How To Get What You Want Without Nagging

     As parents we know there are many important things we need to teach our children during this time. And we tend to try to really drive home the point that this stuff really matters through repetition. But for some reason no matter how much we harp, nothing we say seems to get through to them. How do we teach our children to be good successful people if our advice just goes in one ear and out the other? What good are we achieving? Why does this method of teaching lead to such push back?

     The problem lies in nagging. No one sets out to be a nag. And most of us hate to be nagged ourselves. However, it is an easy parenting cycle to fall into. Because naturally in trying to really drive home our point we repeat ourselves over and over again. We are trying to help, but as we say the same thing again and again, our words start to lose their meaning. They lose their urgency because the listener knows you'll bring it up again later. And as we start to get frustrated by their lack of response, our initially kind and patient admonishments become a personal sore spot which we have no patience, no time, or understanding for. So today we're tackling why nagging doesn't work and how to get what you want in a more positive manner.

     

Why We Nag

     The first step towards fixing any problem is recognizing it. And nagging is no different. Nagging is surprisingly more about us than our kids. It can happen because we feel powerless and chaotic in certain aspects of our lives and so we seek control of something, even if it's just the micro behaviors of our family. Sometimes nagging occurs because we feel anxious for the competitive world in which our children will have to work in and so we constantly push them to the top and towards our perception of excellence. Sometimes we nag because we are so busy and stressed out that we are truly parenting on the fly. We begin barking instructions and sometimes forget amidst it all that they are children who need our patience and guidance.  And other times our nagging comes purely from unrealistic expectations or subconscious learned behaviors from our own parents. Regardless of the cause if your kids aren't listening to you regularly and you feel the need to nag it might be time to look within.

Why Nagging Doesn't Work

     No matter our good intentions, it is important for us to understand why our nagging is ineffective. Our nagging conveys many negative messages to our family. Nagging teaches that we don't trust each other to just do the right thing and that we feel the need to micro manage them with a double and triple check because they are incompetent or incapable. It is a controlling parenting tactic that can lead to resentment or more confrontation and rebellion (especially with an older child). It is a form of negative reinforcement, which science has proved time and time again to be an inferior model of teaching. Nagging is a constant form of finding fault and it can wear a child's self worth down. And at the end of the day it's just words. Our children learn to dodge these words and tune them out because experience has told them eventually you'll let it drop or finally do it yourself.

A Better Way Of Getting What You Want

     So how do we get out of this cycle? Because once we fall into a routine of nagging there is always something else to nag about. And for those of us doing the nagging, it is exhausting to stay on top of everything for every one all the time. So where does it end? Luckily for us tired parents there is a better way for you to get what you want consistently from your family. It just takes a little bit of retraining for them and you. So here the Warrior Parent's action plan to making the change

1. Find Your Triggers: As parents, each of us have individual things we feel compelled to fix in our child. There are triggers that just matter more to us. For example some of you can avoid nagging over sloppiness much easier than you can homework hurdles. Our child's education just carries more weight. We feel compelled to do something about it so they can be successful. Identifying your triggers for nagging and understanding why you feel compelled to do so goes a long way towards ending this parenting cycle.We know that everyone needs a push from time to time and the last thing we want is to not push our children when it's needed; but it is also important to realize that when parenting from a position of insecurity we rarely choose the best path.
   
   
2. Listen to find the root problem: Nagging is the opposite of listening. And if there are reasons for our nagging there are also most likely reasons for our child's inaction. Yes it is very important to you that your child has a love of learning and get's their homework done. Maybe they are dragging their feet because they don't want to be the smart kid and mocked by the peers. Or maybe it's as simple as they want to finish this episode or level first. When we take the time to listen to our child we are putting ourselves on the same side rather than on opposite ends of a battle field. 
   
   
3. Plan B: Once you've examined yours and your child's reasons for action or inaction it's time for plan B. There are several ways to do this. (1) You can let your child suggest a plan, (2) you can come up with a plan together, or (3) you can set forth the natural consequence and step back and let them decide. So if we continue using the homework hurdle as an example. Instead of nagging your child to get their work done you can (1) ask them to tell you their plan so you don't have to worry anymore. This shows your child concern for their education but also confidence in their ability to make it happen and problem solve. (2) If your child isn't certain how to succeed you can come up with a plan together. Maybe it is distraction holding them back instead of fear or distaste. In which case setting a timer and checking in on them routinely might be beneficial. (3) And if all else fails don't be afraid to lay out the negatives like it is. No they don't actually have to read that book or write that report right now. They don't have to pass their classes. However, there are natural consequences to their actions that you cannot and will not protect them from. And if they choose them you will let them fail a grade, be kicked out of sports/extracurricular activities, and do summer school.
   
   
4. Empower Your Child With The Right Tools: We can't expect our children to succeed without the right tools to strengthen them. And we do feel the need to nag when we don't believe our child is able to succeed. So if your child is easily distracted during homework time or wants to game first get them a timer or alarm. They can set it for an agreed upon period of time to reorient themselves or let them know it is time to get busy. If your child is misplacing assignments get them things to help organize better or help them setup a homework station so all their things are right where it's needed. If your child is forgetting assignments or missing deadlines try a planner, electronic reminders or a wall calendar. An empowered child is one with the right tools. And if we've set them up for success there isn't really a need for our nagging.
   
   
   
   
   
5. Positive Reinforcement: Building new habits take time. It will be quite a transition for you to stop nagging and for your child to take a more active role in getting tasks done. So praise-praise-praise. And if you must correct use the model praise-correct-praise. If your child turns off their game when the timer goes off or doesn't have to scramble to find their assignments before they go to school praise their execution of their end of the bargain. Praise their preparedness, their great attitude, their organization, their work-play balance. Be creative with your praises so they remain sincere. But if your child didn't quite hold up to their end of the bargain, don't nag. Use the positive reinforcement technique of praise-correct-praise. Praise them for starting their homework. Correct them by saying "In the future you would like them to use the timer like they agreed upon to avoid distraction." And praise them to end on a positive note by saying "You're proud that they're getting back on track so quickly."

     The bottom line is nagging is an exhausting and unsuccessful parenting tact. We know that by making these slight course corrections with your family you will be more successful and have more time for what truly matters- raising strong children with good character while making awesome memories together. You've got this!

#RaiseAWarrior