Has your child ever
asked you if you were their friend? How did you respond? Do you want your child
to see you as a friend? Think back on your own parents… did they readily accept
that role during your youth? Or is that something that developed and matured,
as you did, once in adulthood? Looking around our personal lives we can see
examples of both and the results that stem from that. So which way do you think
it should be, parent only or BFFs for life while your child is growing up?
Working with children every day we’ve seen a pretty heavy mix of both styles
and since our children are too precious to just blindly forage ahead with no
pre-thought we wanted to share some musings on the subject today.
Many people view being
their child’s best friend as a guarantee that you will always be their number
one confidant and your child will now come to them, when in need, no matter the
topic. They think that being a “cool parent” who sets few rules, isn’t
overprotective, and stays up to date with all the hip new trends and
electronics buys them this confidence. Looking at this list of what it takes to
be a “cool parent” I don’t think I have it in me. It seems like it comes at
much too high a cost for far too little guarantee. Cool parents may be held in
high esteem with the youth, but who’s truly running that house? Parenting isn’t
a contest our children get to judge us on. Parenting is an irreplaceable and
priceless role that cannot be abandoned without grave costs. When you loosen up
on your responsibilities of setting the rules and enforcing standards you truly
are setting yourself up for a harder time during the teenage years. A child
used to such a relaxed parenting style won’t suddenly want to give that freedom
up just because you, as a parent, suddenly decide it’s gone too far or gotten
too dangerous.
A few decades ago,
whether a parent should be a friend to their child or not was unheard of. But
parenting has changes a lot since the time when children were seen and not
heard. Now the average parent is so focused on their child and their activities
that they don’t have a spare moment to themselves. Our whole culture has
shifted towards this child first initiative and now parents are caught
straddling the gray line between parent and friend as they try to meet this
newest trend of attachment parenting. This new parenting style is seeking good
things, but the bottom line is that this new focus on utmost parental
responsiveness to the child’s every need and emotion does not ensure your child
will never feel insecure or anxious. And it is not the sole factor that ensures
better ‘attachment.’
Friends are considered
equals. They equally get to decide on anything and everything. No one has more
power than the other and no one sets the rules. But we are parents. A child is
never our equal during childhood, because that’s a time for learning. Parents
have to be able to discipline their child and set the limits. We do this for
their safety, and so they can learn and grow. And it is OK if your child
doesn’t like you for making those tough decisions. There will be times when
they won’t. However, we know our job as parents is to prepare our children for
life on their own; it isn’t a popularity contest. We have to teach those hard
lessons and those life skills so that when they go out on their own we are
confident in their ability to make smart and safe choices, to be the kind of
leader who stands up for what’s right even when it is hard. We have to teach
them to brush their teeth, not stay up all night, and get their
responsibilities done. “Friends” don’t have that role, active parents do.
So what do you think? Can
you be best friends and parent your child simultaneously? Is it worth it? Don’t
forget, your child will have many friends over their life. But they only have
one you and we only get to do this once so when it comes to raising your
warrior make it count!
#RaiseAWarrior
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