"He won't play with me." "She's copying me." "They were mean to me." Sound familiar? Conflicts and drama between siblings (or friends) arises early and often during grade school ages. I get it Warrior parents. We've all been there. A child tattles with a barely contained whine to their voice and we turn to the perpetrator with a hint of threat in our voice to tell them "Say you're sorry." We get a mumbled and wholly unrepentant "sorry." Sometimes we let that drop and other times we push harder, "No. Like you mean it." The following drug out and dramatic 'soooooorrrrrrryyyyy' that follows is equally disappointing as is the trite "I forgive you" we get from the initial child. But at least we did something about it right?! The bickering should stop, shouldn't it? The truth, however, couldn't be further from this.
This exchange is futile because it doesn't teach either child how to handle conflict in a productive or healthy manner. And the children didn't get a chance to try the necessary basics of problem solving that are required to work through when conflict erupts. So how do we truly teach conflict resolution to children? Especially when you consider all the adults in our life who haven't mastered these complex concepts; so how could we possibly expect a child to do so?
I mean let's be honest. Conflict has a completely negative connotation in today's society. And although its true that fighting and inflamed emotions frequently cause pain; conflict is natural, and it can be a good, healthy part of a relationship. Conflict is a chance to see another's point of view and it has the power to bring us closer together if handled well. That being said we can easily see that conflict (even between kiddos) should be taken seriously and viewed as a teachable moment. We have to teach our kids to resolve conflict without degrading to drama or fighting. They will need healthier coping mechanisms than simply ignoring disagreements and sweeping it under the rug to fester until a future argument. It's in our job description as parents. So how do we teach this? Especially if you aren't a pro at conflict management yourself?
Cool off when you're upset:
We've all heard of fight or flight mechanisms of defense that are inherent to people in general. And let me tell you, when those emotions start spilling over or we feel slighted we aren't likely to choose flight. That's because when we get emotional we are more likely to be aggressive and unable to think logically. This is especially so in children, who have yet to experience, work through, and understand many of the big emotions life can throw at them. So first things first- coach your child through some deep breaths. They'll want to immediately start telling you what was done to them amongst hiccups, tears, and angry shouting. Don't let them! Make your job easier by giving them a chance to work through this big hurtful emotion and collect themselves before telling their side of the disagreement.
Speak directly to each other:
Once both parties have calmed down some it is time to address each other. This is where you'll usually have one child blurt out something to you like "She wouldn't let me play with her." That is their attempt to attack the other and get you on their side of the conflict. When this happens we have to redirect them to focus on their feelings and tell the other person how they felt using 'You' or 'I' statements. The other kid just needs to listen until it is their turn. No 'buts' or interrupting allowed. It is okay not to agree at this point. Everyone will get a turn. There are two sides to every story and both parties just need to be able to listen and hear the other out. This is where they start to see that their actions also affect others and had a role to play in this encounter.
Propose solutions:
Most of us just want to feel like our hurts are known and acknowledged. Speaking directly to each other gives us a chance to do that. Once both parties have had a chance to express their big emotions things are much calmer. This isn't guaranteed of course, but in our experience with kiddos and disputes this is frequently the case. We've acknowledged that we upset another and now we can start working towards a solution together. Here's the hard part for you Warrior parents! Hold your advice and suggestions. I know it is easier to jump in and save the day, but most little ones can problem solve on their own with little prompting. And they truly need these reps. In the long run working through their own problems with you as a resource will go a long way towards helping them be more independent and able to handle whatever life throws at them.
Try again:
We all know that agreeing on a plan is one thing. It's the actual follow through that is the hard part. While children can work through conflict resolution and making a plan after just a few attempts and examples of modeling; it is the following attempts that they struggle with.This is where they definitely need you! A supportive check in to see if the agreed upon plan is working can go a long way towards resolving this conflict in a more permanent manner. So check in frequently. Remember the things they struggle with and disagree upon in each relationship. This open communication now plays huge dividends as your Little Warrior grows.
So when conflict erupts help them get back on track with this framework in mind. Not only does this program help disagreements from becoming a constant distraction in academic or social areas, but it also accomplishes so much more. In following these simple steps you are giving your child a chance to take charge as a problem solver. You put the responsibility on them to speak with others who make them upset. You are making it known that you cannot and will not be the referee forever, but you are making yourself an available sounding board and resource. You are nurturing kindness, consideration for others, cooperation, and an acknowledgement and assertion of their own needs. These habits and skills will serve them well throughout their life and every single relationship they are a part of. These teachable moments are priceless and they are best reinforced in the comforts and safety of your home. So give it a try and let us know what you think. And we will be happy to offer advice and help with any home or school life problems should they arise.
Keep rocking it Warrior parents!
#RaiseAWarrior
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