Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde - Why Your Kid Acts Different At Home

 

                Do you ever hear someone tell you something overly positive about your child and all you can think is “Are you sure you’re talking about my kid?” And how could the tiny gremlin we know at home be such a rockstar out in the world? This phenomenon also happens within our home. Maybe one parent or grandparent get the Dr. Jekyll version of your kid and the other one feels like they’re stuck with someone wholly different and not unlike the infamous Mr. Hyde. So today we’re looking at some of the good and bad of why our children save their least desirable behavior for you (aren’t we lucky) and ways we can take steps to improve it.

The Good

Being Home is Being Safe: Our kiddos hopefully see home as a safe space and know they have our unconditional love. This makes our children feel more comfortable expressing all of their feelings and behaviors that they might have to repress and control throughout the day.

•  Ways to improve this: Continue to nurture those feelings of safety and security. Let your children know they have your unconditional love but begin to teach them a couple boundaries and that this is a gift not to be abused. Our families can take a lot, but they don’t deserve our very worst and we should work to be constantly improving our family ties and not just using them as a punching bag at our whim.

The Not So Good

Home Lacks Structure: For our school aged children their days are full of a lot of structure and predictability (much like our own workdays which is why we often feel more collected and in control during those hours versus the ones when we are back at home in full parent mode). They don’t really have to be flexible or adaptive and they know what is required of them. At home can be a different story. Some days free time is an unscheduled free for all, but when a play date or guests are involved suddenly the expectation of their free time is now changed.

• Ways to improve this: Set the expectation from the start of the day by getting your family involved in your plans. When they wake up remind them what the plan is for the day and when you pick them up from whatever activities re-iterate the game plan and take some time to hear their expectations of the outing vs yours so you can be more on the same page and meet in the middle.

Family is Easier to Manipulate: The good thing is we know our family well. The bad things is also we know our family well. Our kiddos know exactly your triggers and what pushes your buttons. A part of learning and growing involves a fair amount of pushing boundaries and disobedience. This is worse so if there is a lack of accountability or un-equal relationship dynamic between parents, co-parents, grandparents, etc. Children like sharks can sense that sort of weakness and will pit you against each other for their benefit.

•  Ways to improve this: Do not undermine each other when your kids can see. If you feel one parent or family member is being too harsh or too lenient setup a code phrase like “I like your shoes” or “Can we talk about this privately first.” This buys you space and time to come to a plan you both agree on without your kid pushing buttons in the middle. Working through your individual parenting triggers, weaknesses, and strengths in a self-reflective manner also helps improve this personally and make it less easy for your child to get you riled up or push your buttons (whether they are doing that purposefully or not).

Discipline Is Inconsistent: Throughout your child’s structured day discipline and the escalation of consequences is based on a stepped interval and at expected moments. Your child knows what will happen when they break rule X, Y, or Z so that helps them pause and consider the consequences before acting out. The same cannot be said for in the home.

• Ways to improve this: Your discipline should be predictable, well explained, and have complete follow through by all parties involved. Think about how we handle it on the mat. All students know not only the punishment for any misbehavior, but the expectation of behavior set for them. It is an expectation we follow ourselves and they know that all the instructors will discipline the exact same way according to the action that occurs. It is predictable and they understand not just the reasoning behind it but every time they are counseled and must think for themselves where they went wrong and how it can be improved. There is never yelling, shaming, or criticizing. Discipline is used as a basis to improve and educate. It is done with compassion and good rapport. There are no weak links or inconsistencies. Fixing these recognizable weaknesses in your home discipline plan will go a long way towards improving this behavior pattern and your relationship as a whole.

    Hang in there Warrior parents. We know childhood is marathon event and not a sprint. Take moments to celebrate the good and plan to improve the not so good. And don’t forget - if you are struggling with particular issues at home we are here to help.

 #RaiseAWarrior