Anxiety or Bad Behavior?

    Poor behavior in children doesn't magically happen. There is almost always an underlying cause. And while it can be next to impossible for us to solve that puzzle in the thick of it, we can potentially prevent its occurrence. We do this by looking ahead. By becoming aware of the environmental variables that are coming up in our lives (preferably before they happen). When we start to recognize these potential stressors it becomes much simpler to predict our child's natural response to it and the behavior that might arise.


     For example, as we begin to emerge from shelter in place what might your child experience and feel while we strive to find our new normal? Continued anxiety and fear about the coronavirus? Uncertainty for the future? Might they be afraid that they could suddenly be confined to the home again for months on end? Do they have concerns about being separated from you or about your safety as you go to work? Looking ahead we can see these are very real stressors. So how does all of that anxiety affect our child's behavior?

    When most of us think of anxiety we think of the stereotypical timid child. The one who is very clingy, who retreats away from people, doesn't speak when spoken too, and cries when separated from their parents. That isn't always the case. Anxiety in children can be manifested in many different ways. Some kids don't withdraw when anxious. Some kids natural defense mechanism is to "fight" when they feel threatened rather than to go into they typical "flight" mechanism of anxiety. And no matter the response to anxiety the body is ready for some intense activity. The kid's whose natural anxiety response is to "fight" are the kids who act out. They are the one's who are defiant, and angry because of their fears. They are sensitive to criticism. And they can be a handful when their anxiety goes unaddressed during times of stress and change. That bad behavior truly is just the tip of the iceberg. We have to look below the surface to get to the root of the issue. So if we foresee ending our shelter at home as a big stressor for our child there are the steps we can take today to decrease their anxiety and prevent bad behavior during change.

Address Emotions Before Big Changes:

     Our children (even the older ones) are still learning how to name and work through their emotions. Taking the time to help them do this before a transition is pivotal. We can't always do this (like in times of unexpected injury, or death), but for many life transitions (be it work, home, relationships, or ending shelter in place for example after a pandemic) we can see that coming up from a decent distance away. Life can take us by surprise, but we generally have a plan and think about our big moves before putting them into affect. So to decrease anxiety and concerns start an open family dialogue. Take turns saying what you look forward to and what you're afraid of. With the younger ones note how they express emotions in art and creative play. A child who plays while wearing a mask or one who suddenly is only playing doctor or nurse may have concerns of getting sick after the return to life. A child who plays at quarantining their doll as a punishment may be fearing the powerlessness of quarantine happening again. So clear the air and work through some of those fears before hand. You'll see less anxiety and acting out at that first drop off if you do.

Stay Calm:

     When our children misbehave it tends to escalate pretty quickly. Sometimes it is because they are ready to go and all that energy and emotion has to go somewhere. But sometimes it is because we lose our cool. It is difficult to teach a child emotional management when their behavior is consistently earning an emotional reaction from us. We have to model a better way. So stay calm. Master your own emotions before you attempt to address theirs and the behavior. 

Be Consistent:

     We have to be consistent in how we handle misbehavior. Which means we have to decide and have a strong front before the anxiety and behavior begins. Just because we believe our child is anxious does not make it okay to hit others, use unkind language, tell us no, throw a fit, or demand things of us. And so whether it is emotional behavior or not we must remain strong. Because intermittent reinforcement, even if it is just you giving in sometimes makes a behavior that much stronger. We do not want our child to learn that their poor behavior sometimes leads to what they want. This means we have to be careful giving their anxiety and fears too much attention also. If their anxious acting out buys them more time with you, or attention from you then we are cementing this behavior pattern. We are teaching them to continue to overwhelm and try to badger their way into a yes. Calm consistency is key for managing any misbehavior.

    The main thing is to realistically view your families life and the stressors they are experiencing. We are all in this together. We are all learning and growing through this as a unit. And we have to begin recognizing the subtle signs of anxiety. Is my child anxiously acting out or are they truly behaving badly? Because if we do not address the reason for their anxiety those problems will continue to escalate. We have to name it to tame it. Being firm and correcting the behavior with punishments or consequences won't be enough to end this cycle. It works for bad behavior, but not when it is caused by unaddressed emotions like anxiety. By understanding the anxiety is the problem to tackle it changes our approach. Now we can join forces with our child. Now we are a team attempting to work through anxious situations. It sounds a little labor intensive in the beginning, but it truly is the same amount of work as dealing with the aftermath of a complete melt down. So prepare for the changes your family will go through as you find your own path and method for re-joining society post the COVID-19 pandemic. Transitions can be difficult, but by taking the time to lay this groundwork and make a plan you are truly making the time ahead easier for both you and your child.

#RaiseAWarrior