Ever tried to resolve a fight between siblings or childhood friends by pushing a quick apology? I know you're busy Warrior parents. I know you're trying and get exasperated with the constant bickering, but conflicts (as we spoke on last week) are huge teachable moments. If we just force a rushed and insincere apology neither child feels good about the exchange. The one who was offended in the first place still feels bitter and hurt, because the apology wasn't sincere or real. And while it seems the offender gets off easy, they truly miss out the most. Because an opportunity to learn, grow, and mature has been stolen from them. They also learn that lies and empty words can get them out of sticky places. None of which are the goal in raising a warrior. So what to do? It's not like we can force the issue of a repentant heart... can we? There isn't a way to 100% guarantee a child feels bad for what they've done, but we can give them an easy to follow protocol that helps them think about what they've done and how it affects others. We use this same apology protocol in the academy both on and off the mat, and we've seen a huge change in sincerity since instilling it.
How to Apologize Properly:
(1) "I'm sorry for..."
It is important that this step is specific. This is your chance to show the other person that you really understand why they are upset. And even just acknowledging what you've made another feel can go a long ways towards reconciling and building a positive relationship with others.
(2) "It was wrong because..."
This one takes some work, but it is definitely the most important step. This one allows you to get a glimpse into your child's understanding of morality and right vs wrong. Until we truly understand and internalize why something is wrong there won't be any real or lasting change. To be good we have to see the effects of our actions on others and make a conscious decision to avoid negatively affecting others to the best of our ability. So don't rush this step. And take the time to guide them through any character trait lessons not yet learned.
(3) "In the future I will..."
Most kids who are first learning the apology protocol will focus on a negative here. They start telling the other child what the won't do next time. This isn't the best way to go about this part of the apology, however. We should focus on the positive. They already know what they shouldn't do because that is what got them in this situation in the first place. They need to consciously recognize a more positive behavior to do instead and focus on that. So instead of saying "In the future I won't hit" try focusing on something like "In the future I will use my words to express why I am upset" or "In the future I will take a deep breath when I am getting frustrated." These are all positive ways to cope with anger or hurt feelings rather than just resorting to hitting. This positive focus is teaching the child tools they can use instead of physical contact.
(4) "Will you please forgive me?"
This step works towards reconciling the past events and taking steps towards moving forward. Sometimes the other child will readily forgive them and they can continue their playing, but other times they aren't yet ready to forgive. However, each of these situations offers room for growth. In asking for forgiveness we are acknowledging our faults and asking another to do the same. And we have no power, whatsoever, on the outcome because forgiveness is their choice. That is such a powerful lesson. We can take steps to right our wrongs, but even then it isn't guaranteed to be enough.
So with that being said how do apologies work in your house? This may seem like a tedious and drawn out process, but each of these components is integral to acknowledging a wrong and making steps to reconcile it. Of course body language and tone is also a huge part of a proper apology so don't forget to stress a pathetic sorry with a bratty and insincere attitude when modeling this lesson for your little one. And here's to a happier home life, because you'll never be sorry for taking the time to teach your child how to say a better "I'm sorry."
Happy parenting Warrior parents!
#RaiseAWarrior
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