Perfectionism. Sometimes it is a word mistakenly used to recognize our child's accomplishments and how proud we are of their hard work. However, for those of us raising a perfectionist child, we know that it's no small matter. Parenting a perfectionist is hard. That isn't to say we don't want our children to hold themselves to high standards. They can and they should do so. But perfectionism is unattainable. If you expect life to be perfect, you are establishing unrealistic goals and can never be satisfied with the result. And we want our children to be happier than that. We want them to enjoy and recognize their accomplishments and growth, not say it's good luck and begin worrying about performing as well in the future. So as we get into the swing of this interesting school year here are some important lessons or mantras to teach your child. These mantras are aimed directly against the false beliefs of perfectionism and can be reiterated regularly in our day to day lives by our parenting response (be it words or deeds). Because for all of us recovering perfectionists out there we know that perfectionism left unchecked just makes life harder than it truly should be.
I can make mistakes and ask for help.
A perfectionist child perpetually puts themselves in a difficult spot. Because perfectionists feels unable to make mistakes or ask for help. The idea of doing so makes them feel less than. It makes them feel uncomfortably vulnerable and the opposite of successful. Sometimes this goes to such extremes that they present a facade or lie to seem perfect and like they have it all together. They mistakenly place their value in the ability to do all things perfectly and this falsity puts the enormous weight of the world on their shoulders. Parents of these children must constantly reiterate that everyone makes mistakes from time to time and so asking for a little help or experiencing a setback is not a sign of failure or weakness; but rather strength in knowing their limits and moving beyond them.
My way isn't always the best way.
Perfection is the perfectionists true north. It is their sole thought, goal and purpose. And since they view themselves as a perfectionist, all other's fall a little short of this goal. This makes it very difficult for the perfectionist to recognize other's ideas and see the value of another's perspective. This unwillingness to incorporate and objectively view other's ideas leads to difficulties playing with siblings and other children now and more hardships in the work place and relationships later on. Parents of perfectionist children must help them see the value other's bring to the table and that their ideas and views aren't always right.
I am enough just as I am.
We've mentioned that perfectionist children feel the need to appear perfect and will lie and hide things to make certain this facade or view of themselves remains intact. The last thing we want is for our children to feel the need to hide and pretend with us. We don't want them to grow up feeling like they will be condemned for showing their true selves. We don't want them to fear mistakes and view it as a ruination of relationships and to believe that a show of weakness or mistakes will lead to us viewing them as an irreparable disappointment. Our child will always be loved, mistakes and all, because that's what being a parent is. Teaching them now that they are already accepted, and loved for who they are in this moment, no matter what, will go a long ways towards reversing the ill effects of perfectionism. So let your child know they don't have to prove themselves worthy, for they are already yours and are forever loved as such.
Perfectionism at it's core is based on a number of lies and false beliefs. These are incorrect views about ourselves and the world around us. Beliefs that we aren't enough, we can't show weakness, and that our mistakes change the way others love and care for us. So as we continue with this different sort of school year we hope these positively phrased mantras serve as reminder, no matter our age. Because we are enough. Giving our best and intermittently experiencing setback or failure is okay. Asking for help can be a sign of strength. And the right people, the true ones, will love us and stand by us no matter our faults.
#RaiseAWarrior
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