Empty Threats: A Guide For Warrior Parents

     Disciplining a child can feel like a lesson in escalation. I mean day in and day out it goes like this... child breaks rule, we punish child. Child breaks same rule again, we punish harder. Child breaks same rule for the up-teenth time and the whole system starts to break. We're frustrated, we punish hard, and we threaten far worse to come in the future if they dare try us again. 

• "You'll be grounded for a month" (hmmm.... immediately starts thinking probably not as it limits the whole families ability to do things and is super inconvenient). 
• "I'll throw away your game system" (nope, won't really do that one either. Our child being able to self entertain allows us to get a lot of things done without having to worry too much about them). 
• "I will turn this car around" (well... actually... no I won't. This outing has been planned for awhile and invested in. We all need a break from routine and a single moment of bad behavior isn't going to change that). 
• "Calm down and finish your dinner or you'll have no dessert" (... come to think of it... we might do that if it was just us, but we are out at dinner with friends and we won't all eat dessert without them. That is going too far). 

     So will we really push the punishment to such extremes? Most of the time the second an empty threat leaves our mouth we already begin mentally backtracking. And though we think it harmless our lack of follow through has far reaching consequences. Now don't get us wrong. Every parent slips up and uses an empty threat from time to time. It's just a knee jerk reaction when we are under pressure, stressed, embarrassed, and desperate for anything to work. And in the beginning our empty threats do work. There is some initial behavior change. But as we continue to show a complete lack of follow through  we realize that while empty threats might be a common parenting tool that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good one. So as we enter the crazy holiday season we want to touch base on what empty threats teach our child and what to do instead.

Empty Threats Teach Our Child To Mistrust

     Kids are extremely smart and they are constantly soaking up lessens through even the most mundane of our interactions. A young child initially knows only trust. They mean and do what they say and expect everyone else to do the same. But as life goes on they begin to learn a different sort of lesson. They start to pick up that things don't always go as stated. An empty threat or a broken promise from us teaches our child that this is now acceptable behavior. Now that the things we say mean less there is a sense of mistrust in the relationship. And this changes the stakes and leads us to problem number two.

Empty Threats Teach Our Child To Hide Their Behavior

     Consequences are supposed to help socialize our child and help them internalize good morals. This happens through rules done consistently, reasonable punishments and when we take the time to explain the reasons behind the rules at a level they can understand. But when our punishments are emotional, and used to intimidate rather than inform it undermines our child's sense of rules and consequences. Instead of helping them internalize lessons and morals your vastly varied approach to punishments is teaching them that rules are dependent upon the context of the situation. This draws too much attention to the punishment. It leads to rationalizing their way out of trouble or even worse being sneaky and lying to avoid punishment. And if they do comply it is for the entirely wrong reasons and means they aren't likely to comply when they're away from you. Which is a problem since no one offers them their first beer, cigarette, or a chance to bully someone in front of you. 

Consistent Discipline Teaches Our Child To Trust Us

     When we consistently set rules, explain the rationale behind them and set reasonable consequences our child knows they can rely on us and the predictability of our morals no matter what. It helps them trust our judgement better and feel more comfortable coming to us with their mistakes, problems, or those moral gray areas of uncertainty. Investing in cultivating this healthy attachment now does wonders during the teenage years. 

Consistent Discipline Teaches Our Child Strong Morals

     This happens when our consequences are logical. A consequence should be related to the offense and setup to repair the harm of their actions. This helps children learn how to view their behavior with an empathetic lens. Now before acting they pause to ask themselves "How will this action affect themselves and others?" For example a sibling who fought and wasn't willing to share/play with their sibling kindly shouldn't be isolated as a punishment. They couldn't solve their problems and that is what they wanted, for their sibling to ultimately go away and let them play alone. Instead making them repair that damage and work together with the sibling is a much more suitable punishment. It isn't forever, but give them a set amount of time that way they can spend that focused time repairing the harm their choices caused.

      So stop threatening misbehaving children without actually following through. Especially during the holidays. I know we are all stressed and busy, but don't give in to the siren's call of empty promises and hollow threats during the season. Take the focus off the number of presents Santa is going to bring. That is a band aid solution and not effective. Stick with Santa is watching and very proud of your kindness, or your patience. This kind of praise spotlights good behavior or character traits and encourages more of it. Because in the end our kids ultimately want to make us proud. So take that elf on the shelf or the myth of Santa and use it for good. Don't threaten or promise. Use them as a means to encourage more good behavior. And as always take time to breathe and think. We know that parenting is one of those delicate balancing acts between fostering a caring and loving relationship while being firm and teaching strong moral character. But it is one of those things that is always worth your time and incredibly priceless in the long run. You've got this Warrior parents. And we've got your back. 

#RaiseAWarrior