Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde - Why Your Kid Acts Different At Home

 

                Do you ever hear someone tell you something overly positive about your child and all you can think is “Are you sure you’re talking about my kid?” And how could the tiny gremlin we know at home be such a rockstar out in the world? This phenomenon also happens within our home. Maybe one parent or grandparent get the Dr. Jekyll version of your kid and the other one feels like they’re stuck with someone wholly different and not unlike the infamous Mr. Hyde. So today we’re looking at some of the good and bad of why our children save their least desirable behavior for you (aren’t we lucky) and ways we can take steps to improve it.

The Good

Being Home is Being Safe: Our kiddos hopefully see home as a safe space and know they have our unconditional love. This makes our children feel more comfortable expressing all of their feelings and behaviors that they might have to repress and control throughout the day.

•  Ways to improve this: Continue to nurture those feelings of safety and security. Let your children know they have your unconditional love but begin to teach them a couple boundaries and that this is a gift not to be abused. Our families can take a lot, but they don’t deserve our very worst and we should work to be constantly improving our family ties and not just using them as a punching bag at our whim.

The Not So Good

Home Lacks Structure: For our school aged children their days are full of a lot of structure and predictability (much like our own workdays which is why we often feel more collected and in control during those hours versus the ones when we are back at home in full parent mode). They don’t really have to be flexible or adaptive and they know what is required of them. At home can be a different story. Some days free time is an unscheduled free for all, but when a play date or guests are involved suddenly the expectation of their free time is now changed.

• Ways to improve this: Set the expectation from the start of the day by getting your family involved in your plans. When they wake up remind them what the plan is for the day and when you pick them up from whatever activities re-iterate the game plan and take some time to hear their expectations of the outing vs yours so you can be more on the same page and meet in the middle.

Family is Easier to Manipulate: The good thing is we know our family well. The bad things is also we know our family well. Our kiddos know exactly your triggers and what pushes your buttons. A part of learning and growing involves a fair amount of pushing boundaries and disobedience. This is worse so if there is a lack of accountability or un-equal relationship dynamic between parents, co-parents, grandparents, etc. Children like sharks can sense that sort of weakness and will pit you against each other for their benefit.

•  Ways to improve this: Do not undermine each other when your kids can see. If you feel one parent or family member is being too harsh or too lenient setup a code phrase like “I like your shoes” or “Can we talk about this privately first.” This buys you space and time to come to a plan you both agree on without your kid pushing buttons in the middle. Working through your individual parenting triggers, weaknesses, and strengths in a self-reflective manner also helps improve this personally and make it less easy for your child to get you riled up or push your buttons (whether they are doing that purposefully or not).

Discipline Is Inconsistent: Throughout your child’s structured day discipline and the escalation of consequences is based on a stepped interval and at expected moments. Your child knows what will happen when they break rule X, Y, or Z so that helps them pause and consider the consequences before acting out. The same cannot be said for in the home.

• Ways to improve this: Your discipline should be predictable, well explained, and have complete follow through by all parties involved. Think about how we handle it on the mat. All students know not only the punishment for any misbehavior, but the expectation of behavior set for them. It is an expectation we follow ourselves and they know that all the instructors will discipline the exact same way according to the action that occurs. It is predictable and they understand not just the reasoning behind it but every time they are counseled and must think for themselves where they went wrong and how it can be improved. There is never yelling, shaming, or criticizing. Discipline is used as a basis to improve and educate. It is done with compassion and good rapport. There are no weak links or inconsistencies. Fixing these recognizable weaknesses in your home discipline plan will go a long way towards improving this behavior pattern and your relationship as a whole.

    Hang in there Warrior parents. We know childhood is marathon event and not a sprint. Take moments to celebrate the good and plan to improve the not so good. And don’t forget - if you are struggling with particular issues at home we are here to help.

 #RaiseAWarrior 

 

 

Things We Shouldn't Be Teaching Our Child This Back To School Season

 

                We teach our children so much by our words and actions. We also teach them a lot of things that are shaped by our thoughts intentional or not. So here are some less than optimal things you may be teaching your child without always realizing it. As we gear up for back-to-school time it’s important to have some of these on your radar.

Don’t be different

                We would never say this to our child of course, but sometimes our actions speak louder than words. This especially comes out during back-to-school shopping. How much time and money do we invest helping our child be like every one else. How many times do we cave to our child’s demands because it’s easier and they are whining that “everyone else has one” or “because everyone is doing it.” It is a delicate balance. We do not want our child to always be an outsider looking in, but we also do not want our child to do or want something simply because it’s popular. When your child brings up the point that “everyone else has one” or “is doing it” take time to talk this through. Find out if your child really likes this new trend or if they are worried about feeling left out. Encourage self-expression, style, and interests because it is an important part of your child’s growing identity. And above all make sure to help your child learn to make their own good choices regardless of whether it is popular or not.

Just follow the rules

                Another delicate balance. Society needs rules and people who will follow them. And our entire modern school system is largely built upon and meant to encourage rule following. Far too often as parents or adults in general we default to the adage “because I said so.” Why - because in the heat of the moment we literally can’t sometimes and just need our child to do as their told. This cannot be our default, however. No rule should go unquestioned. Our children need to look for ways to discern a “good rule” from a not, and those unjust rules should be challenged, even if it’s a rule that we made for them.

Childhood is your time for fun

                Of all the harmful things we could teach our children, this probably seems like an odd choice. Like all things in life, a delicate balance is needed. It can be just as detrimental to overemphasize a child’s need for a carefree like just as it can be bad to encourage your child to take things to seriously. Pushing for a carefree life underestimates the healthy need for our child to begin taking some responsibility and accountability for themselves. It is easy for us to want to give our children the most carefree summer possible because you only get to be a child once. But there are life skills your child will need to make a way in the world in which we live. Chores should not be burdensome, but they are a part of a learning, growing, and healthy childhood. The same goes for the other end of the spectrum. School matters and it matters a lot; however, we are a generation who is struggling with work life balance. School isn’t mean to be the most important thing in a child’s life and our overemphasis on that can lead to our child not learning how to be attuned to their needs, their health, and their well-being.

                So as you get your kid back to school ready consider the things you want your child to learn during this time. It is okay to stand out from the crowd for the right reasons, we should not blindly follow the rules, and childhood is a time of fun, but we all have a part to do and it is important to work hard and play hard. You’ve got this Warrior parents! School is just around the corner.

 #RaiseAWarrior