Teaching Your Warrior About Bad Words

     Our children are like sponges. And in today's world it is far too easy to soak up some bad habits. One of those habits is swearing. And in today's digitized culture swearing has unfortunately become a normal part of childhood. The thing is our children are exposed to so many foul words and vulgar content (at a younger age than every before) because it is normalized and readily accessible. It is in their video games, common at school, among friends, on YouTube and other streaming platforms and social services, and prevalent in the shows they watch. At first hearing these words from your innocent child's mouth may come as a shock or end up quite comical. But as your child grows and stretches their wings and meets new people their vocabulary continues to expand. And it can become harder and harder to eliminate unsavory words from your household once it has become the norm.

     In the beginning younger children repeat something they've heard just to try it out. They are listening and learning and will repeat words without thought or understanding. Our response during this time matters. If we giggle, laugh, record, or even if we get upset we are teaching them that this word causes lots of emotions in adults. And how could it not? When your first grader uses the F word do you giggle at the absurdity or are you appalled. Once they realize a word has that kind of power over us, these words become very attractive, as a means to get attention. And if we denote it as taboo in our household, they get a big thrill out of using it in secret.

    As a child matures their use of bad words change. Sometimes they use it to test boundaries and our response. Other times they use it for the lack of an ability to accurately describe what is going on, as a sort of filler word. They still don't always understand the meaning behind the word, but they are starting to use it in a more purposeful manner. So no matter the age of your Little Warrior here are some good steps to start addressing it and help you kick foul language to the curb.

Stay Calm

      Children are curious. They might ask what a word means to understand or just be trying it out. So stay calm, especially for the first encounter of the word. It may be tempting to yell or laugh, but we don't want to continue to reinforce the idea that using this language is appealing. You get to decide if how much to explain. Simply acknowledging that it is an "unkind word some people use that isn't appropriate for children" is low key and straightforward enough that it educates while making the word less appealing to a child who was looking forward to a big reaction. Further discussions, depending on your child's age, can be on how our words affect others, acceptable ways to treat others, and how we want them to view and respond to us. All of this should be done calmly for a first offense. We are educating at this point and it isn't an emotional response.

Lay Out Your Family Standards

     It isn't fair to punish if the rules were not clearly defined. So when unkind or foul language begins to pop up in your household make a plan to address it. Each families rules are unique. We have tons of kids tattle on their playmates for using the "S" word for example which simply was "stupid" or "shut up." While these words are unkind and unacceptable in your home and for use among friends, it is important your child understands they are not swear words, but rather ugly or rude words. Words that other families may have normalized. So find where you all stand on the issue. Why does stupid or shut up make you cringe? Or are those words fine and you're only concerned about the more PG-13 expletives? It takes us clearly define our family standards and setting a consistent consequence to beat these kinds of words. And it takes a little bit of eloquence to not call out or belittle other families methods in the process. Something as simple as a swear jar or an extra chore for the offender is punishment enough for the casual user. You may have to get more creative if this is a more long lasting problem in your household.

Consider Acceptable Replacement Words (If Any)

     Growing up my mom had an exorbitant amount of creative filler cuss words. From "biscuit eaters" to "shoot a bug" her odd exclamations never cease to amaze me. And although when I was younger I often wish she would cuss like a normal parent and got embarrassed by her word salad under duress I also have to appreciate the creativity she had for not sticking with the tradition "son of a gun". So if filler words are your thing or if your child is needing a replacement word for their new favorite naughty words brain storm together. Just be sure to let your child know that everyone's household is different an they will encounter different rules. "Stupid" or "dumb" may be an acceptable word for your household, but should be used with caution outside of the home out of respect for others.

Alternatives to Attention Seeking

     Foul language gets a rise out of people. Whether that attention is negative (from adults) or positive (from their peers) is of little difference to an attention seeking child. All they want to be is noticed and their new vocabulary definitely ensures that. So if you believe your child's use of explicit language is to gain attention you will have to address the underlying reasons to really see a change in vocab. If the child is feeling disconnected from you and is acting out accordingly to catch your notice then begin taking steps to fix that. And if your child is merely using foul language to fit in or get a laugh from their peers it is easy to equip your child with other, more effective and appropriate methods of gaining attention.

Positive Ways of Naming and Handling Emotions

     Most young adults use explicit language because they feel unable to adequately describe or convey what they are feeling. Most of this is purely frustration or anger, but sometimes other emotions can come into play. Learning how to recognize and handle our emotions is an invaluable skill set, no matter the age. So rather than accepting your child saying "This is stupid" as they crumple up their challenging homework assignment, guide them through naming what they are feeling and give them more positive and effective ways to deal with that emotion. Praise them when they start to do this on their own and as always make sure you are modeling proper naming and expression of your emotions as well.

     Above all it's important to understand that while the world is quick to share foul language with our growing child, the rest is up to us. When we only shut down bad words, our child never gets a chance to understand what was inappropriate or how they can better articulate their feelings. And for our kids to really have a solid understanding of respectful language, they have to know a little about the bad. So take the time to have these proactive and conscious discussions with your child. It's one of those things you won't regret. You've got this Warrior parents!

#RaiseAWarrior 

How To Get What You Want Without Nagging

     As parents we know there are many important things we need to teach our children during this time. And we tend to try to really drive home the point that this stuff really matters through repetition. But for some reason no matter how much we harp, nothing we say seems to get through to them. How do we teach our children to be good successful people if our advice just goes in one ear and out the other? What good are we achieving? Why does this method of teaching lead to such push back?

     The problem lies in nagging. No one sets out to be a nag. And most of us hate to be nagged ourselves. However, it is an easy parenting cycle to fall into. Because naturally in trying to really drive home our point we repeat ourselves over and over again. We are trying to help, but as we say the same thing again and again, our words start to lose their meaning. They lose their urgency because the listener knows you'll bring it up again later. And as we start to get frustrated by their lack of response, our initially kind and patient admonishments become a personal sore spot which we have no patience, no time, or understanding for. So today we're tackling why nagging doesn't work and how to get what you want in a more positive manner.

     

Why We Nag

     The first step towards fixing any problem is recognizing it. And nagging is no different. Nagging is surprisingly more about us than our kids. It can happen because we feel powerless and chaotic in certain aspects of our lives and so we seek control of something, even if it's just the micro behaviors of our family. Sometimes nagging occurs because we feel anxious for the competitive world in which our children will have to work in and so we constantly push them to the top and towards our perception of excellence. Sometimes we nag because we are so busy and stressed out that we are truly parenting on the fly. We begin barking instructions and sometimes forget amidst it all that they are children who need our patience and guidance.  And other times our nagging comes purely from unrealistic expectations or subconscious learned behaviors from our own parents. Regardless of the cause if your kids aren't listening to you regularly and you feel the need to nag it might be time to look within.

Why Nagging Doesn't Work

     No matter our good intentions, it is important for us to understand why our nagging is ineffective. Our nagging conveys many negative messages to our family. Nagging teaches that we don't trust each other to just do the right thing and that we feel the need to micro manage them with a double and triple check because they are incompetent or incapable. It is a controlling parenting tactic that can lead to resentment or more confrontation and rebellion (especially with an older child). It is a form of negative reinforcement, which science has proved time and time again to be an inferior model of teaching. Nagging is a constant form of finding fault and it can wear a child's self worth down. And at the end of the day it's just words. Our children learn to dodge these words and tune them out because experience has told them eventually you'll let it drop or finally do it yourself.

A Better Way Of Getting What You Want

     So how do we get out of this cycle? Because once we fall into a routine of nagging there is always something else to nag about. And for those of us doing the nagging, it is exhausting to stay on top of everything for every one all the time. So where does it end? Luckily for us tired parents there is a better way for you to get what you want consistently from your family. It just takes a little bit of retraining for them and you. So here the Warrior Parent's action plan to making the change

1. Find Your Triggers: As parents, each of us have individual things we feel compelled to fix in our child. There are triggers that just matter more to us. For example some of you can avoid nagging over sloppiness much easier than you can homework hurdles. Our child's education just carries more weight. We feel compelled to do something about it so they can be successful. Identifying your triggers for nagging and understanding why you feel compelled to do so goes a long way towards ending this parenting cycle.We know that everyone needs a push from time to time and the last thing we want is to not push our children when it's needed; but it is also important to realize that when parenting from a position of insecurity we rarely choose the best path.
   
   
2. Listen to find the root problem: Nagging is the opposite of listening. And if there are reasons for our nagging there are also most likely reasons for our child's inaction. Yes it is very important to you that your child has a love of learning and get's their homework done. Maybe they are dragging their feet because they don't want to be the smart kid and mocked by the peers. Or maybe it's as simple as they want to finish this episode or level first. When we take the time to listen to our child we are putting ourselves on the same side rather than on opposite ends of a battle field. 
   
   
3. Plan B: Once you've examined yours and your child's reasons for action or inaction it's time for plan B. There are several ways to do this. (1) You can let your child suggest a plan, (2) you can come up with a plan together, or (3) you can set forth the natural consequence and step back and let them decide. So if we continue using the homework hurdle as an example. Instead of nagging your child to get their work done you can (1) ask them to tell you their plan so you don't have to worry anymore. This shows your child concern for their education but also confidence in their ability to make it happen and problem solve. (2) If your child isn't certain how to succeed you can come up with a plan together. Maybe it is distraction holding them back instead of fear or distaste. In which case setting a timer and checking in on them routinely might be beneficial. (3) And if all else fails don't be afraid to lay out the negatives like it is. No they don't actually have to read that book or write that report right now. They don't have to pass their classes. However, there are natural consequences to their actions that you cannot and will not protect them from. And if they choose them you will let them fail a grade, be kicked out of sports/extracurricular activities, and do summer school.
   
   
4. Empower Your Child With The Right Tools: We can't expect our children to succeed without the right tools to strengthen them. And we do feel the need to nag when we don't believe our child is able to succeed. So if your child is easily distracted during homework time or wants to game first get them a timer or alarm. They can set it for an agreed upon period of time to reorient themselves or let them know it is time to get busy. If your child is misplacing assignments get them things to help organize better or help them setup a homework station so all their things are right where it's needed. If your child is forgetting assignments or missing deadlines try a planner, electronic reminders or a wall calendar. An empowered child is one with the right tools. And if we've set them up for success there isn't really a need for our nagging.
   
   
   
   
   
5. Positive Reinforcement: Building new habits take time. It will be quite a transition for you to stop nagging and for your child to take a more active role in getting tasks done. So praise-praise-praise. And if you must correct use the model praise-correct-praise. If your child turns off their game when the timer goes off or doesn't have to scramble to find their assignments before they go to school praise their execution of their end of the bargain. Praise their preparedness, their great attitude, their organization, their work-play balance. Be creative with your praises so they remain sincere. But if your child didn't quite hold up to their end of the bargain, don't nag. Use the positive reinforcement technique of praise-correct-praise. Praise them for starting their homework. Correct them by saying "In the future you would like them to use the timer like they agreed upon to avoid distraction." And praise them to end on a positive note by saying "You're proud that they're getting back on track so quickly."

     The bottom line is nagging is an exhausting and unsuccessful parenting tact. We know that by making these slight course corrections with your family you will be more successful and have more time for what truly matters- raising strong children with good character while making awesome memories together. You've got this!

#RaiseAWarrior