We know that relationships are not a static or stagnant state of being. They required consistent work and a lot of it. Of course, there is always an element of choice. We can choose to do the work and reap the benefits, or we can choose to rest on our laurels and see how long that lasts. Anyone who has an older child knows there is wisdom in choosing the first option. The grudgingly answered questions and the monosyllables or one-word answers are enough to drive anyone crazy. So today covers some great ways to ensure you and your child have a relationship of open communication. And the best thing is like all good goals, you can start from wherever you are today.
Connect To Know Their Heart
You can’t have open communication without a safe space of being known and being loved through the good and the bad. This sort of trust is built with lots of practice and takes time to nurture. You have to give your child room to say what they need to and you have to listen. Building this sort of trust requires you to ask “if they would like to talk” and then sit in silence. Let it build and let them pour out their heart if they choose too. Then don’t go into fix it mode. Be a safe place and sounding board for them to vent their concerns too. The act of speaking aloud our fears and concerns is a pivotal step in working through them. Your child (especially as they grow) don’t need you to solve everything. They just need you to be present and there for them and know if ever they have that need, you’d move heaven and earth to aid them.
Connect To Encourage Optimism
Our brains
are designed to detect threats to us. Young children aren’t really aware it’s
happening, but as we grow we realize our brain is really good at focusing and
fixating on the things that upset us or stress us out. However, as with all
things we need balance. When our mind gets stuck focusing on the bad, it seems
to be all we can find. We must actively chase the sunshine and see the good in
the spot of gray. This comes with practice. This isn’t to say focus on the
sunshine and rainbows when your kiddo is struggling, but don’t let them dwell
in that thought cycle. Let them vent the good the bad and the ugly. Be that
safe space. But always bring it back with a “what’s one thing you’re thankful
for today?” or a “did someone help you today?” This practice gives us space to
work through the rougher bits of our day, but then refocus on the good and
carry on from there.
Connect To Build Resiliency
This
one goes hand in hand with the message of the last one. Sometimes you feel like
you can’t turn a day around. It happens. When it does teach your child to shift
their focus; that goes a long way towards strengthening their beliefs in the
good around them and giving them the ability to be hardy and resilient in a
world that will sometimes knock their socks off. So, if it seems like your
child can’t refocus on the positive and carry on from their ask them “what can you
do tomorrow to make it great?” or “how can you help someone else today?”
Shifting the focus to another or to the future is more positive because helping
others feels good and goal setting is an entire belief based on the premise
that things can and will be better.
Connect For Emotional Intelligence
We live
in a culture that encourages us to tamp down the real us and only leave the
picture perfect for others to see. This shunning of talking about or even feeling
our emotions as a means of escape just leads to an inevitable build up and
blowout. Avoidance and denial are not the path to a happier more fulfilled
life. We want more for our children than the emotional stunted growth and
difficult relationships a lack of emotional intelligence leads to. Giving our
children room to work through those big feelings while knowing they are safe to
do so and unjudged during the process is so pivotal on this journey. If you
want to be the person, they come to when things get hard, you must be there and
present for the things that matter to them. Even if they seem small and
inconsequential to you in the moment. Remember there was once a time when the
betrayal of not being invited to little Sally’s birthday party, or your sibling
getting unfair treatment would have ruined your day too. When they go quiet ask
them “what are you feeling?” ask them to tell you about it and then wait. Give
them space to decide what to share and how quickly. Be a good listener.
Warrior
parents we get it. It is very easy for us to be caught up in all our duties,
the roles, and responsibilities we must do for everything and everyone. Our
children know they are loved. We don’t have to prove it to them every 4-6 hours…
right? The things you do are important. Work, commitments, extracurriculars,
and some down time for yourself are ALL important. But if you continually turn
away, or “not right now” your kiddo when they are needing your “yes” and for
you to turn towards there will be changes. You may not notice them right now,
but one day you’ll miss the days when they couldn’t wait to crawl in your lap
and tell you what school was like. Deep breath! Put the phone down and turn
towards your child today. Be the one who opens the door for better communication.
And if you’re in the older years hang in there. The monosyllable stage of your
relationship doesn’t last forever. You can communicate better and grow these
skills as a family. You’ve got this Warrior parents.
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