Being The Best Parent You Can Be

     "Am I a good parent?" "Am I failing my child?" "How can I tell?" "Am I becoming my own parents?" These questions and more dominate our thoughts. You see there is a gold standard of parenting that we've all envisioned. And this vision of perfect parenthood is deeply influenced by our past. Some of  us can envision that standard perfectly because we watched our own parents live it. But what if your parents weren't the best? What if you didn't have a golden childhood? What if you haven't seen examples of the patience, kindness, and love we all seek to shower our children with? What if you're just feeling a little lost as you battle the same character flaws and stubborn streaks day in and day out? Is there a way to measure ourselves as parents? Or is re-creating our own childhood the inherent destiny of all parents?

     Our knee jerk reactions to yell, withhold affection, smack, or pull away from our child are all trained impulses. Despite our best intentions, the things our parents often did and said to us become the same dreaded things we do with our own children. "Because I said so." "Just do as your told." "Stop that crying this instant." "I've had it up to here." "Go to your room." This negative learned model just slips through sometimes. But it isn't our destiny. Regardless of our upbringing we can choose a better way to raise our own kids. It will, however, not be a quick fix. So here are some steps to put you on the path to being the best parent you can be (no matter your upbringing) starting from right here, right now, wherever you are.

Deal With Those Ghosts:

     To create a lasting shift you have to do more than just avoid the parenting techniques your parents used. You have to spend some time evaluating your relationship with them as a whole. What did the do that worked? What did you wish they had done better? Both of those have influenced the parent you've become. You cannot break free from the model you've been given without acknowledging the good, the bad, and the ugly. So deal with those ghosts and ask yourself...

1) What did they do that you want to pass on to your own kids? Did your parents tirelessly let you ask questions and learn along side them no matter what they were doing? What character traits did they demonstrate and instill in you? What was an undeniable priority to them?

2) What did they do that you definitely don't want to do? Were you raised by screamers? Did your parent's put you down or call you names? Did they withhold affection when you displeased them? Maybe they just weren't really present in the everyday or when something important came up. Whatever their less than admirable qualities were take the time to recognize them and how they still affect you today.

Ask Your Kids:

     Children are known for their brutal honestly. If they think you're fat or your hair looks bad they don't have enough of a filter to pull those punches. But sometimes a child's answer can be pure gold in it's sincerity. They don't try to please us by saying the right thing. The young ones especially speak from the heart and share exactly what they think so who better to evaluate how you're doing as a parent? I mean they are around us all the time. If you want to be a better parent, get some feedback from your kids. Ask them these questions regularly whenever it comes to mind. Their answers will vary based on where you are in life and where they are.

What's it like having me as a parent?

What do you want me to do more of?

What do you want me to do less of?

     Ask and then genuinely take the time to hear what they're trying to say. I know our age has made us wise, but our child's thoughts and perceptions of us is a pretty dang handy gauge for how you're doing overall. For example: if a child thinks you love cleaning or working... it's probably because you're always doing it. As adults we are constantly in a "gotta get things done" mindset. You have to switch that off at home. So ask these questions. Their answers really matter.

Carry On From Here:

     And finally here's the most important one to remember on your journey to being the best you can be. The truth is if you're even looking for ways to be a better parent you're on track. Bad parents don't care if they're failing their kids. They don't even pause to consider it. They simply can't be bothered with whether they're succeeding or not. So if you're asking yourself "What can I do better?" then you're taking steps in the right direction. So keep trying your best. Learn and grow and work on yourself in whatever ways you can. Some days will be okay. And some days won't be. You just have to keep striving to be better than yesterday. One day at a time, one small step after another, you're writing your own destiny now, free from the model you were raised in.

#RaiseAWarrior 

No More Name Calling

     Sometime's we are weak Warrior parents. Sometimes we make mistakes and sometimes we fail ourselves and our children. Sometimes our impatience, frustration, discouragement or anger can just be overwhelming when dealing with our child. And sometimes we call our child names.

     "Brat." "Lazy." "Spoiled." "Dumb." "Bastard." "Waste." "Cry baby." "Stupid." "Demon." "Slob." "Spacey." "Rotten." "Chunky." "Slow." "Monster." "Little A$%hole." It is amazing the number of words that come to mind in the heat of the moment. And it is horrifying what spills out of our mouth, their loving parent's mouth, when we lose control.

     You see we've all heard the saying: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." How far that is from the truth. Name-calling is one of the most damaging things you can do to your growing child. It is sometimes satisfying because you feel you are addressing and attacking the problem head on when in reality you are in fact verbally attacking the child.

    Name calling is one of the worst things a parent's can do in anger because it is one of those things that leaves the child with a negative message burned into their memories. And as one who has been around long enough to reflect on their own childhood, we know it is those bad memories growing up that tend to stick with us far longer than the good. Name calling in such a manner is not only derogatory in the moment, but it also steadily chips away at child's already growing and vulnerable since of self-worth and self-concept. Regardless of the names or language you use in anger, the underlying and repeated message is "you're not good enough" and "you don't measure up." Do we truly want our children to believe that? Do we want to be the ones who puts those doubts in them? Even in anger it is so important for us to realize that...

The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.

— Peggy O'Mara, author of "Natural Family Living"

     So what can we do to stop this process and make it right if we slip up while building new habits? Here's a quick action plan to get you started taking a stand in your home against name calling between siblings, parents, partners, and everyone in between.

(1) Monitor your emotions and avoid escalation.

     Now that we've acknowledged it's never okay to hurt our child with our words we have to start taking steps to prevent that. This is where we get proactive. You know where your limits are and what really gets your temper going Warrior parents. So when you start to feel yourself tipping in that direction take a deep breath and step back from the situation. This means we must be acutely conscious of our own thoughts. Because nobody really knows you like you do. So if you're eye rolling and huffing in your head about this whole stupid situation and how much you hate going over this again and again; you are definitely heading towards a place where you might unknowingly start hurling some hurtful barbs. As you see yourself nearing this edge consider taking a break and asking your child calmly to go to their room so you can have a moment to calm down. Your child may not love this time out, but it is far less damaging then giving into your anger and frustrations and letting what's on your mind really fly.

(2) Keep the focus on what's important.

     What word are you wanting to use in this moment? Taking a moment to acknowledge what you're wanting to call your child is an important step in beginning to address the underlying behavior that really bothers you. Is your child truly "stupid"? Or are you frustrated because you know they are smart enough to recognize this was a bad choice? Is your child inherently at their core a "brat", or have they hurt your feelings in this moment with their lack of thanks and continued demands? You don't want to attack your child, you want to confront the problem. So take a moment to recognize the words you are wanting to spew and connect it to the behavior that's disappointed you. That's the important focus. Because expressing that "it's important your child take pride in their work" is very different than calling them a "slob" or "lazy." Even in anger, it's important that we parents keep the focus on whats truly important.

(3) Set limits within yourself.

     You have to decide now if you're going to tolerate put downs in your family. Is satisfying your frustration more important or building up the self-esteem of your growing child? If not then this must be the new standard. And it must be upheld by every member of the family (from oldest to youngest). Your family needs to know you won't tolerate name calling or put downs. And then you have to enforce it with the most effective method, by modeling it yourself. You'll be amazed at how easy creating new habits is with a little bit of conscious focus and attention. And truly, this is one of those basic respect things that is so powerful it will spill over and has the power to improve countless other relationships (you and your partner, your child and their friends, with extended family, etc).

(4) Apologize. Immediately.

     Lofty goals like this are more of a journey then a destination. You are imperfect and will most likely slip a lot in the beginning. So if you do use a name that attacks your child rather than verbage meant to address the behavior. Apologize immediately. Ask for forgiveness right then and there. Check yourself. And immediately take steps to reconfirm how much you love your partner and plainly state you weren't trying to tackle them, but rather a behavior. Once you begin speaking sincerely with regret you will both be calmer and in a better place to improve your communication and work together to move past this. Don't let your child stew in their room remembering you called them "stupid" or some other name. Immediately take steps to repair it. This new redirection of energy will help reign your temper back under control and help you carefully choose words with the goal of growth and harmony, rather than causing damage. Agree to treat each other with love and respect from here on out. After all, our family is our greatest team and we need to build each other up daily, right?

#RaiseAWarrior 

Electronics: Why Guilt Makes It Hard To Say No

     Today's kids are given more things then ever. They do less chores, enjoy more screentime, and have more personal possessions/vacations/experiences/hobbies, and luxuries than previous generations. And while it is a wonderful gift, as a parent, to be able to bless the life of your child and fill it so completely, one has to pause and ask whether we are doing this for the right reasons. Are we filling our child's life with the very best we can because it's best for our child or are we doing it from a place of guilt? Does a six year old truly need an iPhone? Must we buy every updates gaming system as it comes out? Does every single member of our family need their very own tablet so they can watch what they want to when they want too?

     However, when we start to talk about electronics and screen time most parents shy away from the topic. Because the truth is uncomfortable. We all know the current trends aren't necessarily best for the youth and yet to admit that we also have to admit why we are so reliant on such devices and the fears we have for limiting them. Most of us feel guilty about electronics and screen time for numerous reasons but they can be loosely divided into one of two categories: 1) We have anticipatory guild over causing our child things like pain, distress, or anger and 2) We have guilt over things we as parents have or haven't done. So what are we truly afraid of? Why do we have such a hard time saying no and how do we combat these feelings of guilt?

Anticipatory guilt over taking away a pleasurable activity and causing distress:

     Even considering a limiting of electronics is uncomfortable for us as parents. One of the reasons for this is because we know our child enjoys it. Everyone in today's culture enjoys some mindless screen time. It can be fun and relaxing. We know this. And we also know that it can be a great outlet that our child will sometimes use as a means of coping, escape, or to soothe themselves. We know this because when we've had a rough day we also want to sit in front of the TV and just mindlessly veg out. So a limit of screen time seems unkind when we consider these things. What if they don't really have friends? What if they don't enjoy imaginary or creative play? What if our child lacks screen free interests? Do we truly want to be responsible for limiting a thing that brings them joy?

     Also falling under this is a guilt category is having anticipatory feelings of guilt over seeing or imagining our child to be left out if we limit their access to electronics. This becomes an increasing concern as our child moves from the elementary years and into middle school. We all have memories of wanting things we didn't have while growing up. It is these negative memories that push us to be better than our parent's before. Because who wants to be the parent who's child misses out on new experiences? The truth, however, couldn't be further from this. Yes most of us have a fear of missing out (or a fear of being the cause that makes our child miss out). F.O.M.O. is a very real phenomenon. But are we going to let these fears be the reason why we let society's standards dictate our child's exposure to electronics rather than assessing it and choosing for ourselves what to allow into our home and our child's very impressionable minds?

Anticipatory guilt over things we have or haven't done as parents:

     

     The other reason the idea of limiting electronics seems distasteful is because we know it is already a bit of a problem and as parents that's on us. We've all been guilty of using screentime as an electronic babysitter of sorts so we could get important things done or have some quiet time. We were the ones who welcomed and introduced electronics and acceptable behavior into our home. And we recognize that the screen time habits (whether good or bad) that we model for our children (knowingly or unknowingly) has added to the current lack of balance or avoidance. Another guilt could be that we enjoy the time they spend gaming and prefer that to actually having to spend focused time entertaining, playing, and interacting with them So in viewing our child's electronics habits we truly have to take a hard look at ourselves.

     Now if your not sold on the idea that unconscious guilt is the reason it is so hard to say no and limit electronics in your home then consider this: unaddressed guilt makes us uncomfortable. When presented with it we immediately begin to mollify it by down playing the cause and reason for our guilt. Our knee jerk response is to discredit the source of it. So if in reading this article you internally scoffed to yourself and though "Electronics allows me to get things done." "All kids now a days do it and my child uses them a lot less than others." "I only let him/her play educational games." "Screen-time is the only motivator that works." "Everyone having electronics lessons fighting." And so on, then please recognize that this is you rationalizing your family's electronics habit to avoid the idea that guilt may be driving how you parent.

     So how do we move passed this guilt and take control of the electronics in our home once more. The first step is acknowledging the fact that guilt is present in our parenting and that we've been lying to ourselves. This takes some brutal self reflection. You've got to be honest with yourself and why you feel this way about electronics before you can move to the next step in tackling your guilt. Then you have to forgive yourself (and any other persons involved) and move on. Once we've recognized a mistake in our parenting method it is easy to dwell on where we went wrong. This, however, is counterproductive. Acknowledge your faults and start taking steps to do better. This action plan will look different for each family depending on their habits and the guilt that led to it. Maybe TVs and computers are removed from bedrooms. Maybe devices are now only allowed in common areas. Maybe only one hour of recreational, individual screen time is allowed for children and adults. Maybe the whole family needs an electronics fast. Maybe after dinner and homework is now for spending time together playing board games, watching a movie together, or trying out a new hobby. No matter your method of change we know that once you start acknowledging the role guilt plays into our parenting and taking steps to change it, you will begin to see the benefits for your child and your family, you will quickly become unstuck and begin to move from feelings of electronics helplessness and towards a place of empowerment. 

#RaiseAWarrior