it we all tend to get hungry or need a snack at very specific times. These moments are typically the mid or lull points of our day. Use that predictability to your advantage and become more rigid about the timing of your meals and snacks. This predictability will create a habitual rhythm of eating that will help even on the less structured weekend days where we don’t have standard things breaking up our day. Make your meals and snacks that constant standard thing.

3.       Give a heads up when things are outside the norm: You know when dinner will be late or if you have evening plans. Get the whole family on board accordingly and work together. If you normally have dinner at 6pm but won’t until 7pm today let everyone know and remind them they might want a bigger after school snack to tide them over. Managed expectations help keep the majority of the grumbles at bay no matter your age (don’t believe us? Try it with your partner).

4.       The Open/Closed Kitchen Mindset: One of the things that makes grazing so easy is the food readily being available and without any structure or consequence. So consider treating your kitchen like a restaurant that only operates within certain hours. Using a phrase like “the kitchen is closed” is an easy phrase and mindset that helps your whole family make healthier choices about eating and snacking. Start by thinking about your most common habitual snack and mealtimes. These are good and natural times for the kitchen to be open. Be present during this time. Work through making good choices together. Then after a certain amount of time “close the kitchen.” This let’s your family know the kitchen is a off limit’s space right now. At first you might think this a bit harsh but in reality, it is merely a boundary and if presented by ensuring your family the next timing of a meal or snack they will be reassured that this isn’t an end of the world ordeal. That doesn’t mean your family will love the idea but the accountability and habits it helps build are much more productive towards a healthy and wholesome lifestyle and relationship with food.   

5.       Allow reasonable choice: This requires a special sort of balance. Giving your child a voice in food preference and amounts gets them involved and interested in trying new things, but too much choice leads to a spoiled and picky eater. A good rule of thumb to help your is to offer two or three choices within the same category. For example: giving your child the choice of starch (like beans, sweet potato, or corn) for a side with dinner or offering a fruit smoothie or apple with peanut butter for a snack is a far better game plan than the open-ended black hole battleground of “what would you like to eat?” After all, when we are given the same choice our first instinct isn’t necessarily a healthy one.

    Now it’s time to plan and invoke some more intentional parenting! We hope these food boundaries help you and your family be healthier now and help your child grow up with a health relationship with food. You’ve got this Warrior parents!

#RaiseAWarrior 

Parenting and the 3 Pillars of Trust

                 I was reading an article from Harvard Business about managing people the other day and it got us thinking about parenting. What is parenting but an exercise in managing people? Albeit sometimes tiny illogical, and unreasonably emotional people, but our children are people none the less. Growing people who need guidance from a good leader. The kind of leader who doesn’t only show them the way forward but helps them understand the why. Because the why is empowering and it will allow your child to act similarly in the future when you aren’t there to guide them. So, if we look at parenting, like leadership, from a business or partnership model what is the currency that gives them worth or credit? The answer is trust.

Trust is the most essential form of capital that any good leader has and the same is true of parents. Our children trusting us is crucial to us being able to help shape them into being the best version of themselves. And trust is hard earned and easily lost. So today we’re going to break down trust into 3 core drivers. By simplifying this process, it will help us identify our strengths, identify our weaknesses, and improve from there. So, let’s look at the pillars of the trust triangle and what that looks like as a parent.

Logic: 

I know your reasoning and judgement are sound

                In the beginning our children have no choice but to trust our judgement, but as they grow this becomes less and less so which culminates in the wonderful pre-teen and teen “know it all years.” We shore up our child’s present and future trust in our logic by being consistent. You must trust your judgement and you must demonstrate that and a willingness to follow through. This wobble most often becomes evident in our household rules and disciplinary measures (or lack thereof). If you feel your relationship with your child is wobbling in this area, take a good look at how you make decisions, follow through with them, and meet out consequences. If they are haphazard your logic will also seem so. This is a pivotal area because we need our children to trust in our reasoning and judgement, so they are willing to come to us with life’s hard stuff. This won’t happen if you yell at them over chores not being done one day and then ground them for 3 weeks the next. This also doesn’t happen if you then reverse your 3-week grounding after 2-4 days because you realize it is more inconvenient for you and the family. And when you feel their trust wobbling in this area remember it is okay to acknowledge you don’t have all the right answers and be willing to apologize when you’ve done wrong. We’re human after all and our children are learning too.

Authenticity: 

I know and experience the real you

                We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it 10,000 more times. Your kids are watching and learning from you even when it seems like they aren’t. If they see you being one person in public and one person in private, you have an authenticity wobble and that will lead to its own realm of trust problems. Of course, we all give the people in the world different levels of ourselves. That is natural and normal even. What isn’t normal is when I am outside the home projecting that I am kind, patient, understanding, and the most even-tempered person in the world, but that within the “safety” of my home I am a ball of yelling, frustration, and quick to anger. Our children need to know you. The real you. They deserve to see and know and learn from that best version of you. They have to know that if we want to know the real person are child is in return.

Empathy: 

I know you care about me and my success

                It seems like this one should be an easy one. Of course, our children should know we think and care about them and their success. However, today’s modern workplace and lifestyle is increasingly distracting us and pulling at our attention almost 24/7. Looking at your past week I am sure you can see rampant examples of this. How often do we ask our child to hold on a moment while we finish on our phone, that we divide our attention and multi-task, or that we abruptly had to change plans because of work? Those buzzing devices are ever present in ours (and by proxy our family’s life) and they make multi-tasking all too easy. Your child recognizes and feels that split attention over time. If we don’t make conscious efforts to disconnect and assert our family’s importance you might be on track to an empathy wobble. This one is typically tricky for the parents who are naturally more analytic, and results or achievement driven. So, if you think your trust might be in danger of an empathy wobble step back and recert your child’s importance. Sometimes it is necessary to put the phone aside and be fully engaged. The costs if we do not are incomparable.

                We know that looking at these 3 pillars of trust can be hard. Any foray into self-awareness usually is, but if you have the resources look at your other close relationships. Which area do you wobble with them? Odds are the things you struggle with will be across most of your relationships. You’ve got this Warrior parents. Every day you try to be better than the day before is a good day in parenting.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Guilt Tripping: The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

“I work so hard for us, why can’t you get up and help around some.”

“I really thought you were more mature than that.”

“You make me disappointed and sad when you do that. Do you really want to hurt my feelings.”

“Come on! I taught you better than that.”

“I expected more from you.”

 

Sound familiar?

    Often as parents we use guilt trips to jump start our kids or spur them into action. And we get what we want. There may be some groaning, eye rolls, or even tears, but we usually get some kind of action. The question is at what cost? I mean every parent does it from time to time after all so how could it truly be. However, anytime we consistently use anything to obtain compliance there are always messages learned. There can be no cause without an effect. And whether you can see beyond this parenting instance or not is of little matter in the long run. We can’t give into knee jerk parenting. So today we’ll be looking at what kind of message guilt tripping sends our children (and even our spouse) and ways we can stop this cycle and improve from here on out.

Consider this comment…

“When you do (blank) it makes me really sad and disappointed. Do you really want to hurt my feelings?” At one point we’ve all said something similar. And why? We are intending to pull empathy from our child. We want them to consider another’s feelings and in turn, elicit a guilty feeling in them that will hopefully change behavior. But what messages does this statement really send when used repeatedly?

 

#1) It teaches your child they are responsible for your feelings (fun fact they are not)

#2) It teaches your child that you care more about your own feelings than theirs (this is literally us modeling the opposite of empathy)

 

Now when we look at it this way we can see that guilt tripping definitely doesn’t have the effect we once hoped. So where do we go from here? Here’s a quick action plan for ways to break free of this habit and get what you want from your child in a better way.

 

Find the why: 

    What makes you resort to guilt tripping. Often it is in those moments where we feel embarrassed by our child or that their action reflects poorly on us as parents. We can own that feeling of embarrassment. We have power over that. However, our child’s behavior and decisions ultimately are their responsibility after a certain age. We are the bumpers that guide them, but we cannot own everything they do.

 

Find a healthier way to communicate: 

    Guilt tripping stems from us wanting a certain behavior to occur. But there are helpful and unhelpful ways to share that. Focus on describing the behavior, how it affects others, and talk about positive alternatives that you’re willing to try. Here’s what that looks like in action.

 Instead of this...

“I did (blank) for you, you can’t even do (blank) for me?”

Try this...

“I see you have a lot of responsibilities. I know that is hard to juggle. Maybe we can brainstorm a way to help make it happen better.”

 

Instead of family night going like this…

“You don’t want to do this with us? That makes me feel like you don’t love us.”

Try this...

“I know you might not want to join us right now, but family time is important. Would you like to help me pick the next activity?”

                We know that old habits die hard, but life is meant to be a journey of growth so don’t be afraid to break outside your norm on this parenting journey. Just keep striving to develop yourself in a positive manner. You’ve got this Warrior parents!

#RaiseAWarrior