3 Lies Parents Believe

     This month our instructors and adult students have been participating in an Alpha Goals challenge. Every year we take a month and strive to build a habit together that will make us stronger and better. Each year's challenge is vastly different. But no matter the habit we are trying to build or break, we do these challenges together because we believe we can't give our best if we aren't consistently striving to be our best self. And we love our families so much that we know they deserve the very best we have to offer them.

     This month's challenge has been about gratitude. A shift in our mindset towards being more positive and thankful in our relationships and our daily life. In doing this challenge we've noticed that our mindset truly sets the tone to the script of our lives. We each live the life we believe we deserve. Sometimes we feel powerless to change and without hope. This is a lie we trick ourselves into believing. Change may be difficult, but it is always possible. Parents (no matter the age or experience) are also vulnerable to these kinds of lies, and negative mindsets. They can prevent you from growing and giving your family your very best. So this week's article is for you guys, our amazing Warrior parents. It's time to acknowledge and dispel the lies we sometimes believe about ourselves and our families.

It's too late.

     We all have things that haunt, nag, and guilt's us both personally and as a parent. Maybe you yell too much. Maybe you recognize you're weight is affecting your health and have come to realize this is the thing that could ultimate steal time away from you and your loved ones. Maybe you feel you work too much. Maybe you regret constantly missing certain family events. Maybe you regret not writing the story of your family down or documenting life together better. No matter the fault you find and the rut you have yourself in, when we have a negative mindset we tend to feel like things have always been this way and will forever be this way. The truth is all it takes to change your life is a single, tiny, uncertain step in the right direction. You don't have to have it all figured out. And you definitely don't have to feel like you know what you're doing. Just take that first step and then another. Set an intention and follow through no matter the setbacks. One by one these little course corrections are putting us on track to the person we want to be.

Good parents don't have to (BLANK).

     This blank could be anything. Go to counseling, take medications for anxiety or depression, seek help with addiction, go through a divorce, etc. While trying to be the ultimate parent for our little ones we tend to forget that we're people too. We cannot give our best if we aren't also taking care of ourselves. While our culture is slightly more accepting of many things there are still stigma's associated with these common struggles. We have to come to terms not only with the stigma's we personally hold, but also the stigma's and expectations we believe our loved ones have. You are not a failure for needing or seeking help while trying to be the best you can be. You are a work in progress also. To take care of yourself is to ultimately take care of your family. Sometimes we struggle with unexpected things like divorce & depression. It doesn't make you a bad person and it definitely doesn't make you a bad parent, so stop that lie, right here and right now!

If I don't provide (BLANK) I'm a bad parent.

     We don't love to tell our children no. If we could give them everything that Sarah's parents next door are able to and then some, we would no questions asked. But the truth is material things do not a good parent make. Your child doesn't actually need a cell phone, the latest gaming system, a giant birthday party with a bounce house, concert tickets, grand vacations, a new car, or any of that business. They may love those things and gush with "I love you's" when presented with these, but they aren't the things that truly matter. Your time, your investment, your openness, your emotions, your love, your affection, your efforts to make this period memorable, that is what a child truly needs. That is what we must provide to be a good parent. It isn't the gifts we buy that matter, but how we make every second together count. We've spoken before how comparison is a thief of joy. So when trying to gauge yourself as a parent, don't look at the lavish gifts and treats you can't provide. Instead take note of every time the two of you laugh out loud, explore something new, start a tradition, or share a secret. Those moment's are the ones that last. That is where you make an impact. Fashion, toys, and fads will come and go, but a parent's love and genuinely focused time... that's a priceless gift your child will never forget.

     So take some time to examine your heart and mind. Are you lying too or beating yourself down on the daily? It's okay to give yourself some grace Warrior parents. We're all human and we all want what's best for our families. So chin up. Take that tiny, first, uncertain step towards being a better version of yourself. The investment may be hard at first, but it will be good for all of you.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Instructor Spotlight: Mr. James

Mr. James is AWESOME! 

Mr. James has been training with us since he was little. He achieved his Junior Black Belt and is currently working his way up through the adult class ranks!

Mr. James strives to teach our Little Warriors:

"Determination. Never give up, no matter what!"

The kiddos love Mr. James because:

He loves sparring with them and isn't afraid to sweat with them in class

Because he has a big heart even though he acts tough all the time

Because he can be really, really loud, and is great at pumping them up when it's time to work

A few of Mr. James's favorite things:

Mr. James loves comics and going to the movies. His favorite movie is Tron, and his love for comics includes World War Hulk, and the Superior Spiderman. He is always talking heroes and comics with the kiddos and staff. Especially once a new super hero movie comes out. He may not seem the nerdy type, but he can debate heroes with the best of them. 

A little bit more about Mr. James:

Mr. James is working hard in our adult curriculum. His goal is to be like Miss Alana and become the next Full Instructor who went through the entire children's curriculum and adult. He also works hard during our children's classes to be the best leader he can as he dreams of becoming a police officer. He's still a little young to try for that yet, but until then he will keep honing his favorite techniques of locks and sweeps. We love that his hero is "Tuhon Harley. Throughout my entire life he has always been there to help me the best I can be." You're doing a great job setting an example and passing this on to other Warrior students.

Here's some Little Warrior pics of Mr. James from his younger days for you to enjoy:

Baby Mr. James is center with the peace sign. A baby Mr. Brendon is next to him

Look at this sweet grin!

Mr. James you're a rock star! Thank you for being you and setting such a great example for the next generation of Warriors.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Combating Today's Instant Gratification Mindset

     Shopping with our kids can be a misadventure no matter what age they are. At some point or another there will always be the dreaded moment of confrontation where they pick up some toy or snack and gaze up at us with those big darling eyes and ask "Can we get this please?" Sometimes us giving in seems harmless, and other's we truly don't have the extra funds to make it happen this time. These struggles are internal and our child doesn't always see or understand the difference that determines when we say "yes" to a treat and when we say "no." This inconsistency can lead to the two of you butting heads frequently in public places.

     So how do we teach our children about money and spending? Previously these things were touched on in a Home Ecs class and then reinforced in the home. But as modern conveniences like Amazon Prime, Grocery pickup, snap chat, etc become more and more prevalent our society has shifted to a very strong sense of instant gratification. Because of this mindset shift, many of our youth grow up unprepared to take on the responsibilities of adulthood. It isn't random happenstance that has led to more and more 18-25 year olds continuing to live with their parents and not being in a hurry to have the responsibility of a car, driving, and a steady job. It's true that every generation faces different challenges than the one before, but why aren't we still covering the basics that remain essentially the same? If we don't take the time to prepare our children to face the basics of budgeting, frugality, and delayed gratification now than what is to stop them from drowning under a mountain of credit card debt and student loans later?

     Money is a difficult concept for young children so here are some ways to start broaching this topic and use other methods of parenting to begin instilling a sense of delayed gratification in a buy now, pay later world.

Start Small:

     Delayed gratification touches many aspects of our daily life, not just when it comes to money. So when opportunities come up use it to teach them this amazing concept of self control. Kid requesting a snack before dinner? A snack isn't inherently bad so, yes, you can have a snack... but if you are too full and don't eat all your dinner you have to watch everyone else eat dessert. Kid super excited to tell you a story and keeps interrupting? Yes I'm sure the story is very interesting, but the world doesn't tolerate rude people very well so take a moment to make them better. Now they can't share their story until you're done with your present errand/conversation AND the next one. They might not remember their epic story by then, but they are starting to see that the world doesn't only revolve around them and that what you're doing matters too.

Give Kids Their Own Money:

     We can't expect our children to learn about money without getting to actually practice with it. Whether this means a weekly/monthly allowance, or money they earn by working for it, those details are small compared to the chance to learn, grow, and make mistakes in a safe environment. There is a lot of good advice out there on the topic so take a moment to research it before instituting this concept into your home. Self sufficient kids has some awesome articles on the topic. We especially loved their advice that younger kids (10 and under) could be paid .50 cents to $1 a week based on their age. So a five year old would earn $2.50 or $5 per week. A small price to pay to keep them from financially ruining themselves before they're even thinking long term like mortgage, family, car, college, and career. 

Set Clear Expectations & Follow Through:

     Whether you decide to give your child a weekly/monthly allowance, or whether you choose to pay them for extra chores once we've crossed into the realm of money management we need to set some clear boundaries and expectations for behavior. A child with money of their own should ask for nonessential treats less and eventually not at all. If we continue to pay for everything as before AND give them money we aren't teaching them the importance of self control, saving, and goal setting. If they want a new toy, or candy bar in the grocery line they have to decide if they want to spend their money on it or not. And they are going to make mistakes. A lot of them. But to cry now because you bought too much candy and now have less money for to spend playing games at the local fair is better than taking on a car payment greater than you can afford. In the end it will hurt them a lot less and they will thank you for it one day.

Setting Financial Goals:

     One of the perks of money is we can save it for some really amazing things, but saving money is a very boring process and requires discipline no matter how old we are. Now a child with an allowance definitely isn't saving up for a beach vacation, but there are ways to teach them how to set and achieve financial goals. Does you kid want a phone, game system, or other expensive and nonessential electronic device? Teach them a bit about 401k's by offering to match their savings towards one. Have a vacation coming up? Let them know what you're willing to put towards souvenirs and let them save for the rest. Taking the time to teach your child these lessons now will take some planning, but it will also enable them to live the life they want later. And that is an investment worth supporting.

Resist Comparing Yourself to Others:

     This one can be hard especially for the older kids who are entering the age where they have cell phones and regularly get to use social media and have internet access. Comparison is something we all struggle with at times. So it is important to teach our children that comparison is natural, but it is also a thief of joy. I remember growing up I was super proud of my knock off Chuck Taylor's until some pointed out they were an off brand. My favorite shoes I had been so proud of now seemed cheap and less than before. Had anything changed about the shoes themselves? Not at all. But my view of them had changed because of another. As kids get older they will want more and more material things, trying to be cool, to fit in, and keep up with their peers. It is okay for them to seek those things and waste some money along the way. So long as we are teaching them to also be thankful for what we have and that we stop comparing our belongings and life to others. And this is a poignant lesson we need over and over again no matter our age. 

     So whether you're pro allowances or not, we think it's very important to acknowledge today's instant gratification mindset as a parent and to seek out ways to combat it in your child. And above all, enjoy the journey! Our time of influence is short, but so pivotal to a growing Warrior. Invest in that, invest in them.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Your Words Matter: Shaping Your Child's Inner Voice

     Labels tend to stick no matter what age we are. Growing up for me, the one that stuck out the most was bossy. Now as an older sibling I've got to admit I could be bossy at times. I took my job as eldest very seriously and I tried to be the best example I could be. If a sibling wasn't following the rules or being safe I wasn't afraid to call them on it and hold them accountable. But the word bossy isn't necessarily a positive one. I helped my mom corral our big group frequently, so it was only natural I would try to continue to do so even when not asked. However, instead of being recognized as a leader, helpful, or a great teammate I (and my behavior) got casually labeled as bossy. Growing up I was very self conscious of the fact that others might see me as 'too bossy' if I spoke out, had ideas, or tried to take charge of a project. It made the high school/college years interesting to say the least. And even now I catch myself saying "Just a thought" as a precursor to any idea proposal I might have so it doesn't seem like I think my idea is too important, or like I think my way is better than anyone else. Essentially, even now, years later, I am trying hard not to appear 'bossy' in my day to day interactions with others.


     Now I'm sure we all have countless examples of little words and actions that stick with us as the internal labels we desperately want to break free of. So that being said, are we being choosy when it comes to the words we use to describe our child and their behavior? Are we consciously trying to shape their inner voice or in the heat of the moment do we use our words thoughtlessly? Do we speak negatively within our child's hearing, unaware that these sometimes flippant off hand comments can leave a lasting mark not easily dissipated? Slow poke. Messy. Lazy. Irresponsible. Bossy. The list goes on and on. We don't mean for these descriptive words to become labels, but they tend to stick in the mind of whoever overhears it enough. As parents we aren't trying to be mean or irrevocably change our child's outlook on themselves. We're simply human. And while we strive to be better than our parents we just don't always realize the ripples our actions have. So here are some things to keep in mind when it comes to using our words that will help the whole family grow stronger.

The Power of a Positive Feedback Cycle:

     When we focus on everything our child is doing wrong or struggling with it puts us in a very negative state of mind. When things start getting hard we parents might feel embarrassed or resentful of their behavior. There might be some confusion on where to go from here or how to fix things. There is the perpetual exhaustion of battling against the same thing day in and day out without an end in sight. And every parent knows the ever constant fear of how our kids will ultimately turn out. This negative focus on how things are going then negatively starts to affect our patience. We get shorter and more terse when interacting with our already struggling child and then they in turn misbehave more. It's a vicious cycle that starts and ends with how we are viewing and labeling their behaviors. So stop dwelling on the negative. Work through the feelings you're having so you can better support them. Is the fact that your child is intermittently demanding a solely negative thing? Or does it mean they are decisive and know what they want? A child who is considered nosy is also being curious. Are both of those things bad or are we labeling it in a negative light and dwelling solely on that? A child who is stubborn may be hard to work with at times, but persistence is a key to success and isn't inherently bad. Consciously changing how you view your child's actions also gives you a clearer view of your role as a parent. Where once you fretted over their negative traits now you are thinking of how to hone the inherent positive skills your child has. You recognize your role in grooming your child to be the leader they naturally are. By channeling their natural traits into positive characteristics you are now sailing with the winds, instead of against them. And smoother sailing is ahead. So start a cycle of positivity by improving how you and your family views and labels other's behaviors. It will vastly change the environment of your home and how you all interact with each other.

     Alright so now that we've gotten negative labels out of the way, can our excessive praise and positive labels also negatively impact our growing Warriors? The truth is their are two main dangers when we constantly praise our child... 

Focus on Internal worth:

     The first danger is that we are teaching them to seek external validation whether than viewing their own work as worthy. This is not inherently bad, but it can lead to some unforeseen consequences if we are careless with our praise. If our child relies solely on external validation to view their worth then what happens when the world isn't all cheering for them? As parents we know how hard it is for our efforts to go unrecognized or underappreciated, but it does regularly happen. It's important that we don't praise our child to the point that they cannot see the worth of their own efforts without someone else saying "great job" and patting them on the back. The worth of our work has to come from within. The world won't always recognize the great things we're doing or the challenges we've overcome. It is up to us to be our own cheerleaders sometimes. So next time your little one brings home their newest school masterpiece for your opinions and praise take a moment to ask them what they think about it first. Let them form an opinion of their own work and praise them for recognizing it's worth on their own. Then you can lavish all the praise you want on the newest safari animal that strangely resembles a colored blob. We need to give them all the chances we can to strengthen their inner cheerleader and burn those reps in self validation before the world tries to take that away.

Focus on the Process:

     The second danger of excessive positive labels doesn't rear it's head until your child starts to struggle with something. Labels like smart, pretty, and athletic are empowering truths we want our child to know about themselves. However, these labels can also lead to a fair amount of pressure that can be hard to consistently live up to. For example straight A student's are consistently told they are "smart" and "hard working." So how will they feel when they bring home that first C? What if they've taken on too many AP classes and they feel they need to drop some? For a child that has grown up being defined as smart, these situations can be difficult. Because although the labels we give our child are meant to be positive, uplifting, and encouraging they also imply our expectations on them. An "athletic" kid will want to do good and be athletic because it makes us proud of them and we have come to expect that great effort. A "smart" kid will struggle with feeling like they are disappointing us if they bring back grades that are anything less than their normal. This isn't to say don't praise your kids. They need you to be their cheerleader until they learn to be their own. But we also need to praise the process and the journey. Most of life is the tiny steps working towards becoming better. The majority of our days aren't filled with praise or recognition. Labels are great, but the journey to greatness is more fulfilling and won't fail you or shift the way temporary labels can. So praise those good grades, but also praise every step that got them to that point and let them know that those steps are what truly makes you proud.

     So take care with your words whether you're frustrated, angry, tired, or content. We think they don't overhear what we say, but they're listening and they hear. The words we choose matter more than you could possible know to your growing child. So keep an eye on your word choice. Remember that what we say matters. As you keep these suggestions in the back of your mind you'll be amazed at the difference it will make in your child's confidence and behavior. Most of all keep trying to be better every day! We know you've got this Warrior parents. 

#RaiseAWarrior