Do you ever revisit a part of your youth and find it too not
be the same? We recently encountered that while reading “The Giving Tree” by
Shel Silverstein. Who remembers this fondly as a heartwarming story? If you
read it again you might be surprised about how dark it gets. At it’s core this
is a story about a little boy who takes, and takes, and takes and a tree who
gives and gives until there is nothing left. At first glance the tree’s acts of
sacrifice seem noble, but we can also see that it leads to a very spoiled child
who takes selfishly without consideration of the cost. There are several
lessons for parents in this tale
It's Not Okay To Give
For Another Until It Hurts
As
parents we love our children unconditionally. No matter what they do, they will
always be ours and we will always want what’s best for them. What’s best for
them, however, should not come above all else. Our relationship dynamic with
our children are the first model of what relationships look like. We are
building the foundation for the rest of their lives, so it is imperative we
model a healthy one. Do we want our children to grow up and be the giver who
has no limits or boundaries? Do we want them to view a taker who doesn’t
contribute and always asks for more as a suitable relationship? Neither of
these seem like the goal when it comes to our child’s future meaningful
relationships. As parents we must show them that our giving isn’t endless and
that it doesn’t come at the cost of oneself. Self-sacrifice can be good
intermittently, but it is not sustainable long term in any relationship dynamic.
Taking Care Of Your
Own Needs Allows You To Give More
As
parents there are constant pulls on us no matter where we are in the day. Pulls
from work, school, the kids, your spouse, your family, the demands are never
ending. If we aren’t carefully attuned to our own needs all these demands can
quickly deplete our energy and resolve. We become irritable, easily frustrated,
less patient, less compassionate, and unwilling to look outside of ourself and
our own feelings. These emotional lows when we aren’t meeting our own needs are
actually the times we parent the worst. It's kind of like when the flight
attendants tell you “Please put your oxygen mask on before helping others.” The
same is true for us parents. If we are pushing all our wants, thoughts, needs,
and desires to the wayside to benefit our children we aren’t truly putting
ourselves in a position to help them. A little maintenance or fuel into our
sense of wellbeing allows us to maintain our parenting goals and be the parent
we are striving to be.
Generosity is better
than self-sacrifice
The
Giving Tree is the very emblem of self-sacrifice, and it also represents a
common mentality of parenting. Our present generation is working so hard to
ensure our children have the very best of everything, and ensure it is
different from our childhood that we might be missing the mark and swinging too
far the other way. Giving without abandon to every want and demand of the boy
didn’t make the boy a better human, or truly help him achieve much. Rather it
created a continuous cycle of selfishness where the boy had no shame in always
asking for more and had no thought on it’s impact to anyone other than himself.
Showing generosity towards our children is a parenting formula with a different
outcome. It puts the focus on helping others to bring joy to yourself. There is
a willingness to stop and serve, but also a healthy boundary that prioritizes
your needs right along with theirs. It is an attitude that strives not just to
give always, but also to help nurture that trait in others. It changes from
trying to move heaven and earth for a single individual, to taking care of
yourself so you can teach another how to be the change for good in the world so
that flow of positivity can occur long after we have become a memory.
Generosity would have been the tree sharing its apples, but also teaching the
little boy to plant the seeds so he could take care of himself in the future,
but also so others could benefit from it. It would have involved lessons of
consideration and compassion towards others and that would have stuck with the
boy long after the tree had no more to give. Generosity would have made a
lasting difference and the world a better place.
Are you a generous parent or a self-sacrificing one? Do you
take care of yourself so you can be the very best parent you can be? If not
there is always room to grow! You’ve got this Warrior parents.
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