We want our children to grow up to be good, productive, happy members of society. And so we try to impart our wisdom and build within them a strong sense of character and a good moral compass. But no matter how hard we try, sooner or later all kids lie. And that's a little upsetting to us parents. It feels a bit like failure.
The truth is all children will go through a lying phase. It is a normal stage of cognitive development to begin telling tall tales and exaggerating the truth. It is a sign of increased word skill and an active imagination. But as those tall tales turn into little white lies, and then on towards lying to avoid consequences, discomfort, or undesirable activities we start to get concerned. And we absolutely should Warrior parents. Because if we don't take a stand against lying now, they'll only get better at hiding the truth from us as they get older. We have a few short years of pivotal influence over the character of our growing child and we have to make the most of that. So here is an action plan to stop lying and help get your Little Warrior or keep them on track.
Check Yourself
Tooth Fairy... Santa Clause... Easter Bunny... these are some little white lies meant to keep the magic of childhood alive longer. And many parents feel that's a good enough cause to stretch the truth a bit. But what of the other, not so innocent lies we tell our children. The ones we tell to save time? The empty threats we use to try and get them to behave? The count down which everyone knows is a bluff. The lies we tell to get out of and delay their tricky questions? What kind of example are we setting by regularly lying to our child? What damage is being done as they start to realize not to trust everything we say? How can we expect them to value honesty, when we don't hold ourselves to the same standards.
Give Them A Chance To Think
Most of us have heard of the fight or flight mechanisms that are inherently ingrained to us. Studies are showing more and more that there are two more sub types of knee jerk reactions. There is a freeze, and then (especially in children) there is a fib response also. When a child feels cornered and like punishment is looming, sometimes the lies begin to spill forth. This is because they are impulsively blurting out an answer before taking the time to think, and respond appropriately. So teach your child to count think before they speak. If they do blurt out something untrue, stay calm. When we react angrily or with judgement they will continue to spew forth lies to diffuse the situation. Instead, stay calm. Take a breath yourself and ask them if they "would like a moment to think about their answer?" Usually this patient reproach is all it takes to get them back on track without further confrontation. Once they've mastered this step you can start teaching them what consequences naturally come from lying (i.e. lost friends, lost trust, etc) so they can begin to think on those possibilities while they pause before they speak.
Don't Play Detective
This one is hard to do (or in this case, not do). Sometimes our parenting "spidey-sense" just starts to tingle and we smell a rat. But the truth is when we try and intermittently fail to detect when they are lying or not, we are giving our child a chance to perfect this skill set. And that isn't good for any of us in the long run. Since children often lie to avoid punishment sometimes it is better to simply state the obvious and move onto a small, but consistent discipline. So instead of getting into the drama of "I shoved him because he cut in line," and "I cut in line because he said she was my girlfriend." Try instead "We don't shove. Please take a five-minute timeout."
Emphasize Good Relationships
Many lies are told when a growing child or teen's sense of self worth or image is threatened. This can lead to complications between friends, social circles, and in our home. One of the best things my parents did growing up was emphasize the strength of our relationship. That no matter what I had done I couldn't change their love for me. My self worth, that image of our relationship was never threatened and could never be threatened. They were a safety net, no matter the hour. They didn't insist to know every aspect of my life, but they did sleep soundly knowing I would always call if I needed help.
So take the time to build up a strong foundation of trust and honesty during their early years. Teach your child to examine why they were tempted to lie in the first place. Help them work through the consequences that come from lying. Always be honest yourself. Take the time to praise their honesty because you know it wasn't the easy thing to do. And continue to build up that moral compass to ensure they'll always have it to help during difficult times and when the stress of growing up gets a little too intense.
#RaiseAWarrior
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