No More Name Calling

     Sometime's we are weak Warrior parents. Sometimes we make mistakes and sometimes we fail ourselves and our children. Sometimes our impatience, frustration, discouragement or anger can just be overwhelming when dealing with our child. And sometimes we call our child names.

     "Brat." "Lazy." "Spoiled." "Dumb." "Bastard." "Waste." "Cry baby." "Stupid." "Demon." "Slob." "Spacey." "Rotten." "Chunky." "Slow." "Monster." "Little A$%hole." It is amazing the number of words that come to mind in the heat of the moment. And it is horrifying what spills out of our mouth, their loving parent's mouth, when we lose control.

     You see we've all heard the saying: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." How far that is from the truth. Name-calling is one of the most damaging things you can do to your growing child. It is sometimes satisfying because you feel you are addressing and attacking the problem head on when in reality you are in fact verbally attacking the child.

    Name calling is one of the worst things a parent's can do in anger because it is one of those things that leaves the child with a negative message burned into their memories. And as one who has been around long enough to reflect on their own childhood, we know it is those bad memories growing up that tend to stick with us far longer than the good. Name calling in such a manner is not only derogatory in the moment, but it also steadily chips away at child's already growing and vulnerable since of self-worth and self-concept. Regardless of the names or language you use in anger, the underlying and repeated message is "you're not good enough" and "you don't measure up." Do we truly want our children to believe that? Do we want to be the ones who puts those doubts in them? Even in anger it is so important for us to realize that...

The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.

— Peggy O'Mara, author of "Natural Family Living"

     So what can we do to stop this process and make it right if we slip up while building new habits? Here's a quick action plan to get you started taking a stand in your home against name calling between siblings, parents, partners, and everyone in between.

(1) Monitor your emotions and avoid escalation.

     Now that we've acknowledged it's never okay to hurt our child with our words we have to start taking steps to prevent that. This is where we get proactive. You know where your limits are and what really gets your temper going Warrior parents. So when you start to feel yourself tipping in that direction take a deep breath and step back from the situation. This means we must be acutely conscious of our own thoughts. Because nobody really knows you like you do. So if you're eye rolling and huffing in your head about this whole stupid situation and how much you hate going over this again and again; you are definitely heading towards a place where you might unknowingly start hurling some hurtful barbs. As you see yourself nearing this edge consider taking a break and asking your child calmly to go to their room so you can have a moment to calm down. Your child may not love this time out, but it is far less damaging then giving into your anger and frustrations and letting what's on your mind really fly.

(2) Keep the focus on what's important.

     What word are you wanting to use in this moment? Taking a moment to acknowledge what you're wanting to call your child is an important step in beginning to address the underlying behavior that really bothers you. Is your child truly "stupid"? Or are you frustrated because you know they are smart enough to recognize this was a bad choice? Is your child inherently at their core a "brat", or have they hurt your feelings in this moment with their lack of thanks and continued demands? You don't want to attack your child, you want to confront the problem. So take a moment to recognize the words you are wanting to spew and connect it to the behavior that's disappointed you. That's the important focus. Because expressing that "it's important your child take pride in their work" is very different than calling them a "slob" or "lazy." Even in anger, it's important that we parents keep the focus on whats truly important.

(3) Set limits within yourself.

     You have to decide now if you're going to tolerate put downs in your family. Is satisfying your frustration more important or building up the self-esteem of your growing child? If not then this must be the new standard. And it must be upheld by every member of the family (from oldest to youngest). Your family needs to know you won't tolerate name calling or put downs. And then you have to enforce it with the most effective method, by modeling it yourself. You'll be amazed at how easy creating new habits is with a little bit of conscious focus and attention. And truly, this is one of those basic respect things that is so powerful it will spill over and has the power to improve countless other relationships (you and your partner, your child and their friends, with extended family, etc).

(4) Apologize. Immediately.

     Lofty goals like this are more of a journey then a destination. You are imperfect and will most likely slip a lot in the beginning. So if you do use a name that attacks your child rather than verbage meant to address the behavior. Apologize immediately. Ask for forgiveness right then and there. Check yourself. And immediately take steps to reconfirm how much you love your partner and plainly state you weren't trying to tackle them, but rather a behavior. Once you begin speaking sincerely with regret you will both be calmer and in a better place to improve your communication and work together to move past this. Don't let your child stew in their room remembering you called them "stupid" or some other name. Immediately take steps to repair it. This new redirection of energy will help reign your temper back under control and help you carefully choose words with the goal of growth and harmony, rather than causing damage. Agree to treat each other with love and respect from here on out. After all, our family is our greatest team and we need to build each other up daily, right?

#RaiseAWarrior