Growth Mindset – Changing the “I Can’t” to “I Can!”

                Sometimes things, like school, come easily to our children. This often feels like a blessing because our job is so much easier when our children are naturally gifted don’t really have to work hard to get it down. And it feels like a blessing until the day it stops happening and then we realize what a curse that natural gift can turn into. Because all that easy success leads to our children never experiencing not automatically having something down within the first few tries. And that is the end of the world as we know it because the lack of practice at problem solving also means they don’t know how to cope with this new realization. Suddenly “I don’t know how” turns into “I can’t” and everyone feels frustrated beyond belief and stuck. Naturally gifted children can develop a fixed mindset and have their success crumble in the face of these standard roadblocks if they aren’t properly prepared. So here are ways to instill and cultivate a growth mindset. This is a trait necessary for the kids that are naturally good at certain things and the ones who always seem to struggle with mastering new tasks.

Growth and Fixed Mindset - What is the difference?

A fixed mindset focuses on the outcome only. Can I do it or can I not. A growth mindset, however, is cultivated on the belief that anything can be learned and improved on, if you’re willing to work at it. A growth mindset shifts our attention from the outcome and rather to the effort and journey of reaching the outcome. It allows us to recognize we don’t know something or can’t do it yet, but that success can be found if we are hardworking and willing enough. Because life isn’t rainbows and unicorns, your child needs a growth mindset in order to push through the roadblocks and obstacles that life will inevitably throw at them. A growth mindset also allows your child to see every problem as an opportunity to try something new. This mindset allows your growing child to push the boundaries and fully meet their potential. It definitely sounds like a growth mindset is the way to go, but how do we promote this in our home.

Praise the right things

                As parent’s we praise our children regularly, but if we focus on the wrong things, we can miss the mark and unwittingly set our child up for disappointment and frustration in the future when they have difficulty. We should not be praising the outcome of our children’s action. It isn’t winning the game, the high grades, or the belt itself that should be our focus. We should praise them for all it took them to get there. Praise their work ethic, praise their dedication, their perseverance, their tenacity. Praise and celebrate the growth and all the work that it took to get them there. Greatness doesn’t happen by accident. It is a direct correlation to your child’s willingness to work and grow. Don’t expect or celebrate perfection. Celebrate what it took to get where they are today. This kind of praise instills and encourages a growth mindset that will help your child in the future more than the standard fluff well-meaning parents tend to focus on.

 

Change your family view of failure

                Just like we need to be conscious of the way we praise, we need to be more conscious about the way we correct and view failure. To fail is to be human. It is not the end all, be all, and failure isn’t a reflection of us as an individual, but rather our work itself. And sometimes we will work hard and have a bad day or the other person worked a little bit harder. That loss isn’t a reflection that we failed or didn’t do enough. Our efforts still brought us growth and that should be celebrated. Failure sucks but we should use it as motivation and a roadmap that shows us what we would like to do better in the future. We can only do that if we have a growth mindset and do not attribute that failure as a part of our identity. The same is true for mistakes. Mistakes are small failures and too often we teach our children that mistakes are bad. So be conscious of how you react to your child’s mistakes and failures. Empathize with their frustrations and feelings but also shift the focus back towards the effort and work that occurred and what we can do differently in the future.

Let them have space to practice

                Modeling the appropriate focus of praise and response to failure is a powerful start to boosting your child’s mindset. Once this has become a comfortable routine in your home give them space to practice and nourish this mindset within themselves. We can’t guarantee we will always be there to praise them and help build up their confidence after a mess up. It’s important to guide your kiddo through this process by asking things like:

What did you do well?

What would you do differently next time?

What can we learn from this to help us in the future?

Helping them work through these questions with a little prompting ensure they are internalizing the mindset and that when things are hard they will be able to self sooth and work through their emotions, dynamically redirect their focus and keep on growing no matter the setbacks.

    Looking for practical ways to get into the practice of this? Try to watch your kiddo on the mat! Find one Warrior trait or thing they did well that you can focus your praise on at the end of class. Start asking them what they think went well and open a discussion about what could be done better next time so they can continue to improve.  You’ve got this Warrior parents. And we’re here to help

 #RaiseAWarrior 

Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde - Why Your Kid Acts Different At Home

 

                Do you ever hear someone tell you something overly positive about your child and all you can think is “Are you sure you’re talking about my kid?” And how could the tiny gremlin we know at home be such a rockstar out in the world? This phenomenon also happens within our home. Maybe one parent or grandparent get the Dr. Jekyll version of your kid and the other one feels like they’re stuck with someone wholly different and not unlike the infamous Mr. Hyde. So today we’re looking at some of the good and bad of why our children save their least desirable behavior for you (aren’t we lucky) and ways we can take steps to improve it.

The Good

Being Home is Being Safe: Our kiddos hopefully see home as a safe space and know they have our unconditional love. This makes our children feel more comfortable expressing all of their feelings and behaviors that they might have to repress and control throughout the day.

•  Ways to improve this: Continue to nurture those feelings of safety and security. Let your children know they have your unconditional love but begin to teach them a couple boundaries and that this is a gift not to be abused. Our families can take a lot, but they don’t deserve our very worst and we should work to be constantly improving our family ties and not just using them as a punching bag at our whim.

The Not So Good

Home Lacks Structure: For our school aged children their days are full of a lot of structure and predictability (much like our own workdays which is why we often feel more collected and in control during those hours versus the ones when we are back at home in full parent mode). They don’t really have to be flexible or adaptive and they know what is required of them. At home can be a different story. Some days free time is an unscheduled free for all, but when a play date or guests are involved suddenly the expectation of their free time is now changed.

• Ways to improve this: Set the expectation from the start of the day by getting your family involved in your plans. When they wake up remind them what the plan is for the day and when you pick them up from whatever activities re-iterate the game plan and take some time to hear their expectations of the outing vs yours so you can be more on the same page and meet in the middle.

Family is Easier to Manipulate: The good thing is we know our family well. The bad things is also we know our family well. Our kiddos know exactly your triggers and what pushes your buttons. A part of learning and growing involves a fair amount of pushing boundaries and disobedience. This is worse so if there is a lack of accountability or un-equal relationship dynamic between parents, co-parents, grandparents, etc. Children like sharks can sense that sort of weakness and will pit you against each other for their benefit.

•  Ways to improve this: Do not undermine each other when your kids can see. If you feel one parent or family member is being too harsh or too lenient setup a code phrase like “I like your shoes” or “Can we talk about this privately first.” This buys you space and time to come to a plan you both agree on without your kid pushing buttons in the middle. Working through your individual parenting triggers, weaknesses, and strengths in a self-reflective manner also helps improve this personally and make it less easy for your child to get you riled up or push your buttons (whether they are doing that purposefully or not).

Discipline Is Inconsistent: Throughout your child’s structured day discipline and the escalation of consequences is based on a stepped interval and at expected moments. Your child knows what will happen when they break rule X, Y, or Z so that helps them pause and consider the consequences before acting out. The same cannot be said for in the home.

• Ways to improve this: Your discipline should be predictable, well explained, and have complete follow through by all parties involved. Think about how we handle it on the mat. All students know not only the punishment for any misbehavior, but the expectation of behavior set for them. It is an expectation we follow ourselves and they know that all the instructors will discipline the exact same way according to the action that occurs. It is predictable and they understand not just the reasoning behind it but every time they are counseled and must think for themselves where they went wrong and how it can be improved. There is never yelling, shaming, or criticizing. Discipline is used as a basis to improve and educate. It is done with compassion and good rapport. There are no weak links or inconsistencies. Fixing these recognizable weaknesses in your home discipline plan will go a long way towards improving this behavior pattern and your relationship as a whole.

    Hang in there Warrior parents. We know childhood is marathon event and not a sprint. Take moments to celebrate the good and plan to improve the not so good. And don’t forget - if you are struggling with particular issues at home we are here to help.

 #RaiseAWarrior 

 

 

Things We Shouldn't Be Teaching Our Child This Back To School Season

 

                We teach our children so much by our words and actions. We also teach them a lot of things that are shaped by our thoughts intentional or not. So here are some less than optimal things you may be teaching your child without always realizing it. As we gear up for back-to-school time it’s important to have some of these on your radar.

Don’t be different

                We would never say this to our child of course, but sometimes our actions speak louder than words. This especially comes out during back-to-school shopping. How much time and money do we invest helping our child be like every one else. How many times do we cave to our child’s demands because it’s easier and they are whining that “everyone else has one” or “because everyone is doing it.” It is a delicate balance. We do not want our child to always be an outsider looking in, but we also do not want our child to do or want something simply because it’s popular. When your child brings up the point that “everyone else has one” or “is doing it” take time to talk this through. Find out if your child really likes this new trend or if they are worried about feeling left out. Encourage self-expression, style, and interests because it is an important part of your child’s growing identity. And above all make sure to help your child learn to make their own good choices regardless of whether it is popular or not.

Just follow the rules

                Another delicate balance. Society needs rules and people who will follow them. And our entire modern school system is largely built upon and meant to encourage rule following. Far too often as parents or adults in general we default to the adage “because I said so.” Why - because in the heat of the moment we literally can’t sometimes and just need our child to do as their told. This cannot be our default, however. No rule should go unquestioned. Our children need to look for ways to discern a “good rule” from a not, and those unjust rules should be challenged, even if it’s a rule that we made for them.

Childhood is your time for fun

                Of all the harmful things we could teach our children, this probably seems like an odd choice. Like all things in life, a delicate balance is needed. It can be just as detrimental to overemphasize a child’s need for a carefree like just as it can be bad to encourage your child to take things to seriously. Pushing for a carefree life underestimates the healthy need for our child to begin taking some responsibility and accountability for themselves. It is easy for us to want to give our children the most carefree summer possible because you only get to be a child once. But there are life skills your child will need to make a way in the world in which we live. Chores should not be burdensome, but they are a part of a learning, growing, and healthy childhood. The same goes for the other end of the spectrum. School matters and it matters a lot; however, we are a generation who is struggling with work life balance. School isn’t mean to be the most important thing in a child’s life and our overemphasis on that can lead to our child not learning how to be attuned to their needs, their health, and their well-being.

                So as you get your kid back to school ready consider the things you want your child to learn during this time. It is okay to stand out from the crowd for the right reasons, we should not blindly follow the rules, and childhood is a time of fun, but we all have a part to do and it is important to work hard and play hard. You’ve got this Warrior parents! School is just around the corner.

 #RaiseAWarrior 

The Student Creed and You

 

Every class begins with us paying attention, giving respects (to ourselves, our instructors, our teammates), and saying the student creed. We do this to remind ourselves (and that goes for all of us, even Sifu and the other instructors) our goals for the class and in life. The student creed is like a moral compass for who we are trying to be. And it can also be a pretty useful reminder and tool for off the mat and in your homes. Today we wanted to look closer at the student creed, what it means to your Warrior, and how you can use it to your advantage.

I am a Warrior!

                We teach them that to say “I am” because even when we’re having a hard time this is the core of who we are and who we want to be. Saying it is a form of accountability. We are reminding ourselves and others that this is who we are. We don’t just get to pick and choose when we want to be a Warrior. It isn’t based purely on convenience, or when we feel like it, but rather it is always a part of us. This is important because it means they will be a Warrior at home too. Then we begin to teach them who a Warrior is. Using the examples of their heroes we talk about Warriors being helpers and protectors. Warriors are the medical team fighting against disease, the teachers fighting against illiteracy and the police officers fighting against bad guys. Warriors are found in a family unit looking out for each other. Warriors exist in the big and little things every day and in every capacity.

I will fight for what’s right!

                I just love the statement “I will”. It isn’t a halfhearted “I’ll try” but rather an all-committed promise. You don’t get to sort of be a warrior who protects and helps others. You must be all in. So as your Little Warrior’s understanding grows so does their knowledge of what they stand for and against. For your Little Warriors this means fighting for what’s right and this is a huge all encompassing ideal. To fight for what’s right is to remind your Little Warrior to – be a good friend, say no to bullying, tell the truth, work hard, be a good sport, and so, so much more. Re-iterate and nurture these sentiments at home. Recognize when they are “fighting for what’s right” and doing better than before. Re-iterating that language and mentality on and off the mat will only help to strengthen that mindset. 

I will be brave, honorable, and respectful!

                This one is important because it recognizes that doing the right thing and being a Warrior isn’t always easy. It acknowledges that sometimes your child won’t feel very brave, will consider doing the wrong thing, and acting out in ways that are less than respectful. We all have those moments of weakness and often consider responding in a less than optimal way throughout the day. Letting your growing Warrior know these feelings occur and can be acknowledged while still doing the right thing is a powerful lesson. Because even though they are afraid your Warrior will be brave. Even though they considered being dishonest they can and will be honorable. And even in moments of frustration and anger we can and will be respectful to others, even when we don’t like them.

                The Student Creed is something your kiddo uses in class to re-orient themselves to who we are and what we do. Those lessons don’t have to stop on the mat. Don’t hesitate to use these phrases as reminders of who they are and who they are working to become. Thank them for doing the right thing. Acknowledge that even though they were afraid they were also brave. And gently remind them that they are a Warrior when they start heading down a path of less than Warrior like behavior. After all, the mindset, courtesy, respect, and discipline are just as important as the self defense and physical health benefits. You’ve got this Warrior parents. And we’re here to help!

 #RaiseAWarrior 

                                       

Slowing Down Time

    We say “time flies” all the time. And boy does it seem to fly faster with every single passing day, especially as a parent. I’m not really sure what happened. We used the same clocks during B.C. (before children) years, but we seem stuck on fast forward now. And while we are not Dr. Strange or capable of messing with any of that time business there are ways to be more present and engaged, ways to savor and find joy in the moments. While that doesn’t stop or put a pause on these childhood milestones, it can make that time slow down and seem more meaningful. So here are some good ways to work some magic

Learn the stage and invest:

                When we were brand new parents we were obsessed with every single developmental stage and milestone our infant was going through and nearing. When did we stop treating childhood like that? Our children no matter their age are still learning and growing just as we are. Take time to learn about what stage they’re in and the hurdles they must overcome. Marvel at the magic of these moments again. It helps keep the focus on what really matters.

Do Less:

                We tend to feel a pressure to act and overbook ourselves. Our time off with our family is sacred time. And no one will respect it if we don’t prioritize it that way. Stop scheduling every single weekend and spare moment. Take time to enjoy spontaneity with your family. Create little rituals like “pajama day” (where the goal is to not put on real clothes all day), breakfast for dinner, or regular family game nights. And then guard those moments and prioritize them fiercely.

Be Present and Engage:

                We must be present for our kiddos both mentally, physically and emotionally. Meeting this might mean something as small as unplugging from our devices during certain hours of the day or by not multi-tasking. These two things are big hinders in our ability to focus and truly take moments to look and listen to our child for the cues they are giving us verbally or not. Find unique ways to engage. Get to know and spend time with them, their interests, their passions, and their friends.

Focus on the positive:

                Sometimes it is easy to feel like you’re losing your baby day by day. That sweet bundle you held in your arms that first day. The little one you watched take their first wobbling steps and ride their bike. Those thoughts can hurt your parents heart and steel the job of this moment by focusing on moments already gone. We tell our kids on the mat “keep your hands up” all the time. It is a mantra we repeat almost like a broken record. And the reason we say that instead of “Don’t drop your hands” is simple. We are reinforcing the positive. So don’t focus on the moments already gone or that you’ve let pass you bye. Remember them but focus on the present. Focus on the positive that you are preparing your child. Preparing your child to grow, to lead an amazing life, do great things, and raise a family of their own. And that is an amazing journey you have already begun.

 

These tips might not quite give you powers over time, but it just might make your time with your family a little richer. Until next time keep up the great work!

  #RaiseAWarrior 

Instructor Spotlight: Miss Brianna

 

Ms. Bri IS AWESOME! 

She is one of our teens class students and while she hasn’t gotten her Black Belt she is a firecracker who will crush anything she sets her mind too. We love to see her light up the mat with her smile and share her time and skills with our students

 

Ms. Bri strives to teach our Little Warriors:

"The factors of being polite and kind to each other."

 

The kiddos love Ms. Bri because:

She is always smiling

She has an amazing energy that the kids absolutely love

She always has a joke to share or time to be silly with the kids

Her happiness is contagious

 

A few of Ms. Bri’s favorite things:

     Miss Bri is a big anime fan. She loves watching My Hero Academia and Demon slayer. She has the cutest pet hedgehog and loves to paint in her free time. Her mom is her hero because “I’ve been with her forever and always looked up to her.” She has the brightest, happiest personality, but don’t let it fool you. Miss Bri loves to spar and work on her boxing. And she isn’t afraid to give it as good as she’s got. We love her tenacity on the mat. She isn’t one to back down from a challenge and that optimism and confidence is something she shares with her students.

 #RaiseAWarrior 

 

 

 

 

How To Motivate Your Child

 

We’re getting closer to the middle of summer and there are two things we might notice around this time. It feels impossible to get our kids to do anything and we have lost all semblance of structure. This can be concerning as we look forward to the blessed but also dreaded transition back to school with all its routines and structure. This week we are diving into what truly motivates your child and how to make this work in your favor.

External vs Internal Motivators

                This isn’t a new concept by any means, but just in case we will briefly summarize. External motivators are things outside of you that encourage you to do the thing. This could include rules, rewards, consequences, praise, nagging, behavior charts, etc. And this “carrot and stick” approach may work for a time, but it doesn’t offer long term success. Intrinsic motivation on the other hand is doing something because you want to, and you enjoy it. Your child won’t always have that internal motivation, but you can help them internalize those behaviors and inspire them to more. Here’s how…

 

Stop trying to motivate them the traditional way

                All of your pushing often has the opposite effect you desire. I mean think about it. When someone is pushing and pressuring you to do something does it make you more inclined to do their bidding or do you want to dig your heels in? Your kids are the same way. It’s okay to recognize that they might not enjoy the activity or chore. We all are that way. Sometimes those things must be done and sometimes we just need to stop trying to push our dreams onto them.

Stop being controlling

                Being a controlling parent does not motivate our children. No amount of pressure or offered incentive can make an activity more enjoyable. Giving them a bit of autonomy and the freedom to take initiative might just be the thing they need. If martial arts is not their thing that is fine, BUT (and this is a big BUT as we see too many families fall into this trap) they have to be enrolled in one physically enriching activity. The choice shouldn’t be going to martial arts or staying home to play video games. A child is immature and will choose to play over work, growth, and development, almost every single time. I mean heck even we would do that if given the choice with no immediate consequences. That isn’t the choice you should offer but exploring their interests can be. Try giving your kiddos the reins a little bit and see where they want to go, within a confined boundary of course. They may try things and hate it, or try and fail, but falling is an inevitable part of learning to walk. And investing in the wrong activity for a few months won’t inevitably harm your child or their life’s trajectory.

Cultivate a growth mindset

                Our children are always learning from us. If we aren’t challenging ourselves or regularly looking for opportunities to grow why would our child? We must model the enjoyment of the journey and be lifelong learners. Learning new skills, constantly betting ourselves, mastering things we previously couldn’t dream of doing are good for us and good for our kids to see. Growing shouldn’t stop at any age so explore new interests and new subjects regularly as a family and as individuals. Help them understand that talent isn’t fixed, but malleable. Skills and mastery all depends on their willingness to practice and do the hard work.

Teach them to internalize the importance of tasks

                Some activities no matter how you look at it do not lend themselves well to enjoyment. Take chores for example. No matter how you look at it they aren’t something that necessarily spark joy (now if they do for you, please contact the front desk as my house could benefit from your joy), but they are important activities. Help your child grasp the meaning and worth of doing the things they don’t like. Hard work (no matter it’s form) is worthwhile. Practicing hard is a critical and necessary part of becoming good at anything. Chores are hardly anyone’s favorite thing, but they do give us a nice home and the space to lead the life we want to with each other. Work can be hard, but we know it has meaning. Help them internalize that lesson and they will be more willing to get on board with it and do what is needed. 

                The good thing about these lessons is they are great no matter the age of your family and worth revisiting. We could all use a bit of motivation and what better way to get that ball rolling than to work as a team with all the people you love the most. You’ve got this Warrior parents! We believe in you!

 #RaiseAWarrior 

Instructor Spotlight: Mr. Aaron

  

Mr. Aaron IS AWESOME! 

He’s been a student of ours since he was little and is one of our Junior Black Belts. We are excited to see him join his brother on the mat and share his passion of the martial arts with a whole new generation of Warriors.

 

Mr. Aaron strives to teach our Little Warriors:

"How to become better."

 

The kiddos love Mr. Aaron because:

He is super patient with his students

He is a bit of a goof ball and enjoys hanging out and getting to know them

He is a fellow gamer

He is a calmer, quieter energy they feel comfortable with

A few of Mr. Aaron’s favorite things:

     Mr. Aaron is friendly and loves just hanging out with the students and his fellow instructors. He is a big fan of gaming on the computer and cheese fries. He is always down to talk computer games and enjoys working on dynamic trapping and kicks. He is currently working on the adult  

 

A little bit more about Mr. Aaron:

     Mr. Aaron and all the men in his family (to include his big brother Mr. Alex and his dad) train at Warrior’s Way. We are grateful to have a long-time relationship with them all and be a part of their journey. 

#RaiseAWarrior 

Screen Time For Parents

                We live in a uniquely media saturated time. Everyone has a phone (or two), and we are always connected 24/7. This has led to a lot of good- like always having a camera or the ability to record a video and capture a memory forever at your fingertips; but it has also come with a price. Some of these costs we realize, like society normalizing the expectation that you be available at all times of the day, for work, for friends, and for your family. However, some of the costs aren’t as readily apparent. Since the reality is we won’t be dropping our phones anytime soon here are some things you should be conscious of while responding to the never-ending cycle of updates and messages that come throughout the day.

It impacts our parenting

                Every generation of parents has its own trials to overcome and this one is ours. We live in an era where continuous partial attention is the norm. Letting our phones interrupt us and pull our attention from what we are doing is practically instinctual now. In fact, go ahead and try it. When your phone goes off don’t look. Can you wait 10, 15, 30 minutes or more? I think you might find it interesting how hard pressed you are to delay looking at your device when it goes off. Our response has become habitual.

This lifestyle of continuous split attention doesn’t just harm us, but also our children. Parenting which has long been an emotional cued and responsive system is now disrupted. We are constantly present physically, but are we truly available and invested mentally and emotionally?

It makes us unhappier

                This lifestyle we have bought into has us stuck in the digital equivalent of an unending spin cycle. Our daily life is built around the premise that we are always on – always working, always parenting, always available to our spouses, our parents, and anyone else who might need us. And what a miserable premise that can be. That’s in addition to having the ability and expectation to always be remembering, staying on top of our household, the news, and what everyone else is doing. Walking to the car? Better order more toilet paper from Amazon. Gone are the moments of quite introspection. Had a thought? Your phone’s vibrating probably stole your attention away and it’s gone forever now. Not to mention the perfectionistic pressure of everyone’s supposed achievements, milestones, and happiness bombarding us 24/7. I mean what about all that truly makes us happier, more in the moment, and grateful?

It is an easy issue to ignore

                As parents we like to think we are always on and looking for ways to parent better. While this seems productive, we must be cautious that we aren’t projecting. For example, being middle aged and overweight myself, it is easier to obsess over my dog’s caloric intake and restrict her diet than heaven forbid address my own food regimen and habits. It’s a classic case of projection – or the psychologically defensive displacement of one’s failings onto another. Don’t we do the same thing when we are obsessive over our child’s screen time? It feels productive and good. After all we are helping them be better, right? Plus it’s much easier to focus on their habits than realizing our own might also be a problem spot that needs improving.

                Now this doesn’t mean we are condemning you for buying into our device focused culture they are pretty handy, and we aren’t ready to boycott them yet. We are merely seeking to awaken you to the realities and impacts you might not always be willing to recognize. Every action (or inaction) has a cause and effect. And we aren’t always in charge of that outcome. Merely our choices. You’ve got this Warrior parents! Every day is an opportunity to be better than the day before!

P.S. Stay tuned for more great lessons on parenting screen time and why it matters to you and your kiddos as we dive into this topic this month.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Healthy Habits During A Less Than Structured Summer

    I don’t know about you, but a slow weekend is the bane of my health goals. I am really good about meal prepping, lunch packing, and having a plethora of healthy snacks at the ready as I go about my work week. Like I am a goal crusher. And some weekend’s when we’re jam packed with activities, I can keep up that momentum and say no to fast food. I’ve found it’s the slow weekends that get me. The weekends of no plans where there is a surprising amount of free time. And in those moments, I find myself, and my family aimlessly taking multiple trips to the fridge and pantry.

                Now don’t get me wrong. Snacks aren’t inherently bad, and they are a great mini meal to bridge those gaps between meals and keep hunger and energy levels from dipping to low. However, maybe it’s just our household, but I feel snacks literally disappear into thin air. Because all that unsupervised snacking turns into a grazing mentality. And habitual grazing and snacking is not the kind of food habits we want or need to model for our children.  

Reality Check: What is Grazing?

                Grazing is what occurs when snacks are readily available upon demand. Grazing is a habit of constant snacking, and it can be more trouble than we realize. Because grazing doesn’t rely on us being intuitive to what our body needs. We don’t rely on the internal cues like hunger, fatigue, or irritability. Instead, our food intake becomes based on external cues like: habitual actions (think siting down to watch TV or game), it being readily available, it coming into our sight line, someone else snacking, walking through the kitchen, etc. It leads to eating on autopilot and without thought. And mindless actions are not often a positive thing.

Ways to Improve

1.       Identify your triggers: At what times of day do you find you or the members of your family unconsciously reaching for a treat? Do you reward yourself for doing a minor inconvenience? Do you habitually make a stop on the way home from school? Do certain times or activities of your day always involve food? Can you watch TV or scroll through TikTok without a snack? Identifying the times that you mindlessly begin snacking helps you set a better example and then enables you to tackle your families’ habits on a broader scale.

2.       Create a predictable schedule: If you think about it we all tend to get hungry or need a snack at very specific times. These moments are typically the mid or lull points of our day. Use that predictability to your advantage and become more rigid about the timing of your meals and snacks. This predictability will create a habitual rhythm of eating that will help even on the less structured weekend days where we don’t have standard things breaking up our day. Make your meals and snacks that constant standard thing.

3.       Give a heads up when things are outside the norm: You know when dinner will be late or if you have evening plans. Get the whole family on board accordingly and work together. If you normally have dinner at 6pm but won’t until 7pm today let everyone know and remind them they might want a bigger after school snack to tide them over. Managed expectations help keep the majority of the grumbles at bay no matter your age (don’t believe us? Try it with your partner).

4.       The Open/Closed Kitchen Mindset: One of the things that makes grazing so easy is the food readily being available and without any structure or consequence. So consider treating your kitchen like a restaurant that only operates within certain hours. Using a phrase like “the kitchen is closed” is an easy phrase and mindset that helps your whole family make healthier choices about eating and snacking. Start by thinking about your most common habitual snack and mealtimes. These are good and natural times for the kitchen to be open. Be present during this time. Work through making good choices together. Then after a certain amount of time “close the kitchen.” This let’s your family know the kitchen is a off limit’s space right now. At first you might think this a bit harsh but in reality, it is merely a boundary and if presented by ensuring your family the next timing of a meal or snack they will be reassured that this isn’t an end of the world ordeal. That doesn’t mean your family will love the idea but the accountability and habits it helps build are much more productive towards a healthy and wholesome lifestyle and relationship with food.   

5.       Allow reasonable choice: This requires a special sort of balance. Giving your child a voice in food preference and amounts gets them involved and interested in trying new things, but too much choice leads to a spoiled and picky eater. A good rule of thumb to help your is to offer two or three choices within the same category. For example: giving your child the choice of starch (like beans, sweet potato, or corn) for a side with dinner or offering a fruit smoothie or apple with peanut butter for a snack is a far better game plan than the open-ended black hole battleground of “what would you like to eat?” After all, when we are given the same choice our first instinct isn’t necessarily a healthy one.

    Now it’s time to plan and invoke some more intentional parenting! We hope these food boundaries help you and your family be healthier now and help your child grow up with a health relationship with food. You’ve got this Warrior parents!

#RaiseAWarrior 

What Is Shaping Our Children?

 

                We’ve all heard the age-old adage you are what you eat. I prefer the saying you are what you constantly surround yourself with. Because all the things we love to do and spend our time focused on have power. Power to shape and influence us and this power comes in many forms; from the friends we sit with, the shows we watch, and yes even the music we listen to.  This is only multiplied in today’s age, with the power of the internet in our pockets with us wherever we go. There is an endless array of influences, but not all of them necessarily have your child’s best interest at heart. So here are some things that are shaping your child’s worldview and ways to be more cautious and conscious about their impact.

Video Games

It is common knowledge to check video game ratings and question the amount of violence and screen time we allow our children to partake in under the guise of fun. But video game culture has been changing and so has it’s influence on our children. Here are some sticky things that might be on your radar, but you should consider watching for it not

Interacting with strangers: Most popular games right now have an interactive, online, social component. This allows your child to instantly connect with all kinds of children and predators. Online gaming requires more monitoring than the previous standards. Frequently check in with your child for signs of grooming, your child being bullied or taking part in bullying. Discuss online safety regularly and what information is okay to share/believe and what is not. And if your parenting Spidey sense is alerting you in any way consider pulling the plug (literally) on online platforms period. There is too much bad out there to let their online interactions occur without some guidance and without monitoring. Another way to ensure these interactions are safe is to move all gaming systems to public areas and not allow headsets. It can be annoying to hear the constant stream of chatter, but it also allows you to keep an eye quite literally on what is happening.

Celebrity gamers: This is a newer concept that continues to gain traction in the hearts and minds of young gamers. Used to kids wanted to grow up to be doctors, nurses, firefighters, teachers, or professional athletes. Today’s generation still has those but also the increasingly common goals of “influencer, professional gamer, YouTube celebrity, or become viral.” While these are more readily becoming careers it is important to monitor which celebrities your child is following. Your child looks up to them and is readily trying to imitate them. Some of these celebrities are quite abrasive regularly “yelling, cussing, and mocking the poorer players.” If that isn’t the kind of person you want your child to look up to and emulate you might want to take a more conscious stance on monitoring who their favorite Youtubers are.

Streaming Services

Streaming services have spoiled us. Used to waiting a week or more for a new episode was the normal and we would eagerly gather as a family to watch the newest one together. Now when a new show release we are done with it in a week or less and heaven forbid a show like Mandalorian makes us wait a week between episodes. That is so old school now. We are a culture who has become used to having readily available content and the ability to binge watch countless shows at our leisure. And while we can separate reality from fiction when enjoying a show our children haven’t always gained that necessary skill. Our children shouldn’t be learning how to date, handle conflict, etc from TV shows or movies. And don’t even get us started on the fact that viral shows meant for adult entertainment (like Squid Games) are common topics of discussion among elementary aged children and the theme of their Halloween costumes. We can and should be doing better than that monitoring what our children watch and enjoy in their free time. Free time should not be free of monitoring especially at such a young and impressionable age. There are countless parenting resources that share exactly why the show or movie is rated the way it is. Educate yourself and decide how much is too much to allow in your home.

Music

Music also has an equally strong pull on our growing children. The lyrics are either strengthening the values we are trying to instill in them or proving them irrelevant. And music also has the unique pull of being deeply tied to our emotions. So here are some things about music we should be monitoring, teaching, and instilling in our children.

Teach music and mood: Music has a powerful pull on our emotions. It can pump us up, fuel our rage, or make our sadness that much sadder. We should be teaching our children to use music in a positive manner. One in which we are seeking to improve our mood and not prolong a negative emotional state. Make tedious things that are necessary (like chores or getting ready for school) more fun by curating as a family your favorite upbeat playlists. Take an interest in your child’s musical tastes. Encourage the creative expression of making playlists and share them with each other regularly. A child’s Spotify playlists can tell you a lot about their emotional state.

Look at the lyrics: Just like the shows our kids watch the lyrics are also sending a message. It can be the catchiest song in the world, but do we truly want our child repeating such explicit or innuendos in public. You would be amazed some of the phrases your child is picking up just by the music we surround them with. And even if we don’t consciously hear or understand every word our (and our child’s) brains are more powerful than we realize. The days of radio censorship seem a thing of the past so it’s up to you to look at the music you listen too with your children critically. If you aren’t willing to read and explain the lyrics to your child, then perhaps now is not the time to be enjoying such music together.

Social Media

I feel we all are starting to see the impact that our children’s time on Youtube, TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, and such is having on them. However, if you are one of the few who still hasn’t seen it yet here is your wakeup call. Social media is the pulpit from which the world is preaching to our kids. Our children are learning all about themselves and the world’s perception of the meaning of life every time they open an app. The only time it is acceptable to be innocent to the dangers of the world is as a child. We are not children and as a parent you should be checking in on this on a regular basis. There are too many dangers and repercussions if not. Educate yourself on the new platforms they are talking about. Look into parenting monitoring apps that allow you to check in on your child or notifies you when a new contact has been input or requested. Consider long and hard the effects of unlimited device usage and how early you are willing to begin that battle and bring it into your home.

It is naïve to think that our children are only being shaped and learning to be the people they will grow up to be within the confines of our home. The world is pulling and testing them 24/7 through these devices and others. Make sure you are giving your child more than a device and access to the internet, make sure you are giving them guidance, monitoring, and the awareness and strength they need to succeed. You’ve got this Warrior parents.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Parenting and the 3 Pillars of Trust

                 I was reading an article from Harvard Business about managing people the other day and it got us thinking about parenting. What is parenting but an exercise in managing people? Albeit sometimes tiny illogical, and unreasonably emotional people, but our children are people none the less. Growing people who need guidance from a good leader. The kind of leader who doesn’t only show them the way forward but helps them understand the why. Because the why is empowering and it will allow your child to act similarly in the future when you aren’t there to guide them. So, if we look at parenting, like leadership, from a business or partnership model what is the currency that gives them worth or credit? The answer is trust.

Trust is the most essential form of capital that any good leader has and the same is true of parents. Our children trusting us is crucial to us being able to help shape them into being the best version of themselves. And trust is hard earned and easily lost. So today we’re going to break down trust into 3 core drivers. By simplifying this process, it will help us identify our strengths, identify our weaknesses, and improve from there. So, let’s look at the pillars of the trust triangle and what that looks like as a parent.

Logic: 

I know your reasoning and judgement are sound

                In the beginning our children have no choice but to trust our judgement, but as they grow this becomes less and less so which culminates in the wonderful pre-teen and teen “know it all years.” We shore up our child’s present and future trust in our logic by being consistent. You must trust your judgement and you must demonstrate that and a willingness to follow through. This wobble most often becomes evident in our household rules and disciplinary measures (or lack thereof). If you feel your relationship with your child is wobbling in this area, take a good look at how you make decisions, follow through with them, and meet out consequences. If they are haphazard your logic will also seem so. This is a pivotal area because we need our children to trust in our reasoning and judgement, so they are willing to come to us with life’s hard stuff. This won’t happen if you yell at them over chores not being done one day and then ground them for 3 weeks the next. This also doesn’t happen if you then reverse your 3-week grounding after 2-4 days because you realize it is more inconvenient for you and the family. And when you feel their trust wobbling in this area remember it is okay to acknowledge you don’t have all the right answers and be willing to apologize when you’ve done wrong. We’re human after all and our children are learning too.

Authenticity: 

I know and experience the real you

                We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it 10,000 more times. Your kids are watching and learning from you even when it seems like they aren’t. If they see you being one person in public and one person in private, you have an authenticity wobble and that will lead to its own realm of trust problems. Of course, we all give the people in the world different levels of ourselves. That is natural and normal even. What isn’t normal is when I am outside the home projecting that I am kind, patient, understanding, and the most even-tempered person in the world, but that within the “safety” of my home I am a ball of yelling, frustration, and quick to anger. Our children need to know you. The real you. They deserve to see and know and learn from that best version of you. They have to know that if we want to know the real person are child is in return.

Empathy: 

I know you care about me and my success

                It seems like this one should be an easy one. Of course, our children should know we think and care about them and their success. However, today’s modern workplace and lifestyle is increasingly distracting us and pulling at our attention almost 24/7. Looking at your past week I am sure you can see rampant examples of this. How often do we ask our child to hold on a moment while we finish on our phone, that we divide our attention and multi-task, or that we abruptly had to change plans because of work? Those buzzing devices are ever present in ours (and by proxy our family’s life) and they make multi-tasking all too easy. Your child recognizes and feels that split attention over time. If we don’t make conscious efforts to disconnect and assert our family’s importance you might be on track to an empathy wobble. This one is typically tricky for the parents who are naturally more analytic, and results or achievement driven. So, if you think your trust might be in danger of an empathy wobble step back and recert your child’s importance. Sometimes it is necessary to put the phone aside and be fully engaged. The costs if we do not are incomparable.

                We know that looking at these 3 pillars of trust can be hard. Any foray into self-awareness usually is, but if you have the resources look at your other close relationships. Which area do you wobble with them? Odds are the things you struggle with will be across most of your relationships. You’ve got this Warrior parents. Every day you try to be better than the day before is a good day in parenting.

#RaiseAWarrior