We are all finding our new normal right now. And while going back to work may be a love it or hate it situation for you, we don't want to lose the positive momentum we've been building with our families during the shelter in place. So how do we keep up that great sense of connection? How do we keep that family centered focus? How do we find that better balance between work and play?Surprisingly a huge part of that happens when you first set foot in your door. I mean imagine this. Your family has been relaxing. They've watched tv, they've played with friends, they've been to day camp, they've just been chilling, having fun and being a family. But you've had a rough day. Being at work while the rules are constantly changing is frustrating beyond belief. You're not in the best of moods. You walk in the front door or you pickup your kiddo. It's almost as if you've thrown a bucket of ice water over everyone. You don't even have to open your mouth. Your mood is palpable and it just shatters the peace that had been there moments before. Isn't that the opposite effect we want to have on the people we care about? So this week we're tackling why this is so important and positive ways to manage this without it affecting our loved ones so negatively.
Why Bringing That Frustration Home Isn't Optimal
1) Anger blocks awareness: When we are firmly rooted in our own problems and struggles, we lose our awareness to things happening outside of us. This isn't great for several reasons. One is when we're locked inside our head we don't see the effects we are having on our loved ones. And two, when we are focused solely on our own demons we completely lack empathy and aren't able to recognize when our family or partner need us. In both of those instances we are emotionally unavailable and not able to reach our family or positively impact them. We might as well not be present.
2) Bad moods spread: Our emotional state is contagious. Ever heard "if mom's happy everyone's happy?" This simple principle applies to everyone in our home. If you're super frustrated, terse, and snippy those feelings spread. Soon everyone in the house is in a bad mood, frustrated, and argumentative. Not our idea of a good way to end the day.
What To Do Instead:
1) Take a few minutes: Most of the busy activities we normally rush too and from remain closed. Little is so dire that we can't take a few minutes to collect yourself. If your angry or upset, take a moment to process your frustrations BEFORE you come home or pick up the kids. Take a few minutes to walk around the parking lot, ride with the windows down and feel the breeze. Pull into your favorite drive through and grab a treat to take home and share. Do something that pulls you from your frustration and into the here and now.
2) Vent later: A lot of parent's want their child to view them as their best friend. While these intentions are good, they can cause a blurring of boundaries and that has severe consequences. So don't vent to your child. Even if they're a little older and know you well enough to ask what's wrong. The sooner we put adult problems onto our child or on their radar the sooner we end the carefree magic of childhood. So don't do it with your child. If you need to vent lean on an adult. Feel you're not ready to share, try expressive writing. Some people destroy these written pieces afterwards and it can be very cathartic, but do not put your stress on your child. Only involve your child if they are older and it is a decision that affects them as well.
3) Throw yourself into making your family happy: If you don't think you can take a few moments for yourself or can process this in a timely manner then try taking a break from your own problems and focus on others. As a family go on an impromptu ice cream run, take a walk, have a picnic, go for a bike ride, put off evening duties and have a game or movie night. When we take the focus off of ourselves and invest in making our family's day better an amazing thing happens. You also start to feel better. This lifts your mood and gives you some clarity of thought that anger and frustration doesn't give. Later on, when you have some time to yourself, you will be ale to look at your situation in a new light.
The bottom line is we want to raise our families up. Sometimes we will struggle and fail. It happens and it is okay. There is a lot on our plate and these are unprecedented times. You will mess up and you will beat yourself up over it. Every good parent does this from time to time. But constant shame and self-criticism isn't productive. Use that guilt to make a plan and motivate yourself towards improvement. When you mess up use it to push yourself towards better. If we are constantly trying to be our best and improve we are giving our family the very best we can. Not perfectly, just one step in the right direction, one positive memory and interaction at a time.
2) Vent later: A lot of parent's want their child to view them as their best friend. While these intentions are good, they can cause a blurring of boundaries and that has severe consequences. So don't vent to your child. Even if they're a little older and know you well enough to ask what's wrong. The sooner we put adult problems onto our child or on their radar the sooner we end the carefree magic of childhood. So don't do it with your child. If you need to vent lean on an adult. Feel you're not ready to share, try expressive writing. Some people destroy these written pieces afterwards and it can be very cathartic, but do not put your stress on your child. Only involve your child if they are older and it is a decision that affects them as well.
3) Throw yourself into making your family happy: If you don't think you can take a few moments for yourself or can process this in a timely manner then try taking a break from your own problems and focus on others. As a family go on an impromptu ice cream run, take a walk, have a picnic, go for a bike ride, put off evening duties and have a game or movie night. When we take the focus off of ourselves and invest in making our family's day better an amazing thing happens. You also start to feel better. This lifts your mood and gives you some clarity of thought that anger and frustration doesn't give. Later on, when you have some time to yourself, you will be ale to look at your situation in a new light.The bottom line is we want to raise our families up. Sometimes we will struggle and fail. It happens and it is okay. There is a lot on our plate and these are unprecedented times. You will mess up and you will beat yourself up over it. Every good parent does this from time to time. But constant shame and self-criticism isn't productive. Use that guilt to make a plan and motivate yourself towards improvement. When you mess up use it to push yourself towards better. If we are constantly trying to be our best and improve we are giving our family the very best we can. Not perfectly, just one step in the right direction, one positive memory and interaction at a time.
#RaiseAWarrior
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