Overcoming Choice Paralysis

     Ever been to the toy store with a child? Or put them in charge of what to eat or what movie to watch? It can be a maddening process. They just freeze. It's as if they're overwhelmed by the choices and so they do nothing. It is ironic almost that in the face of so many good things our children are paralyzed. And the truth is this is just a little choice. It is really inconsequential and whether they watch Frozen 2 or Moana. Both will be good enough. However, decision making is not inconsequential. We know that one day our child will have to make choices without us. Choices that can greatly impact their life and future. So how do we protect them? How do we ensure they make consistently good decisions and avoid self inflicted hardships in an ever changing world?

     The short answer is we can't. We can't ensure they will make good decisions. It is simply beyond our parental power. We can, however, do something about it. Starting today, WE CAN give them frequent opportunities to make good choices. WE CAN give them opportunities to flex that decision making muscle and allow it to become strong. WE CAN give them the tools to overcome choice paralysis. And WE CAN do this knowing that elementary aged children and beyond are capable of choosing as well as we do... IF they are properly prepared. So this week we're laying the foundation to raising more confident and competent children. Children who are capable of making great decisions and leading an awesome life.

De-Personalize Your Parenting

     This sounds odd, but as always bear with us a moment more. Often our consequences can be a little haphazard. They can be strongly dependent upon our current emotional state, in spite of our best intentions. So for example if we're tired we might pickup dirty clothes left out or merely chide our child for not putting it up correctly. If we're grumpy enough it could lead to them picking it up, being made to feel bad, and extra chores or a time out. The action and consequence aren't connected. The results of an action becomes unpredictable because it is entirely dependent upon whether or not we parents took their actions personally. So de-personalize your parenting a little bit. When our children do something wrong it is not a reflection of us. Consequences should be pre-established, clearly defined and a natural outcome of your child's behavior. So if they leave their dirty clothes on the floor instead of putting it away to be washed a natural consequences is their friend's noticing their stinky and dirty clothes, or the puppy chewing a favorite pair of slippers up. That natural consequence + fixing it makes sense. If there isn't a consequence that naturally happens having your child fix it + doing an extra chore makes sense. It is logical, de-personalized, and your child can count on it to be a consistent consequence every single time. This takes the emotions out of our disciple and teaches our growing child that every single choice they make, good or bad, has a foreseeable consequence. This teaches them to expect it. Recognizing natural consequences to actions is the foundation for making good decisions.

Value Information and A Strong Case

     As parents we know that thoughtfulness and information gathering is a prerequisite to any big decision. Our children aren't naturally born understanding this and neither were we. So take the time to talk the possible situations and any issues with them before a decision is made. Teach them about pros and cons. Walk them through your own pros and cons list for a decision you made that day. Then let them know you believe in their ability to think through and make decisions. Just knowing you believe in them can give your child a boost of confidence and help fight choice paralysis. Another way to strengthen this skill is to have them practice convincing you. Give them a chance to make a case for the things they want. If the pros are enough and well laid out it might change a decision you had made for the group. For example: Just got wings for dinner but your kiddo is craving fries too. Let them make a case for their Whataburger fries. You might just end up with the best of both worlds and your kiddo got some reps in.

Teach The Decision Making Process

     We know there is much more than being informed or listing pros and cons to any good decision. So give your child a formula for that and have them go through it every time. A good intro model for decision making is to have your child ask themselves 1) Why do I want this? 2) What are my options? 3) What are the consequences of each of those? 4) Which consequence is best? 5) Breathe and then decide. In the beginning your child will mostly be thinking of short term or instant gratification consequences. Each day is an opportunity to build upon that and get them thinking more long term. And you can do this simply by living your life to the best of your ability. Yes fast food tonight sounds great (short term, instant gratification mindset), but Aunt Marsha's birthday is this weekend and I want to have a guilt free piece of cake that doesn't derail me of my goals (long term, goal oriented, growth mindset).

      Overall, raising a strong and competent decision maker will take time. It will be hard to see them fail, but it's better to give them room to practice now while they stakes are reasonably low. And childhood truly is the time to make mistakes. Most of the choices in this season are truly inconsequential long term. We just have to let the reigns down some and give them a little room to do so. So lay the groundwork for them to start choosing wisely. And then give them opportunities to practice. As always feel free to offer suggestions, but don't force your help or advice during this lesson. During this learning period you want to play the role of a trusted consultant, rather than an authoritarian boss. It will help them practice now and it will help them view and respect your trust and advice later during the tumultuous teenage years. Happy parenting! You've got this Warrior parents!

#RaiseAWarrior 

Tools For Parents: A Better Way To Praise

     If you followed along with our last blog post we touched on some of the negative effects that being a praise pusher can be. So this week it is all about solutions. I mean the premise of using praise to encourage good behavior seems basic, right? Good words for good deeds. But as we touched on last time there are some powerful ways our words can cause good and bad, so let's use them wisely.

Make Up For Negative Attention

     It's a fact that most of what we do as parents is correct. "Don't do this." "Please do that." It's part of why 'problem kids' get so much of our time and attention. But in predominantly focusing on the negative we are missing a key component that could completely flip the process. By drawing attention to the good you could motivate more positive behavior for everyone involved. So make positive re-framing the focus of your attention. Let them know which behaviors are great. Acknowledge those good acts and they will be more likely to continue. For example try "I love when you sit and play with legos. Why don't you build for me." It will be much more effective in getting the desired result rather than "Stop running around."

Be Specific

     Our words have a lot of power to help our child grow if we take the time to be thoughtful in our praise. When presented with the newest artistic masterpiece, "I love your use of color" or "Your blending has improved" is much more useful that "You're my favorite artist." The specificity of your praise let's them know what you genuinely like and gives them a focus to pour their effort into next time. So be specific and let your kiddo know what you want to see more of. This gentle guidance is a positive nudge that builds them up in the right direction and shows them the path to greater success.

Focus On Praising Effort

     In our last blog we pointed out that focusing on the end result or things that come naturally to your child can be counter productive in the long run and lead to a crippling fear of failure. It is far better to recognize and praise their effort sincerely. If they didn't do quite as well on something as they had hoped praise your child's hard work, praise their organization, or their dedication. These are traits they have power over. These are things they can develop and control. This keeps the focus on things that really matter- continued growth. 

Pay Attention To The Little Things

     Sometimes our children grow through periods where they mostly struggle. They still need our praise during this time. So if they did something without being told, take the time to praise them for it. Yes they have to brush their teeth every day, but we can praise their self reliance and for doing it without prompting. Praise is one of those things that can make a day better. So if you have been butting heads, if they've been in trouble recently or are going through something- take the time to pay attention to and praise the little things.

Don't Overdo It

     When we praise too much we lose all credibility with our child. So don't praise just to praise. Don't be insincere and just say words because every other parent is and do not under any circumstances label your child with your praise. When we call our child "Superstar," "Genius," "Angel," "Athlete," "Beauty," or "Smart" it can have far reaching negative effects. Especially if your child comes to view that trait as a part of their primary worth. So with your praise, don't over do it, keep the focus on your child's behavior - not their inherent traits- , and always be sincere. All of these little steps will really help in the years to come.

Keep Their Chin Up

     We know that we are our own worst critic and our children are no different. So if your child is belittling their own abilities or being hard on themselves don't let it go unchecked! Acknowledge your child's frustrations and then offer them hope and optimism. For example if your Warrior is struggling with the fact that they are not a strong swimmer, then acknowledge "Swimming is hard, but if you keep practicing and work hard I know you'll overcome." You can then redirect them back to a task they've already mastered (like holding their breath underwater in this instance) to stop their negative thought process and get them treating themselves with a little more kindness once more.

     Overall by taking these steps to praise more effectively we are building our child's confidence, showing them the path to focus on to achieve continued growth, teaching them to overcome obstacles and handle failure, while also being there to lift them when they are down. So take a look at how you do praise in your home and start implementing some of these easy steps today. Happy parenting!

#RaiseAWarrior