Healthy Relationships: A Foundation For Our Child's Future

     We know that relationships are one of those things that can propel you forward in life or hold you back. And we all want what's best for our children. We don't want to watch them hurt or be taken advantage of. We want them to grow up and find that special someone, to share in the joy and the happiness that a healthy relationship can bring. And we play a big role in that! No we don't ultimately get to choose that partner for them, but we can model what healthy relationships look like. But fear not! If your marriage, love life, or romantic relationships are far from perfect there are still lots of ways to teach your child about healthy relationships. Modeling isn't the only method of learning. So buckle up because this week we're tackling some of the things that help you have a strong foundation in your relationships (and who knows you might also learn a thing or two along the way).

Be a family who turns towards

      In all of our relationships there are moments where the other person makes a small bid for our attention so to speak. This doesn't just happen among romantic relationships, but also friendships, in the workplace, and between family members. These bids for attention can be as simple as them trying to engage you in a conversation by telling you something they learned that day. When someone you care about makes a bid for your attention you can 1) Turn towards them by showing interest and giving them your attention, you can 2) Postpone their bid by letting them know you're in the middle of something that you need to finish at the moment but that you would love to hear all about it after BLANK (notice this is still a positive response) or you can 3) Turn away from them by ignoring them or 4) Turn against them by demeaning them, being sarcastic, or downright nasty. Happy couples turn towards their partner at least 80% of the time. So teach your family to be a group who turns towards each other as best you can. Yes sometimes we parents will have to postpone their bid for attention but we can still do it with kindness and love. And these kind of interactions bring us closer together in a positive manner.

Create a culture of appreciation

     It is far too easy to take things for granted. Especially in our relationships. When we become accustomed to certain things and begin to expect them without us doing anything in return we are setting our relationship up for failure. So say the things you value and appreciate about each other out loud. No matter how small. Use those small moments, to catch the things that are going well and are right. Let them know that "dinner was great" or that you "know you can always count on them to pay the bills on time" When we make an effort to say this to our partners and our children we are teaching them that "This is what we do as a family. We love each other. And we always let another know what we appreciate about them." Even when our lives and relationships are't perfect, when we have an attitude of seeking out the little things we appreciate our partner more and consistently remember how amazing, sweet and thoughtful they really are.

Emphasize the basics of conflict resolution

     Lots of parents avoid confrontation, conflicts, and apologies in front of their children. This leads to arguments being seen as a sort of taboo or bad thing. Now if your style of conflict resolution is a knock down screaming and name calling match please definitely keep that to yourselves (you aren't fooling anyone though, not even the little ones). Conflict and arguments are natural parts of relationships and they can be healthy if handled with respect, love and kindness. So teach your children the basics of conflict resolution. Let them see you work things out with your partner. It is okay to disagree so long as respect and courtesy is maintained while some kind of middle ground or understanding is reached. And then move on. Don't name call, or bring up past things. That isn't the kind of relationship we want to model for our children. Let them hear you discuss things, let them hear you treat each other with respect and patience even while frustrated or emotional. And above all let them see you own up and make things right when you are wrong. These are the basics of conflict resolution and a lot more couples would be happier if they could master this skill so give your kids a leg up by showing them the way.

Teach the importance of shared responsibilities

     In the past household responsibilities had specific gender roles. And maybe your family is comfortable with that division. It doesn't matter who takes out the trash, who cooks and who drives. Follow gender roles or split it by doing the things you love. What matters is that we teach our children to share responsibility. One of the reasons couples often fight is due to unequal work load. So let them grow up learning that mom and dad both help around the house. Be careful though. Our actions send unspoken messages to our children. Teaching them that moms always cook and dads always drive but never clean can set them up for failure in the future even if that is what works for your family. Emphasize that this is a personal decision. This is what works for your family and how you choose to do it. Don't let them believe this is just the way to do things because its all they ever saw growing up. What truly matters is finding a balance that helps you and your partner out. And there are so many ways to do that.

     We know every relationship is a unique and constantly evolving dynamic. You won't always have it right and that's okay because neither will your kiddo. Every day at Warrior's Way we are just striving to be better than the day before. Life in our homes is no different. So if this post has pointed out some weaknesses in your home now we have a focus to improve upon. And if you're already crushing these, than take some time to reflect on other lessons you can teach your child about healthy relationships. After all we can't teach our kiddos too much during this pivotal time in their life. You've got this parenting Warriors!

#RaiseAWarrior 

Mission Academic Success: A Path To Building Focus At All Ages

     Focus is one of those things that can be a hurdle for some children. And it is never more apparent than during the school year. After a blissful summer of freedom and playtime our children are expected to adjust, quite rapidly, to hours of focus. But focus, like many things, can be planted. And if given the right amount of attention and direction it can blossom and continue to grow into a character strength. So this blog is about planting the seeds of focus, no matter your child's age, so we can all have a successful and more productive school year.

Seeds to Plant During the Kinder and Elementary Years

I am expected to work

     No matter a child's age everyone can contribute in some way. So instill in your child a sense of work ethic. Give them small tasks with straight forward and achievable outcomes. Then show them how to have fun with it. Have a dance party while sweeping! Get dusted in flour while preparing dinner. Who can be the most creative in getting the job done quick. Does attaching sponges to your feet and skating across the floor work? They won't really be doing the work in the beginning, and they might be more hindrance than help, but you are teaching them to find joy in the mundane tasks of day to day life.

Getting work done feels good

      The next step is to focus on the sense of achievement we have after a job well done. We don't want our child to grow learning work is bad and play is good. That attitude only sets them up for failure in the long run. We all have to do work and good things come of it. So focus on cultivating a sense of pride in their work. Teach them that avoiding work is more trouble than it's worth. After all, focused adults view their work as something contributing to their internal sense of meaning and accomplishment. So teach your child to stop viewing their work as something "extra" they must do. It will help them succeed now and prevent heartache over homework and other deadlines later.

Persistence is key

     We don't always crush every task we've been given. And that can be disheartening no matter our age. So teach your child to focus on the things that went well. Praise their efforts and the traits they used to get this far. Emphasize the value of persistence. By shifting the focus to this, rather than crushing success, we are helping our children grow to be resilient and to push through, and focus on the task at hand even when things don't go heir way.

Starting is the hardest part

     This truly is the most difficult step because it requires focus and some organized thought. So teach your child how to be a better starter. Instead of making them do their homework and keeping tabs on every single assignment and due date for them let your kiddo get some reps. Asking your kiddo "How are you going to get this done?" is more beneficial than telling them how and what to do. For your visual child, make a weekly written list that blocks out their free time and non-negotiable events. Then let them choose where and when they want to do their homework. This helps them develop planning, time management, and gives them a personal stake in when and how things get done. A child with this sense of "ownership" over their schedule is more likely to comply and focus when the time comes.

Seeds to Plant During the Middle School Years and Beyond

I can problem solve

     We do have the answers. But problem solving is an important skill set that builds focus. So get your child involved. Help them figure out organization and scheduling skills now that will help them independently succeed in high school and beyond. Ask them how they plan on getting their work done today? Ask them how they can be better prepared for tomorrow? Ask them how they can be more organized and keep from losing things? Your child's answer gives you insight into what went wrong and how their brain works. Sure you could solve these problems yourself, but that doesn't help your child in the long run. So take the time to ask questions, listen to their ideas, and then refine and support them as much as you reasonably can. This can be hard because we know what works for us. But it's important to recognize that our way of doing things might not work for them.

I know my strengths and weaknesses

      We all have individual strengths and we all have weaknesses. Taking the time to identify them early on and building the skills to cope with them now is a huge advantage in life and success. So compare times of focus to times of not. Draw your child's attention to the outcomes of each situation using real life day to day examples. And do this with as many traits as you can. Focus matters in success. On the field, in the classroom, and beyond. So praise those strengths. Take the time to recognize them and your personal pitfalls. Then take the time to help your child problem solve ways to counter act those pesky weaknesses while we work to make them stronger.

I am capable of managing outcomes

     The pressure is more once our kid's enter middle school. And so it can be harder for our child to move on when things don't go well. Their tasks, hopes, and expectations are bigger than they were in elementary school. But who really remembers their grades from middle school? Did they really matter? Does Suzy being the lead in the school play ruin your chances of being a Theater Thespian in high school? Not one bit. So use the middle school years to talk about moving on and managing expectations. Try to take the emotional part of failure and instead focus on what they can do better in the future.

I am happiest when I have some sort of balance

      We spoke previously on ownership and how it plays a big role in how invested our child is in a task. As our child learns and grows more and more expectations and tasks are put on their plate. This is the natural progression of things. So give them the tools to plan, set some non-negotiables (like eating and sleeping) and let them try. Don't get too involved. There are natural consequences when we don't plan to do the work and when we don't follow through. And those consequences usually steal from our recreational time. Let those lessons shine while the stakes are small. Teach your child to balance and celebrate the process of work and play. Teach them that electronics are great, but not all recreational free time should involve screens. Achieving a semblance of that balance now, while the hormones are still sort of in check, really pays off in the high school and college years to come.

     No matter where you are in your families journey we can all benefit from a little more focus. So use this little list of tools as a check on your progress and don't be afraid to go back and remediate some of these steps if you've been struggling with them. As you all grow your focus and your ability to work you will find that homework battles become less frequent, getting ready for practice is no longer a chore, and that overall more is being achieved with less emotional back lash. You've got this Warrior parents. It may be a different sort of school year, but we've already weathered much more since the start of the year.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Combating Perfectionism: 3 Reminders For You and Your Child

     Perfectionism. Sometimes it is a word mistakenly used to recognize our child's accomplishments and how proud we are of their hard work. However, for those of us raising a perfectionist child, we know that it's no small matter. Parenting a perfectionist is hard. That isn't to say we don't want our children to hold themselves to high standards. They can and they should do so. But perfectionism is unattainable. If you expect life to be perfect, you are establishing unrealistic goals and can never be satisfied with the result. And we want our children to be happier than that. We want them to enjoy and recognize their accomplishments and growth, not say it's good luck and begin worrying about performing as well in the future. So as we get into the swing of this interesting school year here are some important lessons or mantras to teach your child. These mantras are aimed directly against the false beliefs of perfectionism and can be reiterated regularly in our day to day lives by our parenting response (be it words or deeds). Because for all of us recovering perfectionists out there we know that perfectionism left unchecked just makes life harder than it truly should be.

I can make mistakes and ask for help.

     A perfectionist child perpetually puts themselves in a difficult spot. Because perfectionists feels unable to make mistakes or ask for help. The idea of doing so makes them feel less than. It makes them feel uncomfortably vulnerable and the opposite of successful. Sometimes this goes to such extremes that they present a facade or lie to seem perfect and like they have it all together. They mistakenly place their value in the ability to do all things perfectly and this falsity puts the enormous weight of the world on their shoulders. Parents of these children must constantly reiterate that everyone makes mistakes from time to time and so asking for a little help or experiencing a setback is not a sign of failure or weakness; but rather strength in knowing their limits and moving beyond them.

My way isn't always the best way.

       Perfection is the perfectionists true north. It is their sole thought, goal and purpose. And since they view themselves as a perfectionist, all other's fall a little short of this goal. This makes it very difficult for the perfectionist to recognize other's ideas and see the value of another's perspective. This unwillingness to incorporate and objectively view other's ideas leads to difficulties playing with siblings and other children now and more hardships in the work place and relationships later on. Parents of perfectionist children must help them see the value other's bring to the table and that their ideas and views aren't always right.

I am enough just as I am.

      We've mentioned that perfectionist children feel the need to appear perfect and will lie and hide things to make certain this facade or view of themselves remains intact. The last thing we want is for our children to feel the need to hide and pretend with us. We don't want them to grow up feeling like they will be condemned for showing their true selves. We don't want them to fear mistakes and view it as a ruination of relationships and to believe that a show of weakness or mistakes will lead to us viewing them as an irreparable disappointment. Our child will always be loved, mistakes and all, because that's what being a parent is. Teaching them now that they are already accepted, and loved for who they are in this moment, no matter what, will go a long ways towards reversing the ill effects of perfectionism. So let your child know they don't have to prove themselves worthy, for they are already yours and are forever loved as such. 

     Perfectionism at it's core is based on a number of lies and false beliefs. These are incorrect views about ourselves and the world around us. Beliefs that we aren't enough, we can't show weakness, and that our mistakes change the way others love and care for us. So as we continue with this different sort of school year we hope these positively phrased mantras serve as reminder, no matter our age. Because we are enough. Giving our best and intermittently experiencing setback or failure is okay. Asking for help can be a sign of strength. And the right people, the true ones, will love us and stand by us no matter our faults.

#RaiseAWarrior