Parenting and the 3 Pillars of Trust

                 I was reading an article from Harvard Business about managing people the other day and it got us thinking about parenting. What is parenting but an exercise in managing people? Albeit sometimes tiny illogical, and unreasonably emotional people, but our children are people none the less. Growing people who need guidance from a good leader. The kind of leader who doesn’t only show them the way forward but helps them understand the why. Because the why is empowering and it will allow your child to act similarly in the future when you aren’t there to guide them. So, if we look at parenting, like leadership, from a business or partnership model what is the currency that gives them worth or credit? The answer is trust.

Trust is the most essential form of capital that any good leader has and the same is true of parents. Our children trusting us is crucial to us being able to help shape them into being the best version of themselves. And trust is hard earned and easily lost. So today we’re going to break down trust into 3 core drivers. By simplifying this process, it will help us identify our strengths, identify our weaknesses, and improve from there. So, let’s look at the pillars of the trust triangle and what that looks like as a parent.

Logic: 

I know your reasoning and judgement are sound

                In the beginning our children have no choice but to trust our judgement, but as they grow this becomes less and less so which culminates in the wonderful pre-teen and teen “know it all years.” We shore up our child’s present and future trust in our logic by being consistent. You must trust your judgement and you must demonstrate that and a willingness to follow through. This wobble most often becomes evident in our household rules and disciplinary measures (or lack thereof). If you feel your relationship with your child is wobbling in this area, take a good look at how you make decisions, follow through with them, and meet out consequences. If they are haphazard your logic will also seem so. This is a pivotal area because we need our children to trust in our reasoning and judgement, so they are willing to come to us with life’s hard stuff. This won’t happen if you yell at them over chores not being done one day and then ground them for 3 weeks the next. This also doesn’t happen if you then reverse your 3-week grounding after 2-4 days because you realize it is more inconvenient for you and the family. And when you feel their trust wobbling in this area remember it is okay to acknowledge you don’t have all the right answers and be willing to apologize when you’ve done wrong. We’re human after all and our children are learning too.

Authenticity: 

I know and experience the real you

                We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it 10,000 more times. Your kids are watching and learning from you even when it seems like they aren’t. If they see you being one person in public and one person in private, you have an authenticity wobble and that will lead to its own realm of trust problems. Of course, we all give the people in the world different levels of ourselves. That is natural and normal even. What isn’t normal is when I am outside the home projecting that I am kind, patient, understanding, and the most even-tempered person in the world, but that within the “safety” of my home I am a ball of yelling, frustration, and quick to anger. Our children need to know you. The real you. They deserve to see and know and learn from that best version of you. They have to know that if we want to know the real person are child is in return.

Empathy: 

I know you care about me and my success

                It seems like this one should be an easy one. Of course, our children should know we think and care about them and their success. However, today’s modern workplace and lifestyle is increasingly distracting us and pulling at our attention almost 24/7. Looking at your past week I am sure you can see rampant examples of this. How often do we ask our child to hold on a moment while we finish on our phone, that we divide our attention and multi-task, or that we abruptly had to change plans because of work? Those buzzing devices are ever present in ours (and by proxy our family’s life) and they make multi-tasking all too easy. Your child recognizes and feels that split attention over time. If we don’t make conscious efforts to disconnect and assert our family’s importance you might be on track to an empathy wobble. This one is typically tricky for the parents who are naturally more analytic, and results or achievement driven. So, if you think your trust might be in danger of an empathy wobble step back and recert your child’s importance. Sometimes it is necessary to put the phone aside and be fully engaged. The costs if we do not are incomparable.

                We know that looking at these 3 pillars of trust can be hard. Any foray into self-awareness usually is, but if you have the resources look at your other close relationships. Which area do you wobble with them? Odds are the things you struggle with will be across most of your relationships. You’ve got this Warrior parents. Every day you try to be better than the day before is a good day in parenting.

#RaiseAWarrior