What Is Shaping Our Children?

 

                We’ve all heard the age-old adage you are what you eat. I prefer the saying you are what you constantly surround yourself with. Because all the things we love to do and spend our time focused on have power. Power to shape and influence us and this power comes in many forms; from the friends we sit with, the shows we watch, and yes even the music we listen to.  This is only multiplied in today’s age, with the power of the internet in our pockets with us wherever we go. There is an endless array of influences, but not all of them necessarily have your child’s best interest at heart. So here are some things that are shaping your child’s worldview and ways to be more cautious and conscious about their impact.

Video Games

It is common knowledge to check video game ratings and question the amount of violence and screen time we allow our children to partake in under the guise of fun. But video game culture has been changing and so has it’s influence on our children. Here are some sticky things that might be on your radar, but you should consider watching for it not

Interacting with strangers: Most popular games right now have an interactive, online, social component. This allows your child to instantly connect with all kinds of children and predators. Online gaming requires more monitoring than the previous standards. Frequently check in with your child for signs of grooming, your child being bullied or taking part in bullying. Discuss online safety regularly and what information is okay to share/believe and what is not. And if your parenting Spidey sense is alerting you in any way consider pulling the plug (literally) on online platforms period. There is too much bad out there to let their online interactions occur without some guidance and without monitoring. Another way to ensure these interactions are safe is to move all gaming systems to public areas and not allow headsets. It can be annoying to hear the constant stream of chatter, but it also allows you to keep an eye quite literally on what is happening.

Celebrity gamers: This is a newer concept that continues to gain traction in the hearts and minds of young gamers. Used to kids wanted to grow up to be doctors, nurses, firefighters, teachers, or professional athletes. Today’s generation still has those but also the increasingly common goals of “influencer, professional gamer, YouTube celebrity, or become viral.” While these are more readily becoming careers it is important to monitor which celebrities your child is following. Your child looks up to them and is readily trying to imitate them. Some of these celebrities are quite abrasive regularly “yelling, cussing, and mocking the poorer players.” If that isn’t the kind of person you want your child to look up to and emulate you might want to take a more conscious stance on monitoring who their favorite Youtubers are.

Streaming Services

Streaming services have spoiled us. Used to waiting a week or more for a new episode was the normal and we would eagerly gather as a family to watch the newest one together. Now when a new show release we are done with it in a week or less and heaven forbid a show like Mandalorian makes us wait a week between episodes. That is so old school now. We are a culture who has become used to having readily available content and the ability to binge watch countless shows at our leisure. And while we can separate reality from fiction when enjoying a show our children haven’t always gained that necessary skill. Our children shouldn’t be learning how to date, handle conflict, etc from TV shows or movies. And don’t even get us started on the fact that viral shows meant for adult entertainment (like Squid Games) are common topics of discussion among elementary aged children and the theme of their Halloween costumes. We can and should be doing better than that monitoring what our children watch and enjoy in their free time. Free time should not be free of monitoring especially at such a young and impressionable age. There are countless parenting resources that share exactly why the show or movie is rated the way it is. Educate yourself and decide how much is too much to allow in your home.

Music

Music also has an equally strong pull on our growing children. The lyrics are either strengthening the values we are trying to instill in them or proving them irrelevant. And music also has the unique pull of being deeply tied to our emotions. So here are some things about music we should be monitoring, teaching, and instilling in our children.

Teach music and mood: Music has a powerful pull on our emotions. It can pump us up, fuel our rage, or make our sadness that much sadder. We should be teaching our children to use music in a positive manner. One in which we are seeking to improve our mood and not prolong a negative emotional state. Make tedious things that are necessary (like chores or getting ready for school) more fun by curating as a family your favorite upbeat playlists. Take an interest in your child’s musical tastes. Encourage the creative expression of making playlists and share them with each other regularly. A child’s Spotify playlists can tell you a lot about their emotional state.

Look at the lyrics: Just like the shows our kids watch the lyrics are also sending a message. It can be the catchiest song in the world, but do we truly want our child repeating such explicit or innuendos in public. You would be amazed some of the phrases your child is picking up just by the music we surround them with. And even if we don’t consciously hear or understand every word our (and our child’s) brains are more powerful than we realize. The days of radio censorship seem a thing of the past so it’s up to you to look at the music you listen too with your children critically. If you aren’t willing to read and explain the lyrics to your child, then perhaps now is not the time to be enjoying such music together.

Social Media

I feel we all are starting to see the impact that our children’s time on Youtube, TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, and such is having on them. However, if you are one of the few who still hasn’t seen it yet here is your wakeup call. Social media is the pulpit from which the world is preaching to our kids. Our children are learning all about themselves and the world’s perception of the meaning of life every time they open an app. The only time it is acceptable to be innocent to the dangers of the world is as a child. We are not children and as a parent you should be checking in on this on a regular basis. There are too many dangers and repercussions if not. Educate yourself on the new platforms they are talking about. Look into parenting monitoring apps that allow you to check in on your child or notifies you when a new contact has been input or requested. Consider long and hard the effects of unlimited device usage and how early you are willing to begin that battle and bring it into your home.

It is naïve to think that our children are only being shaped and learning to be the people they will grow up to be within the confines of our home. The world is pulling and testing them 24/7 through these devices and others. Make sure you are giving your child more than a device and access to the internet, make sure you are giving them guidance, monitoring, and the awareness and strength they need to succeed. You’ve got this Warrior parents.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Parenting and the 3 Pillars of Trust

                 I was reading an article from Harvard Business about managing people the other day and it got us thinking about parenting. What is parenting but an exercise in managing people? Albeit sometimes tiny illogical, and unreasonably emotional people, but our children are people none the less. Growing people who need guidance from a good leader. The kind of leader who doesn’t only show them the way forward but helps them understand the why. Because the why is empowering and it will allow your child to act similarly in the future when you aren’t there to guide them. So, if we look at parenting, like leadership, from a business or partnership model what is the currency that gives them worth or credit? The answer is trust.

Trust is the most essential form of capital that any good leader has and the same is true of parents. Our children trusting us is crucial to us being able to help shape them into being the best version of themselves. And trust is hard earned and easily lost. So today we’re going to break down trust into 3 core drivers. By simplifying this process, it will help us identify our strengths, identify our weaknesses, and improve from there. So, let’s look at the pillars of the trust triangle and what that looks like as a parent.

Logic: 

I know your reasoning and judgement are sound

                In the beginning our children have no choice but to trust our judgement, but as they grow this becomes less and less so which culminates in the wonderful pre-teen and teen “know it all years.” We shore up our child’s present and future trust in our logic by being consistent. You must trust your judgement and you must demonstrate that and a willingness to follow through. This wobble most often becomes evident in our household rules and disciplinary measures (or lack thereof). If you feel your relationship with your child is wobbling in this area, take a good look at how you make decisions, follow through with them, and meet out consequences. If they are haphazard your logic will also seem so. This is a pivotal area because we need our children to trust in our reasoning and judgement, so they are willing to come to us with life’s hard stuff. This won’t happen if you yell at them over chores not being done one day and then ground them for 3 weeks the next. This also doesn’t happen if you then reverse your 3-week grounding after 2-4 days because you realize it is more inconvenient for you and the family. And when you feel their trust wobbling in this area remember it is okay to acknowledge you don’t have all the right answers and be willing to apologize when you’ve done wrong. We’re human after all and our children are learning too.

Authenticity: 

I know and experience the real you

                We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it 10,000 more times. Your kids are watching and learning from you even when it seems like they aren’t. If they see you being one person in public and one person in private, you have an authenticity wobble and that will lead to its own realm of trust problems. Of course, we all give the people in the world different levels of ourselves. That is natural and normal even. What isn’t normal is when I am outside the home projecting that I am kind, patient, understanding, and the most even-tempered person in the world, but that within the “safety” of my home I am a ball of yelling, frustration, and quick to anger. Our children need to know you. The real you. They deserve to see and know and learn from that best version of you. They have to know that if we want to know the real person are child is in return.

Empathy: 

I know you care about me and my success

                It seems like this one should be an easy one. Of course, our children should know we think and care about them and their success. However, today’s modern workplace and lifestyle is increasingly distracting us and pulling at our attention almost 24/7. Looking at your past week I am sure you can see rampant examples of this. How often do we ask our child to hold on a moment while we finish on our phone, that we divide our attention and multi-task, or that we abruptly had to change plans because of work? Those buzzing devices are ever present in ours (and by proxy our family’s life) and they make multi-tasking all too easy. Your child recognizes and feels that split attention over time. If we don’t make conscious efforts to disconnect and assert our family’s importance you might be on track to an empathy wobble. This one is typically tricky for the parents who are naturally more analytic, and results or achievement driven. So, if you think your trust might be in danger of an empathy wobble step back and recert your child’s importance. Sometimes it is necessary to put the phone aside and be fully engaged. The costs if we do not are incomparable.

                We know that looking at these 3 pillars of trust can be hard. Any foray into self-awareness usually is, but if you have the resources look at your other close relationships. Which area do you wobble with them? Odds are the things you struggle with will be across most of your relationships. You’ve got this Warrior parents. Every day you try to be better than the day before is a good day in parenting.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Parenting: A Look At Doing Our Best

                 Have you ever asked your parents (good or bad) why they did something a certain way while you were growing up and they responded with the vague, apologetic response “I did my best”? I mean that whole response in and of itself is interesting to think about as a parent, doing our best. What does that truly mean? Does it mean we have a plan? Does it mean we are acting or merely reacting? Does it refer solely to our good intentions? Is there a method to “doing our best” or is it all just chaos theory wrapped up in minutia of choices we are forced to make in the heat of the moment? And if we are disregarding all that hypothetical speculation for a moment - if the situation was reversed and your now grown-up child is asking you the reasoning behind your parenting actions, would you want to merely respond with “I did my best.” Would that be enough for you? Would that be enough for your child? Is that enough for us to give them hypothetically in the future or in very reality now?

                If this brief monologue made you uncomfortable in any way take a time out and acknowledge that feeling. Being uncomfortable is a cue that something doesn’t sit right with us. It is a nudge and a hint that we should do better. And we’re here to tell you that you can. You can always be a better parent, starting today, from whatever season you’re in. Here’s how to not fall into common traps that lead to the “I did my best” mentality.

If you fail to plan, plan to fail

                Parenting is an individual experience. And a lot of our parenting decisions and ideals will stem from our very individual core values (if you haven’t checked that out yet core values and a quick project to understand yours are check our previous posts). What is important to you and your family must be created within the atmosphere of your home. That doesn’t happen without some forethought. So take some time discover your families core values and when making decisions in line with who you are as a family and who you are trying to be. This is also a great mindset for choosing between two good options.

Parenting is also a linear journey with some standard milestones and hurdles that the average family units encounter. Starting to figure out where you stand on issues (like dating, curfews, sleepovers, cell phones, etc) before they come up allows you to have a plan. This helps prevent inconsistencies in our parenting style and answers and helps foster reliability and trust between all members of the family unit.

Bottom line have a plan! Without a plan and some forethought, we can’t anticipate the consequences and are acting purely in the heat of the moment. And snap decisions rarely help us achieve our desired outcomes so do yourself and your kiddo a favor, have a plan, and be flexible.

Realize the Ecolacy of Parenthood

Ecolacy is a principle of realizing that we never merely do one thing. Every choice, and every action, has the potential for long term effects greater than the initial cause and effect that we can immediately perceive as possible. Parenthood is the same. All our thoughts, our choices, our actions add up to something. Maybe not today but over the next 10 days, 6 month, 5 years it can easily become more apparent. Realizing this discourages our self-delusion that the consequences are minimal because it forces us to look further down the timeline. For example, does breaking this one promise to our child this once truly make or break them? No. Over time could it become a habit of grandiose words and disappointing actions that leads to more permanent effects? Absolutely. Realizing this can help us find a better way because we are looking beyond the moment. Perhaps we request a postpone on the promise because something came up. Surely that is more beneficial than hoping they don’t remember (fyi they always remember so don’t even try that one).

Realize that we are hardwired to act

As parents do you ever feel like we’re just go, go, going all the time? We have convinced ourselves that motion and action is good. After all those things lead to progress and so we fill our schedules to the brim and rush through our day-to-day life. And even though we are mentally and emotionally wiped by the end of it we tell ourselves it feels good. Because we spent all day doing what felt like something. But a word of caution. We live in a society that praises the hustle. The desire to fill our schedule to the brim and constantly be on the go is an illusion of progress, that feeds our ego, and shelters us from feelings of failure. Not all action is good action and sometimes the best thing we can do is rest and make space for unplanned activity or better yet inactivity.

View your choices as reversible or not

Some choices are minor, like what your child chooses to wear for the day. But some are not so little. So if you’re stuck on a parenting decision try viewing them as reversible or not? If you don’t allow sleepovers and play dates outside the home right now is that permanent or irreversible? If not don’t fret the small stuff. Reversible decisions can be made now and revisited when there is more time to think about it when you aren’t rushed or emotionally charged (pro tip: with older kids saying “We can revisit this topic at a later date” lets them know you need more time to think about it and that the initial decision could be changed).

There you have it Warrior parents. Some words of wisdom to help you not use “I’m did my best” as an excuse, but rather something you and your child will both confidently know and not need to question. You’ve got this!

 #RaiseAWarrior 

 

 

 

 

 

Guilt Tripping: The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

“I work so hard for us, why can’t you get up and help around some.”

“I really thought you were more mature than that.”

“You make me disappointed and sad when you do that. Do you really want to hurt my feelings.”

“Come on! I taught you better than that.”

“I expected more from you.”

 

Sound familiar?

    Often as parents we use guilt trips to jump start our kids or spur them into action. And we get what we want. There may be some groaning, eye rolls, or even tears, but we usually get some kind of action. The question is at what cost? I mean every parent does it from time to time after all so how could it truly be. However, anytime we consistently use anything to obtain compliance there are always messages learned. There can be no cause without an effect. And whether you can see beyond this parenting instance or not is of little matter in the long run. We can’t give into knee jerk parenting. So today we’ll be looking at what kind of message guilt tripping sends our children (and even our spouse) and ways we can stop this cycle and improve from here on out.

Consider this comment…

“When you do (blank) it makes me really sad and disappointed. Do you really want to hurt my feelings?” At one point we’ve all said something similar. And why? We are intending to pull empathy from our child. We want them to consider another’s feelings and in turn, elicit a guilty feeling in them that will hopefully change behavior. But what messages does this statement really send when used repeatedly?

 

#1) It teaches your child they are responsible for your feelings (fun fact they are not)

#2) It teaches your child that you care more about your own feelings than theirs (this is literally us modeling the opposite of empathy)

 

Now when we look at it this way we can see that guilt tripping definitely doesn’t have the effect we once hoped. So where do we go from here? Here’s a quick action plan for ways to break free of this habit and get what you want from your child in a better way.

 

Find the why: 

    What makes you resort to guilt tripping. Often it is in those moments where we feel embarrassed by our child or that their action reflects poorly on us as parents. We can own that feeling of embarrassment. We have power over that. However, our child’s behavior and decisions ultimately are their responsibility after a certain age. We are the bumpers that guide them, but we cannot own everything they do.

 

Find a healthier way to communicate: 

    Guilt tripping stems from us wanting a certain behavior to occur. But there are helpful and unhelpful ways to share that. Focus on describing the behavior, how it affects others, and talk about positive alternatives that you’re willing to try. Here’s what that looks like in action.

 Instead of this...

“I did (blank) for you, you can’t even do (blank) for me?”

Try this...

“I see you have a lot of responsibilities. I know that is hard to juggle. Maybe we can brainstorm a way to help make it happen better.”

 

Instead of family night going like this…

“You don’t want to do this with us? That makes me feel like you don’t love us.”

Try this...

“I know you might not want to join us right now, but family time is important. Would you like to help me pick the next activity?”

                We know that old habits die hard, but life is meant to be a journey of growth so don’t be afraid to break outside your norm on this parenting journey. Just keep striving to develop yourself in a positive manner. You’ve got this Warrior parents!

#RaiseAWarrior 

 

 

 

Relationship Work PART 2: It’s All About Connection

                We’ve talked about this before, but we wanted to add to this idea a little. We know that relationships are not a static or stagnant state of being. They required consistent work and a lot of it. Of course, there is always an element of choice. We can choose to do the work and reap the benefits, or we can choose to rest on our laurels and see how long that lasts. Anyone who has an older child know there is wisdom in choosing the first option. The grudgingly answered questions and the monosyllables or one-word answers are enough to drive anyone crazy. So today covers EVEN MORE great ways to ensure you and your child have a relationship of open communication.

Connect To Strengthen

                In all relationships there will be highs and there will be lows. Sometimes it is smooth sailing and sometimes it feels like we are constantly at odds with each other. And even though those low points are hard and hurt more than we like to acknowledge, they’re even more cutting when we weren’t connected in the first place. As parents we can expect some of the stickier hurdles of growth. So in the times of plenty don’t take that connection for granted. Shore up that connection and strengthen that bond so that even when it is taxed it does not break. It makes those times of hardship that more manageable when you know that at the root of it, you’re still on the same team and craving to get back to that connection you had previously.

 Connect To Create Memories

                Do you remember the wonder of childhood? Do you remember the magic of sharing something you love for the first time with your child or exploring something new together? Eventually it feels like that magic is gone and there is no way to recreate it, but there are truly countless ways to bring that magic back and create some memories. It doesn’t have to be crazy big either. As we’ve grown older Christmas has changed. Our needs are different and less exciting. So, one way we brought the magic back is by having an adult scavenger hunt with our presents. For 30 minutes we frantically rush around Walmart looking for “a blue liquid for $5 or less,” “something rectangular for $15” etc. And so, while in truth we’re grabbing much needed socks and cleaning supplies, we’re having a blast doing it. Do an Easter Egg hunt but use money. Have a costume dinner party in the middle of the week. Pick out good will outfits and wear them to chick fil a. Have a bake off in your own home and then eat only dessert for dinner. We can add a little magic and make every day that much more extraordinary by creating small memorable moments our family won’t soon forget.

Connect To Build A Legacy

                Our children should carry forward the best parts of us. However, this doesn’t just happen without some forethought and effort. If we aren’t consciously trying to instill our strongest character traits and morale’s in our children, then they are only absorbing what they perceive us to be doing. Sometimes that can work in your favor but not always. So, take time to develop your legacy. Live life the way you want your children to remember you. Make times for what is important. Work is great but that isn’t the legacy your children want or deserve. Build into your lifestyle a legacy of love, service, creativity, adventure, gratitude, humor, or whatever it is that is special and unique to you. When our time on this earth is no more it is our legacy and the way we lived our lives that will stand out to our children, and they will always have to carry with and guide them. Make sure it’s a legacy worthy of that task.

                Parenting is the single most important job you will have in your lifetime. It is capable of being the most impactful on you and your child so take time to re-center and refocus. And keep up the great work Warrior parents!

#RaiseAWarrior 

 

Defining Your Core Values: As A Parent & A Family

Looking at great Warrior cultures across history we see men and women of great feats and legacy. And although many of their cultures have long since faded into the pages of history there is something these great warriors had in common that we should strive for. Warrior cultures had an ethos. A set of guidelines that acts as their moral compass and a way to help them choose the path before them. These values were pivotal in helping them choose the path before them. And these values were instilled from the beginning in their home. It is the importance of these guiding moral principles that are too often overlooked modern day.

The thing is no one can define your family’s ethos for you. It is up to you as a unit to decide your core values and hash out what values you hold dear and want to strengthen. What traits make your family unique? Are you grateful, generous, loving, courageous, selfless, disciplined? The options are truly endless. And history is ripe with examples: Chivalry, Vikings, bushido, the ten commandments, nearly every culture and people you can think of have a documented value system some steeped in religion and some less so. Feel free to deep dive into those cultures. You might be surprised by some of the things they held dear and what was important traits for being a good man or woman. And don’t worry for those less interested in a historical deep dive the link below syncs up to a core value exercise and walks you through it step by step. (Feel free to just skip there if getting lost in the internet’s abyss of potential and learning isn’t really your style)

This is a great exercise and way to self-check where we are on this parenting journey. Even doing this activity solo for yourself can be eye opening regarding what’s important to you as a person, as a parent, and why. Feel free to do this exercise several times as an individual, co-parents, and as a family. Everyone can get involved and who knows you might learn something along the way and be a little more focused on what you want to tackle next.

Our value system is heavily influenced by the beliefs we are raised within our homes. As our children grow, they are introduced to other priorities and theories of thought so take the time to strengthen this awareness wherever you are on your parenting journey. You’ve got this Warrior parents. Feel free to drop your core values below in the comments. We would love to learn with you!

Core Values Activity - Level Up Your Life

#RaiseAWarrior 

Relationship Work: Putting Good Communication In Practice

                We know that relationships are not a static or stagnant state of being. They required consistent work and a lot of it. Of course, there is always an element of choice. We can choose to do the work and reap the benefits, or we can choose to rest on our laurels and see how long that lasts. Anyone who has an older child knows there is wisdom in choosing the first option. The grudgingly answered questions and the monosyllables or one-word answers are enough to drive anyone crazy. So today covers some great ways to ensure you and your child have a relationship of open communication. And the best thing is like all good goals, you can start from wherever you are today.

Connect To Know Their Heart

                You can’t have open communication without a safe space of being known and being loved through the good and the bad. This sort of trust is built with lots of practice and takes time to nurture. You have to give your child room to say what they need to and you have to listen. Building this sort of trust requires you to ask “if they would like to talk” and then sit in silence. Let it build and let them pour out their heart if they choose too. Then don’t go into fix it mode. Be a safe place and sounding board for them to vent their concerns too. The act of speaking aloud our fears and concerns is a pivotal step in working through them. Your child (especially as they grow) don’t need you to solve everything. They just need you to be present and there for them and know if ever they have that need, you’d move heaven and earth to aid them.

Connect To Encourage Optimism

                Our brains are designed to detect threats to us. Young children aren’t really aware it’s happening, but as we grow we realize our brain is really good at focusing and fixating on the things that upset us or stress us out. However, as with all things we need balance. When our mind gets stuck focusing on the bad, it seems to be all we can find. We must actively chase the sunshine and see the good in the spot of gray. This comes with practice. This isn’t to say focus on the sunshine and rainbows when your kiddo is struggling, but don’t let them dwell in that thought cycle. Let them vent the good the bad and the ugly. Be that safe space. But always bring it back with a “what’s one thing you’re thankful for today?” or a “did someone help you today?” This practice gives us space to work through the rougher bits of our day, but then refocus on the good and carry on from there.   

Connect To Build Resiliency

                This one goes hand in hand with the message of the last one. Sometimes you feel like you can’t turn a day around. It happens. When it does teach your child to shift their focus; that goes a long way towards strengthening their beliefs in the good around them and giving them the ability to be hardy and resilient in a world that will sometimes knock their socks off. So, if it seems like your child can’t refocus on the positive and carry on from their ask them “what can you do tomorrow to make it great?” or “how can you help someone else today?” Shifting the focus to another or to the future is more positive because helping others feels good and goal setting is an entire belief based on the premise that things can and will be better.

Connect For Emotional Intelligence

                We live in a culture that encourages us to tamp down the real us and only leave the picture perfect for others to see. This shunning of talking about or even feeling our emotions as a means of escape just leads to an inevitable build up and blowout. Avoidance and denial are not the path to a happier more fulfilled life. We want more for our children than the emotional stunted growth and difficult relationships a lack of emotional intelligence leads to. Giving our children room to work through those big feelings while knowing they are safe to do so and unjudged during the process is so pivotal on this journey. If you want to be the person, they come to when things get hard, you must be there and present for the things that matter to them. Even if they seem small and inconsequential to you in the moment. Remember there was once a time when the betrayal of not being invited to little Sally’s birthday party, or your sibling getting unfair treatment would have ruined your day too. When they go quiet ask them “what are you feeling?” ask them to tell you about it and then wait. Give them space to decide what to share and how quickly. Be a good listener.

                Warrior parents we get it. It is very easy for us to be caught up in all our duties, the roles, and responsibilities we must do for everything and everyone. Our children know they are loved. We don’t have to prove it to them every 4-6 hours… right? The things you do are important. Work, commitments, extracurriculars, and some down time for yourself are ALL important. But if you continually turn away, or “not right now” your kiddo when they are needing your “yes” and for you to turn towards there will be changes. You may not notice them right now, but one day you’ll miss the days when they couldn’t wait to crawl in your lap and tell you what school was like. Deep breath! Put the phone down and turn towards your child today. Be the one who opens the door for better communication. And if you’re in the older years hang in there. The monosyllable stage of your relationship doesn’t last forever. You can communicate better and grow these skills as a family. You’ve got this Warrior parents.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Say No To More Whining!

                I don’t know about you, but it seems there is less for us to do during the winter and the whining seems to increase. Maybe it’s because we spent too much money over the holidays and don’t have the extra funds, maybe we’re all just tired of the Texas weather that is beautiful one day and frigid the next. No matter the reason here are a few truths about whining and how to make it stop.

Truth #1) Whining is a learned behavior that occurs because it works

                We are creatures of habit no matter our age. And the tools we use the most are the ones and that we have learned and know will work most of the time. Your kiddo isn’t whining to annoy you, they’re whining because you’ve taught them it is a successful method of getting what they want. So the first step to ending whining in your household is to not let it work! Stop giving in. Let them know you won’t respond to whining and then follow through. These steps may seem small and practically insignificant but if you can manage it you’ll cut back dramatically on this annoying behavior.

Truth #2) Whining is a lack of a more positive means of getting our attention or their needs met

                Our kids want us to see them. They want to be the center of our world and sometimes they don’t care whether your focus is positive or negative they’re all about it. This is tricky because whining seems to trigger just that – our attention. To truly stomp out whining, like any bad behavior, we must replace it with a better way. And this doesn’t occur in the moment. You must set the stage for expected behavior beforehand. Let them know you will not respond to whining (after all we don’t negotiate with terrorists even tiny, adorable ones that make your heart glow 88% of the time). Let them know they are old enough that you expect good communication and model this behavior yourself. Let them know that sometimes they will be disappointed by the outcome of their requests and give them tools to manage those emotions.

Truth #3) Whining occurs most when children are feeling ignored or unacknowledged

                Most whining can be nipped in the bud with the right kind of attention. We as parents never mean for our children to feel ignored, but there are so many pulls on our attentions and our time it is easy to let some things slip. Taking time to positively connect with your child in a meaningful way can lessen whining exponentially. If whining is a big problem in your home looking at how much quality time you spend with other members of your home might be eye opening.

Truth #4) Whining won’t end overnight

                This is a negative and almost symbiotic habitual relationship pattern between you both. It will take practice for you to ignore your child’s whining and not respond in a way that fulfills their attention seeking. It will take practice and reminders from you for your child to begin expressing what they want or need in a more positive way. And it takes lots of opportunities to practice for our children to come to terms with life’s disappointments (big or small) and learn to manage their emotions and expectations in a healthy way.

                Whining doesn’t have to be a regular part of parenting. We have the power to show our children a better way! You’ve got this Warrior parents! We’re here to help you with this and other parenting hurdles. Just let us know. And don't worry Texas won't keep us in wild weather forever 

#RaiseAWarrior 

Instructor Spotlight: Mr. Stephen

 

Mr. Stephen IS AWESOME! 

He’s been a student of ours since he was 16 and has crushed some amazing goals and made a real difference in our community!

He is a Full Instructor here at Warrior’s Way who served as a local police officer and is now back with us and fighting hard to help you Raise A Warrior!

 

Mr. Stephen strives to teach our Little Warriors:

"To have good character and be caring people."

 

The kiddos love Mr. Stephen because:

He is high energy all the time

He is a kind friend to everyone he meets

He is passionate for the martial arts and loves sharing that fire with our students

He loves adding powerful striking like headbutts, knees and elbows to anything he can

 

A few of Mr. Stephen’s favorite things:

     Mr. Stephen is a surprisingly big Disney nerd. His favorite one is Tarzan and with a soundtrack by Phil Collins it’s no surprise. Mr. Stephen loves working out and improving his skills. When he isn’t working out or training to an awesome rock playlist, he can be found spending time with friends, taking his dogs to the park, or curling up for naps on the couch with his new puppy. His favorite movie is Tombstone, he has some super cool warrior and animal-based tattoos, loves Chick fil A, is usually hungry, and his favorite animal is a wolf.

A little bit more about Mr. Stephen:

     Mr. Stephen’s hero is Tuhon Harley. He says that Tuhon “has always been there to teach me not only how to become a great martial artist, but also a good man. He has qualities that I strive to be like every day.” We know that Mr. Stephen will excel and be a leader for good no matter what role he is in, and we are so grateful to have him back on our team helping raise Warriors once more!

Mr. Stephen we are so grateful to have you back on the mat helping Raise Warriors!!! Warrior's Way is capable of making a powerful difference because of our hardworking team!

  

#RaiseAWarrior 

Teaching Your Child Flexibility And Avoiding Melt Downs

 

    A day is a funny thing. It can be so hit or miss. I mean we parent’s know how it works, but the smaller members of our family really have a hard time coping with those kinds of unexpected or disappointing changes. Even the smallest derailment or delay can cause the most epic of meltdowns when plans or the day go awry. And I get it. Disappointment is hard no matter how old you are. But their response to these changes isn’t necessarily them misbehaving or acting out. The ability to emotionally regulate and think flexibly are skills that must be cultivated and developed. And it’s one of those life skills that is so essential just for day to day life. Because as much as we would like to, we can’t just spend every day acting out in frustration and be successful long term.

    So here are some ways to help your child practice cognitive flexibility and emotional regulation so they can improve their ability to adapt their behavior and thinking to the roadblocks that come when there is a disconnect between our expectations and reality.

Use a physical example (especially for the younger kiddos)

    Nature is full of examples of how you have to be soft and flexible to be resilient. Start this conversation using a flexible branch in the wind versus a dry and brittle twig or something as simple as a cooked vs uncooked spaghetti noodle. For those older kiddos share examples of where inflexible thinking resulted in harm or bad outcomes. Just peek in any history book, life is full of examples of fixed thinking and inflexibility making life difficult for countless of people.

Give them room to practice

    There are so many controlled opportunities we can give our kiddos to practice managing their emotions and actions in the face of roadblocks. I for one am a big fan of not letting kiddos win board or card games. Life won’t be so kind to them and it’s our job to raise kids who are more resilient and made of stronger stuff.

Teach Empathy

    Teach your kiddo to understand another’s perspective. Focus on raising a child who’s capable of looking beyond themselves and consider another’s feelings and perspective. This is an excellent form of cognitive and emotional flexibility. And day to day life offers plenty of opportunities to point this out and practice. Every conflict can be a learning opportunity if you give them opportunity to hear and consider how they made the other person thing and feel.

Use Frontloading

    Frontloading is a way of preparing your child ahead of time for something that is going to happen. This can be as simple as a little heads up or the lowdown on what they should expect and what is expected of them. Of course you can’t always due this thanks to life’s randomness, but it can alleviate a lot of meltdowns and discomfort if done properly. Plus every time you engage in the process of talking and thinking out a situation before entering it you are also giving your child the tools to self sooth when they’re om a sticky or new uncomfortable situation.

******Pssst Pro-parent tip: Frontloading is also extremely useful for warnings and countdowns. Telling your kiddo “Hey we have to leave in 10 minutes, you should get ready to turn off your game” gives them the grace to mentally begin transitioning before the next task and is 110% more successful then walking in and saying “Shut off your game, we have to leave now.” Trust me on this one.

    So there you have it. Some ways to help your kiddos face frustration and improve their coping skills. Of course it’s not a complete list but helping your kiddo develop the tools to handle life’s ups and down is better for you and for them. You’ve got this! Happy Parenting Warriors.

  #RaiseAWarrior 

 

The Gold In Intrinsic Motivation

     We were talking about respect in classes, and we challenged the kiddos to figure out why the golden rule is called that. They decided that gold is both precious and rare. In today’s day and age respect (like many other countless priceless characteristics and morals) feels as precious and rare as gold. Now as parents, we want our children’s life to be rich. Rich in character, rich in happiness, rich in joy. But wishing isn’t enough to make it so. All our encouragement isn’t enough to get our children to seek after and chase these precious and finer things. Especially considering today’s world that is over saturated and overly relies on external rewards, prizes, and displays of outward success. To wish better for our children we must show them a better way. We need to teach our children to celebrate doing good for the sake of doing good. That doing good in and of itself feels good. And that the sense of accomplishment, and joy in giving is rewarding just for what it is. So today we’re going to delve into a path of intrinsic motivation and growth mindsets. Why it’s important and ways to help foster and encourage it in your child.

Intrinsic motivation must come from inside you. It is a desire to grow, explore and master not for recognition, gain, or others, but simply because you enjoy it. Intrinsic motivation encourages us to have a growth mindset and be cognitively hardy. It is a trait that encourages our kids to

·         Do good because it feels good

·         Have a sense of pride in their efforts

·         Be able to get back up when knocked down

·         Believe in themselves and their abilities

What parent doesn’t want that for their child? So here are ways to foster and reinforce this in your home.

Change Your Families View Of Failure And Mistakes

                Too often we get stuck on seeing failure or mistakes as the end all be all. But in reality we should view it as a beginning or springboard from which we can grow. We should teach our children to view challenges and the emotions associated with them (fear, frustration, fatigue, disappointment, etc) as an opportunity to become a better, stronger person. This change helps us view challenges and stress not as something to survive, but an environment in which we can thrive in and become more. This stems from within our homes. So be the family who resets, does do-overs, and isn’t afraid to give it another go. Mistakes are a chance to reflect, refocus, and restart. And being able to learn and laugh at your own mistakes is a priceless life skill that will help our children in countless areas of their life. 

Be The Family Who Recognizes Effort And The Process

                We all want the prize, to win, to be recognized. It’s a natural goal and a common focus of today. So be the family who swims against this mindset. Your child’s hard work and effort (if it truly is their best) should be recognized. It is so much more important than the outcome. Because a bad outcome can be overcome with more hard work and genuine effort. Mastering that process of work is a skill set and it will help your child achieve anything they set their heart and mind to.

                This is especially important because young children’s thinking is so concrete. If we tell them “they’re so smart” or “so good at math” (which naturally we want to tell our children) they will believe it is just how things are. Then when something comes along that doesn’t come as easily and challenges this core belief of who they are (smart and good at math) they will give up with minimal to no effort. However, if we consistently recognize their effort and work, they will believe that is the secret to getting good at anything and will be far more likely to try when faced with a challenge.

Be A Family Who Focuses on Goal Setting (Big or Small)

                Goal setting is something we don’t naturally have, and some people never master it. I don’t know what it is to live your life with such reckless abandon, but I know my kiddos won’t ever have to find that out. So, give your child opportunities to set goals. Help them break those big goals, into smaller actionable time stamped steps, and then let the try. Don’t be accountable for their homework after a certain age. Grades are important in High School, it’s true, but the focus in the elementary years should be more on learning to go through the process of focusing, setting goals, and accomplishing them. Building that skill from wherever you are right now, will help you miles in the teenage years.

Be A Family Who Celebrates Success

                We want to celebrate our kids. It’s natural to take on pride as their accomplishments reflect our own efforts. But let your child guide the narrative. Get into the habit of asking them what they’re most proud of before sharing your two cents. That internal dialogue and reflection on what makes them feel good and what they consider success helps them become more independent and able to do things that make them proud rather than the common nomenclature of doing everything in their power to make their parents proud.

Be A Family Who Stays Grateful

                Sometimes our effort and work aren’t enough to make up for a rough patch or life dealing us a few curve balls. In those instances, an attitude of gratitude and being able to see the silver linings in any given situation makes all the difference between getting through with hope and giving into despair. So, make this a foundational element of your home. Practice it as much as you can for it truly will help your child persevere and find joy in the hardest of times.

                That's it! Little gold nuggets of wisdom to help you cultivate some truly precious skills in your household. You’ve got this Warrior parents. And we’ve got your back.

 #RaiseAWarrior 

Building Sound Relationships In Your Home

            If we think about the family as a unit, we can see that it is an ever-growing thing that needs to be capable of evolving and growing as our family does. In the beginning our children aren’t active participants but rather dependent ones. They need our unconditional love, trust, and care. As they grow our relationships need to build upon that initial foundation of trust and love and mature into a secure partnership. Then as we move beyond that stage and age even further the roles reverse, and we begin to depend on the children who once needed us. It’s a beautiful circle of life that happens all around us as time passes on. There are, however, ways to make it gracefully and successfully through each of these stages. So today we wanted to address some of the things you should constantly be doing with your family to strengthen yourself as a unit no matter the age or stage you’re going through.

Check In Frequently

            For us adults, change is slow in coming; but our children seem to literally change from one week to the next. One moment they’re obsessed with paw patrol and then it’s suddenly all about superheroes. Because our kiddos are constantly learning and growing it is essential that we prioritize one on one time with them. It’s important to have that connection, that ever-evolving knowledge of their individual ‘love map’ or what is important and the highlight of their life at any given moment.

Create Shared Memories

            The wonder of childhood is brief but there is so much magic and joy in it. The way our children are learning and interacting with the world is priceless. So, take advantage of those little things. Carve out time to regularly create moments of magic and memories. It doesn’t matter how big or small those moments are, they matter. I remember losing my teeth or having them pulled was exciting, but none as special as the time my mom convinced me to let her tie it to a door and slam it shut. That one was a lost tooth I’ll never forget. I also remember my first date vividly. It was with my dad, so he could teach me how a guy should act on a date. And I’ve measured every single date since then up to our Hastings get to know you trip and Red Lobster dinner.

The Importance of Tradition

            Each family is unique and quirky. This is a good thing! Nurture that togetherness and shared traditions now so its easier to maintain these habits of connectivity as your family grows. So eat dessert before dinner once a month. Be the family that feeds the ducks regularly, walks together after meals, or goes overboard on all the holidays. Be the family who is obsessed with board games, or puzzles, or Star Wars. Send family Christmas cards at a time other than Christmas. The world truly is your oyster and those traditions, those quirky and nerdy little things that make your family yours are the things your children will get to hold onto forever. I remember every Wednesday we used to do B.F.D. or breakfast for dinner. It was the best thing ever. We would hype it up and chant and spend all day excited to share that simple meal together. As we grew up and moved out it eventually stopped, but it’s one of those odd traditions I plan on carrying it on in our own family unit.

Freely Communicate

            We’ve shared how it’s important to connect with the individual members of our family. And that knowledge of them is so important, but we also must allow others to love us. So be a family who is open. Be the kind of family who isn’t afraid to communicate, even when it’s difficult. Be the family who openly shares fondness, gratitude, and admiration with each other regularly, while still also being the family who isn’t afraid of healthily managed conflict. Arguing and disagreeing aren’t innately a sign of weakness. In fact, it is a natural component of all relationships, but there are good, better, and best ways to handle them of course. So be the family who makes communication a priority. Be the family who constantly strives to create an atmosphere where each person feels safe and securely enough to speak honestly Being the kind of family who bottles up emotions and handles them alone is tempting, but it only hurts you all in the long run. So, lead by example and be the kind of family who is open no matter what, for good or for bad. 

    So there you have it! Four steps to a greater, more meaningful, and deeper connections with your loved ones. After all our family is priceless and the best thing we can give and invest in is sharing our time together.

 #RaiseAWarrior