Our Kids Just Want to Be Heard

     "It's not fair!" "You never listen to me!" These are awful words to hear in the parenting world. These huge emotional outbursts hit our home unexpectedly and we are left wondering where we are going wrong. Our little ones are our world. So how could we not listen to them? How can they feel we aren't there for them when that is literally what we are trying to do 24/7? As adults it can be truly baffling that our child would rather shut down or act out in defiance when something is clearly bothering them. I mean we are right there to offer advice and solve their problems. But the truth is, maybe we aren't communicating with them in the best way. Maybe our knee jerk parenting reaction is making these big emotions even more difficult to handle and we are stealing valuable moments of learning and bonding that would only strengthen both us and our child. 

      Let's get real parents. We listen to our child's incessant chatter from the moment they wake to the moment they finally slip into blissfully quiet sleep. And we've gotten quite good at continuing about our daily tasks with an interment "mhm" and "that sounds awesome" when required. This is necessary to get through the day. If we stopped and gave them our undivided attention every time they want to repeat a story or tell us what little Billy said at lunch today we would never get anything done. But in the midst of a melt down these responses don't suffice. And no matter how frustrated or busy we are, we all know deep down that yelling never helps and is truly regrettable the moment it is done. So how can we meet our child's needs and handle their big emotions at the same time? The secret lives in a method called active listening. And we've got the low down all mapped out for you Warrior parents!

The main point of active listening is simple. You just listen! 

You don't solve their problems, offer solutions, make commentary, or give advice. 

You literally just listen first and empathize. 

Here's why it works...

• It helps kids better understand their feelings: giving your child time to express their big feelings out loud (without your influence) gives the child time to reflect on why this matters to them. This works at any age, trust us. It's part of why counselors are such a popular thing in today's society 
• It strengthens bonds: kids who feel understood, valued, and cared for by the important adults in their life feel closer to and are more likely to open up and come to you when they are in need
• It establishes self discipline: giving your child the opportunity to work things out as they speak (with only occasional guided problem solving) helps develop a child's internal dialogue of self correction. These work hand in hand with their ever growing moral compass to determine what kind of person they will grow to be.
• It builds self esteem: when you wait to jump in and solve their problems it shows your child you trust them to start finding their own solutions and to request help if they need it.
• Kids are more likely to listen to you: when you respect what kids have to say they feel it and are more likely to respect you in return. Not convinced? Try it on some adults in your life. It works with us too
• It creates an attitude of open communication: when we immediately jump in and offer advice we compromise this and effectively shut off open communication and the chance for expression. Creating this environment in your home early is definitely a worthy investment when you consider the inevitable teenage years

     There is of course a place and a time for our wisdom and advice giving, but rarely is it the best first response. So give it a try Warrior parents! Listen first and stall sharing your thoughts and opinions until you get the full story from their viewpoint. This humbler approach to parenting admits that we and our child are partners in this process. This habit takes time to build, but the benefits above are too worthwhile to not at least try. Your child needs to know that no matter the issue you will listen and and that together you can work through anything. This trust comes from years of feeling heard and like their intelligence and emotions are valued. So invest in an happier home today and an easier teenage transition tomorrow by making it a priority to always listen first. 

If you're interested in  looking further into this parenting method check out the article below:

Active Listening: How to Master the Skill That Will Make You a More Effective Parent

Happy parenting starts with a good plan Warrior parents!

#RaiseAWarrior