Being a parent is all about balance. We know our kids need rules so they don’t run amuk, but we also strive to feel like the fun, happy parent, rather than a drill sergeant. So how do we make sure our rules and boundaries are respected? How do we find the happy medium to where there aren’t too many rules and the rules we have actually stick and are followed the majority of the time? Read on for a game plan to help make it happen
Pick
Your Battles
No one likes to be
micromanaged and the same is true for our kids. If everything has a boundary or
a rule it is easy for a child to feel confined and powerless. And powerless
children are a force to be reckoned with. They are unhappy and will turn your
home into WWIII during a power struggle to try and be seen and heard. Yes, it’s
true our children need structure, but they also need some room to learn and
grow. Rather than going full drill sergeant, try to think of your rules like
bowling bumper rails. They are firm, they keep your child from going in the
gutter, but there is still lots of room for your child to make decisions, have
fun and be in control. They get to choose to shoot between their legs,
backwards, or with one hand and they can still be relatively safe. Once those
hard-set boundaries or “bumper” rules are in place you must be willing to
follow through. So long as your child’s actions within the bumper lanes aren’t
1) Hurting themselves or others
2) Causing destruction or damage to property
And
3) Does not go against your family’s core values
and expectations
Then we must be willing to accept their choices within those lanes. If you find your bumper rails weren’t enough to prevent those 3 things from happening any re-evaluation of the boundary or rule needs to be clearly explained to the child.
Change
How Your Bribe
It’s true sometimes even
the best parent needs to bribe their kid every once in a while. But bribes
shouldn’t be our default and they should never be for long term or routine
tasks. For example you should not bribe your kid to come to every single
martial arts class or to be patient while driving in the car. Those things are
regular part of your day or weekly routine. Children need to learn to accept
and expect certain things because life is full of ordinary day to day moments.
There are, however, good times to bribe your child because at its basis a bribe
is a form of reward. And everybody needs encouraging from time to time.
·
Make them earn
it: Bribes and rewards are a good way
of recognizing that hard work pays off. Use them to help your child establish
goals and good work ethics. For example, having a bribe or reward for
maintaining good grades every report card is a common way to help your child
learn, as is celebrating the end of a successful sports season or entering into
a new level of martial arts classes (i.e. Advanced Class!).
·
Use it to teach
short vs long term rewards: In the
beginning it is hard for our children to understand that sometimes rewards are
long-term, and we won’t see any true changes in the meantime. I mean brushing
your teeth for 2 minutes seems inconsequential, but that brief moment of time
is a powerhouse in the long term. The same is true for working out. It takes
months of hard work before we truly start to see the change our efforts have
wrought. In these instances, bridging the gap and helping them set short term
goals in the meantime can help your child be more likely to agree. If your
child is obese and you want them to be healthier it is hard to get them to
engage purely by focusing on the long-term rewards. You might have to
supplement a little. In these moments share the long-term rewards and set
manageable small goals with rewards to help you get there. For example, if we
stick with the obese example above being able to do 25 pushups vs zero is a
huge accomplishment and amount of growth. You might not be able to see the
muscle development yet, but your child is being disciplined, burning calories,
and making a change to their lifestyle. So, when that goal is achieved offer a
short-term reward. Maybe it is a family day spent at the roller rink or a day
swimming at Castaway cove (after all rewarding fitness goals with ice cream
hardly makes sense).
Be
ready for the transition phase
Likely
if you’ve been relying heavily on loose rules, bribes and rewards your new
attempts at discipline and creating rules will not be met with excitement. This
is a normal response to change and a perceived loss. When your child is feeling
frustrated with this new normal use the ACT model. Act stands for
A-
Acknowledge their
feelings
C - Communicate the
boundary
T- Target other choices
In real life that would look like this. Say you
are trying to lay some new boundaries on electronics use. No kid is going to
love that, but the ACT model helps you put down the new “bumpers” while still
helping your child feel heard and giving them some powerful choices and a bit
of control. This would look something like this.
Acknowledge: “I know you’re frustrated that we are
decreasing our screen time especially when videogames are fun.”
Communicate: “We decided as a family that
decreasing our screen time and exploring our hobbies and likes was important.”
Target other choices: “Why don’t you use this time
to go ride your bike, try that new skateboard trick you saw, or play board
games with _______?”
Your
child will feel disappointed with the new changes early on, but eventually you
will all adjust to these new bumper rails and be happier for it. You’ve got
this Warrior parents!
