You are amazing Warrior parents! I mean just look at you! Instead of scrolling through Facebook or Instagram with your free time here you are trying to learn. You really are smart parents! Totally on top of it. Seriously all you do is crush this parenting thing. Great job parents. Your kids are just so lucky to have you and we're so proud of you. (And if you haven't figured out that these inane praises are examples of how not to talk to your child, it's okay. You're still literally the best, a real gold star parent.)
So here's the thing. Modern parenting is hyper-focused on developing your child's self esteem. And that is a noble ideal. We want our kid's to have confidence, and be strong, and see all the amazing potential we see in them. We want them to think highly of themselves. And so we praise, and praise, and praise them some more. After all every word we say is true... isn't it? Your kid IS smart. Your kid IS beautiful or handsome. Your kid IS your whole world. Your kid IS talented and athletic. These praises are heartfelt and sincere. We don't just inanely tell them "good job" all the time. After all we're smarter than that (see what we did there). The problem is praise is tricky and it has a far greater impact than we necessarily perceive. So this week we wanted to talk about some of the negative effects our excessive praise can have.
It Creates Praise Junkies
Some people just crave other's approval. They want to be recognized and celebrated. They become junkies who consistently seek greater praise and recognition. And children can learn this skill at a very early age. I mean think about babies who drop toys over and over again because they know you'll immediately pick it up and give them attention. Now being a praise junkie in and of itself isn't inherently bad and doesn't doom your child to a hard life. But if they fall into the wrong kind of crowd your praise seeking child may partake in risky or dangerous behavior for a little more attention and praise. And that my gold star parents is no bueno.
It Loses It's Worth
We've talked countless times about how misused words spoken without thought lose their worth. This is especially true when it is coming from you to your ultra perceptive child. So even though you want your child to know your their number one fan and always in their corner don't constantly tell them they're awesome, or doing a great job. They'll start to roll their eyes and see those innate praises for what they are. Of little worth. You want your child to always take your words to heart, which means you have to put a little more heart (and thought) into the words you say to them.
It Isn't Constructive
When we praise our child for being an awesome artist or doing a great job our words don't really teach them anything. Without that constructive element we aren't really helping our child learn and grow. Kids are smart. They know when they're doing a good job. They don't need us to tell them that. They bring their work to you to connect and see how you respond. And then they internalize that response and go on from there. So rather than saying they're a "great artist" make your praise more specific and constructive. Your lack of helpfulness can also make your child more cynical. It is teaching them that "great job" really means "I'm busy" or "please go away."
It Skews Their Sense of Identity
It is wonderful to have a naturally gifted child. Be they smart, or athletic, or pretty, or strong, it is just great to see our child so blessed. We love that things come easily to them and we know it will help them later on in life. However, if we focus only on praising this innately apparent gift we are teaching them that this is their most important trait. We are teaching them to define themselves and take pride solely in their ability to excel. Which is in fact not the case and leads even the slightest mistake to feel like utter failure. These kids have a hard time coping and as they grow older these children will continue to want to be viewed in this way no matter the cost.
It Makes Them Avoid Challenges
We've talked about how too much praise can make your child anxious of failure and of being seen as less than (insert adjective of gifted trait here). This can lead to them constantly choosing the easy path. They avoid challenges because they've never had to work through weakness or overcome their struggles. They avoid challenges because they've only been praised for the result and not the process. They don't understand the worth of the journey because they haven't been praised for engaging in that process. And so they reach a point where they avoid challenges at any cost. Suddenly your all star student wants to drop out of competitive sports or AP classes. Suddenly they begin complaining of being sick all the time and missing big events. The pressure has just become too much. They're afraid to fail and don't know how to cope and work through the process and so they become overwhelmed by this fact and just don't. They avoid opportunities for growth.
So as we look forward to the upcoming school year take a moment to assess whether or not you are a praise pushing parent. Look at the parents around you. Your friends, your peers, even complete strangers. You'll be amazed at how often you hear "great job" or some variant. Take a good look at your family. Does your child desperately seek attention? Are you a family of praise and approval seeking individuals? Do some of these worrisome effects of too much praise seem possible in your home. No matter the answer, now is always a good time to take steps towards more conscious parenting. And as we work to erase "good job!" from our vocabulary and praise each other in a more productive manner you can give yourself a little pat on the back for a job well done. Happy parenting. You've got this!
#RaiseAWarrior
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