Teaching Your Child To Choose Good Friends

      Friendships are an integral part of life for many of us. And whether those relationships have lasted a decade or are just newly begun we know that having friends takes a lot of work. For along with all of that fun, laughter, support, and memory making also comes the occasional conflict, hurt feelings, anger or sadness. Knowing the importance of relationships in our lives, it's important that we give our children the tools to find good friends, and become good friends themselves. Here's some good ways to start.

Start with Self Esteem

      The first step in teaching our children to be good friends is to teach them to be good to themselves. A child who is confident and comfortable with their own self worth is less like to fall into toxic relationships, to join in on bullying and to seek others to fill an emotional void within. So praise their handwork and successes. Take the time to highlight their best attributes regularly. By teaching them to be good to themselves you are also setting them up to be a great friend to others.

Model Good Friendships

      Our children are learning from us even when we feel like they aren't really paying attention. And the way we treat our peers sets the framework for how they will treat their friends. So take the time to check in, surround yourself with positive people, and invest time and energy into nurturing those meaningful friendships. They're likely to do the same.

Define A Good Friend

      There are many characteristics that make a good friend. Many of these like honesty, kindness, being a good listener are things we regularly teach our child at home. Keep up those strong character building lessons helps ensure they not only take those qualities into their interactions with the rest of the world but that they are also seeking them out. An easy way to check in is to ask your child how being around a certain friend made them feel. Do they feel built up, happy, supported and energized? Or does being around a certain person only tear them down. These questions can help your child discern whether the person they want to hang out with is a wise or poor choice. And this is such an important lesson since they will continue to choose their friends regardless of our input especially as they get older.

Exploring Common Interests

     In the beginning shared time or interest is what starts to bind budding friendships together. Maybe they're in the same class, play on the same street, are in martial arts class together, or are simply the same age. These seemingly mundane beginnings can be nurtured into the kind of friendships that keeps them joined at the hip. So help your child explore their interests and try new things. These new experiences and having things in common that they enjoy doing together can help foster many young friendships.

Appreciating the Differences

     Of course friends don't have to be alike to be successful. Every individual has special qualities they bring to the relationship. So teach your child to recognize others' unique gifts and celebrate each others differences. Point out to your child what admirable traits you notice about their friends. It will help them value and seek out those qualities in others. Plus friends who are different bring many opportunities to learn, grow and try new things. 

Teach Conflict Resolution

     Friends don't always agree or get along with each other perfectly. In order for them to be successful we have to teach our children to manage those little conflicts. Because helping our children learn how to accept responsibility for their actions, apologize and move forward are essential skills to all future relationships they will have. 

(FOR OLDER KIDS) Look at Quantity vs Quality

      As our children get older and begin to navigate the social circles of middle and high school their view of friendship can start to shift. The "in" thing becomes more about popularity than creating deep and meaningful bonds. So help your child understand the difference in quantity vs quality of friends. And encourage them to seek out the latter because it is much more valuable and worthwhile friend to have.

     Bottom line is we cannot choose our child's friends for them their whole life. I mean you can try, but that historically never goes well. So whether you like your child's friends or are concerned about them focus on being a positive influence. And remember you can start instilling this friendship framework and mentality no matter where you are in your journey. So open a dialogue with your child on what makes a good friend. Check in with them on how they feel after spending time with someone. And always embody the values you want your child to seek out. Just by your family living your life and having their friends over (even if they aren't your favorite) you can be an influence for good.

#RaiseAWarrior 

 

A Warrior Parent's Guide to Handling Bullies

    

     When we sit down with our parents and students who struggle with bullies we realize that some important pillars of self defense are unknown or often overlooked by the well meaning adults in a child's life. We see courtesy and respect reports regularly that state "he won't hit back", or "she's afraid to defend herself." We do not want hitting to be your child's first response to bullying. We do not teach that. Unless someone is physically attacking you, most bullying situations can be resolved through these steps below. It takes a lot more courage to try these overlooked pillars of self defense than it does to get into a school yard scuffle. It also allows your Warrior to stand up for other bullied children without resorting to physical offense and the repercussions of the school system's zero tolerance stance that is guaranteed to follow. We've seen these steps do a lot of good in countless lives and we hope that by sharing this it will help all our Warrior families prevent bullying and handle it more effectively should they encounter it.

Be Assertive

     Bullies seek out an easy target they can intimidate. They are counting on the victim to say or do nothing about the bullying. Shutting down a bully can be as simple as telling them to "Stop!" or that you 'will tell an adult.' This cannot be done in a meek or timid voice. It cannot sound like a plea. The bully wants their victim to sound scared or beg. They want that power. So the first pillar of self defense is to 

(1) BE ASSERTIVE AND DON'T GIVE THE BULLY THE POWER THEY WANT

When a warrior speaks with confidence and the bully understands your child means business and will not easily be cowed, often that is enough. Why try and get a rise from a little warrior when there are easier children to pick on? So practice assertive and confident language. Utilize it in your home every chance you get. It is a skill who's benefits extend far beyond grade school self defense. 

Verbally De-escalate 

     Many bullies attack very real flaws that we are already aware of. We know if we are slow, fat, dumb, have pimples, if our Momma is fat, or if our parent's are getting a divorce. We know it. This isn't the first time we've heard or thought these things. The bully is trying to get an emotional response out of us so they feel powerful and in control. So the next pillar of self defense is to verbally de-escalate a bullying situation by

(2) MAKING A JOKE OR AGREEING WITH THE BULLY

For some of the funnier class clown types this response to bullying comes natural. But whether this comes naturally or is a little force it demonstrates a lot of confidence. You have to be confident and very secure in yourself to not be bothered when someone points out a flaw or weakness. You have to be a warrior and more in control of yourself and your emotions so you don't give into the easier knee jerk emotional response to a hurtful truth. When you can laugh or agree with a bully, it diffuses the power they thought they had. It can catch them off guard and makes their methods ineffective. 

Walk Away

     Bullies win when they gain a response from their victims or when they have an audience who makes them feel powerful. We all know how awful it is to be ignored or experience a cold shoulder. So our third self defense pillar is to 

(3) WALK AWAY WITH YOUR HEAD HELD HIGH

We need our kids to understand that walking away from pointless confrontation isn't cowardly, it's mature. A Warrior fights for things that are right and worth his (or her's) time. They do not stoop to the bully's level. So ignore them and proudly walk away. There is nothing that says you have to stay and listen to their garbage. And with no one to listen to them, or make them feel powerful a bully can quickly move on to other targets.

Use Physical Self Defense
     When all alternatives to physical confrontation have been exhausted, or if you are being physically harmed then it is important that a Little Warrior knows to trust and use their training. Sometimes you just can't avoid a fight. 

(4) YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO DEFEND YOURSELF AND STAND UP FOR WHAT IS RIGHT 

You can and should defend yourself physically if you are being attacked physically. But it is also important that your Warrior has a realistic expectation about the consequences that will follow. If your Warrior uses self defense, even if it is justified, there is a high probability that they will punished along with the bully. This is because of school's stand on bullying and fighting. It is very hard to prove to an outsider who the aggressor is when it comes to a school yard brawl. So be prepared for the 

                                              likelihood of some scholastic repercussions.

     Bottom line is that as parents we pray our little one is never faced with bullying or having to utilize their self defense skill. However, it never hurts to be prepared. Having an anti-bullying action plan in place before such a thing occurs goes a long way towards preventing it from becoming prolonged or going too far. 

#RaiseAWarrior

Helping Your Child Succeed During The School Year & Beyond

 

            Another school year has begun and while grades are a concern for future us we know how important it is for our children to do well academically. While bad grades aren’t necessarily a determinate of how your child’s future will shape out it does denote a certain lack of prioritizing, time management, self-discipline, dedication, and hard work. All of which are life changing skills that if mastered help your growing child be successful. This week we wanted to talk about positive ways you can help your child motivate themselves to do better in school rather than trying to force it.

Introducing the "When you" rule

            Sometimes we don’t have the necessary discipline to be self-starters, the same is true for our children especially when it comes to homework. The “when you” rule can help build that skill and it’s the sort of real-world consequences our child needs to recognize. For example for us the rule is when we work we get paid. Our actions in the beginning lead to positive consequences later. So how does that work in your home? Start saying things like “When your homework is completed, we can discuss you going to that sleep over” or “When you finish studying you are welcome to play video games, outside, with your friend, etc.” Then stick to your guns and do what you said. No video games until homework. No talking of birthday parties, ice cream, or sleep overs until that assignment is done. Your child must learn to delay gratification and do their work before they get to play and this is a great tip to help them do just that.

Create structure

            Your child’s homework and bad grades are not your responsibility after a certain age. It is their job, but you can help structure their day to help them succeed. This requires a little acknowledgement that each of our children are different. Some kids need a little down time to decompress before they focus again, for some that de-rails them and they will never be able to get back into work mode. Use who your child is help them create an After School schedule and routines. Do they need a snack first? Can they do it in a centralized area or is that too distracting? Does doing homework on their bed lead to a nap or endless scrolling? Do they need device free periods set aside to succeed? I mean if schools have no device times so can your home. Work with your child to find what works best for them within the bounds of what you can handle to enforce.

Break assignments into manageable pieces

            I am a pro-procrastinator unless I immediately break big projects into smaller pieces with little deadlines. That took a lot of trial and error to learn. Sometimes our kids take charge and can tackle big assignments with little aid but sometimes this isn’t a skill that comes naturally and they might need some help turning weaker traits of their personality into strengths. When they get new assignments talk to them about it. Communicate and see if your child feels they need help breaking an assignment into smaller pieces or if they want to try and manage it themselves. Then let it be. Once you decide on a plan see it through for better or worse. You are there to teach them not micromanage everything they do. Good grades aren’t truly their success if you had to plead and fight them every step of the way. Introduce them to various tools to help with this and discover what methods mesh with them and which ones do not for example I am a pen to paper always kind of person. Digital is good for reminders of things out of the norm like doctor’s appointment, but I do much better if everything else involves me writing it down and making a plan or lists of what I need to accomplish.

Don't over function for your child

            It is nerve wracking and frustrating to see your child struggle, not take something seriously and not fulfill their potential. You may feel pressure that your child’s lack of good grades reflects poorly on you as a parent. In response we go into overdrive to cope with our feelings of shame, embarrassment, and failure. Resist the temptation. Your anxiety and over functioning projected on your child doesn’t help them or you function better. In fact, it often causes things to go downhill even faster. Give your child a framework or model of successful structure and then let them do the work. They must bear the consequences, good or bad, to grow. You are a coach in the sidelines. You give direction and set the strategy, but you cannot make the play yourself. Failure is a natural part of growing up and learning. ‘Protecting’ your child from failure isn’t for their benefit, but rather our own feelings and insecurities.

Final thoughts don't obsess over the future

                It is easy for our fears and concerns about our child’s education to fast forward to the future. I don’t know about you, but my crystal ball isn’t working so I choose to ignore it and not play the what if game. Hyper focusing on the negative things your child is doing is tricky because it can cause us to lose sight of the positives and sets us both up for a long and difficult journey. One bad grade isn’t an indicator of your child’s entire future. If there are several it might be time to check in with them and their teacher as well as yourself and where your family is at. Often grades reflect what stressors are going on in life. We will all have our share of highs and lows. Being a good human isn’t academics or success so keep the big picture in mind. Is your child helpful, kind, hardworking, teachable? Those traits can propel them through the natural highs and lows of academics and life. Those traits are more important than a single B or not being Valedictorian. I literally failed college tennis, but it wasn’t a stumbling block for me just a blip. Breathe Warrior parents. You’ve got this and so does your growing Warrior.

 #RaiseAWarrior 

The Giving Tree: A Lesson for Parents

 

                Do you ever revisit a part of your youth and find it too not be the same? We recently encountered that while reading “The Giving Tree” by Shel Silverstein. Who remembers this fondly as a heartwarming story? If you read it again you might be surprised about how dark it gets. At it’s core this is a story about a little boy who takes, and takes, and takes and a tree who gives and gives until there is nothing left. At first glance the tree’s acts of sacrifice seem noble, but we can also see that it leads to a very spoiled child who takes selfishly without consideration of the cost. There are several lessons for parents in this tale

It's Not Okay To Give For Another Until It Hurts

                As parents we love our children unconditionally. No matter what they do, they will always be ours and we will always want what’s best for them. What’s best for them, however, should not come above all else. Our relationship dynamic with our children are the first model of what relationships look like. We are building the foundation for the rest of their lives, so it is imperative we model a healthy one. Do we want our children to grow up and be the giver who has no limits or boundaries? Do we want them to view a taker who doesn’t contribute and always asks for more as a suitable relationship? Neither of these seem like the goal when it comes to our child’s future meaningful relationships. As parents we must show them that our giving isn’t endless and that it doesn’t come at the cost of oneself. Self-sacrifice can be good intermittently, but it is not sustainable long term in any relationship dynamic.

Taking Care Of Your Own Needs Allows You To Give More

                As parents there are constant pulls on us no matter where we are in the day. Pulls from work, school, the kids, your spouse, your family, the demands are never ending. If we aren’t carefully attuned to our own needs all these demands can quickly deplete our energy and resolve. We become irritable, easily frustrated, less patient, less compassionate, and unwilling to look outside of ourself and our own feelings. These emotional lows when we aren’t meeting our own needs are actually the times we parent the worst. It's kind of like when the flight attendants tell you “Please put your oxygen mask on before helping others.” The same is true for us parents. If we are pushing all our wants, thoughts, needs, and desires to the wayside to benefit our children we aren’t truly putting ourselves in a position to help them. A little maintenance or fuel into our sense of wellbeing allows us to maintain our parenting goals and be the parent we are striving to be.

Generosity is better than self-sacrifice

                The Giving Tree is the very emblem of self-sacrifice, and it also represents a common mentality of parenting. Our present generation is working so hard to ensure our children have the very best of everything, and ensure it is different from our childhood that we might be missing the mark and swinging too far the other way. Giving without abandon to every want and demand of the boy didn’t make the boy a better human, or truly help him achieve much. Rather it created a continuous cycle of selfishness where the boy had no shame in always asking for more and had no thought on it’s impact to anyone other than himself. Showing generosity towards our children is a parenting formula with a different outcome. It puts the focus on helping others to bring joy to yourself. There is a willingness to stop and serve, but also a healthy boundary that prioritizes your needs right along with theirs. It is an attitude that strives not just to give always, but also to help nurture that trait in others. It changes from trying to move heaven and earth for a single individual, to taking care of yourself so you can teach another how to be the change for good in the world so that flow of positivity can occur long after we have become a memory. Generosity would have been the tree sharing its apples, but also teaching the little boy to plant the seeds so he could take care of himself in the future, but also so others could benefit from it. It would have involved lessons of consideration and compassion towards others and that would have stuck with the boy long after the tree had no more to give. Generosity would have made a lasting difference and the world a better place. 

                Are you a generous parent or a self-sacrificing one? Do you take care of yourself so you can be the very best parent you can be? If not there is always room to grow! You’ve got this Warrior parents. 

  #RaiseAWarrior 

 

Parenting And Your Child’s Temperament

 

                Our goal is to help make parenting easier. Note the word choice there; easier and not easy. Parenting is, and always will be a difficult task. This is because no one parenting style or method fit’s every family’s individual needs. This happens because every family is different, and each member of the family is a unique individual who responds to the world differently. We all naturally are born with character traits or a temperament of sorts. This isn’t new knowledge. However, when we view this from a parenting lens we see that perhaps there is room to grow. Perhaps we should take into consideration the different temperaments in our home. Does one child need something that the other doesn’t? Is it within our power to meet those individual temperaments as well as their unique strengths and weaknesses? Should we meet them? Read on below to start deciding for yourself-

Reactive Temperaments

Reactivity revolves around how our child responds to things in the world around them. These children have big emotions and they need help learning to work through them.

The reactive child can be a lot of fun and energetic so long as thing are going well. They are loud, physically active, and keep you on your toes. But when things start to go wrong all that reactivity tends to show in some negative ways. If your child is a spit-fire they need help expressing their emotions appropriately (especially when it comes to anger or frustration), as well as finding positive routes to get out all of that energy. This child will need help establishing some routines to help them wind down or transition from moment to moment.

The less reactive child however is a total sweetheart. They are gentle natured, kind, easy to get along with and everyone loves them. Their weakness is they aren’t always assertive, can be extremely sensitive, and need help learning how to stand up for themselves. These kids tend to have a lower or laid-back energy level and might need some encouragement to help build healthy habits when it comes to movement and physical activity.

Regulated Temperaments

How we control our behavior and show our feelings is something that we naturally also have a predilection too. No matter the temperament, however, we can always help our child cope with their natural strengths and weaknesses as well as improve upon them.

The self-regulated child kind of has things together. They are not overly impulsive; they can manage their emotions longer in all kinds of emotions and are capable of working through those emotions positively in a quicker manner. These kids are naturally great at coping with setbacks and knocking out goals. This child can become a bit of a perfectionist, however, so it’s important to let them know mistakes are okay and used as a learning point.

The un-regulated child is quite the opposite. Their attention, focus, and emotions are all over the place, sometimes in a positive manner and sometimes not. This child can easily switch from one activity to the next, but will need to be equipped with resources to help them focus and follow through so they can learn how to achieve those longer, and more difficult tasks.

Sociable Temperaments

This concept is more familiar to most of us. We all know introverts and we all know extroverts. How we respond to others is something that is innately a part of our character. Both have strengths, but also weaknesses and parents can help their child by uniquely meeting their needs and helping them grow through and adapt to their initial nature.

The Social Child – These kids can feel easy sometimes. Take them anywhere and they will talk up a storm and make at least 3 new friends. They handle things on the fly with a smile and a mostly good attitude. The downside is these children often struggle to occupy themselves and demand a lot of attention. These kids crave that one on one time with you, but also need to learn to be happy spending time with themselves.

The Introvert – This kid is awesome at playing by themselves quietly. It feels like a blessing in the early stages as it opens up more time for yourself. It can become a hardship, however, if your child doesn’t learn how to make friends or be comfortable in groups. This child struggles with being adaptable and craves a routine. Routines are great learning tools, but your child will find life hard without some coping strategies to help them be more adaptable.

Looking at this list your probably see your child in one of each of these categories. Take a moment to compare their natural state to your own. When you sync up it is easier to understand their needs, concerns, fears, etc. which in fact makes it easier to parent. It is when you guys don’t have similar temperaments that it can be harder to parent and meet your child’s needs. Not just the needs of their temperament, but also their growth needs so that their temperament does not hold them back. It will be a learning curve for everyone involved (especially if your temperaments don’t sync up), but we know it can make your parenting and home life better. You’ve got this Warriors!

 #RaiseAWarrior 

Creating Rules that Stick

             Being a parent is all about balance. We know our kids need rules so they don’t run amuk, but we also strive to feel like the fun, happy parent, rather than a drill sergeant. So how do we make sure our rules and boundaries are respected? How do we find the happy medium to where there aren’t too many rules and the rules we have actually stick and are followed the majority of the time? Read on for a game plan to help make it happen

Pick Your Battles

No one likes to be micromanaged and the same is true for our kids. If everything has a boundary or a rule it is easy for a child to feel confined and powerless. And powerless children are a force to be reckoned with. They are unhappy and will turn your home into WWIII during a power struggle to try and be seen and heard. Yes, it’s true our children need structure, but they also need some room to learn and grow. Rather than going full drill sergeant, try to think of your rules like bowling bumper rails. They are firm, they keep your child from going in the gutter, but there is still lots of room for your child to make decisions, have fun and be in control. They get to choose to shoot between their legs, backwards, or with one hand and they can still be relatively safe. Once those hard-set boundaries or “bumper” rules are in place you must be willing to follow through. So long as your child’s actions within the bumper lanes aren’t

1) Hurting themselves or others

2) Causing destruction or damage to property

And

3) Does not go against your family’s core values and expectations  

Then we must be willing to accept their choices within those lanes. If you find your bumper rails weren’t enough to prevent those 3 things from happening any re-evaluation of the boundary or rule needs to be clearly explained to the child.

Change How Your Bribe

It’s true sometimes even the best parent needs to bribe their kid every once in a while. But bribes shouldn’t be our default and they should never be for long term or routine tasks. For example you should not bribe your kid to come to every single martial arts class or to be patient while driving in the car. Those things are regular part of your day or weekly routine. Children need to learn to accept and expect certain things because life is full of ordinary day to day moments. There are, however, good times to bribe your child because at its basis a bribe is a form of reward. And everybody needs encouraging from time to time.

·         Make them earn it: Bribes and rewards are a good way of recognizing that hard work pays off. Use them to help your child establish goals and good work ethics. For example, having a bribe or reward for maintaining good grades every report card is a common way to help your child learn, as is celebrating the end of a successful sports season or entering into a new level of martial arts classes (i.e. Advanced Class!).

 

·         Use it to teach short vs long term rewards: In the beginning it is hard for our children to understand that sometimes rewards are long-term, and we won’t see any true changes in the meantime. I mean brushing your teeth for 2 minutes seems inconsequential, but that brief moment of time is a powerhouse in the long term. The same is true for working out. It takes months of hard work before we truly start to see the change our efforts have wrought. In these instances, bridging the gap and helping them set short term goals in the meantime can help your child be more likely to agree. If your child is obese and you want them to be healthier it is hard to get them to engage purely by focusing on the long-term rewards. You might have to supplement a little. In these moments share the long-term rewards and set manageable small goals with rewards to help you get there. For example, if we stick with the obese example above being able to do 25 pushups vs zero is a huge accomplishment and amount of growth. You might not be able to see the muscle development yet, but your child is being disciplined, burning calories, and making a change to their lifestyle. So, when that goal is achieved offer a short-term reward. Maybe it is a family day spent at the roller rink or a day swimming at Castaway cove (after all rewarding fitness goals with ice cream hardly makes sense).

Be ready for the transition phase

            Likely if you’ve been relying heavily on loose rules, bribes and rewards your new attempts at discipline and creating rules will not be met with excitement. This is a normal response to change and a perceived loss. When your child is feeling frustrated with this new normal use the ACT model. Act stands for

A-    Acknowledge their feelings

C - Communicate the boundary

T- Target other choices

In real life that would look like this. Say you are trying to lay some new boundaries on electronics use. No kid is going to love that, but the ACT model helps you put down the new “bumpers” while still helping your child feel heard and giving them some powerful choices and a bit of control. This would look something like this.

Acknowledge: “I know you’re frustrated that we are decreasing our screen time especially when videogames are fun.”

Communicate: “We decided as a family that decreasing our screen time and exploring our hobbies and likes was important.”

Target other choices: “Why don’t you use this time to go ride your bike, try that new skateboard trick you saw, or play board games with _______?”

            Your child will feel disappointed with the new changes early on, but eventually you will all adjust to these new bumper rails and be happier for it. You’ve got this Warrior parents!

 #RaiseAWarrior 

Growth Mindset – Changing the “I Can’t” to “I Can!”

                Sometimes things, like school, come easily to our children. This often feels like a blessing because our job is so much easier when our children are naturally gifted don’t really have to work hard to get it down. And it feels like a blessing until the day it stops happening and then we realize what a curse that natural gift can turn into. Because all that easy success leads to our children never experiencing not automatically having something down within the first few tries. And that is the end of the world as we know it because the lack of practice at problem solving also means they don’t know how to cope with this new realization. Suddenly “I don’t know how” turns into “I can’t” and everyone feels frustrated beyond belief and stuck. Naturally gifted children can develop a fixed mindset and have their success crumble in the face of these standard roadblocks if they aren’t properly prepared. So here are ways to instill and cultivate a growth mindset. This is a trait necessary for the kids that are naturally good at certain things and the ones who always seem to struggle with mastering new tasks.

Growth and Fixed Mindset - What is the difference?

A fixed mindset focuses on the outcome only. Can I do it or can I not. A growth mindset, however, is cultivated on the belief that anything can be learned and improved on, if you’re willing to work at it. A growth mindset shifts our attention from the outcome and rather to the effort and journey of reaching the outcome. It allows us to recognize we don’t know something or can’t do it yet, but that success can be found if we are hardworking and willing enough. Because life isn’t rainbows and unicorns, your child needs a growth mindset in order to push through the roadblocks and obstacles that life will inevitably throw at them. A growth mindset also allows your child to see every problem as an opportunity to try something new. This mindset allows your growing child to push the boundaries and fully meet their potential. It definitely sounds like a growth mindset is the way to go, but how do we promote this in our home.

Praise the right things

                As parent’s we praise our children regularly, but if we focus on the wrong things, we can miss the mark and unwittingly set our child up for disappointment and frustration in the future when they have difficulty. We should not be praising the outcome of our children’s action. It isn’t winning the game, the high grades, or the belt itself that should be our focus. We should praise them for all it took them to get there. Praise their work ethic, praise their dedication, their perseverance, their tenacity. Praise and celebrate the growth and all the work that it took to get them there. Greatness doesn’t happen by accident. It is a direct correlation to your child’s willingness to work and grow. Don’t expect or celebrate perfection. Celebrate what it took to get where they are today. This kind of praise instills and encourages a growth mindset that will help your child in the future more than the standard fluff well-meaning parents tend to focus on.

 

Change your family view of failure

                Just like we need to be conscious of the way we praise, we need to be more conscious about the way we correct and view failure. To fail is to be human. It is not the end all, be all, and failure isn’t a reflection of us as an individual, but rather our work itself. And sometimes we will work hard and have a bad day or the other person worked a little bit harder. That loss isn’t a reflection that we failed or didn’t do enough. Our efforts still brought us growth and that should be celebrated. Failure sucks but we should use it as motivation and a roadmap that shows us what we would like to do better in the future. We can only do that if we have a growth mindset and do not attribute that failure as a part of our identity. The same is true for mistakes. Mistakes are small failures and too often we teach our children that mistakes are bad. So be conscious of how you react to your child’s mistakes and failures. Empathize with their frustrations and feelings but also shift the focus back towards the effort and work that occurred and what we can do differently in the future.

Let them have space to practice

                Modeling the appropriate focus of praise and response to failure is a powerful start to boosting your child’s mindset. Once this has become a comfortable routine in your home give them space to practice and nourish this mindset within themselves. We can’t guarantee we will always be there to praise them and help build up their confidence after a mess up. It’s important to guide your kiddo through this process by asking things like:

What did you do well?

What would you do differently next time?

What can we learn from this to help us in the future?

Helping them work through these questions with a little prompting ensure they are internalizing the mindset and that when things are hard they will be able to self sooth and work through their emotions, dynamically redirect their focus and keep on growing no matter the setbacks.

    Looking for practical ways to get into the practice of this? Try to watch your kiddo on the mat! Find one Warrior trait or thing they did well that you can focus your praise on at the end of class. Start asking them what they think went well and open a discussion about what could be done better next time so they can continue to improve.  You’ve got this Warrior parents. And we’re here to help

 #RaiseAWarrior 

Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde - Why Your Kid Acts Different At Home

 

                Do you ever hear someone tell you something overly positive about your child and all you can think is “Are you sure you’re talking about my kid?” And how could the tiny gremlin we know at home be such a rockstar out in the world? This phenomenon also happens within our home. Maybe one parent or grandparent get the Dr. Jekyll version of your kid and the other one feels like they’re stuck with someone wholly different and not unlike the infamous Mr. Hyde. So today we’re looking at some of the good and bad of why our children save their least desirable behavior for you (aren’t we lucky) and ways we can take steps to improve it.

The Good

Being Home is Being Safe: Our kiddos hopefully see home as a safe space and know they have our unconditional love. This makes our children feel more comfortable expressing all of their feelings and behaviors that they might have to repress and control throughout the day.

•  Ways to improve this: Continue to nurture those feelings of safety and security. Let your children know they have your unconditional love but begin to teach them a couple boundaries and that this is a gift not to be abused. Our families can take a lot, but they don’t deserve our very worst and we should work to be constantly improving our family ties and not just using them as a punching bag at our whim.

The Not So Good

Home Lacks Structure: For our school aged children their days are full of a lot of structure and predictability (much like our own workdays which is why we often feel more collected and in control during those hours versus the ones when we are back at home in full parent mode). They don’t really have to be flexible or adaptive and they know what is required of them. At home can be a different story. Some days free time is an unscheduled free for all, but when a play date or guests are involved suddenly the expectation of their free time is now changed.

• Ways to improve this: Set the expectation from the start of the day by getting your family involved in your plans. When they wake up remind them what the plan is for the day and when you pick them up from whatever activities re-iterate the game plan and take some time to hear their expectations of the outing vs yours so you can be more on the same page and meet in the middle.

Family is Easier to Manipulate: The good thing is we know our family well. The bad things is also we know our family well. Our kiddos know exactly your triggers and what pushes your buttons. A part of learning and growing involves a fair amount of pushing boundaries and disobedience. This is worse so if there is a lack of accountability or un-equal relationship dynamic between parents, co-parents, grandparents, etc. Children like sharks can sense that sort of weakness and will pit you against each other for their benefit.

•  Ways to improve this: Do not undermine each other when your kids can see. If you feel one parent or family member is being too harsh or too lenient setup a code phrase like “I like your shoes” or “Can we talk about this privately first.” This buys you space and time to come to a plan you both agree on without your kid pushing buttons in the middle. Working through your individual parenting triggers, weaknesses, and strengths in a self-reflective manner also helps improve this personally and make it less easy for your child to get you riled up or push your buttons (whether they are doing that purposefully or not).

Discipline Is Inconsistent: Throughout your child’s structured day discipline and the escalation of consequences is based on a stepped interval and at expected moments. Your child knows what will happen when they break rule X, Y, or Z so that helps them pause and consider the consequences before acting out. The same cannot be said for in the home.

• Ways to improve this: Your discipline should be predictable, well explained, and have complete follow through by all parties involved. Think about how we handle it on the mat. All students know not only the punishment for any misbehavior, but the expectation of behavior set for them. It is an expectation we follow ourselves and they know that all the instructors will discipline the exact same way according to the action that occurs. It is predictable and they understand not just the reasoning behind it but every time they are counseled and must think for themselves where they went wrong and how it can be improved. There is never yelling, shaming, or criticizing. Discipline is used as a basis to improve and educate. It is done with compassion and good rapport. There are no weak links or inconsistencies. Fixing these recognizable weaknesses in your home discipline plan will go a long way towards improving this behavior pattern and your relationship as a whole.

    Hang in there Warrior parents. We know childhood is marathon event and not a sprint. Take moments to celebrate the good and plan to improve the not so good. And don’t forget - if you are struggling with particular issues at home we are here to help.

 #RaiseAWarrior 

 

 

Things We Shouldn't Be Teaching Our Child This Back To School Season

 

                We teach our children so much by our words and actions. We also teach them a lot of things that are shaped by our thoughts intentional or not. So here are some less than optimal things you may be teaching your child without always realizing it. As we gear up for back-to-school time it’s important to have some of these on your radar.

Don’t be different

                We would never say this to our child of course, but sometimes our actions speak louder than words. This especially comes out during back-to-school shopping. How much time and money do we invest helping our child be like every one else. How many times do we cave to our child’s demands because it’s easier and they are whining that “everyone else has one” or “because everyone is doing it.” It is a delicate balance. We do not want our child to always be an outsider looking in, but we also do not want our child to do or want something simply because it’s popular. When your child brings up the point that “everyone else has one” or “is doing it” take time to talk this through. Find out if your child really likes this new trend or if they are worried about feeling left out. Encourage self-expression, style, and interests because it is an important part of your child’s growing identity. And above all make sure to help your child learn to make their own good choices regardless of whether it is popular or not.

Just follow the rules

                Another delicate balance. Society needs rules and people who will follow them. And our entire modern school system is largely built upon and meant to encourage rule following. Far too often as parents or adults in general we default to the adage “because I said so.” Why - because in the heat of the moment we literally can’t sometimes and just need our child to do as their told. This cannot be our default, however. No rule should go unquestioned. Our children need to look for ways to discern a “good rule” from a not, and those unjust rules should be challenged, even if it’s a rule that we made for them.

Childhood is your time for fun

                Of all the harmful things we could teach our children, this probably seems like an odd choice. Like all things in life, a delicate balance is needed. It can be just as detrimental to overemphasize a child’s need for a carefree like just as it can be bad to encourage your child to take things to seriously. Pushing for a carefree life underestimates the healthy need for our child to begin taking some responsibility and accountability for themselves. It is easy for us to want to give our children the most carefree summer possible because you only get to be a child once. But there are life skills your child will need to make a way in the world in which we live. Chores should not be burdensome, but they are a part of a learning, growing, and healthy childhood. The same goes for the other end of the spectrum. School matters and it matters a lot; however, we are a generation who is struggling with work life balance. School isn’t mean to be the most important thing in a child’s life and our overemphasis on that can lead to our child not learning how to be attuned to their needs, their health, and their well-being.

                So as you get your kid back to school ready consider the things you want your child to learn during this time. It is okay to stand out from the crowd for the right reasons, we should not blindly follow the rules, and childhood is a time of fun, but we all have a part to do and it is important to work hard and play hard. You’ve got this Warrior parents! School is just around the corner.

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The Student Creed and You

 

Every class begins with us paying attention, giving respects (to ourselves, our instructors, our teammates), and saying the student creed. We do this to remind ourselves (and that goes for all of us, even Sifu and the other instructors) our goals for the class and in life. The student creed is like a moral compass for who we are trying to be. And it can also be a pretty useful reminder and tool for off the mat and in your homes. Today we wanted to look closer at the student creed, what it means to your Warrior, and how you can use it to your advantage.

I am a Warrior!

                We teach them that to say “I am” because even when we’re having a hard time this is the core of who we are and who we want to be. Saying it is a form of accountability. We are reminding ourselves and others that this is who we are. We don’t just get to pick and choose when we want to be a Warrior. It isn’t based purely on convenience, or when we feel like it, but rather it is always a part of us. This is important because it means they will be a Warrior at home too. Then we begin to teach them who a Warrior is. Using the examples of their heroes we talk about Warriors being helpers and protectors. Warriors are the medical team fighting against disease, the teachers fighting against illiteracy and the police officers fighting against bad guys. Warriors are found in a family unit looking out for each other. Warriors exist in the big and little things every day and in every capacity.

I will fight for what’s right!

                I just love the statement “I will”. It isn’t a halfhearted “I’ll try” but rather an all-committed promise. You don’t get to sort of be a warrior who protects and helps others. You must be all in. So as your Little Warrior’s understanding grows so does their knowledge of what they stand for and against. For your Little Warriors this means fighting for what’s right and this is a huge all encompassing ideal. To fight for what’s right is to remind your Little Warrior to – be a good friend, say no to bullying, tell the truth, work hard, be a good sport, and so, so much more. Re-iterate and nurture these sentiments at home. Recognize when they are “fighting for what’s right” and doing better than before. Re-iterating that language and mentality on and off the mat will only help to strengthen that mindset. 

I will be brave, honorable, and respectful!

                This one is important because it recognizes that doing the right thing and being a Warrior isn’t always easy. It acknowledges that sometimes your child won’t feel very brave, will consider doing the wrong thing, and acting out in ways that are less than respectful. We all have those moments of weakness and often consider responding in a less than optimal way throughout the day. Letting your growing Warrior know these feelings occur and can be acknowledged while still doing the right thing is a powerful lesson. Because even though they are afraid your Warrior will be brave. Even though they considered being dishonest they can and will be honorable. And even in moments of frustration and anger we can and will be respectful to others, even when we don’t like them.

                The Student Creed is something your kiddo uses in class to re-orient themselves to who we are and what we do. Those lessons don’t have to stop on the mat. Don’t hesitate to use these phrases as reminders of who they are and who they are working to become. Thank them for doing the right thing. Acknowledge that even though they were afraid they were also brave. And gently remind them that they are a Warrior when they start heading down a path of less than Warrior like behavior. After all, the mindset, courtesy, respect, and discipline are just as important as the self defense and physical health benefits. You’ve got this Warrior parents. And we’re here to help!

 #RaiseAWarrior