Have you ever asked your parents (good or bad) why they did something a certain way while you were growing up and they responded with the vague, apologetic response “I did my best”? I mean that whole response in and of itself is interesting to think about as a parent, doing our best. What does that truly mean? Does it mean we have a plan? Does it mean we are acting or merely reacting? Does it refer solely to our good intentions? Is there a method to “doing our best” or is it all just chaos theory wrapped up in minutia of choices we are forced to make in the heat of the moment? And if we are disregarding all that hypothetical speculation for a moment - if the situation was reversed and your now grown-up child is asking you the reasoning behind your parenting actions, would you want to merely respond with “I did my best.” Would that be enough for you? Would that be enough for your child? Is that enough for us to give them hypothetically in the future or in very reality now?
If this
brief monologue made you uncomfortable in any way take a time out and
acknowledge that feeling. Being uncomfortable is a cue that something doesn’t
sit right with us. It is a nudge and a hint that we should do better. And we’re
here to tell you that you can. You can always be a better parent, starting
today, from whatever season you’re in. Here’s how to not fall into common traps
that lead to the “I did my best” mentality.
If you fail to plan, plan to fail
Parenting
is an individual experience. And a lot of our parenting decisions and ideals
will stem from our very individual core values (if you haven’t checked that out
yet core values and a quick project to understand yours are check our previous
posts). What is important to you and your family must be created within the
atmosphere of your home. That doesn’t happen without some forethought. So take
some time discover your families core values and when making decisions in line
with who you are as a family and who you are trying to be. This is also a great
mindset for choosing between two good options.
Parenting is also a linear journey
with some standard milestones and hurdles that the average family units
encounter. Starting to figure out where you stand on issues (like dating,
curfews, sleepovers, cell phones, etc) before they come up allows you to have a
plan. This helps prevent inconsistencies in our parenting style and answers and
helps foster reliability and trust between all members of the family unit.
Bottom line have a plan! Without a
plan and some forethought, we can’t anticipate the consequences and are acting
purely in the heat of the moment. And snap decisions rarely help us achieve our
desired outcomes so do yourself and your kiddo a favor, have a plan, and be
flexible.
Realize the Ecolacy of Parenthood
Ecolacy is a principle of realizing
that we never merely do one thing. Every choice, and every action, has the
potential for long term effects greater than the initial cause and effect that
we can immediately perceive as possible. Parenthood is the same. All our thoughts,
our choices, our actions add up to something. Maybe not today but over the next
10 days, 6 month, 5 years it can easily become more apparent. Realizing this
discourages our self-delusion that the consequences are minimal because it
forces us to look further down the timeline. For example, does breaking this
one promise to our child this once truly make or break them? No. Over time
could it become a habit of grandiose words and disappointing actions that leads
to more permanent effects? Absolutely. Realizing this can help us find a better
way because we are looking beyond the moment. Perhaps we request a postpone on
the promise because something came up. Surely that is more beneficial than
hoping they don’t remember (fyi they always remember so don’t even try that one).
Realize that we are hardwired to act
As parents do you ever feel like
we’re just go, go, going all the time? We have convinced ourselves that motion
and action is good. After all those things lead to progress and so we fill our
schedules to the brim and rush through our day-to-day life. And even though we
are mentally and emotionally wiped by the end of it we tell ourselves it feels
good. Because we spent all day doing what felt like something. But a word of
caution. We live in a society that praises the hustle. The desire to fill our
schedule to the brim and constantly be on the go is an illusion of progress,
that feeds our ego, and shelters us from feelings of failure. Not all action is
good action and sometimes the best thing we can do is rest and make space for
unplanned activity or better yet inactivity.
View your choices as reversible or not
Some choices are minor, like what
your child chooses to wear for the day. But some are not so little. So if
you’re stuck on a parenting decision try viewing them as reversible or not? If
you don’t allow sleepovers and play dates outside the home right now is that
permanent or irreversible? If not don’t fret the small stuff. Reversible
decisions can be made now and revisited when there is more time to think about
it when you aren’t rushed or emotionally charged (pro tip: with older kids
saying “We can revisit this topic at a later date” lets them know you need more
time to think about it and that the initial decision could be changed).
There you have it Warrior parents.
Some words of wisdom to help you not use “I’m did my best” as an excuse, but
rather something you and your child will both confidently know and not need to
question. You’ve got this!
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