Labels tend to stick no matter what age we are. Growing up for me, the one that stuck out the most was bossy. Now as an older sibling I've got to admit I could be bossy at times. I took my job as eldest very seriously and I tried to be the best example I could be. If a sibling wasn't following the rules or being safe I wasn't afraid to call them on it and hold them accountable. But the word bossy isn't necessarily a positive one. I helped my mom corral our big group frequently, so it was only natural I would try to continue to do so even when not asked. However, instead of being recognized as a leader, helpful, or a great teammate I (and my behavior) got casually labeled as bossy. Growing up I was very self conscious of the fact that others might see me as 'too bossy' if I spoke out, had ideas, or tried to take charge of a project. It made the high school/college years interesting to say the least. And even now I catch myself saying "Just a thought" as a precursor to any idea proposal I might have so it doesn't seem like I think my idea is too important, or like I think my way is better than anyone else. Essentially, even now, years later, I am trying hard not to appear 'bossy' in my day to day interactions with others.Now I'm sure we all have countless examples of little words and actions that stick with us as the internal labels we desperately want to break free of. So that being said, are we being choosy when it comes to the words we use to describe our child and their behavior? Are we consciously trying to shape their inner voice or in the heat of the moment do we use our words thoughtlessly? Do we speak negatively within our child's hearing, unaware that these sometimes flippant off hand comments can leave a lasting mark not easily dissipated? Slow poke. Messy. Lazy. Irresponsible. Bossy. The list goes on and on. We don't mean for these descriptive words to become labels, but they tend to stick in the mind of whoever overhears it enough. As parents we aren't trying to be mean or irrevocably change our child's outlook on themselves. We're simply human. And while we strive to be better than our parents we just don't always realize the ripples our actions have. So here are some things to keep in mind when it comes to using our words that will help the whole family grow stronger.
The Power of a Positive Feedback Cycle:
When we focus on everything our child is doing wrong or struggling with it puts us in a very negative state of mind. When things start getting hard we parents might feel embarrassed or resentful of their behavior. There might be some confusion on where to go from here or how to fix things. There is the perpetual exhaustion of battling against the same thing day in and day out without an end in sight. And every parent knows the ever constant fear of how our kids will ultimately turn out. This negative focus on how things are going then negatively starts to affect our patience. We get shorter and more terse when interacting with our already struggling child and then they in turn misbehave more. It's a vicious cycle that starts and ends with how we are viewing and labeling their behaviors. So stop dwelling on the negative. Work through the feelings you're having so you can better support them. Is the fact that your child is intermittently demanding a solely negative thing? Or does it mean they are decisive and know what they want? A child who is considered nosy is also being curious. Are both of those things bad or are we labeling it in a negative light and dwelling solely on that? A child who is stubborn may be hard to work with at times, but persistence is a key to success and isn't inherently bad. Consciously changing how you view your child's actions also gives you a clearer view of your role as a parent. Where once you fretted over their negative traits now you are thinking of how to hone the inherent positive skills your child has. You recognize your role in grooming your child to be the leader they naturally are. By channeling their natural traits into positive characteristics you are now sailing with the winds, instead of against them. And smoother sailing is ahead. So start a cycle of positivity by improving how you and your family views and labels other's behaviors. It will vastly change the environment of your home and how you all interact with each other.
Alright so now that we've gotten negative labels out of the way, can our excessive praise and positive labels also negatively impact our growing Warriors? The truth is their are two main dangers when we constantly praise our child...
The first danger is that we are teaching them to seek external validation whether than viewing their own work as worthy. This is not inherently bad, but it can lead to some unforeseen consequences if we are careless with our praise. If our child relies solely on external validation to view their worth then what happens when the world isn't all cheering for them? As parents we know how hard it is for our efforts to go unrecognized or underappreciated, but it does regularly happen. It's important that we don't praise our child to the point that they cannot see the worth of their own efforts without someone else saying "great job" and patting them on the back. The worth of our work has to come from within. The world won't always recognize the great things we're doing or the challenges we've overcome. It is up to us to be our own cheerleaders sometimes. So next time your little one brings home their newest school masterpiece for your opinions and praise take a moment to ask them what they think about it first. Let them form an opinion of their own work and praise them for recognizing it's worth on their own. Then you can lavish all the praise you want on the newest safari animal that strangely resembles a colored blob. We need to give them all the chances we can to strengthen their inner cheerleader and burn those reps in self validation before the world tries to take that away.
Focus on the Process:
The second danger of excessive positive labels doesn't rear it's head until your child starts to struggle with something. Labels like smart, pretty, and athletic are empowering truths we want our child to know about themselves. However, these labels can also lead to a fair amount of pressure that can be hard to consistently live up to. For example straight A student's are consistently told they are "smart" and "hard working." So how will they feel when they bring home that first C? What if they've taken on too many AP classes and they feel they need to drop some? For a child that has grown up being defined as smart, these situations can be difficult. Because although the labels we give our child are meant to be positive, uplifting, and encouraging they also imply our expectations on them. An "athletic" kid will want to do good and be athletic because it makes us proud of them and we have come to expect that great effort. A "smart" kid will struggle with feeling like they are disappointing us if they bring back grades that are anything less than their normal. This isn't to say don't praise your kids. They need you to be their cheerleader until they learn to be their own. But we also need to praise the process and the journey. Most of life is the tiny steps working towards becoming better. The majority of our days aren't filled with praise or recognition. Labels are great, but the journey to greatness is more fulfilling and won't fail you or shift the way temporary labels can. So praise those good grades, but also praise every step that got them to that point and let them know that those steps are what truly makes you proud.
So take care with your words whether you're frustrated, angry, tired, or content. We think they don't overhear what we say, but they're listening and they hear. The words we choose matter more than you could possible know to your growing child. So keep an eye on your word choice. Remember that what we say matters. As you keep these suggestions in the back of your mind you'll be amazed at the difference it will make in your child's confidence and behavior. Most of all keep trying to be better every day! We know you've got this Warrior parents.
#RaiseAWarrior
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