Boredom Builds A Better Life

     "I'm bored." These words have been dreaded by parents for a millennia. When we were younger boredom was a common part of childhood and it often led to some of our greatest activities and made up games. But now boredom has become sort of taboo. Gone are the days when a child had to cure their boredom blues. Today's boredom is a parent's problem. But why??? When did we become afraid of these words? Why do they make us feel put on the spot or guilty? Why do we now wrongly view boredom as a moment not fully lived or uninteresting? We have forgotten boredom and it's awesome potential. When we look at how boredom made our days great as a kid how can we also now believe that constantly being pressured to solve this "problem" of boredom right away is actually helping our child? So it's time to let them be bored. And it's time to help our child grow strong and handle the raw stuff that life is made of without hiding behind electronics. It's time to celebrate and make use of that unstructured time without fear; and here's how we're going to do it...

No Band-Aid Solutions

     When it comes to boredom the easy path is rarely the right one. So even though technology is an easy out, don't give in. When we use television or electronic games to alleviate boredom we are actually digging ourselves into a deeper hole. Our kids will have learned nothing, they will come to expect this response in the future, we both start to rely on it as a babysitter and source of entertainment, and if we decide to be more involved in the future we have a difficult battle ahead because we didn't stay strong in the first place. So just say no. Boredom isn't an excuse for a free for all. Have a family limit on electronics time and stick too it. It is okay to be more lax during the holiday or summer months, but that doesn't mean they get to sit there all weekend- only coming up for food and snacks. No matter their age. There is just too much at stake and life is too precious to be wasted solely on devices.

Cultivate Creativity

     What were the things that kept you from boredom when you were a child? Cardboard castles, blanket forts, building a tree house, inventing new games, the options are and always have been endless. Our minds like to wander when we're bored. And that's where the magic happens. That's where hobbies and passions are born. And creativity is like a muscle. The more our child uses it, the stronger it grows. And since we can't prepare our child for everything to come in today's ever changing world, creativity is the next best thing. Who knows, creativity might help them find their passion in a work field or it might give them the ability to adapt and overcome in a vast array of environments.

Teach Contentment Within

      Ever heard the phrase 'only boring people are bored'? Growing up this was a mantra in our home and for good reason. When a child says they're bored they are saying they can't find something to interest or entertain them. But where are they looking? The typical child looks outside of themselves for entertainment. I mean after all in today's go-go-go world that is completely understandable. But if we spend all of our time entertaining our child they never learn to entertain themselves. Worse still they could grow to think the entire world revolves around them and that they are never content with themselves. Constantly shoving our child towards another activity, simply because they're bored creates and supports the belief that solely by themselves and without something added our children are uninteresting. So let them be bored. Let them get comfortable with the silence of themselves. Let their personality grow.

Take A Few And Reconnect

      Sometimes our children say they're bored because they don't know how to express that they need to reconnect and interact with someone. So take a few seconds to acknowledge them. Give them a quick squeeze and say "I know you're smart/creative/fun enough to come up with something to do." This gives them a quick refill check and verbally validates them and their abilities. Remember! We do not want to solve the conundrum of boredom for them. If you do believe your child is seeking to reconnect give them something to look forward to. Let them know you'll be free in an hour or that you can go for a special treat after dinner. This still allows them to work through their boredom and look forward to some one on one or family time later that day.

    All in all it isn't just okay to let your child be bored every now and again it is imperative to their journey.  So teach your child to view boredom not as scary empty void, but as an opportunity. Let them know how it will help them and that you're excited to see what they come up with. Because a little boredom and creative down time is just what the doctor ordered for you and your kiddo. Happy parenting.

#RaiseAWarrior 

Room To Fail: A Path To Independence Part 2

      Last week we touched on the idea of disengaged parenting or giving our children some room to fail. This method of parenting allows our child to exercise their independence and to improve their executive functioning skills. Both of which are essential for success in our modern world. Last week's blog touched on five areas to improve independence with varying tasks and goals by maturity. Today we wanted to add to this list. Remember disengaged parenting doesn't mean we neglect our children and it becomes a dog eat dog world. Disengaged parenting is where we clearly lay forth our expectations, but it is up to our child to plan and execute their plan successfully. We can be a resource as needed. To solve all their problems, however, defeats the purpose and derails our goals. So here are some more intro steps to giving your child a little room to fail and practice exerting their independence.

Invest In Relationships

     When our kids are little they hang with who we hang with, or go where we dictate. They just don't really have a say in it. If we say it's weekend at Grandma's house to grandma's house they go. But as our children get older they start to have a little more freedom in this aspect. They get to choose which relationships they invest in. And the sooner we teach them the importance of this the sooner they can start consciously choosing who to share their love and time with. So teach your children that they become like the five people they spend the most time with. Ask them who they think those people are and what they've picked up and learned from them. Do this intermittently until they start internally recognizing the importance of this, but give them room to try on new relationships (within reason and safety) and see what works best.

Tackle A To-Do

     To do lists are a part of life. Whether written or not, there is always a mental running list of things we should do, things we want to do, and things we need to look into further. So take the time to start teaching your child this essential executive function skill. Have your child setup their own weekly to do list. Help them by suggesting a few tasks of your own. And then let them practice (and intermittently fail) at trying to come up with an action plan to achieve their goals. And if they don't tackle their tasks don't pick up that slack for them. Add it onto next weeks tasks. Because learning that you lose freedom to do fun things in the week to come when you slack off this week is an invaluable skill for our child to learn now where it is relatively harmless if they mistakes now and again.

Make The Most of Leisure Time

     While childhood is full of unstructured play time; our older years are a precarious balance of work and play. You must be able to establish a successful work routine, continue building and maintaining relationships, while also letting go and doing things just for the sake of it sometimes. So how do we teach our children this kind of balancing trifecta? How do we make sure they are learning to get what they need to done and use their leisure time wisely. The answer isn't in endless television or video games. While these are fun ways to relax they don't necessarily fill us up in meaningful or lasting ways. So teach your child to balance mindless leisure time with things outside of electronics. Get them involved in activities, give them a love for new adventures and the great ideas. Help them develop hobbies, and enjoyable pastimes. These things and more will help your child spend their free time learning, creating, and growing rather than sitting and constantly needing the latest devices to entertain them.

Learning About Money

     This is one of those essential skills you either learn the easy way when you're young, the hard way when you're older, or worse yet you never learn it at all. And it is a big indicator of our child's future success so that definitely makes it worth our time to start teaching our children about money. There are plenty of methods to do this... be it allowances, paying your child to pick up extra chore duties, or simply by teaching them to be resourceful with their birthday and holiday money. No matter the methodology you choose the sooner they have an appreciation for money and how it's earned the better it is for you and your pocket book. 

    Some of these skills we've discussed over the past two weeks your child will begin to pickup simply by observing and mimicking you. Unfortunately not everything can be taught this way. Proactively teaching our child to manage their lives and to solve real world problems is a necessity for future independence. It will require a lot of forethought, planning and self control on your part. It is hard to intentionally give your child room to fail. And your child will make mistakes and will purposefully test the limits of the rules. Resist the urge to consistently make excuses for or rescue them from their mistakes. We know it's hard to watch your child grow up and realize they won't be your little baby forever. But we truly are doing our children a disservice if we don't give them room to make mistakes, room to learn, and room to grow. Despite how negative it can sound, giving our child strategic room to fail ultimately fosters independence and creates patterns that will lead your child to greater success later on in life. You've got this Warrior parents. Stay Strong!

#RaiseAWarrior 

Room to Fail: A Springboard For Independence

     We want our children to grow up and live independently of us. This isn't to say we don't want to be involved, we just don't want our 22 year old son still living at home, unemployed and playing video games 24/7. So how do we hone independence in our child? How do we foster the executive function skills like oragnization, time management, planning, emotional regulation, attention, and thinking flexibly that our child will need to succeed in academics, the workplace and beyond?

     The secret lies in deliberately being disengaged as a parent. This sounds awful at first, but we don't mean in all things. We simply mean deliberately giving your child space to try, do, and maybe even fail a little bit. Some people would say this is lazy parenting. But to be actively disengaged and give your child room to try is actually a lot of work. It requires a lot of mental, and physical determination from you parents. You also have to have emotional determination or else you will constantly want to swoop in and save the day just to spare your child the hurts of reality. It is hard work, but it is also our life's work as parents.

     So here are some simple steps towards developing an independent and successful child. Your child may not be ready for all of these steps yet, but each of them is geared towards fostering capable and competent executive function skills. And we know that all good things take practice. We have coaches for soccer, and voice, and martial arts, and piano. So why don't we take the time to step back a little and coach them in the higher thinking and time management skills they will need to crush adulthood successfully. 

Sleep Cycle Balance

     The middle-school tweens and older are terrible at this. Especially during the summer. They stay up later and later playing video games or watching tv and then Bam! Suddenly your child has become a vampire who doesn't get up before 3pm! When the kiddos are little we are great at enforcing this. After all parents need some personal time too and we'll do anything to not have a cranky kiddo in the morning. But as our children get older bedtimes extend and weekends get even more lax. We stop fighting to get them up and just let them sleep. This isn't helping them succeed! There are consequences as an adult when we don't go to bed early enough. And one of them is we still have to get up and complete our obligations regardless of our tiredness while still being a nice and kind person. So if your child chooses to stay up all night that is fine. They still have to get up and function with everyone else. Teaching these lessons now will also help in that first semester of college when this lesson is either successfully learned or classes are failed during this new found phase of freedom.

Taking Medications

     This one seems pretty straightforward and simple; and maybe you feel like your kiddo has got it down. But if our children are only taking their daily meds because they're reminded too, then the routine is broken the second he or she is away from the prompt. And as our children get older they are away from us more often. Sleepovers, weekends at the grandparents, field trips, sports competitions, etc are all opportunities for successful demonstration of this independent skill, but only if we've practiced in our day to day normal lives first. So if your child is old enough to start practicing this level of independence give it a try (with some slightly disengaged parental supervision of course).

Healthy Intake

     Eventually our child will be completely in charge of their caloric intake. Day in and day out. So once you've established a lifestyle of healthy balance let them take the lead. Get them involved in shopping, lunch packing, snack picking and meal plans. If you're going out to dinner and your kiddo knows they want dessert or soda give them a chance to choose a lighter fair for breakfast or lunch. This system of involved checks and balances will help them make healthier choices now and in the future. Win win!

Staying Active

     Most of us would rather sit down and veg out than get up and go. It is natural to avoid or put off unpleasant things. Our health, however, is too important. So if your kid hates running, don't make them run, but rather help them find an active hobby they enjoy. Maybe this means they go dancing, maybe they walk the dog, maybe ultimate Frisbee, swimming or continuing martial arts. Maybe you mix it up as a family and try new activities each week until you find one that fits each individual of your group. No matter your choice, it is so important to build these habits now. Because we all know building a healthy and fit lifestyle as an adult is not too easy with all the pulls on our time and a world full of fun distractions. So help them discover an activity they love, and then let them take charge in scheduling it and preparing for it each week or day.

Monitoring Hygiene

     This is one thing that some people just don't master. And they totally should! Help your child take charge by teaching them good hygiene habits and putting them in charge of it as soon as possible. Because the truth is we won't always be around to tell our child that they or their clothes stink. The level of involvement in this will of course vary by age, but you shouldn't have to remind your 12-15 year old to put on deodorant every day. They should take charge and be proud of their appearance and involvement. It might take them being mocked by their peers and a little nudging from you, but they can learn this level of independence if you don't swoop in and save them every time. 

     So there you have it! 5 easy steps to start giving your child some relatively harmless room to fail and to start nudging them towards greater independence. And greater independence on their part leaves us more time to teach them other vital skills, life lessons, and to just have fun and make more memories. You've got this! It takes dedication and consistency to give our children some room and independence, but it is definitely worth it. Happy parenting!

#RaiseAWarrior