This new year we've really been focused on looking to history to help us lead better lives today. Parenting is no different. Most of our knee jerk responses and learned parenting behaviors come from those who raised us. Some of it is good, some is great, and some is definitely less than. It is up to us to consciously improve upon the framework we've been taught. One such method that can help you improve is an ideal that is stoic in nature. And while stoicism, like all things, has its limitations, it can help you be a better parent. So here it is - stoicism 101...
Stoicism is a philosophy based on focusing your energy and well-being on the things which are in your control. We know innately that some things are beyond our control, that no one is in complete control over their lives and that bad things happen to good people. You can attempt to influence things with your efforts, but nothing is guaranteed.
This ties in because as a parent one of the hardest thing for us is anxiety for our children and their futures. No matter the age of our child (because those feelings don't just magically go away when they're an adult) we are anxious for the future and want what is best for them. We want so many things for them. I mean what parent doesn't want our children to be healthy, AND happy, AND successful, AND stable. There has to come a point however, where we realize that ultimately all of those things are outside of our control. Sure we will have opinions on things like who they hang out with, who they marry, what careers they pursue. We can give advice and guide, but it is ultimately up to our children what they do with the information we give and the decisions they make. That is on them.
This isn't to say we give up our high hopes for their future. I mean once a parent always a parent right? There is nothing in this world that will ever stop us from wishing the best for our child. But knowing your limitations is so important and helps us focus our energy in more positive manners. Unconditionally, absolutely, positively love your children and express that love all the time now that is something you have control over. Always be there when your child needs you. That is within your power. And when you can't control the situation or outcome give support, push a little and nag a little if you have to, but recognize that ultimately whatever happens, well it happens. And it isn't on us.
The freedom of this principle is that is allows us to let go of our desired specific outcomes, and instead focus our time and attention on overall happiness and on changing what is within our realm of control. The freedom in knowing that if we've done all we can as a parent, we should be content. It gives us a place of tranquility and peace to operate from and it makes us so much happier short term and long term. So be a stoic parent in training. Letting go of the things you want outside of your control will be a work in progress, but it is definitely a worthwhile one. You've got this.
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