We want our children to grow up and live independently of us. This isn't to say we don't want to be involved, we just don't want our 22 year old son still living at home, unemployed and playing video games 24/7. So how do we hone independence in our child? How do we foster the executive function skills like oragnization, time management, planning, emotional regulation, attention, and thinking flexibly that our child will need to succeed in academics, the workplace and beyond?
The secret lies in deliberately being disengaged as a parent. This sounds awful at first, but we don't mean in all things. We simply mean deliberately giving your child space to try, do, and maybe even fail a little bit. Some people would say this is lazy parenting. But to be actively disengaged and give your child room to try is actually a lot of work. It requires a lot of mental, and physical determination from you parents. You also have to have emotional determination or else you will constantly want to swoop in and save the day just to spare your child the hurts of reality. It is hard work, but it is also our life's work as parents.
So here are some simple steps towards developing an independent and successful child. Your child may not be ready for all of these steps yet, but each of them is geared towards fostering capable and competent executive function skills. And we know that all good things take practice. We have coaches for soccer, and voice, and martial arts, and piano. So why don't we take the time to step back a little and coach them in the higher thinking and time management skills they will need to crush adulthood successfully.
Sleep Cycle Balance
The middle-school tweens and older are terrible at this. Especially during the summer. They stay up later and later playing video games or watching tv and then Bam! Suddenly your child has become a vampire who doesn't get up before 3pm! When the kiddos are little we are great at enforcing this. After all parents need some personal time too and we'll do anything to not have a cranky kiddo in the morning. But as our children get older bedtimes extend and weekends get even more lax. We stop fighting to get them up and just let them sleep. This isn't helping them succeed! There are consequences as an adult when we don't go to bed early enough. And one of them is we still have to get up and complete our obligations regardless of our tiredness while still being a nice and kind person. So if your child chooses to stay up all night that is fine. They still have to get up and function with everyone else. Teaching these lessons now will also help in that first semester of college when this lesson is either successfully learned or classes are failed during this new found phase of freedom.
Taking Medications
This one seems pretty straightforward and simple; and maybe you feel like your kiddo has got it down. But if our children are only taking their daily meds because they're reminded too, then the routine is broken the second he or she is away from the prompt. And as our children get older they are away from us more often. Sleepovers, weekends at the grandparents, field trips, sports competitions, etc are all opportunities for successful demonstration of this independent skill, but only if we've practiced in our day to day normal lives first. So if your child is old enough to start practicing this level of independence give it a try (with some slightly disengaged parental supervision of course).
Healthy Intake
Eventually our child will be completely in charge of their caloric intake. Day in and day out. So once you've established a lifestyle of healthy balance let them take the lead. Get them involved in shopping, lunch packing, snack picking and meal plans. If you're going out to dinner and your kiddo knows they want dessert or soda give them a chance to choose a lighter fair for breakfast or lunch. This system of involved checks and balances will help them make healthier choices now and in the future. Win win!
Staying Active
Most of us would rather sit down and veg out than get up and go. It is natural to avoid or put off unpleasant things. Our health, however, is too important. So if your kid hates running, don't make them run, but rather help them find an active hobby they enjoy. Maybe this means they go dancing, maybe they walk the dog, maybe ultimate Frisbee, swimming or continuing martial arts. Maybe you mix it up as a family and try new activities each week until you find one that fits each individual of your group. No matter your choice, it is so important to build these habits now. Because we all know building a healthy and fit lifestyle as an adult is not too easy with all the pulls on our time and a world full of fun distractions. So help them discover an activity they love, and then let them take charge in scheduling it and preparing for it each week or day.
Monitoring Hygiene
This is one thing that some people just don't master. And they totally should! Help your child take charge by teaching them good hygiene habits and putting them in charge of it as soon as possible. Because the truth is we won't always be around to tell our child that they or their clothes stink. The level of involvement in this will of course vary by age, but you shouldn't have to remind your 12-15 year old to put on deodorant every day. They should take charge and be proud of their appearance and involvement. It might take them being mocked by their peers and a little nudging from you, but they can learn this level of independence if you don't swoop in and save them every time.
So there you have it! 5 easy steps to start giving your child some relatively harmless room to fail and to start nudging them towards greater independence. And greater independence on their part leaves us more time to teach them other vital skills, life lessons, and to just have fun and make more memories. You've got this! It takes dedication and consistency to give our children some room and independence, but it is definitely worth it. Happy parenting!
#RaiseAWarrior
No comments:
Post a Comment