A Secret For Managing Stress and Anxiety

     Managing our emotions and stress is one of those skills that makes us successful in school, in our careers, and in our relationships. And unfortunately it is a skill that some people never manage. As parent's we want to be the spring board of our child's success so there are some skills we have to ensure they master. In previous blogs we have used this 5 step model for managing those big emotions when they start to spiral out of control. And while the steps pictured here is an excellent framework for self regulation when we're feeling frustrated or angry it doesn't cover the rest of those big emotions, like stress, anxiety, and worry.

     We all know that worry, stress, anxiety, and such are natural. It is our brain trying to do the impossible in a difficult situation. And let's be honest - this pandemic has been a difficult situation. Stress and worry is our natural attempt to control and make sense of the uncontrollable. And while we are more capable of filtering those emotions more effectively it is going to take some focus to teach our children to manage these feelings in a positive and productive manner. So first we'll address managing our own anxiety and then move onto the kiddos:

Ways to Manage Anxiety and Stress:

Stop and drop: We like this step because it's easy to remember and if it works to stop fires it can also work to stop our emotions from spiraling out of control. When you feel anxiety and stress rising stop what you're doing. Just drop it and take a moment to breathe. Drop the agenda, drop your expectations and take a moment. This keeps your emotions from hijacking you and from things getting out of hand.

Be here now: Look around. Notice three things in your present moment. Things that pull you to the present and your current situation. Notice your feelings and emotional state. Take a moment to name and acknowledge those feelings, but don't act on them yet.

Interrupt the drama: Is your response excessive given the current situation. You can easily recognize when your emotions are spilling over, but a child will need your help. Acknowledge their emotions. But do not validate or respond to an excessive emotional response. Disappointment that electronics time is over is understandable. A child throwing themselves on the floor or screaming they hate you - not so much.

Try a do-over: Sometimes when we're triggered all we need to do is acknowledge it and re-group. And sometimes when things are a little more intense or we took out our emotions on another person we need an entire change of pace to reconnect. So whether this means you acknowledge frustrations during school work at home and switch subjects, or whether you both entirely need to step away and do something fun for awhile. Do-overs are a great way to validate emotions and hurt feelings, and then reconnect.

So here's how this works for you:

     Facts: Most of us are not teachers. Also facts: Most of us are unprepared to home school or help our children with school at home. Present reality: Doing school work at home can be distracting and you and your child are going to butt heads. Emotional spiral: What if they aren't smart enough? What if I am not smart enough? What if I cause lasting damage and they fail next year? I don't have the patience for this? Is there something wrong with my child? This should be easy.... 

STOP AND DROP:

     Stop what you're doing. Just stop trying to teach and if you've been pushed too far stop interacting with your child entirely. Take a break. Drop your agenda of trying to teach and accomplish the assigned goals. 

BE HERE AND NOW:

     Look for things that bring you to the present. Your child's face. Your breathing. The sounds around your home. Anchor yourself in this moment. If you feel the need to lash out or act on your emotions remove yourself from the situation. Time outs for us are sometimes good too.

INTERRUPT THE DRAMA:

     Are your worries well founded? We are guilty of overreacting too. So find the worries that are completely ludicrous and get rid of them. This is not an impossible task. You can and will be able to do this until the school year is over. Re-phrase your thoughts in a more productive manner. Acknowledge this is in fact hard, but we're all in this together and you are not alone. If you still don't quite believe it reach out to those resources and prove it so. Touch base with the teacher, another parent, in the same situation, etc. Sometimes we need help laying those emotional thoughts to rest and that's okay.

TRY A DO-OVER: 

     Once you're more in control you are better able to reconnect with your child. So if you took out these fears and insecurities on your child take time to apologize and move forward together. If you both need more time to move past this put off the task you were trying to accomplish. School work is not the end of the world right now. It's important, but it can wait. Working through these feelings and stresses together you are teaching your child self-control, connection, stress management, and how to take care of loved ones when things get tense. Those are priceless lessons that can't wait. And they're good for the whole family, no matter our age. So take some time to use and teach these steps. It will make this topsy turvy time that much easier.

#RaiseAWarrior