What Do We Want Our Kids To Be When They Grow Up?

      As we near the close of 2020 we can't help but look forward to a brighter future in 2021 after the tumultuous misadventure this year has been. But a looming new year isn't the only thing brimming with potential. Every time we look at our child this is what we should see. We have such high hopes for our children and the sky truly is the limit. As they grow, we ask them intermittently what they want to be when they grow up to watch those dreams mature as they do. And as they move beyond the goals of "super hero" or "princess" and find more practical passions and interests we can't help but ask ourselves what do we hope for our child? If you could pick one thing for them to be when they grow up what would it be? Many of us would think happy, fulfilled, or successful. All of which are noble wishes of course, but what is the true goal?

     I feel a more accurate wish for our children is that they become capable. Amongst a world of many options, opportunities and distractions I want our little ones to grow up capable. Capable of caring for themselves and their loved ones. Capable of standing up for the right thing. Capable of being a good friend. Capable of making their own decisions. Capable of succeeding, but also picking themselves back up when life gets hard. Capable of the mundane odds and ends of life like changing a tire or maintaining a home. I say this looking at a world full of young adults who are a little less than capable and more than a little fragile when compared to other generations. So here are a list of lessons to help make your child a little more capable when they grow up.

Capable of hard work

      Thomas Edison famously stated, "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." And while overalls are no longer the requirement of our day to day life, it is easy to see that it is hard to fully reach our potential without the ability to truly buckle down and work hard. And the beauty of hard work is you can start instilling it in your child no matter where you are. For example: stop hiring out hard jobs. You don't need someone special to sand, paint, or upkeep the lawn. Those sweaty tasks were ours for as long as I can remember. Treat their school as a work ethics training ground and allow them to suffer the consequences when they don't follow through. Being a hard worker is a character trait that can push you forward, so teach them young.

Capable of resilience

     No matter our age, life can be hard. And while our initial response may be to step in and shield our child from adversity and smooth their way, it is important to remember that hardship is an excellent teacher. There are life lessons in failure that cannot be learned any other way, and you don't get a diamond without a little pressure so don't be afraid to let life 'squeeze' your kiddo a little bit and show them just how strong they are capable of becoming. 

Capable of basic life skills

     There are some basic skills not covered in home economics that should be learned before our children leave the nest. Teach them the basic budgeting and finance. Teach them to care for and maintain their investments (be it a car, home or relationship). Teach them to unclog a toilet, change a lightbulb, and switch out a flat tire. Teach them to use basic tools. Teach them the basics of cooking, shopping, meal prepping, etc. Life as an adult gets busy quick so why not give them an advantage while we can.

Capable of being a good friend

     Unfortunately, we won't always be around to look after our child's emotional and mental wellbeing. So teach them to seek out good relationships and how to be a good friend in return. Our digital world, has distorted the worth and definition of friends. So teach your child the difference. Teach them to seek out loyal friends, who keep them accountable, encourages them, celebrates and mourns with them as needed. Friendships are pivotal in shaping your child so save you both some heartache and teach them young. 

Capable of protecting their family

      There are many aspects to this one and it kind of depends on who you and your family are. Maybe you're a family that trains together in self-defense for the worst case scenario. Maybe you're a health focused family fighting against a family history of disease. Maybe your protection of choice is fighting for financial security. Maybe you fight to protect your family and your relationships by setting healthy boundaries and working to have a good/work life balance. There are many ways of protecting our family and you can model and teach these best while your kiddos are young. Stressing the importance of family and those traditions now will also help during the years when they start to stretch their wings and leave the nest.

      We know that childhood is a busy and magical time. It is so easy to get caught up in the short term goals of day to day life. Just surviving this phase. Getting through this school year. Learning to do this thing. However, there truly is benefit in parenting with a more long term focus. Think about the adult you hope your child will become and work backwards from there. Ask yourself "What can I do today to foster that goal?" Because what makes your child happy at age 5, 10, or 15 is quite different from what makes them happy at 25, 35, and beyond. There are a million ways to love a child, but in our quest to make them happy, let us be mindful that long term goals of raising a child with strong character is much more pivotal than any short term goals involving a report card, trophy, game or recital will ever be.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Empty Threats: A Guide For Warrior Parents

     Disciplining a child can feel like a lesson in escalation. I mean day in and day out it goes like this... child breaks rule, we punish child. Child breaks same rule again, we punish harder. Child breaks same rule for the up-teenth time and the whole system starts to break. We're frustrated, we punish hard, and we threaten far worse to come in the future if they dare try us again. 

• "You'll be grounded for a month" (hmmm.... immediately starts thinking probably not as it limits the whole families ability to do things and is super inconvenient). 
• "I'll throw away your game system" (nope, won't really do that one either. Our child being able to self entertain allows us to get a lot of things done without having to worry too much about them). 
• "I will turn this car around" (well... actually... no I won't. This outing has been planned for awhile and invested in. We all need a break from routine and a single moment of bad behavior isn't going to change that). 
• "Calm down and finish your dinner or you'll have no dessert" (... come to think of it... we might do that if it was just us, but we are out at dinner with friends and we won't all eat dessert without them. That is going too far). 

     So will we really push the punishment to such extremes? Most of the time the second an empty threat leaves our mouth we already begin mentally backtracking. And though we think it harmless our lack of follow through has far reaching consequences. Now don't get us wrong. Every parent slips up and uses an empty threat from time to time. It's just a knee jerk reaction when we are under pressure, stressed, embarrassed, and desperate for anything to work. And in the beginning our empty threats do work. There is some initial behavior change. But as we continue to show a complete lack of follow through  we realize that while empty threats might be a common parenting tool that doesn't necessarily mean it's a good one. So as we enter the crazy holiday season we want to touch base on what empty threats teach our child and what to do instead.

Empty Threats Teach Our Child To Mistrust

     Kids are extremely smart and they are constantly soaking up lessens through even the most mundane of our interactions. A young child initially knows only trust. They mean and do what they say and expect everyone else to do the same. But as life goes on they begin to learn a different sort of lesson. They start to pick up that things don't always go as stated. An empty threat or a broken promise from us teaches our child that this is now acceptable behavior. Now that the things we say mean less there is a sense of mistrust in the relationship. And this changes the stakes and leads us to problem number two.

Empty Threats Teach Our Child To Hide Their Behavior

     Consequences are supposed to help socialize our child and help them internalize good morals. This happens through rules done consistently, reasonable punishments and when we take the time to explain the reasons behind the rules at a level they can understand. But when our punishments are emotional, and used to intimidate rather than inform it undermines our child's sense of rules and consequences. Instead of helping them internalize lessons and morals your vastly varied approach to punishments is teaching them that rules are dependent upon the context of the situation. This draws too much attention to the punishment. It leads to rationalizing their way out of trouble or even worse being sneaky and lying to avoid punishment. And if they do comply it is for the entirely wrong reasons and means they aren't likely to comply when they're away from you. Which is a problem since no one offers them their first beer, cigarette, or a chance to bully someone in front of you. 

Consistent Discipline Teaches Our Child To Trust Us

     When we consistently set rules, explain the rationale behind them and set reasonable consequences our child knows they can rely on us and the predictability of our morals no matter what. It helps them trust our judgement better and feel more comfortable coming to us with their mistakes, problems, or those moral gray areas of uncertainty. Investing in cultivating this healthy attachment now does wonders during the teenage years. 

Consistent Discipline Teaches Our Child Strong Morals

     This happens when our consequences are logical. A consequence should be related to the offense and setup to repair the harm of their actions. This helps children learn how to view their behavior with an empathetic lens. Now before acting they pause to ask themselves "How will this action affect themselves and others?" For example a sibling who fought and wasn't willing to share/play with their sibling kindly shouldn't be isolated as a punishment. They couldn't solve their problems and that is what they wanted, for their sibling to ultimately go away and let them play alone. Instead making them repair that damage and work together with the sibling is a much more suitable punishment. It isn't forever, but give them a set amount of time that way they can spend that focused time repairing the harm their choices caused.

      So stop threatening misbehaving children without actually following through. Especially during the holidays. I know we are all stressed and busy, but don't give in to the siren's call of empty promises and hollow threats during the season. Take the focus off the number of presents Santa is going to bring. That is a band aid solution and not effective. Stick with Santa is watching and very proud of your kindness, or your patience. This kind of praise spotlights good behavior or character traits and encourages more of it. Because in the end our kids ultimately want to make us proud. So take that elf on the shelf or the myth of Santa and use it for good. Don't threaten or promise. Use them as a means to encourage more good behavior. And as always take time to breathe and think. We know that parenting is one of those delicate balancing acts between fostering a caring and loving relationship while being firm and teaching strong moral character. But it is one of those things that is always worth your time and incredibly priceless in the long run. You've got this Warrior parents. And we've got your back. 

#RaiseAWarrior