“I really thought you were more mature than that.”
“You make me disappointed and sad when you do that. Do you
really want to hurt my feelings.”
“Come on! I taught you better than that.”
“I expected more from you.”
Sound familiar?
Often as parents we use guilt trips to jump start our kids or spur them into action. And we get what we want. There may be some groaning, eye rolls, or even tears, but we usually get some kind of action. The question is at what cost? I mean every parent does it from time to time after all so how could it truly be. However, anytime we consistently use anything to obtain compliance there are always messages learned. There can be no cause without an effect. And whether you can see beyond this parenting instance or not is of little matter in the long run. We can’t give into knee jerk parenting. So today we’ll be looking at what kind of message guilt tripping sends our children (and even our spouse) and ways we can stop this cycle and improve from here on out.
Consider this comment…
“When you do (blank) it makes me really sad and disappointed.
Do you really want to hurt my feelings?” At one point we’ve all said something
similar. And why? We are intending to pull empathy from our child. We want them
to consider another’s feelings and in turn, elicit a guilty feeling in them
that will hopefully change behavior. But what messages does this statement
really send when used repeatedly?
#1) It teaches your child they are responsible for your
feelings (fun fact they are not)
#2) It teaches your child that you care more about your own
feelings than theirs (this is literally us modeling the opposite of empathy)
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Now when we look at it this way we can see that guilt
tripping definitely doesn’t have the effect we once hoped. So where do we go
from here? Here’s a quick action plan for ways to break free of this habit and
get what you want from your child in a better way.
Find the why:
What makes you resort to guilt tripping. Often
it is in those moments where we feel embarrassed by our child or that their
action reflects poorly on us as parents. We can own that feeling of
embarrassment. We have power over that. However, our child’s behavior and
decisions ultimately are their responsibility after a certain age. We are the
bumpers that guide them, but we cannot own everything they do.
Find a healthier way to communicate:
Guilt tripping stems
from us wanting a certain behavior to occur. But there are helpful and
unhelpful ways to share that. Focus on describing the behavior, how it affects
others, and talk about positive alternatives that you’re willing to try. Here’s
what that looks like in action.
“I did (blank) for you, you can’t even do (blank) for me?”
Try this...
“I see you have a lot of responsibilities. I know that is
hard to juggle. Maybe we can brainstorm a way to help make it happen better.”
Instead of family night going like this…
“You don’t want to do this with us? That makes me feel like
you don’t love us.”
Try this...
“I know you might not want to join us right now, but family
time is important. Would you like to help me pick the next activity?”
We know
that old habits die hard, but life is meant to be a journey of growth so don’t
be afraid to break outside your norm on this parenting journey. Just keep striving
to develop yourself in a positive manner. You’ve got this Warrior parents!
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