As the days stretch on- patience is fraying and our stress levels are rising. As parent's we feel forced to choose our battles with our children to keep the peace. After all, it is common parenting advice and we can't win/oversee every battle. How is that working for you? Do you constantly find yourself at odds with your child over the same thing over and over again. We believe that choosing your battles isn't the way towards establishing a more peaceful home. So instead of being at war with your child here are some ways to set you up for success.
Why You Shouldn't Choose Your Battles
1) It puts everyone on the defensive: Right from the get-go you're prepared for a fight and so are they. We go into every request with our haunches up. And this parental state of mind is like a self fulfilling prophecy. It leads to the thing we were dreading- a power struggle. Which is miserable for everyone involved and rarely leads to a happy ending.
2) It teaches your child to push the boundaries more: When we choose our battles we are inconsistently parenting. This is true whether you are intermittently choosing to fight them on a particular issue, or when you choose to fight it but another parent doesn't. And our children pickup on that. Our inconsistencies teach a child that if they can overwhelm us with demands or wear us down eventually they will get their way. This leads to an increase in power struggles and leaves many parents feeling angry and resentful. Towards their child and towards themselves.
3) It creates an emotionally based decision making platform: When we are deciding to fight our child on an issue it is based on our current emotional state. When we are feeling capable, patient, and relaxed we are more likely to take a stand and teach our child a lesson. However, when we are flustered, irritated, stressed, or annoyed we begin to emotionally parent. Emotional parenting is when we give in. Emotional parenting isn't our best. But we've justified it by saying it is us 'choosing our battles.'
What To Do Instead
1) Set consistent limits: We shouldn't be choosing our battles, we should be choosing the limits that are non-negotiable for our family. And limits have to be decided upon and set before the heat of the moment. This also means everyone has to be on the same page, otherwise when your child receives an unsatisfactory answer they'll just go ask dad, or nana, or whoever it is that is a little more relaxed on the limits they enforce. Consistent limits doesn't mean inflexible. Circumstances have to be considered. Maybe on an average day only 2 hours of electronics is allowed in your home. But with all of us sheltering in place maybe you extend that to 4 hours for everyone's sanity. Completely fine. Explain this new limit and the reasoning behind it so you don't seem inconsistent and your child understands.
2) Always follow through: If you don't follow through then your limits aren't consistent. This doesn't mean your child will love or accept these limits. It is okay for them to protest or show displeasure about the rule. We all feel that way sometimes about the rules. So we shouldn't be upset with them for expressing their feelings. Reasonable expression of our emotions is healthy. So acknowledge their emotion and move on with your day. The worst thing you could do is cave into their desires, go against the limits you set, and then be frustrated with your child by the situation.
3) Acknowledge requests: Once you get into the routine of this your child might begin to make proactive requests (like a lot of them). This is an improvement. To encourage it get into the habit of acknowledging their requests and then giving yourself some actual time to think before deciding. This prevents you from parenting reactively. Sometimes you will be able to make it happen and sometimes you won't. When you can't make their request happen try to plan when you can do it in the future. This doesn't mean they won't be upset with your response, but you've got to stick to your guns. It is okay for your child to be upset or disappointed. Life won't fulfill their every wish and we can't either. We need our children to be flexible and able to adapt and overcome when things don't go their way.
Above all stay calm and be consistent. Transitioning from an emotional or reactional parenting model won't happen overnight. But if everyone is on the same page you will all grow stronger together. And as your child learns that family rules are non-negotiable and that fit throwing won't change that you will deal with less argueing, whining, and complaining. So no more choosing our battles. Lets end the power struggle with our children for good and move forward together.
#RaiseAWarrior
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