What Do We Want Our Kids To Be When They Grow Up?

      As we near the close of 2020 we can't help but look forward to a brighter future in 2021 after the tumultuous misadventure this year has been. But a looming new year isn't the only thing brimming with potential. Every time we look at our child this is what we should see. We have such high hopes for our children and the sky truly is the limit. As they grow, we ask them intermittently what they want to be when they grow up to watch those dreams mature as they do. And as they move beyond the goals of "super hero" or "princess" and find more practical passions and interests we can't help but ask ourselves what do we hope for our child? If you could pick one thing for them to be when they grow up what would it be? Many of us would think happy, fulfilled, or successful. All of which are noble wishes of course, but what is the true goal?

     I feel a more accurate wish for our children is that they become capable. Amongst a world of many options, opportunities and distractions I want our little ones to grow up capable. Capable of caring for themselves and their loved ones. Capable of standing up for the right thing. Capable of being a good friend. Capable of making their own decisions. Capable of succeeding, but also picking themselves back up when life gets hard. Capable of the mundane odds and ends of life like changing a tire or maintaining a home. I say this looking at a world full of young adults who are a little less than capable and more than a little fragile when compared to other generations. So here are a list of lessons to help make your child a little more capable when they grow up.

Capable of hard work

      Thomas Edison famously stated, "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." And while overalls are no longer the requirement of our day to day life, it is easy to see that it is hard to fully reach our potential without the ability to truly buckle down and work hard. And the beauty of hard work is you can start instilling it in your child no matter where you are. For example: stop hiring out hard jobs. You don't need someone special to sand, paint, or upkeep the lawn. Those sweaty tasks were ours for as long as I can remember. Treat their school as a work ethics training ground and allow them to suffer the consequences when they don't follow through. Being a hard worker is a character trait that can push you forward, so teach them young.

Capable of resilience

     No matter our age, life can be hard. And while our initial response may be to step in and shield our child from adversity and smooth their way, it is important to remember that hardship is an excellent teacher. There are life lessons in failure that cannot be learned any other way, and you don't get a diamond without a little pressure so don't be afraid to let life 'squeeze' your kiddo a little bit and show them just how strong they are capable of becoming. 

Capable of basic life skills

     There are some basic skills not covered in home economics that should be learned before our children leave the nest. Teach them the basic budgeting and finance. Teach them to care for and maintain their investments (be it a car, home or relationship). Teach them to unclog a toilet, change a lightbulb, and switch out a flat tire. Teach them to use basic tools. Teach them the basics of cooking, shopping, meal prepping, etc. Life as an adult gets busy quick so why not give them an advantage while we can.

Capable of being a good friend

     Unfortunately, we won't always be around to look after our child's emotional and mental wellbeing. So teach them to seek out good relationships and how to be a good friend in return. Our digital world, has distorted the worth and definition of friends. So teach your child the difference. Teach them to seek out loyal friends, who keep them accountable, encourages them, celebrates and mourns with them as needed. Friendships are pivotal in shaping your child so save you both some heartache and teach them young. 

Capable of protecting their family

      There are many aspects to this one and it kind of depends on who you and your family are. Maybe you're a family that trains together in self-defense for the worst case scenario. Maybe you're a health focused family fighting against a family history of disease. Maybe your protection of choice is fighting for financial security. Maybe you fight to protect your family and your relationships by setting healthy boundaries and working to have a good/work life balance. There are many ways of protecting our family and you can model and teach these best while your kiddos are young. Stressing the importance of family and those traditions now will also help during the years when they start to stretch their wings and leave the nest.

      We know that childhood is a busy and magical time. It is so easy to get caught up in the short term goals of day to day life. Just surviving this phase. Getting through this school year. Learning to do this thing. However, there truly is benefit in parenting with a more long term focus. Think about the adult you hope your child will become and work backwards from there. Ask yourself "What can I do today to foster that goal?" Because what makes your child happy at age 5, 10, or 15 is quite different from what makes them happy at 25, 35, and beyond. There are a million ways to love a child, but in our quest to make them happy, let us be mindful that long term goals of raising a child with strong character is much more pivotal than any short term goals involving a report card, trophy, game or recital will ever be.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Empty Threats: A Guide For Warrior Parents

     Disciplining a child can feel like a lesson in escalation. I mean day in and day out it goes like this... child breaks rule, we punish child. Child breaks same rule again, we punish harder. Child breaks same rule for the up-teenth time and the whole system starts to break. We're frustrated, we punish hard, and we threaten far worse to come in the future if they dare try us again. 

• "You'll be grounded for a month" (hmmm.... immediately starts thinking probably not as it limits the whole families ability to do things and is super inconvenient). 
• "I'll throw away your game system" (nope, won't really do that one either. Our child being able to self entertain allows us to get a lot of things done without having to worry too much about them). 
• "I will turn this car around" (well... actually... no I won't. This outing has been planned for awhile and invested in. We all need a break from routine and a single moment of bad behavior isn't going to change that). 
• "Calm down and finish your dinner or you'll have no dessert" (... come to think of it... we might do that if it was just us, but we are out at dinner with friends and we won't all eat dessert without them. That is going too far). 

     So will we really push the punishment to such extremes? Most of the time the second an empty threat leaves our mouth we already begin mentally backtracking. And though we think it harmless our lack of follow through has far reaching consequences. Now don't get us wrong. Every parent slips up and uses an empty threat from time to time. It's just a knee jerk reaction when we are under pressure, stressed, embarrassed, and desperate for anything to work. And in the beginning our empty threats do work. There is some initial behavior change. But as we continue to show a complete lack of follow through  we realize that while empty threats might be a common parenting tool that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good one. So as we enter the crazy holiday season we want to touch base on what empty threats teach our child and what to do instead.

Empty Threats Teach Our Child To Mistrust

     Kids are extremely smart and they are constantly soaking up lessens through even the most mundane of our interactions. A young child initially knows only trust. They mean and do what they say and expect everyone else to do the same. But as life goes on they begin to learn a different sort of lesson. They start to pick up that things don't always go as stated. An empty threat or a broken promise from us teaches our child that this is now acceptable behavior. Now that the things we say mean less there is a sense of mistrust in the relationship. And this changes the stakes and leads us to problem number two.

Empty Threats Teach Our Child To Hide Their Behavior

     Consequences are supposed to help socialize our child and help them internalize good morals. This happens through rules done consistently, reasonable punishments and when we take the time to explain the reasons behind the rules at a level they can understand. But when our punishments are emotional, and used to intimidate rather than inform it undermines our child's sense of rules and consequences. Instead of helping them internalize lessons and morals your vastly varied approach to punishments is teaching them that rules are dependent upon the context of the situation. This draws too much attention to the punishment. It leads to rationalizing their way out of trouble or even worse being sneaky and lying to avoid punishment. And if they do comply it is for the entirely wrong reasons and means they aren't likely to comply when they're away from you. Which is a problem since no one offers them their first beer, cigarette, or a chance to bully someone in front of you. 

Consistent Discipline Teaches Our Child To Trust Us

     When we consistently set rules, explain the rationale behind them and set reasonable consequences our child knows they can rely on us and the predictability of our morals no matter what. It helps them trust our judgement better and feel more comfortable coming to us with their mistakes, problems, or those moral gray areas of uncertainty. Investing in cultivating this healthy attachment now does wonders during the teenage years. 

Consistent Discipline Teaches Our Child Strong Morals

     This happens when our consequences are logical. A consequence should be related to the offense and setup to repair the harm of their actions. This helps children learn how to view their behavior with an empathetic lens. Now before acting they pause to ask themselves "How will this action affect themselves and others?" For example a sibling who fought and wasn't willing to share/play with their sibling kindly shouldn't be isolated as a punishment. They couldn't solve their problems and that is what they wanted, for their sibling to ultimately go away and let them play alone. Instead making them repair that damage and work together with the sibling is a much more suitable punishment. It isn't forever, but give them a set amount of time that way they can spend that focused time repairing the harm their choices caused.

      So stop threatening misbehaving children without actually following through. Especially during the holidays. I know we are all stressed and busy, but don't give in to the siren's call of empty promises and hollow threats during the season. Take the focus off the number of presents Santa is going to bring. That is a band aid solution and not effective. Stick with Santa is watching and very proud of your kindness, or your patience. This kind of praise spotlights good behavior or character traits and encourages more of it. Because in the end our kids ultimately want to make us proud. So take that elf on the shelf or the myth of Santa and use it for good. Don't threaten or promise. Use them as a means to encourage more good behavior. And as always take time to breathe and think. We know that parenting is one of those delicate balancing acts between fostering a caring and loving relationship while being firm and teaching strong moral character. But it is one of those things that is always worth your time and incredibly priceless in the long run. You've got this Warrior parents. And we've got your back. 

#RaiseAWarrior 

Time And The Parenting Paradox

     Today's world is very acquisition based. What do I get out of doing "X"? But what if in fact we don't need more? Sure, a nicer car, more pay, more savings would all be nice. But to get more we usually have to give more. And at this point most of us are spread pretty thin. So what if instead we choose less? What if we chose to be choosier with the things we took on so we could be more productive with our time and carve out more space for our family? Still undecided? Well let us put it this way...

     Parenting is challenging. Each stage has it's own unique set of hurdles and so we constantly tell ourselves that this part of parenting may be tough, but it's going to get easier. And so we constantly look forward to the next goal post or level of independence our child will develop. We use this thought to motivate us during the hard times. But the parenting paradox is that all that we wish for will come true and then some. For our children are only young once. There will be a last time that they have an accident, throw a fit in public, and are unable to strap themselves into the car. It's a magnificent thing, but also terrifying. Because if one day those will end so too will the times when your child holds your hand, or falls asleep in your arms. One day you will wake up and they will want to hang out with their friends more than you. All along we push ourselves, saying this job will get easier and that one day our children won't need us as much. But too often, when it comes true, we realize that we needed that time with them as much as they need time with us. So instead of solely focusing on the freedoms the next developmental stage of parenting brings us, let's ask ourselves "If I continue with my current routine what will I regret the most?" Because our child spells love the same way we do: in quality time. So this week we offer some simple steps to make the most of your time together (no matter how brief).

Put The Phone Away

     Our phone use has become habitual. It isn't even a conscious thing anymore to pull it out and absentmindedly scroll. It's soothing. But our children are very observant. Checking our phone during our quality time with them sends a message that this little device and the things on it are more important to us than they are. And that is definitely not the message we want to send our child. So prioritize your family over electronics and other devices. Have a no device rules on family outings. Invest in a real camera if you don't think you can help using your phone beyond a memory maker. Use car rides as a chance to connect and draw closer, rather then delve into our own little world. Every single one of our moments together can be precious if we make it so.

Talk To Them

     Much of what we do is done on autopilot and this includes connecting with our family. Our conversations should have meaning and depth. We shouldn't settle for the superficial. We should be checking in on each other, learning about one another, and helping push each other towards our dreams. We can't do this by asking how their day was and settling for "It was fine." Get creative with your conversation starters. Ask what the funniest part of their day was? Ask what made them smile? Ask if they saw or did a random act of kindness? And model this kind of personal conversation in the other relationships you're a part of. Our children learn much about connection and openness by our interactions with our significant others so don't settle for simply superficial with them either.

Choose To Play

     Play is such a magical part of childhood. And with the right nurturing it can mature into an adventurous and fun loving spirit that you can continue to share with your family later on. So why is it we pass up these moments of loving connection? At the park, during sporting events, at a play date the adults can be found sitting around glued to a screen or chatting with other parents. And while it's important to foster parent to parent relationships, it isn't of greater value than investing time with your family. So shake off the tiredness. Even if it's just for 10-20 minutes. Playing with your family may take some energy out of you, but it always puts a smile on your face and is a small price to pay for an experience of connection. So play with your family. Be silly with your family. Those flights of fantasy and creativity show a peek into their personality and might even creak open old parts of yours.

      So there you have it- a quick little intro to the parenting paradox. Time is ticking away and it is okay to be selfish about it. Our children naturally gravitate more and more towards their peers as they grow so make the most of every second. Get your life together enough to start taking advantage of these moments. Stop wishing away this parenting journey. We may intermittently want an easier life, but easier isn't always better. There are adventures out there and memories to be made. So make every second count and they just might want to keep adventuring with you. You've got this Warrior parents!

#RaiseAWarrior 

Teaching Your Warrior About Bad Words

     Our children are like sponges. And in today's world it is far too easy to soak up some bad habits. One of those habits is swearing. And in today's digitized culture swearing has unfortunately become a normal part of childhood. The thing is our children are exposed to so many foul words and vulgar content (at a younger age than every before) because it is normalized and readily accessible. It is in their video games, common at school, among friends, on YouTube and other streaming platforms and social services, and prevalent in the shows they watch. At first hearing these words from your innocent child's mouth may come as a shock or end up quite comical. But as your child grows and stretches their wings and meets new people their vocabulary continues to expand. And it can become harder and harder to eliminate unsavory words from your household once it has become the norm.

     In the beginning younger children repeat something they've heard just to try it out. They are listening and learning and will repeat words without thought or understanding. Our response during this time matters. If we giggle, laugh, record, or even if we get upset we are teaching them that this word causes lots of emotions in adults. And how could it not? When your first grader uses the F word do you giggle at the absurdity or are you appalled. Once they realize a word has that kind of power over us, these words become very attractive, as a means to get attention. And if we denote it as taboo in our household, they get a big thrill out of using it in secret.

    As a child matures their use of bad words change. Sometimes they use it to test boundaries and our response. Other times they use it for the lack of an ability to accurately describe what is going on, as a sort of filler word. They still don't always understand the meaning behind the word, but they are starting to use it in a more purposeful manner. So no matter the age of your Little Warrior here are some good steps to start addressing it and help you kick foul language to the curb.

Stay Calm

      Children are curious. They might ask what a word means to understand or just be trying it out. So stay calm, especially for the first encounter of the word. It may be tempting to yell or laugh, but we don't want to continue to reinforce the idea that using this language is appealing. You get to decide if how much to explain. Simply acknowledging that it is an "unkind word some people use that isn't appropriate for children" is low key and straightforward enough that it educates while making the word less appealing to a child who was looking forward to a big reaction. Further discussions, depending on your child's age, can be on how our words affect others, acceptable ways to treat others, and how we want them to view and respond to us. All of this should be done calmly for a first offense. We are educating at this point and it isn't an emotional response.

Lay Out Your Family Standards

     It isn't fair to punish if the rules were not clearly defined. So when unkind or foul language begins to pop up in your household make a plan to address it. Each families rules are unique. We have tons of kids tattle on their playmates for using the "S" word for example which simply was "stupid" or "shut up." While these words are unkind and unacceptable in your home and for use among friends, it is important your child understands they are not swear words, but rather ugly or rude words. Words that other families may have normalized. So find where you all stand on the issue. Why does stupid or shut up make you cringe? Or are those words fine and you're only concerned about the more PG-13 expletives? It takes us clearly define our family standards and setting a consistent consequence to beat these kinds of words. And it takes a little bit of eloquence to not call out or belittle other families methods in the process. Something as simple as a swear jar or an extra chore for the offender is punishment enough for the casual user. You may have to get more creative if this is a more long lasting problem in your household.

Consider Acceptable Replacement Words (If Any)

     Growing up my mom had an exorbitant amount of creative filler cuss words. From "biscuit eaters" to "shoot a bug" her odd exclamations never cease to amaze me. And although when I was younger I often wish she would cuss like a normal parent and got embarrassed by her word salad under duress I also have to appreciate the creativity she had for not sticking with the tradition "son of a gun". So if filler words are your thing or if your child is needing a replacement word for their new favorite naughty words brain storm together. Just be sure to let your child know that everyone's household is different an they will encounter different rules. "Stupid" or "dumb" may be an acceptable word for your household, but should be used with caution outside of the home out of respect for others.

Alternatives to Attention Seeking

     Foul language gets a rise out of people. Whether that attention is negative (from adults) or positive (from their peers) is of little difference to an attention seeking child. All they want to be is noticed and their new vocabulary definitely ensures that. So if you believe your child's use of explicit language is to gain attention you will have to address the underlying reasons to really see a change in vocab. If the child is feeling disconnected from you and is acting out accordingly to catch your notice then begin taking steps to fix that. And if your child is merely using foul language to fit in or get a laugh from their peers it is easy to equip your child with other, more effective and appropriate methods of gaining attention.

Positive Ways of Naming and Handling Emotions

     Most young adults use explicit language because they feel unable to adequately describe or convey what they are feeling. Most of this is purely frustration or anger, but sometimes other emotions can come into play. Learning how to recognize and handle our emotions is an invaluable skill set, no matter the age. So rather than accepting your child saying "This is stupid" as they crumple up their challenging homework assignment, guide them through naming what they are feeling and give them more positive and effective ways to deal with that emotion. Praise them when they start to do this on their own and as always make sure you are modeling proper naming and expression of your emotions as well.

     Above all it's important to understand that while the world is quick to share foul language with our growing child, the rest is up to us. When we only shut down bad words, our child never gets a chance to understand what was inappropriate or how they can better articulate their feelings. And for our kids to really have a solid understanding of respectful language, they have to know a little about the bad. So take the time to have these proactive and conscious discussions with your child. It's one of those things you won't regret. You've got this Warrior parents!

#RaiseAWarrior 

How To Get What You Want Without Nagging

     As parents we know there are many important things we need to teach our children during this time. And we tend to try to really drive home the point that this stuff really matters through repetition. But for some reason no matter how much we harp, nothing we say seems to get through to them. How do we teach our children to be good successful people if our advice just goes in one ear and out the other? What good are we achieving? Why does this method of teaching lead to such push back?

     The problem lies in nagging. No one sets out to be a nag. And most of us hate to be nagged ourselves. However, it is an easy parenting cycle to fall into. Because naturally in trying to really drive home our point we repeat ourselves over and over again. We are trying to help, but as we say the same thing again and again, our words start to lose their meaning. They lose their urgency because the listener knows you'll bring it up again later. And as we start to get frustrated by their lack of response, our initially kind and patient admonishments become a personal sore spot which we have no patience, no time, or understanding for. So today we're tackling why nagging doesn't work and how to get what you want in a more positive manner.

     

Why We Nag

     The first step towards fixing any problem is recognizing it. And nagging is no different. Nagging is surprisingly more about us than our kids. It can happen because we feel powerless and chaotic in certain aspects of our lives and so we seek control of something, even if it's just the micro behaviors of our family. Sometimes nagging occurs because we feel anxious for the competitive world in which our children will have to work in and so we constantly push them to the top and towards our perception of excellence. Sometimes we nag because we are so busy and stressed out that we are truly parenting on the fly. We begin barking instructions and sometimes forget amidst it all that they are children who need our patience and guidance.  And other times our nagging comes purely from unrealistic expectations or subconscious learned behaviors from our own parents. Regardless of the cause if your kids aren't listening to you regularly and you feel the need to nag it might be time to look within.

Why Nagging Doesn't Work

     No matter our good intentions, it is important for us to understand why our nagging is ineffective. Our nagging conveys many negative messages to our family. Nagging teaches that we don't trust each other to just do the right thing and that we feel the need to micro manage them with a double and triple check because they are incompetent or incapable. It is a controlling parenting tactic that can lead to resentment or more confrontation and rebellion (especially with an older child). It is a form of negative reinforcement, which science has proved time and time again to be an inferior model of teaching. Nagging is a constant form of finding fault and it can wear a child's self worth down. And at the end of the day it's just words. Our children learn to dodge these words and tune them out because experience has told them eventually you'll let it drop or finally do it yourself.

A Better Way Of Getting What You Want

     So how do we get out of this cycle? Because once we fall into a routine of nagging there is always something else to nag about. And for those of us doing the nagging, it is exhausting to stay on top of everything for every one all the time. So where does it end? Luckily for us tired parents there is a better way for you to get what you want consistently from your family. It just takes a little bit of retraining for them and you. So here the Warrior Parent's action plan to making the change

1. Find Your Triggers: As parents, each of us have individual things we feel compelled to fix in our child. There are triggers that just matter more to us. For example some of you can avoid nagging over sloppiness much easier than you can homework hurdles. Our child's education just carries more weight. We feel compelled to do something about it so they can be successful. Identifying your triggers for nagging and understanding why you feel compelled to do so goes a long way towards ending this parenting cycle.We know that everyone needs a push from time to time and the last thing we want is to not push our children when it's needed; but it is also important to realize that when parenting from a position of insecurity we rarely choose the best path.
   
   
2. Listen to find the root problem: Nagging is the opposite of listening. And if there are reasons for our nagging there are also most likely reasons for our child's inaction. Yes it is very important to you that your child has a love of learning and get's their homework done. Maybe they are dragging their feet because they don't want to be the smart kid and mocked by the peers. Or maybe it's as simple as they want to finish this episode or level first. When we take the time to listen to our child we are putting ourselves on the same side rather than on opposite ends of a battle field. 
   
   
3. Plan B: Once you've examined yours and your child's reasons for action or inaction it's time for plan B. There are several ways to do this. (1) You can let your child suggest a plan, (2) you can come up with a plan together, or (3) you can set forth the natural consequence and step back and let them decide. So if we continue using the homework hurdle as an example. Instead of nagging your child to get their work done you can (1) ask them to tell you their plan so you don't have to worry anymore. This shows your child concern for their education but also confidence in their ability to make it happen and problem solve. (2) If your child isn't certain how to succeed you can come up with a plan together. Maybe it is distraction holding them back instead of fear or distaste. In which case setting a timer and checking in on them routinely might be beneficial. (3) And if all else fails don't be afraid to lay out the negatives like it is. No they don't actually have to read that book or write that report right now. They don't have to pass their classes. However, there are natural consequences to their actions that you cannot and will not protect them from. And if they choose them you will let them fail a grade, be kicked out of sports/extracurricular activities, and do summer school.
   
   
4. Empower Your Child With The Right Tools: We can't expect our children to succeed without the right tools to strengthen them. And we do feel the need to nag when we don't believe our child is able to succeed. So if your child is easily distracted during homework time or wants to game first get them a timer or alarm. They can set it for an agreed upon period of time to reorient themselves or let them know it is time to get busy. If your child is misplacing assignments get them things to help organize better or help them setup a homework station so all their things are right where it's needed. If your child is forgetting assignments or missing deadlines try a planner, electronic reminders or a wall calendar. An empowered child is one with the right tools. And if we've set them up for success there isn't really a need for our nagging.
   
   
   
   
   
5. Positive Reinforcement: Building new habits take time. It will be quite a transition for you to stop nagging and for your child to take a more active role in getting tasks done. So praise-praise-praise. And if you must correct use the model praise-correct-praise. If your child turns off their game when the timer goes off or doesn't have to scramble to find their assignments before they go to school praise their execution of their end of the bargain. Praise their preparedness, their great attitude, their organization, their work-play balance. Be creative with your praises so they remain sincere. But if your child didn't quite hold up to their end of the bargain, don't nag. Use the positive reinforcement technique of praise-correct-praise. Praise them for starting their homework. Correct them by saying "In the future you would like them to use the timer like they agreed upon to avoid distraction." And praise them to end on a positive note by saying "You're proud that they're getting back on track so quickly."

     The bottom line is nagging is an exhausting and unsuccessful parenting tact. We know that by making these slight course corrections with your family you will be more successful and have more time for what truly matters- raising strong children with good character while making awesome memories together. You've got this!

#RaiseAWarrior 

Healthy Relationships: A Foundation For Our Child's Future

     We know that relationships are one of those things that can propel you forward in life or hold you back. And we all want what's best for our children. We don't want to watch them hurt or be taken advantage of. We want them to grow up and find that special someone, to share in the joy and the happiness that a healthy relationship can bring. And we play a big role in that! No we don't ultimately get to choose that partner for them, but we can model what healthy relationships look like. But fear not! If your marriage, love life, or romantic relationships are far from perfect there are still lots of ways to teach your child about healthy relationships. Modeling isn't the only method of learning. So buckle up because this week we're tackling some of the things that help you have a strong foundation in your relationships (and who knows you might also learn a thing or two along the way).

Be a family who turns towards

      In all of our relationships there are moments where the other person makes a small bid for our attention so to speak. This doesn't just happen among romantic relationships, but also friendships, in the workplace, and between family members. These bids for attention can be as simple as them trying to engage you in a conversation by telling you something they learned that day. When someone you care about makes a bid for your attention you can 1) Turn towards them by showing interest and giving them your attention, you can 2) Postpone their bid by letting them know you're in the middle of something that you need to finish at the moment but that you would love to hear all about it after BLANK (notice this is still a positive response) or you can 3) Turn away from them by ignoring them or 4) Turn against them by demeaning them, being sarcastic, or downright nasty. Happy couples turn towards their partner at least 80% of the time. So teach your family to be a group who turns towards each other as best you can. Yes sometimes we parents will have to postpone their bid for attention but we can still do it with kindness and love. And these kind of interactions bring us closer together in a positive manner.

Create a culture of appreciation

     It is far too easy to take things for granted. Especially in our relationships. When we become accustomed to certain things and begin to expect them without us doing anything in return we are setting our relationship up for failure. So say the things you value and appreciate about each other out loud. No matter how small. Use those small moments, to catch the things that are going well and are right. Let them know that "dinner was great" or that you "know you can always count on them to pay the bills on time" When we make an effort to say this to our partners and our children we are teaching them that "This is what we do as a family. We love each other. And we always let another know what we appreciate about them." Even when our lives and relationships are't perfect, when we have an attitude of seeking out the little things we appreciate our partner more and consistently remember how amazing, sweet and thoughtful they really are.

Emphasize the basics of conflict resolution

     Lots of parents avoid confrontation, conflicts, and apologies in front of their children. This leads to arguments being seen as a sort of taboo or bad thing. Now if your style of conflict resolution is a knock down screaming and name calling match please definitely keep that to yourselves (you aren't fooling anyone though, not even the little ones). Conflict and arguments are natural parts of relationships and they can be healthy if handled with respect, love and kindness. So teach your children the basics of conflict resolution. Let them see you work things out with your partner. It is okay to disagree so long as respect and courtesy is maintained while some kind of middle ground or understanding is reached. And then move on. Don't name call, or bring up past things. That isn't the kind of relationship we want to model for our children. Let them hear you discuss things, let them hear you treat each other with respect and patience even while frustrated or emotional. And above all let them see you own up and make things right when you are wrong. These are the basics of conflict resolution and a lot more couples would be happier if they could master this skill so give your kids a leg up by showing them the way.

Teach the importance of shared responsibilities

     In the past household responsibilities had specific gender roles. And maybe your family is comfortable with that division. It doesn't matter who takes out the trash, who cooks and who drives. Follow gender roles or split it by doing the things you love. What matters is that we teach our children to share responsibility. One of the reasons couples often fight is due to unequal work load. So let them grow up learning that mom and dad both help around the house. Be careful though. Our actions send unspoken messages to our children. Teaching them that moms always cook and dads always drive but never clean can set them up for failure in the future even if that is what works for your family. Emphasize that this is a personal decision. This is what works for your family and how you choose to do it. Don't let them believe this is just the way to do things because its all they ever saw growing up. What truly matters is finding a balance that helps you and your partner out. And there are so many ways to do that.

     We know every relationship is a unique and constantly evolving dynamic. You won't always have it right and that's okay because neither will your kiddo. Every day at Warrior's Way we are just striving to be better than the day before. Life in our homes is no different. So if this post has pointed out some weaknesses in your home now we have a focus to improve upon. And if you're already crushing these, than take some time to reflect on other lessons you can teach your child about healthy relationships. After all we can't teach our kiddos too much during this pivotal time in their life. You've got this parenting Warriors!

#RaiseAWarrior 

Mission Academic Success: A Path To Building Focus At All Ages

     Focus is one of those things that can be a hurdle for some children. And it is never more apparent than during the school year. After a blissful summer of freedom and playtime our children are expected to adjust, quite rapidly, to hours of focus. But focus, like many things, can be planted. And if given the right amount of attention and direction it can blossom and continue to grow into a character strength. So this blog is about planting the seeds of focus, no matter your child's age, so we can all have a successful and more productive school year.

Seeds to Plant During the Kinder and Elementary Years

I am expected to work

     No matter a child's age everyone can contribute in some way. So instill in your child a sense of work ethic. Give them small tasks with straight forward and achievable outcomes. Then show them how to have fun with it. Have a dance party while sweeping! Get dusted in flour while preparing dinner. Who can be the most creative in getting the job done quick. Does attaching sponges to your feet and skating across the floor work? They won't really be doing the work in the beginning, and they might be more hindrance than help, but you are teaching them to find joy in the mundane tasks of day to day life.

Getting work done feels good

      The next step is to focus on the sense of achievement we have after a job well done. We don't want our child to grow learning work is bad and play is good. That attitude only sets them up for failure in the long run. We all have to do work and good things come of it. So focus on cultivating a sense of pride in their work. Teach them that avoiding work is more trouble than it's worth. After all, focused adults view their work as something contributing to their internal sense of meaning and accomplishment. So teach your child to stop viewing their work as something "extra" they must do. It will help them succeed now and prevent heartache over homework and other deadlines later.

Persistence is key

     We don't always crush every task we've been given. And that can be disheartening no matter our age. So teach your child to focus on the things that went well. Praise their efforts and the traits they used to get this far. Emphasize the value of persistence. By shifting the focus to this, rather than crushing success, we are helping our children grow to be resilient and to push through, and focus on the task at hand even when things don't go heir way.

Starting is the hardest part

     This truly is the most difficult step because it requires focus and some organized thought. So teach your child how to be a better starter. Instead of making them do their homework and keeping tabs on every single assignment and due date for them let your kiddo get some reps. Asking your kiddo "How are you going to get this done?" is more beneficial than telling them how and what to do. For your visual child, make a weekly written list that blocks out their free time and non-negotiable events. Then let them choose where and when they want to do their homework. This helps them develop planning, time management, and gives them a personal stake in when and how things get done. A child with this sense of "ownership" over their schedule is more likely to comply and focus when the time comes.

Seeds to Plant During the Middle School Years and Beyond

I can problem solve

     We do have the answers. But problem solving is an important skill set that builds focus. So get your child involved. Help them figure out organization and scheduling skills now that will help them independently succeed in high school and beyond. Ask them how they plan on getting their work done today? Ask them how they can be better prepared for tomorrow? Ask them how they can be more organized and keep from losing things? Your child's answer gives you insight into what went wrong and how their brain works. Sure you could solve these problems yourself, but that doesn't help your child in the long run. So take the time to ask questions, listen to their ideas, and then refine and support them as much as you reasonably can. This can be hard because we know what works for us. But it's important to recognize that our way of doing things might not work for them.

I know my strengths and weaknesses

      We all have individual strengths and we all have weaknesses. Taking the time to identify them early on and building the skills to cope with them now is a huge advantage in life and success. So compare times of focus to times of not. Draw your child's attention to the outcomes of each situation using real life day to day examples. And do this with as many traits as you can. Focus matters in success. On the field, in the classroom, and beyond. So praise those strengths. Take the time to recognize them and your personal pitfalls. Then take the time to help your child problem solve ways to counter act those pesky weaknesses while we work to make them stronger.

I am capable of managing outcomes

     The pressure is more once our kid's enter middle school. And so it can be harder for our child to move on when things don't go well. Their tasks, hopes, and expectations are bigger than they were in elementary school. But who really remembers their grades from middle school? Did they really matter? Does Suzy being the lead in the school play ruin your chances of being a Theater Thespian in high school? Not one bit. So use the middle school years to talk about moving on and managing expectations. Try to take the emotional part of failure and instead focus on what they can do better in the future.

I am happiest when I have some sort of balance

      We spoke previously on ownership and how it plays a big role in how invested our child is in a task. As our child learns and grows more and more expectations and tasks are put on their plate. This is the natural progression of things. So give them the tools to plan, set some non-negotiables (like eating and sleeping) and let them try. Don't get too involved. There are natural consequences when we don't plan to do the work and when we don't follow through. And those consequences usually steal from our recreational time. Let those lessons shine while the stakes are small. Teach your child to balance and celebrate the process of work and play. Teach them that electronics are great, but not all recreational free time should involve screens. Achieving a semblance of that balance now, while the hormones are still sort of in check, really pays off in the high school and college years to come.

     No matter where you are in your families journey we can all benefit from a little more focus. So use this little list of tools as a check on your progress and don't be afraid to go back and remediate some of these steps if you've been struggling with them. As you all grow your focus and your ability to work you will find that homework battles become less frequent, getting ready for practice is no longer a chore, and that overall more is being achieved with less emotional back lash. You've got this Warrior parents. It may be a different sort of school year, but we've already weathered much more since the start of the year.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Combating Perfectionism: 3 Reminders For You and Your Child

     Perfectionism. Sometimes it is a word mistakenly used to recognize our child's accomplishments and how proud we are of their hard work. However, for those of us raising a perfectionist child, we know that it's no small matter. Parenting a perfectionist is hard. That isn't to say we don't want our children to hold themselves to high standards. They can and they should do so. But perfectionism is unattainable. If you expect life to be perfect, you are establishing unrealistic goals and can never be satisfied with the result. And we want our children to be happier than that. We want them to enjoy and recognize their accomplishments and growth, not say it's good luck and begin worrying about performing as well in the future. So as we get into the swing of this interesting school year here are some important lessons or mantras to teach your child. These mantras are aimed directly against the false beliefs of perfectionism and can be reiterated regularly in our day to day lives by our parenting response (be it words or deeds). Because for all of us recovering perfectionists out there we know that perfectionism left unchecked just makes life harder than it truly should be.

I can make mistakes and ask for help.

     A perfectionist child perpetually puts themselves in a difficult spot. Because perfectionists feels unable to make mistakes or ask for help. The idea of doing so makes them feel less than. It makes them feel uncomfortably vulnerable and the opposite of successful. Sometimes this goes to such extremes that they present a facade or lie to seem perfect and like they have it all together. They mistakenly place their value in the ability to do all things perfectly and this falsity puts the enormous weight of the world on their shoulders. Parents of these children must constantly reiterate that everyone makes mistakes from time to time and so asking for a little help or experiencing a setback is not a sign of failure or weakness; but rather strength in knowing their limits and moving beyond them.

My way isn't always the best way.

       Perfection is the perfectionists true north. It is their sole thought, goal and purpose. And since they view themselves as a perfectionist, all other's fall a little short of this goal. This makes it very difficult for the perfectionist to recognize other's ideas and see the value of another's perspective. This unwillingness to incorporate and objectively view other's ideas leads to difficulties playing with siblings and other children now and more hardships in the work place and relationships later on. Parents of perfectionist children must help them see the value other's bring to the table and that their ideas and views aren't always right.

I am enough just as I am.

      We've mentioned that perfectionist children feel the need to appear perfect and will lie and hide things to make certain this facade or view of themselves remains intact. The last thing we want is for our children to feel the need to hide and pretend with us. We don't want them to grow up feeling like they will be condemned for showing their true selves. We don't want them to fear mistakes and view it as a ruination of relationships and to believe that a show of weakness or mistakes will lead to us viewing them as an irreparable disappointment. Our child will always be loved, mistakes and all, because that's what being a parent is. Teaching them now that they are already accepted, and loved for who they are in this moment, no matter what, will go a long ways towards reversing the ill effects of perfectionism. So let your child know they don't have to prove themselves worthy, for they are already yours and are forever loved as such. 

     Perfectionism at it's core is based on a number of lies and false beliefs. These are incorrect views about ourselves and the world around us. Beliefs that we aren't enough, we can't show weakness, and that our mistakes change the way others love and care for us. So as we continue with this different sort of school year we hope these positively phrased mantras serve as reminder, no matter our age. Because we are enough. Giving our best and intermittently experiencing setback or failure is okay. Asking for help can be a sign of strength. And the right people, the true ones, will love us and stand by us no matter our faults.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Overcoming Choice Paralysis

     Ever been to the toy store with a child? Or put them in charge of what to eat or what movie to watch? It can be a maddening process. They just freeze. It's as if they're overwhelmed by the choices and so they do nothing. It is ironic almost that in the face of so many good things our children are paralyzed. And the truth is this is just a little choice. It is really inconsequential and whether they watch Frozen 2 or Moana. Both will be good enough. However, decision making is not inconsequential. We know that one day our child will have to make choices without us. Choices that can greatly impact their life and future. So how do we protect them? How do we ensure they make consistently good decisions and avoid self inflicted hardships in an ever changing world?

     The short answer is we can't. We can't ensure they will make good decisions. It is simply beyond our parental power. We can, however, do something about it. Starting today, WE CAN give them frequent opportunities to make good choices. WE CAN give them opportunities to flex that decision making muscle and allow it to become strong. WE CAN give them the tools to overcome choice paralysis. And WE CAN do this knowing that elementary aged children and beyond are capable of choosing as well as we do... IF they are properly prepared. So this week we're laying the foundation to raising more confident and competent children. Children who are capable of making great decisions and leading an awesome life.

De-Personalize Your Parenting

     This sounds odd, but as always bear with us a moment more. Often our consequences can be a little haphazard. They can be strongly dependent upon our current emotional state, in spite of our best intentions. So for example if we're tired we might pickup dirty clothes left out or merely chide our child for not putting it up correctly. If we're grumpy enough it could lead to them picking it up, being made to feel bad, and extra chores or a time out. The action and consequence aren't connected. The results of an action becomes unpredictable because it is entirely dependent upon whether or not we parents took their actions personally. So de-personalize your parenting a little bit. When our children do something wrong it is not a reflection of us. Consequences should be pre-established, clearly defined and a natural outcome of your child's behavior. So if they leave their dirty clothes on the floor instead of putting it away to be washed a natural consequences is their friend's noticing their stinky and dirty clothes, or the puppy chewing a favorite pair of slippers up. That natural consequence + fixing it makes sense. If there isn't a consequence that naturally happens having your child fix it + doing an extra chore makes sense. It is logical, de-personalized, and your child can count on it to be a consistent consequence every single time. This takes the emotions out of our disciple and teaches our growing child that every single choice they make, good or bad, has a foreseeable consequence. This teaches them to expect it. Recognizing natural consequences to actions is the foundation for making good decisions.

Value Information and A Strong Case

     As parents we know that thoughtfulness and information gathering is a prerequisite to any big decision. Our children aren't naturally born understanding this and neither were we. So take the time to talk the possible situations and any issues with them before a decision is made. Teach them about pros and cons. Walk them through your own pros and cons list for a decision you made that day. Then let them know you believe in their ability to think through and make decisions. Just knowing you believe in them can give your child a boost of confidence and help fight choice paralysis. Another way to strengthen this skill is to have them practice convincing you. Give them a chance to make a case for the things they want. If the pros are enough and well laid out it might change a decision you had made for the group. For example: Just got wings for dinner but your kiddo is craving fries too. Let them make a case for their Whataburger fries. You might just end up with the best of both worlds and your kiddo got some reps in.

Teach The Decision Making Process

     We know there is much more than being informed or listing pros and cons to any good decision. So give your child a formula for that and have them go through it every time. A good intro model for decision making is to have your child ask themselves 1) Why do I want this? 2) What are my options? 3) What are the consequences of each of those? 4) Which consequence is best? 5) Breathe and then decide. In the beginning your child will mostly be thinking of short term or instant gratification consequences. Each day is an opportunity to build upon that and get them thinking more long term. And you can do this simply by living your life to the best of your ability. Yes fast food tonight sounds great (short term, instant gratification mindset), but Aunt Marsha's birthday is this weekend and I want to have a guilt free piece of cake that doesn't derail me of my goals (long term, goal oriented, growth mindset).

      Overall, raising a strong and competent decision maker will take time. It will be hard to see them fail, but it's better to give them room to practice now while they stakes are reasonably low. And childhood truly is the time to make mistakes. Most of the choices in this season are truly inconsequential long term. We just have to let the reigns down some and give them a little room to do so. So lay the groundwork for them to start choosing wisely. And then give them opportunities to practice. As always feel free to offer suggestions, but don't force your help or advice during this lesson. During this learning period you want to play the role of a trusted consultant, rather than an authoritarian boss. It will help them practice now and it will help them view and respect your trust and advice later during the tumultuous teenage years. Happy parenting! You've got this Warrior parents!

#RaiseAWarrior 

Tools For Parents: A Better Way To Praise

     If you followed along with our last blog post we touched on some of the negative effects that being a praise pusher can be. So this week it is all about solutions. I mean the premise of using praise to encourage good behavior seems basic, right? Good words for good deeds. But as we touched on last time there are some powerful ways our words can cause good and bad, so let's use them wisely.

Make Up For Negative Attention

     It's a fact that most of what we do as parents is correct. "Don't do this." "Please do that." It's part of why 'problem kids' get so much of our time and attention. But in predominantly focusing on the negative we are missing a key component that could completely flip the process. By drawing attention to the good you could motivate more positive behavior for everyone involved. So make positive re-framing the focus of your attention. Let them know which behaviors are great. Acknowledge those good acts and they will be more likely to continue. For example try "I love when you sit and play with legos. Why don't you build for me." It will be much more effective in getting the desired result rather than "Stop running around."

Be Specific

     Our words have a lot of power to help our child grow if we take the time to be thoughtful in our praise. When presented with the newest artistic masterpiece, "I love your use of color" or "Your blending has improved" is much more useful that "You're my favorite artist." The specificity of your praise let's them know what you genuinely like and gives them a focus to pour their effort into next time. So be specific and let your kiddo know what you want to see more of. This gentle guidance is a positive nudge that builds them up in the right direction and shows them the path to greater success.

Focus On Praising Effort

     In our last blog we pointed out that focusing on the end result or things that come naturally to your child can be counter productive in the long run and lead to a crippling fear of failure. It is far better to recognize and praise their effort sincerely. If they didn't do quite as well on something as they had hoped praise your child's hard work, praise their organization, or their dedication. These are traits they have power over. These are things they can develop and control. This keeps the focus on things that really matter- continued growth. 

Pay Attention To The Little Things

     Sometimes our children grow through periods where they mostly struggle. They still need our praise during this time. So if they did something without being told, take the time to praise them for it. Yes they have to brush their teeth every day, but we can praise their self reliance and for doing it without prompting. Praise is one of those things that can make a day better. So if you have been butting heads, if they've been in trouble recently or are going through something- take the time to pay attention to and praise the little things.

Don't Overdo It

     When we praise too much we lose all credibility with our child. So don't praise just to praise. Don't be insincere and just say words because every other parent is and do not under any circumstances label your child with your praise. When we call our child "Superstar," "Genius," "Angel," "Athlete," "Beauty," or "Smart" it can have far reaching negative effects. Especially if your child comes to view that trait as a part of their primary worth. So with your praise, don't over do it, keep the focus on your child's behavior - not their inherent traits- , and always be sincere. All of these little steps will really help in the years to come.

Keep Their Chin Up

     We know that we are our own worst critic and our children are no different. So if your child is belittling their own abilities or being hard on themselves don't let it go unchecked! Acknowledge your child's frustrations and then offer them hope and optimism. For example if your Warrior is struggling with the fact that they are not a strong swimmer, then acknowledge "Swimming is hard, but if you keep practicing and work hard I know you'll overcome." You can then redirect them back to a task they've already mastered (like holding their breath underwater in this instance) to stop their negative thought process and get them treating themselves with a little more kindness once more.

     Overall by taking these steps to praise more effectively we are building our child's confidence, showing them the path to focus on to achieve continued growth, teaching them to overcome obstacles and handle failure, while also being there to lift them when they are down. So take a look at how you do praise in your home and start implementing some of these easy steps today. Happy parenting!

#RaiseAWarrior