Today's kids are given more things then ever. They do less chores, enjoy more screentime, and have more personal possessions/vacations/experiences/hobbies, and luxuries than previous generations. And while it is a wonderful gift, as a parent, to be able to bless the life of your child and fill it so completely, one has to pause and ask whether we are doing this for the right reasons. Are we filling our child's life with the very best we can because it's best for our child or are we doing it from a place of guilt? Does a six year old truly need an iPhone? Must we buy every updates gaming system as it comes out? Does every single member of our family need their very own tablet so they can watch what they want to when they want too?
However, when we start to talk about electronics and screen time most parents shy away from the topic. Because the truth is uncomfortable. We all know the current trends aren't necessarily best for the youth and yet to admit that we also have to admit why we are so reliant on such devices and the fears we have for limiting them. Most of us feel guilty about electronics and screen time for numerous reasons but they can be loosely divided into one of two categories: 1) We have anticipatory guild over causing our child things like pain, distress, or anger and 2) We have guilt over things we as parents have or haven't done. So what are we truly afraid of? Why do we have such a hard time saying no and how do we combat these feelings of guilt?
Anticipatory guilt over taking away a pleasurable activity and causing distress:
Even considering a limiting of electronics is uncomfortable for us as parents. One of the reasons for this is because we know our child enjoys it. Everyone in today's culture enjoys some mindless screen time. It can be fun and relaxing. We know this. And we also know that it can be a great outlet that our child will sometimes use as a means of coping, escape, or to soothe themselves. We know this because when we've had a rough day we also want to sit in front of the TV and just mindlessly veg out. So a limit of screen time seems unkind when we consider these things. What if they don't really have friends? What if they don't enjoy imaginary or creative play? What if our child lacks screen free interests? Do we truly want to be responsible for limiting a thing that brings them joy?
Also falling under this is a guilt category is having anticipatory feelings of guilt over seeing or imagining our child to be left out if we limit their access to electronics. This becomes an increasing concern as our child moves from the elementary years and into middle school. We all have memories of wanting things we didn't have while growing up. It is these negative memories that push us to be better than our parent's before. Because who wants to be the parent who's child misses out on new experiences? The truth, however, couldn't be further from this. Yes most of us have a fear of missing out (or a fear of being the cause that makes our child miss out). F.O.M.O. is a very real phenomenon. But are we going to let these fears be the reason why we let society's standards dictate our child's exposure to electronics rather than assessing it and choosing for ourselves what to allow into our home and our child's very impressionable minds?
Anticipatory guilt over things we have or haven't done as parents:
The other reason the idea of limiting electronics seems distasteful is because we know it is already a bit of a problem and as parents that's on us. We've all been guilty of using screentime as an electronic babysitter of sorts so we could get important things done or have some quiet time. We were the ones who welcomed and introduced electronics and acceptable behavior into our home. And we recognize that the screen time habits (whether good or bad) that we model for our children (knowingly or unknowingly) has added to the current lack of balance or avoidance. Another guilt could be that we enjoy the time they spend gaming and prefer that to actually having to spend focused time entertaining, playing, and interacting with them So in viewing our child's electronics habits we truly have to take a hard look at ourselves.
Now if your not sold on the idea that unconscious guilt is the reason it is so hard to say no and limit electronics in your home then consider this: unaddressed guilt makes us uncomfortable. When presented with it we immediately begin to mollify it by down playing the cause and reason for our guilt. Our knee jerk response is to discredit the source of it. So if in reading this article you internally scoffed to yourself and though "Electronics allows me to get things done." "All kids now a days do it and my child uses them a lot less than others." "I only let him/her play educational games." "Screen-time is the only motivator that works." "Everyone having electronics lessons fighting." And so on, then please recognize that this is you rationalizing your family's electronics habit to avoid the idea that guilt may be driving how you parent.
So how do we move passed this guilt and take control of the electronics in our home once more. The first step is acknowledging the fact that guilt is present in our parenting and that we've been lying to ourselves. This takes some brutal self reflection. You've got to be honest with yourself and why you feel this way about electronics before you can move to the next step in tackling your guilt. Then you have to forgive yourself (and any other persons involved) and move on. Once we've recognized a mistake in our parenting method it is easy to dwell on where we went wrong. This, however, is counterproductive. Acknowledge your faults and start taking steps to do better. This action plan will look different for each family depending on their habits and the guilt that led to it. Maybe TVs and computers are removed from bedrooms. Maybe devices are now only allowed in common areas. Maybe only one hour of recreational, individual screen time is allowed for children and adults. Maybe the whole family needs an electronics fast. Maybe after dinner and homework is now for spending time together playing board games, watching a movie together, or trying out a new hobby. No matter your method of change we know that once you start acknowledging the role guilt plays into our parenting and taking steps to change it, you will begin to see the benefits for your child and your family, you will quickly become unstuck and begin to move from feelings of electronics helplessness and towards a place of empowerment.
#RaiseAWarrior
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