What Is Shaping Our Children?

 

                We’ve all heard the age-old adage you are what you eat. I prefer the saying you are what you constantly surround yourself with. Because all the things we love to do and spend our time focused on have power. Power to shape and influence us and this power comes in many forms; from the friends we sit with, the shows we watch, and yes even the music we listen to.  This is only multiplied in today’s age, with the power of the internet in our pockets with us wherever we go. There is an endless array of influences, but not all of them necessarily have your child’s best interest at heart. So here are some things that are shaping your child’s worldview and ways to be more cautious and conscious about their impact.

Video Games

It is common knowledge to check video game ratings and question the amount of violence and screen time we allow our children to partake in under the guise of fun. But video game culture has been changing and so has it’s influence on our children. Here are some sticky things that might be on your radar, but you should consider watching for it not

Interacting with strangers: Most popular games right now have an interactive, online, social component. This allows your child to instantly connect with all kinds of children and predators. Online gaming requires more monitoring than the previous standards. Frequently check in with your child for signs of grooming, your child being bullied or taking part in bullying. Discuss online safety regularly and what information is okay to share/believe and what is not. And if your parenting Spidey sense is alerting you in any way consider pulling the plug (literally) on online platforms period. There is too much bad out there to let their online interactions occur without some guidance and without monitoring. Another way to ensure these interactions are safe is to move all gaming systems to public areas and not allow headsets. It can be annoying to hear the constant stream of chatter, but it also allows you to keep an eye quite literally on what is happening.

Celebrity gamers: This is a newer concept that continues to gain traction in the hearts and minds of young gamers. Used to kids wanted to grow up to be doctors, nurses, firefighters, teachers, or professional athletes. Today’s generation still has those but also the increasingly common goals of “influencer, professional gamer, YouTube celebrity, or become viral.” While these are more readily becoming careers it is important to monitor which celebrities your child is following. Your child looks up to them and is readily trying to imitate them. Some of these celebrities are quite abrasive regularly “yelling, cussing, and mocking the poorer players.” If that isn’t the kind of person you want your child to look up to and emulate you might want to take a more conscious stance on monitoring who their favorite Youtubers are.

Streaming Services

Streaming services have spoiled us. Used to waiting a week or more for a new episode was the normal and we would eagerly gather as a family to watch the newest one together. Now when a new show release we are done with it in a week or less and heaven forbid a show like Mandalorian makes us wait a week between episodes. That is so old school now. We are a culture who has become used to having readily available content and the ability to binge watch countless shows at our leisure. And while we can separate reality from fiction when enjoying a show our children haven’t always gained that necessary skill. Our children shouldn’t be learning how to date, handle conflict, etc from TV shows or movies. And don’t even get us started on the fact that viral shows meant for adult entertainment (like Squid Games) are common topics of discussion among elementary aged children and the theme of their Halloween costumes. We can and should be doing better than that monitoring what our children watch and enjoy in their free time. Free time should not be free of monitoring especially at such a young and impressionable age. There are countless parenting resources that share exactly why the show or movie is rated the way it is. Educate yourself and decide how much is too much to allow in your home.

Music

Music also has an equally strong pull on our growing children. The lyrics are either strengthening the values we are trying to instill in them or proving them irrelevant. And music also has the unique pull of being deeply tied to our emotions. So here are some things about music we should be monitoring, teaching, and instilling in our children.

Teach music and mood: Music has a powerful pull on our emotions. It can pump us up, fuel our rage, or make our sadness that much sadder. We should be teaching our children to use music in a positive manner. One in which we are seeking to improve our mood and not prolong a negative emotional state. Make tedious things that are necessary (like chores or getting ready for school) more fun by curating as a family your favorite upbeat playlists. Take an interest in your child’s musical tastes. Encourage the creative expression of making playlists and share them with each other regularly. A child’s Spotify playlists can tell you a lot about their emotional state.

Look at the lyrics: Just like the shows our kids watch the lyrics are also sending a message. It can be the catchiest song in the world, but do we truly want our child repeating such explicit or innuendos in public. You would be amazed some of the phrases your child is picking up just by the music we surround them with. And even if we don’t consciously hear or understand every word our (and our child’s) brains are more powerful than we realize. The days of radio censorship seem a thing of the past so it’s up to you to look at the music you listen too with your children critically. If you aren’t willing to read and explain the lyrics to your child, then perhaps now is not the time to be enjoying such music together.

Social Media

I feel we all are starting to see the impact that our children’s time on Youtube, TikTok, Instagram, Snapchat, and such is having on them. However, if you are one of the few who still hasn’t seen it yet here is your wakeup call. Social media is the pulpit from which the world is preaching to our kids. Our children are learning all about themselves and the world’s perception of the meaning of life every time they open an app. The only time it is acceptable to be innocent to the dangers of the world is as a child. We are not children and as a parent you should be checking in on this on a regular basis. There are too many dangers and repercussions if not. Educate yourself on the new platforms they are talking about. Look into parenting monitoring apps that allow you to check in on your child or notifies you when a new contact has been input or requested. Consider long and hard the effects of unlimited device usage and how early you are willing to begin that battle and bring it into your home.

It is naïve to think that our children are only being shaped and learning to be the people they will grow up to be within the confines of our home. The world is pulling and testing them 24/7 through these devices and others. Make sure you are giving your child more than a device and access to the internet, make sure you are giving them guidance, monitoring, and the awareness and strength they need to succeed. You’ve got this Warrior parents.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Parenting and the 3 Pillars of Trust

                 I was reading an article from Harvard Business about managing people the other day and it got us thinking about parenting. What is parenting but an exercise in managing people? Albeit sometimes tiny illogical, and unreasonably emotional people, but our children are people none the less. Growing people who need guidance from a good leader. The kind of leader who doesn’t only show them the way forward but helps them understand the why. Because the why is empowering and it will allow your child to act similarly in the future when you aren’t there to guide them. So, if we look at parenting, like leadership, from a business or partnership model what is the currency that gives them worth or credit? The answer is trust.

Trust is the most essential form of capital that any good leader has and the same is true of parents. Our children trusting us is crucial to us being able to help shape them into being the best version of themselves. And trust is hard earned and easily lost. So today we’re going to break down trust into 3 core drivers. By simplifying this process, it will help us identify our strengths, identify our weaknesses, and improve from there. So, let’s look at the pillars of the trust triangle and what that looks like as a parent.

Logic: 

I know your reasoning and judgement are sound

                In the beginning our children have no choice but to trust our judgement, but as they grow this becomes less and less so which culminates in the wonderful pre-teen and teen “know it all years.” We shore up our child’s present and future trust in our logic by being consistent. You must trust your judgement and you must demonstrate that and a willingness to follow through. This wobble most often becomes evident in our household rules and disciplinary measures (or lack thereof). If you feel your relationship with your child is wobbling in this area, take a good look at how you make decisions, follow through with them, and meet out consequences. If they are haphazard your logic will also seem so. This is a pivotal area because we need our children to trust in our reasoning and judgement, so they are willing to come to us with life’s hard stuff. This won’t happen if you yell at them over chores not being done one day and then ground them for 3 weeks the next. This also doesn’t happen if you then reverse your 3-week grounding after 2-4 days because you realize it is more inconvenient for you and the family. And when you feel their trust wobbling in this area remember it is okay to acknowledge you don’t have all the right answers and be willing to apologize when you’ve done wrong. We’re human after all and our children are learning too.

Authenticity: 

I know and experience the real you

                We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it 10,000 more times. Your kids are watching and learning from you even when it seems like they aren’t. If they see you being one person in public and one person in private, you have an authenticity wobble and that will lead to its own realm of trust problems. Of course, we all give the people in the world different levels of ourselves. That is natural and normal even. What isn’t normal is when I am outside the home projecting that I am kind, patient, understanding, and the most even-tempered person in the world, but that within the “safety” of my home I am a ball of yelling, frustration, and quick to anger. Our children need to know you. The real you. They deserve to see and know and learn from that best version of you. They have to know that if we want to know the real person are child is in return.

Empathy: 

I know you care about me and my success

                It seems like this one should be an easy one. Of course, our children should know we think and care about them and their success. However, today’s modern workplace and lifestyle is increasingly distracting us and pulling at our attention almost 24/7. Looking at your past week I am sure you can see rampant examples of this. How often do we ask our child to hold on a moment while we finish on our phone, that we divide our attention and multi-task, or that we abruptly had to change plans because of work? Those buzzing devices are ever present in ours (and by proxy our family’s life) and they make multi-tasking all too easy. Your child recognizes and feels that split attention over time. If we don’t make conscious efforts to disconnect and assert our family’s importance you might be on track to an empathy wobble. This one is typically tricky for the parents who are naturally more analytic, and results or achievement driven. So, if you think your trust might be in danger of an empathy wobble step back and recert your child’s importance. Sometimes it is necessary to put the phone aside and be fully engaged. The costs if we do not are incomparable.

                We know that looking at these 3 pillars of trust can be hard. Any foray into self-awareness usually is, but if you have the resources look at your other close relationships. Which area do you wobble with them? Odds are the things you struggle with will be across most of your relationships. You’ve got this Warrior parents. Every day you try to be better than the day before is a good day in parenting.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Parenting: A Look At Doing Our Best

                 Have you ever asked your parents (good or bad) why they did something a certain way while you were growing up and they responded with the vague, apologetic response “I did my best”? I mean that whole response in and of itself is interesting to think about as a parent, doing our best. What does that truly mean? Does it mean we have a plan? Does it mean we are acting or merely reacting? Does it refer solely to our good intentions? Is there a method to “doing our best” or is it all just chaos theory wrapped up in minutia of choices we are forced to make in the heat of the moment? And if we are disregarding all that hypothetical speculation for a moment - if the situation was reversed and your now grown-up child is asking you the reasoning behind your parenting actions, would you want to merely respond with “I did my best.” Would that be enough for you? Would that be enough for your child? Is that enough for us to give them hypothetically in the future or in very reality now?

                If this brief monologue made you uncomfortable in any way take a time out and acknowledge that feeling. Being uncomfortable is a cue that something doesn’t sit right with us. It is a nudge and a hint that we should do better. And we’re here to tell you that you can. You can always be a better parent, starting today, from whatever season you’re in. Here’s how to not fall into common traps that lead to the “I did my best” mentality.

If you fail to plan, plan to fail

                Parenting is an individual experience. And a lot of our parenting decisions and ideals will stem from our very individual core values (if you haven’t checked that out yet core values and a quick project to understand yours are check our previous posts). What is important to you and your family must be created within the atmosphere of your home. That doesn’t happen without some forethought. So take some time discover your families core values and when making decisions in line with who you are as a family and who you are trying to be. This is also a great mindset for choosing between two good options.

Parenting is also a linear journey with some standard milestones and hurdles that the average family units encounter. Starting to figure out where you stand on issues (like dating, curfews, sleepovers, cell phones, etc) before they come up allows you to have a plan. This helps prevent inconsistencies in our parenting style and answers and helps foster reliability and trust between all members of the family unit.

Bottom line have a plan! Without a plan and some forethought, we can’t anticipate the consequences and are acting purely in the heat of the moment. And snap decisions rarely help us achieve our desired outcomes so do yourself and your kiddo a favor, have a plan, and be flexible.

Realize the Ecolacy of Parenthood

Ecolacy is a principle of realizing that we never merely do one thing. Every choice, and every action, has the potential for long term effects greater than the initial cause and effect that we can immediately perceive as possible. Parenthood is the same. All our thoughts, our choices, our actions add up to something. Maybe not today but over the next 10 days, 6 month, 5 years it can easily become more apparent. Realizing this discourages our self-delusion that the consequences are minimal because it forces us to look further down the timeline. For example, does breaking this one promise to our child this once truly make or break them? No. Over time could it become a habit of grandiose words and disappointing actions that leads to more permanent effects? Absolutely. Realizing this can help us find a better way because we are looking beyond the moment. Perhaps we request a postpone on the promise because something came up. Surely that is more beneficial than hoping they don’t remember (fyi they always remember so don’t even try that one).

Realize that we are hardwired to act

As parents do you ever feel like we’re just go, go, going all the time? We have convinced ourselves that motion and action is good. After all those things lead to progress and so we fill our schedules to the brim and rush through our day-to-day life. And even though we are mentally and emotionally wiped by the end of it we tell ourselves it feels good. Because we spent all day doing what felt like something. But a word of caution. We live in a society that praises the hustle. The desire to fill our schedule to the brim and constantly be on the go is an illusion of progress, that feeds our ego, and shelters us from feelings of failure. Not all action is good action and sometimes the best thing we can do is rest and make space for unplanned activity or better yet inactivity.

View your choices as reversible or not

Some choices are minor, like what your child chooses to wear for the day. But some are not so little. So if you’re stuck on a parenting decision try viewing them as reversible or not? If you don’t allow sleepovers and play dates outside the home right now is that permanent or irreversible? If not don’t fret the small stuff. Reversible decisions can be made now and revisited when there is more time to think about it when you aren’t rushed or emotionally charged (pro tip: with older kids saying “We can revisit this topic at a later date” lets them know you need more time to think about it and that the initial decision could be changed).

There you have it Warrior parents. Some words of wisdom to help you not use “I’m did my best” as an excuse, but rather something you and your child will both confidently know and not need to question. You’ve got this!

 #RaiseAWarrior 

 

 

 

 

 

Guilt Tripping: The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

“I work so hard for us, why can’t you get up and help around some.”

“I really thought you were more mature than that.”

“You make me disappointed and sad when you do that. Do you really want to hurt my feelings.”

“Come on! I taught you better than that.”

“I expected more from you.”

 

Sound familiar?

    Often as parents we use guilt trips to jump start our kids or spur them into action. And we get what we want. There may be some groaning, eye rolls, or even tears, but we usually get some kind of action. The question is at what cost? I mean every parent does it from time to time after all so how could it truly be. However, anytime we consistently use anything to obtain compliance there are always messages learned. There can be no cause without an effect. And whether you can see beyond this parenting instance or not is of little matter in the long run. We can’t give into knee jerk parenting. So today we’ll be looking at what kind of message guilt tripping sends our children (and even our spouse) and ways we can stop this cycle and improve from here on out.

Consider this comment…

“When you do (blank) it makes me really sad and disappointed. Do you really want to hurt my feelings?” At one point we’ve all said something similar. And why? We are intending to pull empathy from our child. We want them to consider another’s feelings and in turn, elicit a guilty feeling in them that will hopefully change behavior. But what messages does this statement really send when used repeatedly?

 

#1) It teaches your child they are responsible for your feelings (fun fact they are not)

#2) It teaches your child that you care more about your own feelings than theirs (this is literally us modeling the opposite of empathy)

 

Now when we look at it this way we can see that guilt tripping definitely doesn’t have the effect we once hoped. So where do we go from here? Here’s a quick action plan for ways to break free of this habit and get what you want from your child in a better way.

 

Find the why: 

    What makes you resort to guilt tripping. Often it is in those moments where we feel embarrassed by our child or that their action reflects poorly on us as parents. We can own that feeling of embarrassment. We have power over that. However, our child’s behavior and decisions ultimately are their responsibility after a certain age. We are the bumpers that guide them, but we cannot own everything they do.

 

Find a healthier way to communicate: 

    Guilt tripping stems from us wanting a certain behavior to occur. But there are helpful and unhelpful ways to share that. Focus on describing the behavior, how it affects others, and talk about positive alternatives that you’re willing to try. Here’s what that looks like in action.

 Instead of this...

“I did (blank) for you, you can’t even do (blank) for me?”

Try this...

“I see you have a lot of responsibilities. I know that is hard to juggle. Maybe we can brainstorm a way to help make it happen better.”

 

Instead of family night going like this…

“You don’t want to do this with us? That makes me feel like you don’t love us.”

Try this...

“I know you might not want to join us right now, but family time is important. Would you like to help me pick the next activity?”

                We know that old habits die hard, but life is meant to be a journey of growth so don’t be afraid to break outside your norm on this parenting journey. Just keep striving to develop yourself in a positive manner. You’ve got this Warrior parents!

#RaiseAWarrior